To ask is it rude to go on your phone?

[autienotnaughtym]

I'm on a 40th birthday weekend. We traveled on the train, went out for lunch. Saw a show . Came back to hotel and had a hour then out for dinner and drinks.

In day to day life I do use my phone a lot- messages, Google, jingle, podcasts,music, tv etc. I'm not really on social media. (Other than mn)

During the trip I've looked at my phone a few times on the train (whe I wasn't in a conversation) just checking / answering messages etc When we came back to hotel after theatre I was sharing with birthday girl, she rang her dh and I rang mine and chatted to our son. I also laid down for ten min and caught up on messages/had a nosy on mn. On the tube for about 20 min I was feeling a bit queasy so distracted myself with phone (we were all sat sporadically and I wasn't with anyone)
Later we went to a nightclub , too noisy to talk so either dancing or sitting , I love to dance, so I danced probably 70% of time with bday girl and everyone, had lots of fun. A few times I'd sit for a rest and would get my phone out as I wasn't with anyone. I noticed bday girl kept coming over if I was sat and asking me to request a song or take a photo , go out with her while she smoked (I don't) or get up to dance. At one point I rang my teen dd (outside) to check in.
Bday girl came up and said she had spoke to her dh but forgotten to speak to her (teen) kids. I said don't worry I'm sure they are fine . She said something along lines of "I just don't feel the need to be on my phone all the time like you" I asked what she meant and she said nothing and walked back in.

I didn't use my phone during meals, or obviously the theatre. Nor when we were walking round or sat in bars talking. And when I did it use it it in nightclub was generally if I was sat alone and would literally by a minute or two. Other than on tube when i was completely alone and in hotel when I laid down for ten min. I do find social situations over stimulating at times and looking at phone does help/distract.

So was I rude?

Hard to tell, but probably, yes. We all use our phones a bit too much

There are ten of us btw. I saw others using phones at times which didn't seem to bother bday girl. We were best friends at school and have maintained contact in adult hood .

was she bothered?
at the night club though it probably was unnecessary
it is the way of 2023

Do you think? The other option was watch people dance. (Which is what we did before we had phones 😂)

I think she was bothered. She only during lockdown got a smart phone, got WhatsApp. Before she had a old school phone and would only ring people. She's very techno Phob.

Possibly it was a case of you not being on the phone more than others, but being on your phone whenever she happened to look in your direction.

It is tedious when you are out with people and they can't leave their phones alone, so if she formed this impression it's understandable she was irked.

I think the problem is when you go on it, it's sending a message that you're bored and not interested in those around you. I would have probably found it a bit rude (of everyone)

I think she found it too much and you said yourself it bothered her.

You didn’t, so there was a difference of opinion, which in itself isn’t wrong.

If you are bothered that your phone use upset your friend - say sorry. If you want to be ‘right’, stick to your guns etc - don’t.

Sometimes it’s better just to acknowledge the hurt and move on rather than make a defence against it and everyone gets stuck.

I don't know. Maybe you are a bit too fixated and reliant on your phone. I know some people who can't leave the bloody thing alone for any real stretch of time and admittedly I do find it a bit off-putting...rude and childish.
I don't say anything but I do think 'put that thing down ffs'.

And those who drift off in the middle of actual conversation to respond to whatever notification they've just got.
"Sorry, hang on...."
Or just tuning out with no apology.

Makes me want to get up and leave.

Using it in the nightclub was rude. It would really annoy me.

Thanks really good point. I'll take it on board.

I'm not feeling apologetic right now! We are sharing a room. Need to be out of hotel at 1030. She said late last night she would set an alarm. I said don't bother I don't layin. She set an alarm for 6am. Which has woke me and now I can't sleep! She has gone back to sleep, she also snoozed it twice. No idea why she set it so early.

That

Definitely.

And this.

I've had 2 nights out recently, one was my work do and I didn't look at my phone once.

The 2nd was my DH's work do and I used my phone a few times. Especially when he was off chatting and I was by myself, I was bored!

So I do assume if someone is on their phone, then they're bored/disengaged from their surroundings.

On the tube it's fine. 10 minutes chilling in the hotel is fine. In the nightclub it does suggest you don't want to be there.

Ok fair enough. I genuinely can't see why sitting in a environment where talking is impossible and looking at your phone (if alone ) is an issue. It could be argued that going off to smoke outside regularly is unsociable but I don't begrudge her. But I accept I'm in a minority. (And tired and grumpy thanks to early wake up)

"I saw others using phones at times which didn't seem to bother bday girl."

The most likely explanation is that you were on your phone notably more.

I do live with older teens tho so maybe my view of phone use is skewered! I wouldn't say i was bored but I definitely like to disengage for a bit.

And that's what came across. You see?

I like to leave my phone off and in my bag - to show people who I am socialising with that I am present, available and not rude.

Anyone on their phone sends out an aura of arrogance and stops others from approaching them. Others assume that you would not want them to interupt your scrolling. You also look bored and disrespectful. In reality you do not notice small communication cues from your friends and they feel like you see them as second best.

My partner and I do not invite our phones out to dinner, to weddings or funerals, to some holiday daytrips, to doctors appointments, our bedroom, when driving in the car, our grandchildren's playdates, on walks in parks or on beaches etc. Phone calls always cause distraction and thus safety issues, invade privacy and you can choose when they are welcome.
I always insist passengers who drive with me to give me the respect of turning their phone off; I am not their robot taxi.

It is acceptable to excuse yourself for a short set time to check with the babysitter or call a taxi. And everyone is fine to inquire about the kids or taxi and expect that you will soon be back.

Don’t know how anyone can condemn someone for using their phone in a nightclub if they aren’t dancing. It’s not as if the woman was being denied a stimulating chat (if conversation was her interest she would t be a night club). I’m easily bored and if I don’t have anyone to talk to and I’m not watching something, I’ll start reading on my phone. It’s not as conspicuous as what I would have done 30 years ago—taken a book out of my bag and start reading that.

I get it, but bday friend picked up on that, I think if I were you I'd just apologise and when in her company really censor my use of it so as not to offend her (if she's a lovely mate).

Yes YABU, you laid down twice, & you don’t layin 🤔

I think you're probably reaching the end of the weekend where everyone has had enough of each other's constant company and is being irritated by things they do