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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset a friend by being disorganised with plans

105 replies

TheBerry · 21/05/2023 07:58

I have upset a friend and am feeling really guilty and unsure what to do.

This friend (we’ll call her Rosie) can be a little sensitive, and is upset by other people quite regularly, but I do think I personally messed up on this occasion. I’m HOPING that MN won’t think it’s as bad as I do, but I’m really just wanting honest opinions so I can work out what to do.

I have an 8-month-old and I’m quite tired and not very organised at the moment. It was my DP’s birthday and I thought I’d just book a table in town for a casual lunch with some friends. I decided to do this a week in advance, and messaged a few friends to say noon on Saturday at this particular restaurant.

Rosie and a few others said they would come. I didn’t mention it to any of them again (which I should have done, as a reminder) although a couple messaged me to check we were still going, which I confirmed.

On the day, we were driving over when I realised in the message to Rosie I actually hadn’t specified the time we were meeting.

I messaged her saying I was sorry, I just realised I hadn’t told her the time, and we were heading over now - could she make it?

After a while she messaged back to say that since she hadn’t heard anything back from me about it she assumed we weren’t going, and that she wasn’t able to attend now.

She is cross with me, and I think she feels that I couldn’t be bothered to get in touch with her to confirm the plans, or that if I’d really wanted her there I’d have made more of an effort.

I do think I was vague with the plans and I should have followed up with everybody and confirmed what was happening. Probably the only reason the others turned up is that they messaged me to double check it was still on!

I’ve apologised and suggested meeting up next week but she’s not replying. Feeling exhausted and guilty and not sure what to do!

YABU - you should have messaged all the guests a day or two beforehand, made sure you’d given the right details, and confirmed the plans. You left it up to everybody else to check what was happening. Rosie is right to be annoyed.

YANBU - it was a mistake, you apologised, and she is overreacting. It’s not a big deal and you can do someone another time.

OP posts:
Peppadog · 21/05/2023 08:57

Well now you've explained the back story I can see her point of view even more. So you hardly ever make the plans and recently have cancelled on her a couple of times. You then make a vague plan but don't follow up with any details, and with a back story of there being falling outs in the group that she already feels upset about that.
She is probably thinking that you didn't actually want her there.
You haven't been a good friend here and if I were you and valued her friendship I'd be calling and having a proper chat about it all and explain the mistake and suggest another time to meet up.

GetTheTrain · 21/05/2023 08:57

With friends who are crap, I would text a couple of days before to confirm. I have a friend who does this. Organises a date then doesn’t confirm or book somewhere till I chase it. I find it incredibly irritating but suck it up as I enjoy her company once we meet.

readbooksdrinktea · 21/05/2023 08:58

EarringsandLipstick · 21/05/2023 08:55

How does she? I read the OP again to check.

OP forgot to tell her the details & rang her last-minute. Understandably friend couldn't go. OP, who has cancelled a few times, has suggested meeting up soon, and friend hasn't replied.

That's not sulky. Or exhausting.

She's annoyed & stepping back a bit from OP.

Show quote history

Agree with this. I'd do the same.

JustDanceAddict · 21/05/2023 09:00

I’m usually the one who chases up plans but it’s cos I’m organised, I can see why others wouldn’t so I think fault on both sides here. However, Rosie is being a bit dramatic in not speaking to you now - if she was that bothered she should’ve chased ‘just checking it’s still on for Sat as someone is asking me if I’m free’. - so easy to do by text now.

Oblomov23 · 21/05/2023 09:02

Now you've added the extra info re cancelling other things, Rosie has every right to feel properly pissed off. You sound flakey and unorganised, and missing a lunch that everyone else went to would really hack me off.

Original poster
TheBerry · 21/05/2023 09:03

Misskittycat16 · 21/05/2023 08:05

Does Rosie have children? I didn't really 'get it' before I had children and probably would've taken offence. However I now know how HARD it is to function properly when you are so sleep deprived!
You didn't do it on purpose. Cut yourself some slack.

She doesn’t have children. She’s so good at event planning though (literally the opposite of me, I can’t think of anything more nightmarish than organising a big event) that even with a newborn I expect she’d be on it.

OP posts:
MrsMikeDrop · 21/05/2023 09:09

In true MN style the responses would be it different if your friend has posted. You've cancelled on her before, and you managed to tell everyone the right details fpr.this lunch except for her. You have some grovelling to do.

