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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask is it rude to go on your phone?

111 replies

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 06:36

I'm on a 40th birthday weekend. We traveled on the train, went out for lunch. Saw a show . Came back to hotel and had a hour then out for dinner and drinks.

In day to day life I do use my phone a lot- messages, Google, jingle, podcasts,music, tv etc. I'm not really on social media. (Other than mn)

During the trip I've looked at my phone a few times on the train (whe I wasn't in a conversation) just checking / answering messages etc When we came back to hotel after theatre I was sharing with birthday girl, she rang her dh and I rang mine and chatted to our son. I also laid down for ten min and caught up on messages/had a nosy on mn. On the tube for about 20 min I was feeling a bit queasy so distracted myself with phone (we were all sat sporadically and I wasn't with anyone)
Later we went to a nightclub , too noisy to talk so either dancing or sitting , I love to dance, so I danced probably 70% of time with bday girl and everyone, had lots of fun. A few times I'd sit for a rest and would get my phone out as I wasn't with anyone. I noticed bday girl kept coming over if I was sat and asking me to request a song or take a photo , go out with her while she smoked (I don't) or get up to dance. At one point I rang my teen dd (outside) to check in.
Bday girl came up and said she had spoke to her dh but forgotten to speak to her (teen) kids. I said don't worry I'm sure they are fine . She said something along lines of "I just don't feel the need to be on my phone all the time like you" I asked what she meant and she said nothing and walked back in.

I didn't use my phone during meals, or obviously the theatre. Nor when we were walking round or sat in bars talking. And when I did it use it it in nightclub was generally if I was sat alone and would literally by a minute or two. Other than on tube when i was completely alone and in hotel when I laid down for ten min. I do find social situations over stimulating at times and looking at phone does help/distract.

So was I rude?

OP posts:
Parisj · 21/05/2023 08:15

No I think she just is a bit out of step with what is normal phone use in 2023 - if she only got a smartphone relatively recently - which is her view and fine but you don't need to accept the criticism or share her view. My ddad used to tut and eye roll whenever we looked at our phones, now he has a tablet and is constantly glued to it. Yes they are addictive but also useful and a way of unwinding.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/05/2023 08:19

Gothambutnotahamster · 21/05/2023 08:07

Sorry Op, but from how you describe it, it does sound like you were on your phone at every opportunity. This makes it seem like you were bored & therefore it does seem rude.

On the train, on the tube(sat alone), for 10 minutes during chill time in the room and in the club for a phone call and again during "rest" times while sat alone.

How is that every opportunity?

DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 08:25

Ok, from your posts I think that you're using your phone in a slightly different way to most of us - you've mentioned several times "switching off" or having a break if things get too much for you. Whereas I think many people do it when they're bored of whatever is going on around them and are looking for more simulation, not less. Hence the misunderstanding?

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/05/2023 08:28

DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 08:02

The book comparison is a good one I think. And you wouldn't take out a book or crossword puzzle at a club, would you?

A night club is my idea of hell and always has been. I probably would if I could.

FernGully43 · 21/05/2023 08:41

Primrosefrill · 21/05/2023 06:58

Using it in the nightclub was rude. It would really annoy me.

Yup. Rude

Veenah · 21/05/2023 08:49

Agree with the book/crossword analogy, you just wouldn't do it in a club. If everyone in the group sat down looking at their phones in a nightclub it wouldn't be much of a night out.

labamba007 · 21/05/2023 08:51

Don't find it rude at all. You were having fun then went on your phone, birthday girl had other people to talk to. This is how my group of friends are and it's perfectly normal for us! Also you've presumably spent money for your friends 40th birthday and time and I'd see it as acting quite bratty 🤷‍♀️

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/05/2023 08:58

Veenah · 21/05/2023 08:49

Agree with the book/crossword analogy, you just wouldn't do it in a club. If everyone in the group sat down looking at their phones in a nightclub it wouldn't be much of a night out.

Why the hyperbole? No one did that. Not even the OP. She only used her phone when having a break from dancing AND was sat alone. What was she supposed to do instead? Gaze adoringly at the birthday girl?

Kingdedede · 21/05/2023 09:03

This phone usage sounds normal to me, I have a family member who will sit and play games on their phone when we visit them/family around every 6 weeks , I’ve stopped trying to engage with them.

burnoutbabe · 21/05/2023 09:04

DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 08:02

The book comparison is a good one I think. And you wouldn't take out a book or crossword puzzle at a club, would you?

Yes some of us would prefer to have a book in a nightclub than dance.

