MIL completely prefers other GC

[anotherthreadlikethis]

I have 2DC with my H aged 11 and 15

SIL has 3 DC 4, 6, 9

She has SILs dc full time free of charge so SIL can work. Literally enabling her career. H and I have always worked full time working opposing shifts to be around for the DCs.
it was bloody hard when they were young... So it was rough knowing SIL had all the help in the world and could swan off to work knowing dc were sorted

if MIL does help it's only as an emergency and after we've exhausted all other options. SILs kids always come first and if we do ever have to ask it feels like a massive inconvenience for her

She's taken SILs dc away on holiday numerous times and never ours. Visits them all the time and is involved in birthdays etc. I know this as it's all over fb. our lot get a card through the post and a tenner each but no effort.

She barely knows our DCs and they don't know her. DCs no longer want to visit or bother with her on the very rare occasions she graces us with her presence. It's a shame but luckily because of the lack of interest being consistent during their lives they simply do not care. they also have a great relationship with my parents who are very involved and loving. So would be nice to have the same on the other side

But what I just don't get is why ? H won't say anything as doesn't want to rock the boat as he's very close to MIL and won't hear a bad word said. But it pisses me off, these are his children???
I completely get that some grandparents aren't very involved with any of their grandkids and I think that's personal choice and up to them. But this blatant favouritism is hurtful and unfair I think. I just want to understand why.

THIS

I cannot even be arsed to reply to any of the ones justifying it

Oh gosh I have have DS and another on the way. I certainly do not intend not to be close to any grandchildren! Hopefully I'll just continue to be nice and normal and they'll come and see me!

My (late) DMIL was exactly the same. In her case it was a continuation of the way they’d behaved with DH, she’d split with her first husband and remarried when my DH and his sister were very young and went on to have another daughter with her new husband who was the golden child. Her DC subsequently became gold grandchildren.

We lived close by and saw them a couple of times a week but even the DSIL would ring her once or twice during each visit, it felt a bit like a dog guarding its bone. There were so many things they’d do to show favouritism that would really piss me off and they would constantly criticise my DH’s other sister’s DC too, so it wasn’t that they preferred daughters but rather they preferred their own DD.

As my DC got older they used to come and watch them play football most weeks but then the golden nephew took up football and within weeks DFIL was his team manager and they’d stop coming to our DC’s matches because they ‘needed’ to be at every match the golden DN played. At Christmas we’d be told their availability based on whatever DSIL had arranged with the expectation we’d make our arrangements around that but whenever they hosted, DSIL was there too, my DC never got time at their house alone with them.

I seethed about it for years but tried to make light of it to avoid poking DH about it too much as he’d experienced it all growing up himself but it became untenable and we went NC. By then my DC had only limited contact with them and so didn’t really notice.

She died two years ago and my DC attended her funeral but I was saddened she’d lost out on what could’ve been a lovely relationship with my DC if my DMIL had been just a little less fixated on her own DD and her children. I don’t regret going NC though, I wasn’t willing to let my DC think they deserved no more than the scraps of her attention.

My own MIL was like that - she favoured my husband's sister's kids over our own boys. All their lives, she babysat, treated them, took them to places, bought them things, etc. Not our kids. At MIL's funeral (the kids were all adults by then), it became clear to me just how much MIL had done for those kids, when they read out a eulogy, reminisced over all the special times they'd had with her, the meals she'd cooked, the holidays they'd had, days out, etc. My own sons had not experienced or known any of those things.

I've been a very different MIL and granny.

I'm honestly depressed to read how widespread this is

How can someone be so lovely to one set of grandkids and not the other?? It's awful

What's your mother doing for your brother's children and is it equal to how she help you?

@ArcticSkewer

What makes you assume I have a brother ?

And my mum helps me plenty and is a very active hands on grandparent to my dc - that's not the issue. And tbh it is not like we "need" help we have managed between the two of us. We did not have kids to palm them off on gps and i think if you decide to have dc then it's your responsibility to sort childcare for work etc and not assume gps will do it

My issue is I think it's disgusting to actively favour one set of grandkids over the other and I can't believe anyone is justifying it

My dad's mum hates me and loves my brother 🤣 don't know why, always been that way. He's always got birthday cards/Christmas cards and presents etc. And still does at 36! Mine stopped when I was about 12.

It boils my mums piss so I know where you are coming from but honestly I couldn't care less, why would I want a relationship with someone who can be so blatantly horrid? I still have a great relationship with my brother and my mum and dad have distanced themselves from my nan as a result.

My point is, although it's frustrating for you and I get why it probably really doesn't bother your kids, you can't miss what you've never had right?

OP I don't know if you missed my question or don't want to answer it (fair enough) but is SIL a single parent?

You don’t sound like your SIL or your own nieces/nephews very much. Don’t your kids enjoy seeing their cousins or do they just sit there like “spare parts” each time?

And when we do visit both get sick of turning and finding SILs lot round there every time. No offence to them they're sweet kids and my kids like them but they're quite hyper and a handful. So its hard to have a conversation while mil is running around after them plus my kids get ignored in favour of them and end up sitting there like spare parts bored 😔 .

you sound resentful that you and your DH worked full time whilst bringing up your kids, which is what you’d expect any parent to do? It’s your MiLS choice to look after her daughter’s children and there could be more reasons than you know for why she does this. Unless you and your Dh are struggling without additional help, I can’t see what the issue is. Your MIL couldn’t do right for wrong from the sounds of it.

We have this. We have three DC, when the oldest was born the GPs still worked and we lived a couple of hours away so we just got on with our and paid for childcare. A few years later, SIL had a DC but by this time PIL were retired and living closer. We have zero help whereas PIL cover school training days, help with holidays, go to sports days etc for our niece.

