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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset a friend by being disorganised with plans

105 replies

TheBerry · 21/05/2023 07:58

I have upset a friend and am feeling really guilty and unsure what to do.

This friend (we’ll call her Rosie) can be a little sensitive, and is upset by other people quite regularly, but I do think I personally messed up on this occasion. I’m HOPING that MN won’t think it’s as bad as I do, but I’m really just wanting honest opinions so I can work out what to do.

I have an 8-month-old and I’m quite tired and not very organised at the moment. It was my DP’s birthday and I thought I’d just book a table in town for a casual lunch with some friends. I decided to do this a week in advance, and messaged a few friends to say noon on Saturday at this particular restaurant.

Rosie and a few others said they would come. I didn’t mention it to any of them again (which I should have done, as a reminder) although a couple messaged me to check we were still going, which I confirmed.

On the day, we were driving over when I realised in the message to Rosie I actually hadn’t specified the time we were meeting.

I messaged her saying I was sorry, I just realised I hadn’t told her the time, and we were heading over now - could she make it?

After a while she messaged back to say that since she hadn’t heard anything back from me about it she assumed we weren’t going, and that she wasn’t able to attend now.

She is cross with me, and I think she feels that I couldn’t be bothered to get in touch with her to confirm the plans, or that if I’d really wanted her there I’d have made more of an effort.

I do think I was vague with the plans and I should have followed up with everybody and confirmed what was happening. Probably the only reason the others turned up is that they messaged me to double check it was still on!

I’ve apologised and suggested meeting up next week but she’s not replying. Feeling exhausted and guilty and not sure what to do!

YABU - you should have messaged all the guests a day or two beforehand, made sure you’d given the right details, and confirmed the plans. You left it up to everybody else to check what was happening. Rosie is right to be annoyed.

YANBU - it was a mistake, you apologised, and she is overreacting. It’s not a big deal and you can do someone another time.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 21/05/2023 08:37

ReddishBrown · 21/05/2023 08:00

If I was Rosie, I would have messaged you to double check the time.

This. It takes seconds. If I had had another offer I would have confirmed with you that the original thing was taking place and honoured that arrangement. If you had not replied or said it was not going ahead I would have gone with the new option. I always confirm with someone I am meeting if they haven't already confirmed with me. Put kettle on, send text, make tea, carry on with life.

GrannyWeatherwax23 · 21/05/2023 08:38

She sounds like a sulky, exhausting child. Move on.

Goldrushed · 21/05/2023 08:39

rookiemere · 21/05/2023 08:05

She is being very precious.
Yes you should have confirmed, but a week out meant it was pretty definitely happening. She could easily have messaged to confirm the time.

I'd send some sort of passive aggressive non apology "Sorry if you were upset about not coming. I have baby brain so it's best if you double check any arrangements I make at the minute LOL. See you soon"

Don't do this, it's childish.
Why do people on here always suggest such pass agg responses, it doesn't help anyone actually resolve anything.

Be honest and accept you fucked up OP and promise to do better.

WimpoleHat · 21/05/2023 08:40

I’d be irritated with both of you in this scenario. Your message was vague and you didn’t confirm with her until the very last minute; understandable that she thought it wasn’t on. But if she’d been wondering, she could have sent you a quick text - “Hi - what time on Saturday?” and all would’ve been sorted. So not really something to be very upset about. Apologise and make sure to make more of an effort with her in future - but don’t beat yourself up about it.

bluewanda · 21/05/2023 08:40

I would have chased you for the time if I really wanted to come, but as someone else said, I do find it irritating when friends make plans then leave it up to you to chase them. However, you apologized so if I was in Rosie’s position I’d accept that and move on.

BedZwift · 21/05/2023 08:43

If I was her, and knowing your situation, I’d have messaged to find out the time. I kind of feel it’s a bit passive aggressive of her to not tbh, like she was waiting to be upset and feel hurt.

