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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask is it rude to go on your phone?

111 replies

autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 06:36

I'm on a 40th birthday weekend. We traveled on the train, went out for lunch. Saw a show . Came back to hotel and had a hour then out for dinner and drinks.

In day to day life I do use my phone a lot- messages, Google, jingle, podcasts,music, tv etc. I'm not really on social media. (Other than mn)

During the trip I've looked at my phone a few times on the train (whe I wasn't in a conversation) just checking / answering messages etc When we came back to hotel after theatre I was sharing with birthday girl, she rang her dh and I rang mine and chatted to our son. I also laid down for ten min and caught up on messages/had a nosy on mn. On the tube for about 20 min I was feeling a bit queasy so distracted myself with phone (we were all sat sporadically and I wasn't with anyone)
Later we went to a nightclub , too noisy to talk so either dancing or sitting , I love to dance, so I danced probably 70% of time with bday girl and everyone, had lots of fun. A few times I'd sit for a rest and would get my phone out as I wasn't with anyone. I noticed bday girl kept coming over if I was sat and asking me to request a song or take a photo , go out with her while she smoked (I don't) or get up to dance. At one point I rang my teen dd (outside) to check in.
Bday girl came up and said she had spoke to her dh but forgotten to speak to her (teen) kids. I said don't worry I'm sure they are fine . She said something along lines of "I just don't feel the need to be on my phone all the time like you" I asked what she meant and she said nothing and walked back in.

I didn't use my phone during meals, or obviously the theatre. Nor when we were walking round or sat in bars talking. And when I did it use it it in nightclub was generally if I was sat alone and would literally by a minute or two. Other than on tube when i was completely alone and in hotel when I laid down for ten min. I do find social situations over stimulating at times and looking at phone does help/distract.

So was I rude?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 21/05/2023 07:13

@YDBear I'm assuming (could be wrong) that OP's phone use had been clocked prior to being in the nightclub and the dander was already up.

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 07:14

Hugasauras · 21/05/2023 07:11

I think you're probably reaching the end of the weekend where everyone has had enough of each other's constant company and is being irritated by things they do Grin

And this as well! It's a mini shit storm.
Stay calm and mind your manners, it will blow over.

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/05/2023 07:17

Some people have a thing about technology. It's there so I use it, it's the way I was brought up and I'm 68! I don't think its wrong to check up on your family and occasionally look at other things. Would it be rude to read a book on the train? Nobody owns your time and your mind so I'm with the OP.

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 07:18

also, she is a technophobe, you said,
and probably proud of it

NWQM · 21/05/2023 07:19

It obviously did annoy her and then her reference to it annoyed you. How do you normally resolve any conflict that has come up? Will she forget about it or stew?
Personally I think people do over use their phones in social settings. Makes for a different dynamic but I feel sad that people can't live in the momentum and enjoy where they are, who they are with. Expecting that all weekend when you are away from family is unrealistic. There is an expectation that you stay more in touch than we used to because you can.
I think the smoking is a good point though - she can abandon the evening for a bit to have a smoke but you can't go on your phone. Did she even check out if something was up at home that was needing of your attention?

Willmafrockfit · 21/05/2023 07:19

each to their own!
no stress

Mummadeze · 21/05/2023 07:25

I would have done the same as you, so maybe I am rude too. But sounds fine to me.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/05/2023 07:34

Your phone use sounds absolutely fine to me. I think going out to smoke all the time is far more rude than checking your phone for a few seconds as well 🤷‍♀️

ShimmeringShirts · 21/05/2023 07:47

I’d probably check my phone with the same frequency if I was away from DC so no I don’t think you were rude. Sounds like you’re paying her attention the majority of the time.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 21/05/2023 07:50

I don't see any issues with how and when you used your phone. It probably did seem excessive to her given her minimal use and her comment was factual in her eyes. It's a matter of perspective.

Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 07:53

YDBear · 21/05/2023 07:10

Don’t know how anyone can condemn someone for using their phone in a nightclub if they aren’t dancing. It’s not as if the woman was being denied a stimulating chat (if conversation was her interest she would t be a night club). I’m easily bored and if I don’t have anyone to talk to and I’m not watching something, I’ll start reading on my phone. It’s not as conspicuous as what I would have done 30 years ago—taken a book out of my bag and start reading that.

I use to do this too! Or a crossword puzzle 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 07:55

pictoosh · 21/05/2023 07:13

@YDBear I'm assuming (could be wrong) that OP's phone use had been clocked prior to being in the nightclub and the dander was already up.

Agreed

OP posts:
Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 07:57

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/05/2023 07:17

Some people have a thing about technology. It's there so I use it, it's the way I was brought up and I'm 68! I don't think its wrong to check up on your family and occasionally look at other things. Would it be rude to read a book on the train? Nobody owns your time and your mind so I'm with the OP.