Original poster
TheBerry · 21/05/2023 09:14

MrsMikeDrop · 21/05/2023 09:09

In true MN style the responses would be it different if your friend has posted. You've cancelled on her before, and you managed to tell everyone the right details fpr.this lunch except for her. You have some grovelling to do.

Yes, I agree, I think if she’d posted and been like “my friend has cancelled plans recently, and just now made plans for lunch and told everyone the time apart from me” the responses would have been in her favour.

OP posts:
EggInANest · 21/05/2023 09:16

She could have messaged you to check / confirm.

It isn’t as if she booked a babysitter and was then left high and dry with nothing to go to: she made other plans without double checking.

Meh: you were a bit disorganised, she is a drama queen.

Lucyccfc68 · 21/05/2023 09:17

Massive drip feed there!

So Rosie is the one that puts herself out and does most of the planning. You don’t bother (leave stuff to her), cancel on her quite a lot and then don’t bother to tell her the time of a lunch, so she misses out.

FFS, you definitely have some grovelling to do and your general behaviour as a so called friend needs to change massively.

burnoutbabe · 21/05/2023 09:19

BedZwift · 21/05/2023 08:43

If I was her, and knowing your situation, I’d have messaged to find out the time. I kind of feel it’s a bit passive aggressive of her to not tbh, like she was waiting to be upset and feel hurt.

This!

Why assume plans organised a week in advance are cancelled? Me and friends organise a placeholder in advance-seeing x on Tuesday after work ;so central London location) then confirm day before meet time /place (and that it's still on)

Sending a quick text day before to confirm where/when meeting is normal. Can be sent by either of you (though more on her as she did not know the information and you did)

Missedmytoe · 21/05/2023 09:23

Whilst you should have messaged everyone with the full details, you didn't. However, if Rosie wanted to come, she could easily have messaged you to check if the meet up was still intended to go ahead.

burnoutbabe · 21/05/2023 09:23

MrsMikeDrop · 21/05/2023 09:09

In true MN style the responses would be it different if your friend has posted. You've cancelled on her before, and you managed to tell everyone the right details fpr.this lunch except for her. You have some grovelling to do.

I am sure most of us would have just said "why didn't you text the day before to check it was still on/what time"

silverfullmoon · 21/05/2023 09:24

Maybe I shouldn’t apologise again and try to arrange a set plan in town for lunch with just her or something

Yeah I wouldn’t apologise again. I’d maybe send a message saying “I’m very aware I’ve been a bit disorganised recently and I appreciate the effort you have made to organise stuff. Are you free on x or y date? I miss you and would love a proper chance to catch up with you. Hope you’re ok”. Then leave it in her court.

You can’t really do more than that. It would be a shame to lose a friend over this but ultimately you can’t control peoples reactions to things, only your own.

diddl · 21/05/2023 09:26

You've cancelled before so she wasn't wrong to to think that it had fallen through.

That said, depending on your message she could have replied-"yes, love to, let me know the time".

I think it's more your fault but if she's determined to take offence there's not much you can do.

darjeelingrose · 21/05/2023 09:27

rookiemere · 21/05/2023 08:05

She is being very precious.
Yes you should have confirmed, but a week out meant it was pretty definitely happening. She could easily have messaged to confirm the time.

I'd send some sort of passive aggressive non apology "Sorry if you were upset about not coming. I have baby brain so it's best if you double check any arrangements I make at the minute LOL. See you soon"

That's not passive aggressive, it's just pathetic. Clearly there was a mistake, and it's ok for your friend to be a bit annoyed. Sorry if you were upset always comes over as the person who writes being either totally insensitive or a bit thick, but that's not the case here, the OP is owning the mistake, good for her.

That said, the friend is allowed to be a bit pissed off and is probably just prioritising other stuff today.

Original poster
TheBerry · 21/05/2023 09:28

silverfullmoon · 21/05/2023 09:24

Maybe I shouldn’t apologise again and try to arrange a set plan in town for lunch with just her or something

Yeah I wouldn’t apologise again. I’d maybe send a message saying “I’m very aware I’ve been a bit disorganised recently and I appreciate the effort you have made to organise stuff. Are you free on x or y date? I miss you and would love a proper chance to catch up with you. Hope you’re ok”. Then leave it in her court.

You can’t really do more than that. It would be a shame to lose a friend over this but ultimately you can’t control peoples reactions to things, only your own.

