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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL completely prefers other GC

124 replies

anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:37

I have 2DC with my H aged 11 and 15

SIL has 3 DC 4, 6, 9

She has SILs dc full time free of charge so SIL can work. Literally enabling her career. H and I have always worked full time working opposing shifts to be around for the DCs.
it was bloody hard when they were young... So it was rough knowing SIL had all the help in the world and could swan off to work knowing dc were sorted

if MIL does help it's only as an emergency and after we've exhausted all other options. SILs kids always come first and if we do ever have to ask it feels like a massive inconvenience for her

She's taken SILs dc away on holiday numerous times and never ours. Visits them all the time and is involved in birthdays etc. I know this as it's all over fb. our lot get a card through the post and a tenner each but no effort.

She barely knows our DCs and they don't know her. DCs no longer want to visit or bother with her on the very rare occasions she graces us with her presence. It's a shame but luckily because of the lack of interest being consistent during their lives they simply do not care. they also have a great relationship with my parents who are very involved and loving. So would be nice to have the same on the other side

But what I just don't get is why ? H won't say anything as doesn't want to rock the boat as he's very close to MIL and won't hear a bad word said. But it pisses me off, these are his children???
I completely get that some grandparents aren't very involved with any of their grandkids and I think that's personal choice and up to them. But this blatant favouritism is hurtful and unfair I think. I just want to understand why.

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 20/05/2023 21:42

Is SIL her own daughter and your DH her son?

silverspoonsz · 20/05/2023 21:42

How often do your kids visit? You say your husband is very close to his mum so he must visit her regularly with the kids?

Hercisback · 20/05/2023 21:43

Did you ever ask her for childcare when yours were little? Your eldest had 2 years before SILs were born, that was the time to lay the foundations of the relationship.

Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:44

stargirl1701 · 20/05/2023 21:42

Is SIL her own daughter and your DH her son?

Yes

OP posts:
somethingslastforever · 20/05/2023 21:44

How is your relationship with MIL? I find that makes a difference - not blaming you. I don't find my MIL particularly pleasant and have called her out on it. She now barely bothers with my DC but I'm assuming it's because she knows she won't get off with her behaviour anymore.

Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:45

Hercisback · 20/05/2023 21:43

Did you ever ask her for childcare when yours were little? Your eldest had 2 years before SILs were born, that was the time to lay the foundations of the relationship.

Yeah actually she did used to be better before SILs kids came along but not anywhere near as interested / involved as my parents. Soon as SIL started having them my kids were dropped like hot bricks

OP posts:
Dedodee · 20/05/2023 21:46

Your dh can’t be that close to his dm if she not interested in his dc.
I would ask outright why she prefers her other dgc.
She’ll splutter and deny it though.

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 21:46

I have this but with my own mum! She prefers my brother's children has them all the time literally weekly but will never have mine I guess maybe in an emergency she puts constant pics of them on WhatsApp but never any of mine. I'm a single mum and my brother and his partner are very much together so it's hurtful my mum will never help with my children but have theirs constantly I've given up trying. I don't really speak to her now.

baffledcoconut · 20/05/2023 21:46

I understand. It’s really quite hurtful isn’t it? It’s the same in our family and I can’t see it ever being any better. Best way to deal with it is to make a family unit of your own with your husband and kids and don’t worry about others. It’s great they have a good relationship with your parents- embrace it and don’t worry too much about the other side. It will only eat away at you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2023 21:46

Hard to understand how DH is very close to her but she barely knows his DC. Is his dad around?

Mariposista · 20/05/2023 21:47

Oh the classic favouring her daughter's kids over her son's. What a shame. So sorry OP. This type of thing still going on in 2023...

UWhatNow · 20/05/2023 21:47

YANBU op. The favouritism is horrible and hurtful. Maybe DH is defensive because he feels guilty that he didn’t step up and facilitate that relationship better when they were young? It’s not all one way. Did you give her ample opportunity to be involved in your children’s lives when they were tiny?

Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:47

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 21:46

I have this but with my own mum! She prefers my brother's children has them all the time literally weekly but will never have mine I guess maybe in an emergency she puts constant pics of them on WhatsApp but never any of mine. I'm a single mum and my brother and his partner are very much together so it's hurtful my mum will never help with my children but have theirs constantly I've given up trying. I don't really speak to her now.

Oh god that's awful 😢

I cannot imagine my mum being like this I'd be heartbroken 💔 x

OP posts:
silverspoonsz · 20/05/2023 21:47

Of course grandparents will be closer to the grandchild they see more often - in this case, your SIL's kids visit every day and yours 'barely know' her.

I suspect you don't let your kids visit often. Or you have strange terms for visiting.

Hercisback · 20/05/2023 21:48

What's the situation with SILs DHs parents?

They might be shit grandparents. They might feel closer to SIL so do more for her. They might not think they've done anything wrong if you've got your parents to support and SIL has hers.

Ultimately the outcome is the same whatever the reason. You can only change your reaction to the situation.

Businessflake · 20/05/2023 21:48

She has SILs dc full time free of charge so SIL can work

Do the kids not go to school?

Sissynova · 20/05/2023 21:48

I imagine your DH isn’t as close to his mum as he thinks he has and definitely isn’t as close as his sister is.
It is often the case with men, of course there are exceptions but many just don’t make enough effort compared to female family members.
When does your husband take his mum out for lunch? Pop in for a cup of tea and a chat? If it’s regularly why are you suggesting your kids aren’t that close with their GM? Unless he doesn’t do these things and he doesn’t regularly facilitate a relationship between his mother and his children?

It also sounds like you don’t ask for any help with the children ‘unless in an emergency’ but have harboured resentment for a decade.

Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:49

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2023 21:46

Hard to understand how DH is very close to her but she barely knows his DC. Is his dad around?

They divorced years ago when h was in his teens and h does not have a relationship with him due to him not being a great parent when H was growing up

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:50

Businessflake · 20/05/2023 21:48

She has SILs dc full time free of charge so SIL can work

Do the kids not go to school?

Yes ! But SIL works ft so needs someone to do school runs etc

But she's done it since they were babies

OP posts:
Sissynova · 20/05/2023 21:51

Mariposista · 20/05/2023 21:47

Oh the classic favouring her daughter's kids over her son's. What a shame. So sorry OP. This type of thing still going on in 2023...

Or maybe his sister just makes more of an effort with their mother?
OP states her children ‘barely know’ the grandmother, if that’s the case it is at least 50% her husband’s fault and yet it seems
like the grandmother is being blamed.

GoodChat · 20/05/2023 21:52

Is SIL a single parent?

maryso · 20/05/2023 21:52

If it looks, quacks and walks like a duck...

This is possible problem for your MIL and not you or your children. It may be an inconvenience for you, however you're not responsible for another adult's behaviours and preferences.

Reciprocation is crucial in relationships. So when care giving is needed in decades to come, MIL can rely on her DD who she supported, and not you at all. Likewise your DC and your SIL's DC may reciprocate in the years ahead. Invest in the grandparents who engage and avoid the others. Don't waste head space or form any expectations.

ZekeZeke · 20/05/2023 21:53

anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:44

Yes

Show quote history

Perfectly normal in my experience.
MIL is going to have a stronger relationship with her own daughters children rather than her sons wife's children.

MIL can't seem to win and can't seem to get the balance right with DIL in general. No mater what they do . They are either overbearing or disinterested.

Aspargustips · 20/05/2023 21:54

It’s your husbands problem to deal with if he deems it an issue

mainsfed · 20/05/2023 21:54

Fuck them OP. Make zero effort.

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