Original poster
TheBerry · 21/05/2023 08:45

silverfullmoon · 21/05/2023 08:29

I’m not somebody who organises stuff a lot generally, as I’m quite introverted, so she is often the one to make plans. It’s very possible that she feels like it’s always on her to arrange stuff, which is very valid. The more I think about it, the more I think that could be a factor

This explains it a bit more. It can be wearing to always be the organiser as it makes you feel like no one else makes the effort or cares. She may feel like she’s putting in all the effort and getting nothing back.

Baby being ill is a valid excuse but adding the other factors may represent a pattern to her and maybe she’s withdrawing to protect herself? I do have a bit more empathy with her after your update. It’s hard to feel like you’re just an after thought.

Yes, you’re exactly right. I feel bad about it, and I need to try to arrange more things, even if it’s just coffee at mine.

I’m really a bit of a loner, and could very easily go days (weeks??) without seeing anyone. I really enjoyed lockdown as it was the perfect excuse not to see anyone, and totally removed the pressure of feeling like I needed to arrange social events! I was single then, so didn’t even have DP around, though I did have a bubble with my mum.

That said, I do care about my friends. I am extremely lucky with the friends I have. It doesn’t bother them that I’m not somebody who arranges stuff, and they just arrange stuff and invite me. However, Rosie is different and very understandably wants me to arrange more stuff (I’m surmising) which is how most people would feel, I’m sure.

Then when I actually do organise something, I manage to tell everyone the right details apart from her!

Still, as others have pointed out, I’m not sure what to do now without seeming like I’m grovelling. Maybe I shouldn’t apologise again and try to arrange a set plan in town for lunch with just her or something.

OP posts:
heyitsthistle · 21/05/2023 08:45

Bloody hell, you said it was lunch. Lunch generally falls in between a period of two hours, from 12pm to 2pm.

Yes, you should have confirmed the time, but equally she could have asked. She's a bit of a fool for assuming it wasn't going ahead.

Abbimae · 21/05/2023 08:47

She sounds like a wet lettuce. Tell her to grow up and move on

maidmarianne · 21/05/2023 08:47

Surely she could have realised you hadn't specified a time and texted you to check? I can't imagine agreeing to a plan a week in advance and then just assuming it wasn't happening without checking.
Clearly I'm in a minority judging by the other comments, but it seems a bit weird that she's so pissed off. It's not that hard to send a quick text.

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 08:47

If you messaged me saying- birthday lunch for dh next Sunday at X. My response would be - great what time? I would assume it was happening unless told otherwise. However it sounds like she feels a bit pushed out. I would try to reach out again and apologise for generally being distracted/busy. and if she doesn't respond there's not a lot I can do.

Peppadog · 21/05/2023 08:48

Goldrushed · 21/05/2023 08:39

Don't do this, it's childish.
Why do people on here always suggest such pass agg responses, it doesn't help anyone actually resolve anything.

Be honest and accept you fucked up OP and promise to do better.

Show quote history

Agreed, urgh!!! Who actually does passive aggressive shit like that??

Summerbabythree · 21/05/2023 08:48

Is she definitely upset?

She may not have fancied it and used the lack of detail as a get out?

phoenixrosehere · 21/05/2023 08:49

ReddishBrown · 21/05/2023 08:00

If I was Rosie, I would have messaged you to double check the time.

Same.

I know some people can be more disorganised than others so will text to confirm and if no answer back, I will take that as a no. I’m also not going to accept confirmation day of depending on the time because if no confirmation the night before or early in the morning, plans have likely changed.

rookiemere · 21/05/2023 08:50

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 08:35

If, from her pov, her friend keeps cancelling on her and then vaguely invites her to something but misses off important details that would actually allow her to go, I'd see that as a snub and would probably think you didn't want her to come. It seems like you're phasing her out (from her pov).

