To ask is it rude to go on your phone?

[autienotnaughtym]

I'm on a 40th birthday weekend. We traveled on the train, went out for lunch. Saw a show . Came back to hotel and had a hour then out for dinner and drinks.

In day to day life I do use my phone a lot- messages, Google, jingle, podcasts,music, tv etc. I'm not really on social media. (Other than mn)

During the trip I've looked at my phone a few times on the train (whe I wasn't in a conversation) just checking / answering messages etc When we came back to hotel after theatre I was sharing with birthday girl, she rang her dh and I rang mine and chatted to our son. I also laid down for ten min and caught up on messages/had a nosy on mn. On the tube for about 20 min I was feeling a bit queasy so distracted myself with phone (we were all sat sporadically and I wasn't with anyone)
Later we went to a nightclub , too noisy to talk so either dancing or sitting , I love to dance, so I danced probably 70% of time with bday girl and everyone, had lots of fun. A few times I'd sit for a rest and would get my phone out as I wasn't with anyone. I noticed bday girl kept coming over if I was sat and asking me to request a song or take a photo , go out with her while she smoked (I don't) or get up to dance. At one point I rang my teen dd (outside) to check in.
Bday girl came up and said she had spoke to her dh but forgotten to speak to her (teen) kids. I said don't worry I'm sure they are fine . She said something along lines of "I just don't feel the need to be on my phone all the time like you" I asked what she meant and she said nothing and walked back in.

I didn't use my phone during meals, or obviously the theatre. Nor when we were walking round or sat in bars talking. And when I did it use it it in nightclub was generally if I was sat alone and would literally by a minute or two. Other than on tube when i was completely alone and in hotel when I laid down for ten min. I do find social situations over stimulating at times and looking at phone does help/distract.

So was I rude?

It depends on what sort of person she is. If she regularly makes off the cuff snarky comments but also is quite hypocritically thoughtless then I’d brush it off, but I wouldn’t want her as a friend to be honest!

The snarkiness is all a bit childish really though isn’t it. I don’t think you were on your phone that much. If she thought you were bored wouldn’t it have been better to ask you? How long have you known each other?

Being on the phone in the nightclub could be seen as boredom but then if someone is having a rest, is alone and has been dancing and being very involved all evening then it seems quite normal. Especially to avoid being chatted up etc. its seems a small thing to be snarky about.

and the alarm - she might have forgotten to turn it off

I find it extremely rude. If you do not wish to engage with people at an event, don't go! Stay at home and scroll away
All the excuses here seem to me a bit like giving a child a colouring book to entertain them for a bit, adults with manners should not need this
Nothing important was happening on your phone, you were there to engage with people
I would not be happy to go for a night out and watch you pull out your phone at every opportunity but obviously tik tok or whatever drivel is more important than friends and being sociable
If your phone had rang and it was an emergency situation it is completely different

" It could be argued that going off to smoke outside regularly is unsociable "

It is and even worse expecting non smokers to go out too if it's cold.

"Nothing important was happening on your phone, you were there to engage with people"

But she couldn't engage with people as it was too loud to talk at the nightclub!

It does sound like you cannot leave your phone aside for very long at all and that’s bound to be irritating to others you’re supposed to be spending time with.

maybe just don’t go out for very long next time? Catch up over a quick drink rather than a nightclub and hotel.

I think this is the point. Not being on your phone means that you are engaged with your surroundings in a different way and you are actually participating in what's going on around you, rather than being mentally off somewhere else. You are actually available to chat. Even if you're not talking to your friends you make eye contact, you might share a laugh at someone's terrible dancing, you might mouth across the tube carriage to check if it's the next stop, you smile at each other and appear to be actually enjoying your time in the club or restaurant rather than sending out the message that there are more interesting and important things going on somewhere else.

This might seem dangerous, unhinged and borderline illegal but try leaving your phone at home one night when you go out and see how things are different when that distraction is not an option.

Getting your phone out in the club was rude. If you were part of a group I think looking at it on the tube was too. It sends the signal that whatever is on your phone is more important than the people you are with. You certainly aren’t present with them.

Had you been together away before, OP? Some friends are amazing in smaller doses but absolutely are not the right people to spend whole weekends with. I have a couple of friends I've gone on weekends away with and by the Sunday, I am internally gritting my teeth at their 'quirks'. I stick to coffee dates/meals etc after that! It may be you're just not compatible friends in terms of whole weekends away together, and now you know for next time.

On the flip side I've been away for long stretches with my best friend and we get along fine, so it's just different dynamics really. The alarm thing was very selfish so I wouldn't be rushing to go away with her again even she did want to.

Also if I'm sitting alone on the tube or anywhere else of course I'm going to use my phone. I might check emails, look at the news, read some of my book, fire off a quick message to my mum or my husband. Why wouldn't you? Is it somehow more virtuous to sit gazing around surrounded by strangers?