Obviously I wouldn't do that but I would prefer to not be at the club these days and finish the night at 10-11. But that's not an option. I'd happily "guard the drinks" at the table.
So she should be grateful friend came to the club in first place.

Peppadog · 21/05/2023 09:04

Yes it's rude. I never use my phone when out socially with people especially not sitting there in a night club. Fair enough send a quick text but settling down in a chair and 'going on your phone' it's something I'd expect of a teenager not an adult.

bussteward · 21/05/2023 09:05

It does sound as though the moment you’re not being entertained – sitting apart from others on the Tube, in the nightclub, etc – you’re whipping your phone out. From her POV it might look like you either can’t wait to be reunited with your phone, or you’re not making the effort to engage in anything and the moment other people aren’t doing the work of conversation etc, you’re giving up and going on your phone.

what do your screen time statistics say about how many hours a day you use it?

WhatInFreshHell · 21/05/2023 09:13

Why do you keep saying 'bday girl'? How old is she, 5?

GoodChat · 21/05/2023 09:14

WhatInFreshHell · 21/05/2023 09:13

Why do you keep saying 'bday girl'? How old is she, 5?

She's 40. Which is in the first line of the OP...

bussteward · 21/05/2023 09:21

WhatInFreshHell · 21/05/2023 09:13

Why do you keep saying 'bday girl'? How old is she, 5?

To identify her from the other friends, the way some people post “we’ll call her Clara” or “Person A” and make the post easy to read. HTH.

darjeelingrose · 21/05/2023 09:45

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 06:43

I think she was bothered. She only during lockdown got a smart phone, got WhatsApp. Before she had a old school phone and would only ring people. She's very techno Phob.

I don't really use a phone either, certainly not in the way that you describe. I also prefer ringing people and I don't whip it out in every spare moment and I generally would have a kindle with me on a train journey. I'm not a technophobe though, it's an active choice, I want to be where I'm at, not distracted. It sounds like you are the opposite, and that's fine too. But your friend clearly finds that your approach is a bit annoying, which is a pity as it was her birthday.

She is not out of step, she is just making different choices to you. It sounds like she wanted you more involved than you were, she kept coming over, you say, and wanting you to join in, and you were on your phone. If you had been knitting it would have been the same thing. She felt that you weren't in the moment.

Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 09:49

Well I fucked up. I asked this morning why she set her alarm for 6am. She said she always does and just goes back to sleep. That annoyed me as it's a bit selfish. So I said I was annoyed as I rarely go away or sleep in. She's now upset and I've ruined the weekend. So unlikely I'll be invited again.

OP posts:
Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 09:52

DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 08:25

Ok, from your posts I think that you're using your phone in a slightly different way to most of us - you've mentioned several times "switching off" or having a break if things get too much for you. Whereas I think many people do it when they're bored of whatever is going on around them and are looking for more simulation, not less. Hence the misunderstanding?

I see it that way (I'm autistic) but agree potentially not perceived that way.

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/05/2023 09:58

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 09:49

Well I fucked up. I asked this morning why she set her alarm for 6am. She said she always does and just goes back to sleep. That annoyed me as it's a bit selfish. So I said I was annoyed as I rarely go away or sleep in. She's now upset and I've ruined the weekend. So unlikely I'll be invited again.

She's being a drama queen. Not wanting to be woken up at 6 am on a getaway is not ruining the whole weekend. It's all bollocks.

Pot8ohs · 21/05/2023 10:02

Just got to your latest update. The alarm at 6am is really selfish. She sounds like she’s been storing something up and spoiling for a fight to be honest. Is that like her?

Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 10:05

Pot8ohs · 21/05/2023 10:02

Just got to your latest update. The alarm at 6am is really selfish. She sounds like she’s been storing something up and spoiling for a fight to be honest. Is that like her?

I think the alarm was thoughtlessness but maybe reaction is due to last night too?

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 21/05/2023 10:05

Big difference in my view between using it on the train (which is a legitimate form of distraction like reading a book) and using it in a nightclub or a restaurant.

Most people are too dependent on their phones and it's the modern way but it's kind of inescapable that at periods of rest and withdrawal that people use them and you don't have to be in "extrovert" mode all the time so I think it's totally reasonable to use it if you want a bit of a breather from conversation.

But using it at a point where people are meant to be coming together socially/talking is rude, yes.

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 11:17

why did you stoke the fire @autienotnaughtym

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/05/2023 11:19

A bit. It does sound like you can’t put it down, and that gives off the message that you’re bored.

itsmylife7 · 21/05/2023 11:29

I'd think you're bored out of your head,especially using the phone in a night club.