Thank you, that’s the perfect message actually. I’ll try that tomorrow.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 21/05/2023 09:29

silverfullmoon · 21/05/2023 09:24

Maybe I shouldn’t apologise again and try to arrange a set plan in town for lunch with just her or something

Yeah I wouldn’t apologise again. I’d maybe send a message saying “I’m very aware I’ve been a bit disorganised recently and I appreciate the effort you have made to organise stuff. Are you free on x or y date? I miss you and would love a proper chance to catch up with you. Hope you’re ok”. Then leave it in her court.

You can’t really do more than that. It would be a shame to lose a friend over this but ultimately you can’t control peoples reactions to things, only your own.

This is perfect. It's proper addressing of the issue, not meaningless apologies

DistantSkye · 21/05/2023 09:32

EarringsandLipstick · 21/05/2023 09:29

This is perfect. It's proper addressing of the issue, not meaningless apologies

Show quote history

I agree this seems a good message. No point apologising over and over. I can see why she's annoyed - although in her shoes I would have chased up to say "is this still on/what time etc?".

I sympathise with the tiredness that comes with a baby but I don't think it should be used as an excuse to be a flaky friend tbh, and it might be good to make more of an effort if you think friends are feeling hurt. And I say that as someone who has had 2 poor sleepers! I was back teaching full time when my eldest was 8 months old so I don't really see why a pp has described booking lunch and texting a few friends as an "achievement"!

CovertImage · 21/05/2023 09:40

I have baby brain so it's best if you double check any arrangements I make at the minute LOL

JFC, how pathetic!

nutbrownhare15 · 21/05/2023 09:47

Yeah you messed up but even if she feels a bit pissed off she doesn't need to take it out on you. Sensitive= unreasonably stroppy about stuff most people take in their stride?

Original poster
TheBerry · 21/05/2023 09:50

burnoutbabe · 21/05/2023 09:23

I am sure most of us would have just said "why didn't you text the day before to check it was still on/what time"

Show quote history

If I were her, this is what I would have posted:

”I have a friend who isn’t very good at organising things, so I tend to be the one who makes all the plans.

She now has an 8-month-old baby and understandably has been more tired and vague than usual. She’s cancelled on plans I’ve made with her and some other friends about three or four times recently because her baby has been ill or she hasn’t been able to get him to go to sleep.

Recently she messaged me asking if I was free on Saturday as she was thinking of lunch in town for her DP’s birthday with some mutual friends. I said yes, and asked where in town - she said probably this particular restaurant, but was quite vague and she didn’t specify a time.

I didn’t hear from her about it again, so I assumed nothing had been arranged and made different plans.

At noon on Saturday she messaged me saying she was sorry but she’d just realised she hadn’t told me the time of the booking, and that she was heading to the restaurant now, and could I make it?

I told her I’d assumed nothing was happening because I’d not heard from her, and had other plans now. She had managed to tell everybody else the time, so they all made it to lunch. I feel quite hurt because I’m always the one to organise things and the one time she organises something she gives everyone the right details apart from me and can’t even make the effort to check until the last moment.

It seems like she’s not putting as much into the friendship as I am.”

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 21/05/2023 09:54

How would she know that everyone else had the time in the original text and didn't just contact you to confirm.

Honestly you are over thinking it. She wants to be offended and therefore is.

However just say sorry again and arrange another time to meet if you want. I'd just not prostrate myself to her, and flag myself as a bad bad person.

saraclara · 21/05/2023 10:07

She’s cancelled on plans I’ve made with her and some other friends about three or four times recently because her baby has been ill or she hasn’t been able to get him to go to sleep.

Yep. So this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
Despite being a mother myself, I do get frustrated when people cancel for the latter reason in that quote. I know it matters to the mum, but it just sounds so feeble somehow. And she's not a mum so won't get it at all.

But yeah, three or four cancellations followed by this incident and I can see why she thinks you're just not bothered about seeing her.

She's probably thinking that if you really wanted to see her you'd make more effort. So she's hurt as well as annoyed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/05/2023 11:42

Goldrushed · 21/05/2023 08:27

You know you ballsed up and have apologised.
If this was a one-off then I wouldn't make a big thing of it but has this happened before?

Are you now an unreliable and flaky friend?

I hate the excuses that come from some friends with babies. It doesn't have to make you a crappy friend, plenty aren't but I feel like a couple of people in my life almost give into it in a way that's frustrating.

Others manage to maintain friendships, don't forget people and still make an effort. I feel like they've made a conscious choice to not be rubbish.

Some people have easy babies. Others don’t. Others are often ill. Some mums go through PND, birth injuries or are permanently physically weakened or disabled in some way. Just because some women struggle to maintain friendships, it doesn’t mean they’ve all made a conscious decision to be rubbish.