Thank you. I find it a bit needy to be constantly switched on and engaged. Especially on an extended event. If I met someone for coffee or lunch I wouldn't go on my phone.

OP posts:
Howtohideasausage · 21/05/2023 07:58

Well, it sounds rude to mention it to someone and setting a really early alarm for no reason is rude, so maybe she’s not one to talk?

I would have been tempted to get my phone out in a nightclub too thinking about it. I used to find them incredibly dull as I’d only gone with other people and it’s not like you can talk to people.

I wouldn’t bring it up again, just sounds like she’s in a mood.

Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 07:59

NWQM · 21/05/2023 07:19

It obviously did annoy her and then her reference to it annoyed you. How do you normally resolve any conflict that has come up? Will she forget about it or stew?
Personally I think people do over use their phones in social settings. Makes for a different dynamic but I feel sad that people can't live in the momentum and enjoy where they are, who they are with. Expecting that all weekend when you are away from family is unrealistic. There is an expectation that you stay more in touch than we used to because you can.
I think the smoking is a good point though - she can abandon the evening for a bit to have a smoke but you can't go on your phone. Did she even check out if something was up at home that was needing of your attention?

I have two kids with Sen which she knows. I never completely switch off. But tbf only some of my phone use was to family.

OP posts:
Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 08:01

NWQM · 21/05/2023 07:19

It obviously did annoy her and then her reference to it annoyed you. How do you normally resolve any conflict that has come up? Will she forget about it or stew?
Personally I think people do over use their phones in social settings. Makes for a different dynamic but I feel sad that people can't live in the momentum and enjoy where they are, who they are with. Expecting that all weekend when you are away from family is unrealistic. There is an expectation that you stay more in touch than we used to because you can.
I think the smoking is a good point though - she can abandon the evening for a bit to have a smoke but you can't go on your phone. Did she even check out if something was up at home that was needing of your attention?

I think she passively aggressively set an alarm for 6am to wake me. Despite me telling her we didn't need an alarm and we don't need to leave until 1030. She had been snoring for past two hours and I can't sleep.

OP posts:
LucyIoo · 21/05/2023 08:01

It sounds like you were probably on it a lot, I'd never mention this to anyone as it's each to their own. I have been on nights out with people who are glued to their phone and I just make a point of not bothering again if I think its not worth it. In this case, it doesn't sound like you were glued to it. It prob came across in the nightclub like you were bored if you were sitting alone on your phone rather than joining in. But still, I'd have never have made the comment even if I'd have thought it.

DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 08:02

The book comparison is a good one I think. And you wouldn't take out a book or crossword puzzle at a club, would you?

Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 08:03

Howtohideasausage · 21/05/2023 07:58

Well, it sounds rude to mention it to someone and setting a really early alarm for no reason is rude, so maybe she’s not one to talk?

I would have been tempted to get my phone out in a nightclub too thinking about it. I used to find them incredibly dull as I’d only gone with other people and it’s not like you can talk to people.

I wouldn’t bring it up again, just sounds like she’s in a mood.

Im definitely asking about the alarm. Maybe she was drunk and meant to set it for 10! So annoying as I was asleep (at home I'm up at 5 every day)

OP posts:
Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 08:05

DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 08:02

The book comparison is a good one I think. And you wouldn't take out a book or crossword puzzle at a club, would you?

Hmmm I did use to carry a book around and get it out if I needed a break. (Only in a group setting not one on one) now I have my phone. Ok maybe it is me!

OP posts:
DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 08:07

Honestly OP I love reading and take a book around with me too (hence username!) and I would get it out on the train etc. But in a club?? Really?!

Gothambutnotahamster · 21/05/2023 08:07

Sorry Op, but from how you describe it, it does sound like you were on your phone at every opportunity. This makes it seem like you were bored & therefore it does seem rude.

saveforthat · 21/05/2023 08:08

I think using your phone in a nightclub is weird but I often leave my phone at home when I go out so probably use it a lot less than most people. I find that people who use their phone a lot go into a sort of trance and can seem irritated that you are interrupting their phone use if you talk to them.

Original poster
autienotnaughtym · 21/05/2023 08:12

DucksNewburyport · 21/05/2023 08:07

Honestly OP I love reading and take a book around with me too (hence username!) and I would get it out on the train etc. But in a club?? Really?!

Maybe not a nightclub prob too dark.but in teens I definitely snuck off to a quiet spot and had a 5min read when out ina group. I assumed I wouldn't be missed😂

OP posts:
sandgrown · 21/05/2023 08:13

We had a friend who pestered for months to join us on a visit to a particular restaurant. She came and spent the whole time on her phone . She is 52 FFS not a teenager. A close friend told her to leave her phone at home next time. We were told in Iceland that if you go for dinner at someone’s house everyone leaves their phone in a basket by the door .