Upset a friend by being disorganised with plans

[TheBerry]

I have upset a friend and am feeling really guilty and unsure what to do.

This friend (we’ll call her Rosie) can be a little sensitive, and is upset by other people quite regularly, but I do think I personally messed up on this occasion. I’m HOPING that MN won’t think it’s as bad as I do, but I’m really just wanting honest opinions so I can work out what to do.

I have an 8-month-old and I’m quite tired and not very organised at the moment. It was my DP’s birthday and I thought I’d just book a table in town for a casual lunch with some friends. I decided to do this a week in advance, and messaged a few friends to say noon on Saturday at this particular restaurant.

Rosie and a few others said they would come. I didn’t mention it to any of them again (which I should have done, as a reminder) although a couple messaged me to check we were still going, which I confirmed.

On the day, we were driving over when I realised in the message to Rosie I actually hadn’t specified the time we were meeting.

I messaged her saying I was sorry, I just realised I hadn’t told her the time, and we were heading over now - could she make it?

After a while she messaged back to say that since she hadn’t heard anything back from me about it she assumed we weren’t going, and that she wasn’t able to attend now.

She is cross with me, and I think she feels that I couldn’t be bothered to get in touch with her to confirm the plans, or that if I’d really wanted her there I’d have made more of an effort.

I do think I was vague with the plans and I should have followed up with everybody and confirmed what was happening. Probably the only reason the others turned up is that they messaged me to double check it was still on!

I’ve apologised and suggested meeting up next week but she’s not replying. Feeling exhausted and guilty and not sure what to do!

YABU - you should have messaged all the guests a day or two beforehand, made sure you’d given the right details, and confirmed the plans. You left it up to everybody else to check what was happening. Rosie is right to be annoyed.

YANBU - it was a mistake, you apologised, and she is overreacting. It’s not a big deal and you can do someone another time.

Can I just say, OP, you sound like a really nice person. I don't really think either of you is unreasonable- it's just one of those seasons when friendships are hard, and that can be really hurtful to both sides - but you seem so self reflective and kind. I really hope you can work this out with Rosie.

She sounds like too much hard work, you didn’t mean to mess her around and you apologised. Don’t keep on trying to placate her, if she’s a genuine friend she’ll understand and come round. If not, then it’s her loss.

I think you need to stop beating yourself up and contorting yourself to see her point of view, it was an honest mistake. Stop obsessing and let her cool off. She should have messaged to check the time.

Oh thank you! That’s nice to hear. I do try to be unbiased and see things from all points of view (with varying success). Not sure how nice I am, probably could do better! Like most people, I suppose.

Yadnbu x

I do try to be unbiased and see things from all points of view

You're a mumsnet unicorn! I like you 😄

I don’t think you need MN for this one OP. You sound pretty reflective, kind and sensible without advice from here! Don’t spoil yourself!

She could have just asked instead of being huffy. She sounds like hard work.

I think you set up the scene as she is often upset as a red herring, as not only you cancelled on her recently, but also she was the only one not told about the time, which was really crap of you. Id be upset and probably not pursue a friend like this, as Id suspect you did this on purpose and only messaged her when you knew she would not be able to turn up as it was too late.

All these posters saying your friend is over sensitive, a wet lettuce, needs to grow up etc. I appreciate I'm projecting here somewhat but is it possible she declined other plans so she could make this lunch? Is it possible she lives alone and now wont see anyone else all day because her plans didn't go ahead? Is it possible she desperately needs to feel like someone actually WANTS to spend time with her and not just because she went to all the effort of organising something they wanted to do? Sometimes people have reasons for being more hurt than you think they ought to be. A bit of empathy and understanding is needed on both sides, and you sound like you already have that OP. I hope your DP had a great birthday lunch and I'm sure you'll find a way to make it up to your friend.

I have been on both sides of this situation and I can understand both your perspectives.

It is irritating when people don’t keep you in the loop on plans but as you have a small baby and are clearly tired and stressed I would have let this go.

Rosie seems a bit precious and vindictive to be turning what was obviously a genuine mistake made by someone who was tired into a drama. You should have apologised and you did, if she can’t get past it that’s ok her.

Ah the MN favourite. 'She sounds like hard work' because she's a bit - not massively - pissed off at being messed around. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Me, too! I think you sound lovely OP, and sensible.

You were unreasonable to not send out specific details in the first place. You managed to invite the others at noon but not her, so that was careless on your part.

She was also unreasonable not to ask you for the necessary details. If I received an invitation to someone's birthday meal that gave a date and a place but no time, the first thing I would do is reply and say yes I'd love to come, what time will it be.

She sounds a little too over sensitive. She probably knew you had forgotten to include the time and sat there just waiting to be offended on the day.

She probably knew you had forgotten to include the time and sat there just waiting to be offended on the day.

Don't be silly. You've no indication of this at all!

She sounds touchy

you sound like you don’t do this often but honestly if someone is so super sensitive it’s a sign to me to be a bit wary with them

life Is Too short

That's such a pathetic message, and also how embarrassing to have to ask people to double check plans you've made because you had a baby.
I think it's understandable she's pissed off and also that she hasn't answered OP as yet. Maybe she didn't want to reply annoyed, maybe she's distancing herself as OP has let her down a few times. No one knows, but she's not wrong because she's disappointed at being left out.

She is not oversensitive knowiong OP managed to give time to everyone BUT her after messing the same person around in the past...

But everyone else chased to find the time I thought?

@burnoutbabe everyone else was told 12 in their original message, just Rosie wasnt

If I were Rosie, I would have done what your other friends did and said "Is Saturday still happening? What time if so?". I wouldn't have made another plan without checking in, and if I'd forgotten then I'd have felt bad for you that I didn't come. Her reaction seems passive aggressive "I forgot, make it her fault for not giving a time so that I'm not the one in the wrong."
You've said sorry, move on. It's only a lunch after all.

If someone was super vague about a party a week away I would assume they were putting me on standby and then if they texted me to come just as the party was starting, I would assume their numbers were low and I was their plan B and now they wanted me there for appearances. Expecially if they had cancelled on me when I planned things 3 or 4 times recently and if they rarely initiate getting together.

The reality is that you don't really seem to see Rosie as a friend. Your actions should you don't really value her or this friendship. Maybe it is just time to let it go. Now all friends are friends for life and maybe you are just keeping her around because you don't know how to move on? I don't think you need to do anything more. Given you don't attend what she plans and you don't arrange plans, this friendship is already dying a slow death.

I generally just let friendships ebb out if the other person isn't putting any effort into it. One sided friendships aren't really very meaningful. I am not going to keep putting effort in when it is clear that person doens't value that effort and doens't make effort back. If that person later wants to reestablish the friendship and put effort into it, then great. In my life, some just friendships just die out, others come and go.

Why didn't she just message to ask if it was still going ahead? It is what I would have done.

If someone was super vague about a party a week away I would assume they were putting me on standby
I have never known anyone who has done this. You might ask someone extra at the last minute if there's extra spaces, but no normal person will dangle a party invite and then deliberately not invite the person, that's bizarre behaviour. For this to be your go-to thought about what's happening suggests you have some interpersonal issues or have been damaged by some very odd people in the past. Please understand, normal people don't ever do that.

Of course they do. Lots of people just want enough people at a party so they mention it in a vague way with no specifcs to a wider group and then give specifics to their Plan A people. Then those people can't come, they move to the Plan B people and give them the specifics.

You have probably been a Plan B person more times than you realize!

I have no interpersonal issues and have lots of friends. No issues there at all.