I do think it's a combination of us having established a pattern of coping without help, PIL being more comfortable with taking control with their own DD's child and the fact that SIL is quite brazen in asking for childcare in situations that we would feel were cheeky!

Honestly? I assumed you didn't or you wouldn't be confused about this, but plenty of women do have brothers and just seem oblivious that they get much more help than their brothers do with their kids. I always wonder whether they realise their sister in law feels much the same way about their mum (who is great with her kids but more hands off with her sils kids).

Apologies I missed that

No she is not single

Thanks for answering @anotherthreadlikethis. That was the only justification I could think of where this might be acceptable.

Aside from that, it's a really sad situation for your children and DH. I'm sorry.

You can’t control the behaviour of others. I’d let it go. Honestly you’ll be so much happier OP. It’s not worth the frustration of trying to unpick someone’s actions.

I'd echo this. It's often the case with these types that they deliberately make a point of the favouritism game and care not one jot that it's innocent kids who bear the emotional brunt. I'd be willing to stake a hefty bet on this dynamic having translated itself from DH and his sister's own childhoods.

In the very best case scenario she obviously doesn't give a shit and isn't particularly scrupulous about hiding it. In this situation, I wouldn't be in the least concerned about returning the favour.

We reap what you sow. Already your kids are showing signs of nonchalance and seem pretty unbothered by the situation and don't particularly care about visiting. Should MiL ever be in need of something and her Golden Child is somehow and unaccountably unavailable (by no means an unusual circumstance), you'd be well justified in concluding that you owe her nada.

DH can do as he likes. As can you, which includes removing yourself entirely from the situation. Your DC will decide for themselves soon enough.

Same situation here.

SIL got all the help with childcare, school runs, financial help, holidays paid for etc. Whilst we had to manage alone (my parents are sadly not around).

Plus 9 times out of 10 that we visited PIL (they VERY rarely visited us) SIL would drop her kids off, so my DC barely got any 1-on-1 time with their GPs.

Now SIL's DC are at Uni and PIL are calling on her to help them with errands etc and she's trying to share the burden but we no longer have a close relationship with PIL and have got so used to a life without them in, we would struggle to fit them in now.

My PIL want the kids to visit and stay overnight to "entertain them" (PIL live very quiet lives now as they've alienated a lot of friends and family) and my DC don't want to as they barely know them.

I've offered to meet them for lunches etc with the kids, but apparently that's not enough, it's overnights or nothing; 🫤 nothing it is then.

Yep- and this exactly a "reap what you sow" moment. You cannot show no interest whatsoever in GC and then when you need something or the favoured ones arent available, expect them to be visiting weekly, helping you out.

I think people forget that if you are absent from a child's life, when they are grown, they see you as nothing more than essentially a stranger. Relationships take effort on BOTH sides, otherwise they're just parasitic.

In my case I am the stagger I was never the favourite she always gushed over my brothers , now my children are not the favourite either (only grandchildren too) the favourite is brothers girlfriends daughter goes on at length about how marvellous she is when I tell her things about her grandchildren they are out down in favour of the golden one I no longer make any effort with her, it’s her loss x

Daughter not stagger 🤣

I have seen this happen in several families. One of my friends has 2 sisters and 1 of them is the golden child. The golden child has 3 children. Both her and her husband work and live an hour's drive away from her mother.
Over the years anything golden child wanted she got. If she rang and told her mother she needed the kids minded her mother dropped all, drove to her and minded them. Then her mother also had to tell everyone how great these GC are.

Meanwhile my friend lives a few miles away from her mother. She is a sahm with 4 kids. Her husband works long hours. If my friend asked her mother to mind her kids it's normally for a good reason and it never for more than a few hours. Her mother will always try to have an excuse on why she can't do this. Then when she minds the kids it how soon will you be back.
My friend was left to deal with several situations where her mother could have helped out financially or minded the kids for a few hours to give her a break but that help was never given.

Now granny is getting older and has a few health issues. The golden child life has gotten so busy that she only sees her mother on occasion. Meanwhile my friend sister is spending less time with her mother. My friend sister has set up a situation now that means she won't be available for her mother's care or as her taxi service either.
My friend also had several issues over the years with her mother. She won't be available for care either in time.

As a mum of boys this thread is depressing

What's the point of the 'you reap what you sow' attitude though?

As if men were ever the main, or even secondary, carers for their parents.

Caring has always been predominately the woman's role. So in UK culture, translate that to mean the daughter's role (other cultures might bring in a daughter in law at the bottom of the pecking order to do it but UK culture on the whole doesn't expect that)

On an individual level, perhaps that's not true for your own families, but there's no way anyone should be pretending that men are as a group stepping up to do the caring for the elderly in the same way as women.

I do wonder whether how you are seeing the situation is very different to how your MIL/SIL sees it.
You say you and DH managed your own childcare by arranging alternate shifts, you never asked you MIL for childcare, yet you are annoyed not to have it. Then also, your own mother is very hands on with your children, and perhaps your MIL felt sidelined by that, however wrong.
Perhaps to your MIL, you have all of the childcare sorted between you, DH, and your mother. Whereas SIL has asked for her help, and she's willingly given it.
However wrong, I do think it's expected that MIL will feel closer to the grandchildren she sees every day.
You say your DH is close to his mother. I wonder how your relationship was with her when your children were little? My SIL often complains that my mother (her MIL) treats her differently to me (her daughter!), yet when the kids were little my SIL was pretty frosty, clearly not trusting my mum and favouring her own mum.

My mother tried her best to be completely fair. But I was her only daughter, and the relationship she with my daughter was something very special. I know my SIL resented it....