Whole weekends you can't be intensely 'switched on' and social all the time anyway. I'm an introvert and I'd have to take a week to recover if I was expected to make conversation and be social for an entire weekend without fail. You bet I'm lying down on the bed for 15 mins to recharge or taking a small break in a nightclub to myself for a few mins.

This. It's like every other vice, people rarely admit the truth of how often they do something. No point complaining about not getting away much if it's just a different location to be scrolling in. Your boredom will negatively impact on everyone else's trip. Not surprised she's hacked off.

Also I just saw you are autistic, OP, in which case I'd wager that the social elements of weekends like this can be even more intense and taxing for you than for a lot of NT people. Honestly I really dislike these kind of weekends away in a group, they are just not my thing at all. It's very unusual you get a group of friends who gel that well for a whole weekend anyway, and the constant intensity of interaction is a lot. Every one I've been on, by the Sunday people are ratty, irritated by at least one of the other group members, there is also some 'alarm' scenario where one person has done something to piss off someone else and you all get the train back in a kind of awkward/tense mood.

Oh and finally, I think sometimes extroverts just don't understand how unpleasant being 'always on' is for introverts. Your friend constantly trying to drag you to request songs, dance even though you'd done plenty, do this and that. I'm sure in her head she thought she was being nice because she was probably thinking from it from her perspective and how she wouldn't want to be sitting alone for a few minutes etc. But if I'm having a sit down and a recharge after a burst of activity then just leave me alone! I don't need to be marched back into the dancefloor or escorted to request a song or be constantly doing something.

It's often just a fundamental misunderstanding between two people coming from very different perspectives (and again the problem with whole weekends: you don't have this issue for shorter social interactions because you can be 'on' for a whole meal or evening or whatever and then switch off/recharge after, whereas a weekend in a shared hotel room with constant stuff on you just can't get away.

I'm autistic too, and admittedly wouldn't even have went on the weekend as I dread even the thought of a nightclub, so I get that these things can be difficult for different reasons. However, most of the time OP mentions being on her phone, it seems like she was on it for the sake of it. Only once or twice does she mention using it due to being overstimulated.
It does sound like you are just generally attached to your phone OP, especially if people are noticing. Sometimes you don't realise these things until someone points it out.

So, if you're on the tube but separated from your group, are you obliged to stare at the tube adverts? Count the rivets in the train ceiling?! Or shout across to your group?!
What is wrong with using your phone in that scenario?

You apparently have to be available at all times to mouth 'next stop?' even when you know it's the next stop.

Good point

Wow the 6 am alarm is a million times worse than being on your phone a bit.
I would be so annoyed at that. Extremely selfish of her.

I am not autistic but a whole weekend with a group would make me want some downtime during parts (like a tube journey)

At 40, with kids/partner you probably don't enjoy nightclubs as much as when young and actually a weekend away you don't want a massive hangover and look forward to a nice lie in.

But I assume skipping the nightclub would have been rude too?? Even if attending all other parts?

Exactly how I interpret it @JandalsAlways. I'm always a little WTF when I see people scrolling or texting on their phones in social situations or in beautiful places, as it seems they're more engaged in the phone than the company or environment.

All the excuses here seem to me a bit like giving a child a colouring book to entertain them for a bit, adults with manners should not need this

I like that analogy @squidgybits and agree. Adults should be able to just "be" in their environment without needing the crutch of the internet. Always strikes me as a little emotionally immature and lacking in imagination (yes, I know that's unfairly judgemental of me)

I get the need to recharge I really do, I need that too in big groups, but I do think you were really rude.

Although to be honest I think the book thing is so much more rude than scrolling through a phone

As a pp said it does come across as you were not enjoying yourself and as it was her celebration I can see why she was pissed off

Why? So OP is sat on her own, no one is talking to her, no one is near her. How the hell do her actions impact the group or a reflection of the group or how she feels about them?

I don't always go on my phone during "free time" but I do go inside my head which probably looks even worse/weirder being all glazed over and absent.

What this thread shows is the assumptions people make based on prejudice, and not much else. Oh, the horror a phone!

If you're that needy that someone else's behaviour (that you are not even engaging with) affects you that much/ruins the night , that is your problem.

I like you. @AngryGreasedSantaCatcus 😂

The friend kept coming over when she was sitting down, so she clearly wanted to spend time with the OP. The OP wanted to put a bit of distance. That's fine, nobody is getting hysterical about the phone, but it's obviously irked the friend a bit, that's all. I don't see the assumptions myself. The friend was clear about wanting the OP to be more engaged, the OP wanted some time out, neither is wrong particularly, defending the OP is hardly a hill to die on though.

I agree with you.

I think SHE was rude and the 6am alarm would piss me off so much.