Let her cool down and make a massive effort to see her and show her that she does still matter to you

Really- that sounds like massive overthinking. If you didn't want someone to come surely you'd just not invite them.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/05/2023 08:51

rookiemere · 21/05/2023 08:05

She is being very precious.
Yes you should have confirmed, but a week out meant it was pretty definitely happening. She could easily have messaged to confirm the time.

I'd send some sort of passive aggressive non apology "Sorry if you were upset about not coming. I have baby brain so it's best if you double check any arrangements I make at the minute LOL. See you soon"

You're not serious?!!!

Sure fire way to ensure the ending of a friendship of you sent such a shitty message, having made the initial mistake.

Saucemonkey · 21/05/2023 08:51

She could have contacted you to check, as she knows you have a lot on. Ignore her now. When she is ready she will text you, it’s a stupid thing to lose a friendship over, let her sulk in peace.

MichelleScarn · 21/05/2023 08:51

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 08:35

If, from her pov, her friend keeps cancelling on her and then vaguely invites her to something but misses off important details that would actually allow her to go, I'd see that as a snub and would probably think you didn't want her to come. It seems like you're phasing her out (from her pov).

Let her cool down and make a massive effort to see her and show her that she does still matter to you

Well this, especially if she speaks to someone else- and she is the only person who didn't get the time in the original message...
Other 'Did you go to the lunch for @TheBerry's DP?'
Rosie- no didn't think it was on as no time set.
Other. Oh, it was definitely at 12, that's what original message said.

landbeforegrime · 21/05/2023 08:51

If I received a message without the time and I wanted to go then I would follow up and appreciate that you were busy organising etc and likely were stressed and feeling snowed under. I personally think it's rude she made other plans before double checking with you. Seems everyone is very different based on the responses but to me she seems to have a bit of a world-revolves-around-me mentality. She needs to move on.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/05/2023 08:52

I don't think she's being ridiculous - her annoyance is justified.

However, you made a mistake & apologised. That's all you can do & hopefully she'll accept that & move on.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 21/05/2023 08:52

rookiemere · 21/05/2023 08:50

Really- that sounds like massive overthinking. If you didn't want someone to come surely you'd just not invite them.

Show quote history

Not if you didn't want to be seen to not be inviting them.

OP says they have mutual friends who OP is closer to than the friend. It would be very easy to turn around and say "well I did invite you" or "I did invite Rosie but she didn't come".

labamba007 · 21/05/2023 08:54

I can't stand people that continue to punish once someone has apologised. Unless it's a regular thing Rosie should let it go.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/05/2023 08:55

GrannyWeatherwax23 · 21/05/2023 08:38

She sounds like a sulky, exhausting child. Move on.

How does she? I read the OP again to check.

OP forgot to tell her the details & rang her last-minute. Understandably friend couldn't go. OP, who has cancelled a few times, has suggested meeting up soon, and friend hasn't replied.

That's not sulky. Or exhausting.

She's annoyed & stepping back a bit from OP.

bussteward · 21/05/2023 08:56

Misskittycat16 · 21/05/2023 08:05

Does Rosie have children? I didn't really 'get it' before I had children and probably would've taken offence. However I now know how HARD it is to function properly when you are so sleep deprived!
You didn't do it on purpose. Cut yourself some slack.

This! I remember my sister buying me the weirdest presents for my birthday when she had small kids, and another friend not remembering a thing I’d told her from one conversation to the next, or dropping off the face of the earth for weeks at a time. Then my non-sleeping daughter arrived, and eight months was possibly our lowest ebb for sleep. I have only the foggiest, horrifying memories of it. The fact you managed to arrange lunch and invite people is an achievement in itself, frankly.

If I were Rosie I’d have messaged for specific details: people quite often send vague invitations, I think, and I’ll always follow up to get a precise time, postcode, “can I bring anything”, etc.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/05/2023 08:56

Abbimae · 21/05/2023 08:47

She sounds like a wet lettuce. Tell her to grow up and move on

Some of these replies! Why on earth does her friend sound like a 'wet lettuce'?

Are posters really this abrasive & rude IRL?

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