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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL completely prefers other GC

124 replies

anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:37

I have 2DC with my H aged 11 and 15

SIL has 3 DC 4, 6, 9

She has SILs dc full time free of charge so SIL can work. Literally enabling her career. H and I have always worked full time working opposing shifts to be around for the DCs.
it was bloody hard when they were young... So it was rough knowing SIL had all the help in the world and could swan off to work knowing dc were sorted

if MIL does help it's only as an emergency and after we've exhausted all other options. SILs kids always come first and if we do ever have to ask it feels like a massive inconvenience for her

She's taken SILs dc away on holiday numerous times and never ours. Visits them all the time and is involved in birthdays etc. I know this as it's all over fb. our lot get a card through the post and a tenner each but no effort.

She barely knows our DCs and they don't know her. DCs no longer want to visit or bother with her on the very rare occasions she graces us with her presence. It's a shame but luckily because of the lack of interest being consistent during their lives they simply do not care. they also have a great relationship with my parents who are very involved and loving. So would be nice to have the same on the other side

But what I just don't get is why ? H won't say anything as doesn't want to rock the boat as he's very close to MIL and won't hear a bad word said. But it pisses me off, these are his children???
I completely get that some grandparents aren't very involved with any of their grandkids and I think that's personal choice and up to them. But this blatant favouritism is hurtful and unfair I think. I just want to understand why.

OP posts:
CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 21:55

anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:47

Oh god that's awful 😢

I cannot imagine my mum being like this I'd be heartbroken 💔 x

Show quote history

Yep it's horrible, she bought them a £300 play house for the garden for Xmas but got mine bits from the charity shop, people will say I'm being ungrateful and it's the thought that counts but they weren't even thoughtful they were not age appropriate (toddler Fisher price toy for a 5 year old that kind of thing)

LittleOwl153 · 20/05/2023 21:57

I hope noone is forcing your DC to visit? If grandma can't be bothered let them get on with what they want to do with their time out of school!

Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:57

H makes loads of effort actually but it's all very one sided

He calls her a couple of times a week for a chat and tries to arrange visits etc but she is always pre occupied with SIL and the kids. And when we do visit both get sick of turning and finding SILs lot round there every time. No offence to them they're sweet kids and my kids like them but they're quite hyper and a handful. So its hard to have a conversation while mil is running around after them plus my kids get ignored in favour of them and end up sitting there like spare parts bored 😔 .

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 20/05/2023 21:57

Did your mother help you out in a similar way op?

Cashew22 · 20/05/2023 21:58

I wonder whether it has more to do with the relationship she has with her own children more than with her grandchildren. I know you said your husband is close to your MIL, but that doesn't mean she isn't closer to or more involved with your SIL. Or she feels that it's the job of the mum's mum to help her daughter out once children arrive. Honestly, there are so many family dynamics that could be at play here that it's hard to say. Obviously the favouritism isn't great and it makes life difficult for you as you don't have MIL's help, but it sounds as though your children aren't bothered and aren't missing out too much. It's a shame, as you say, but perhaps not something worth losing sleep over.

Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:58

Turning up and finding sils kids *

OP posts:
mainsfed · 20/05/2023 21:58

anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 21:57

H makes loads of effort actually but it's all very one sided

He calls her a couple of times a week for a chat and tries to arrange visits etc but she is always pre occupied with SIL and the kids. And when we do visit both get sick of turning and finding SILs lot round there every time. No offence to them they're sweet kids and my kids like them but they're quite hyper and a handful. So its hard to have a conversation while mil is running around after them plus my kids get ignored in favour of them and end up sitting there like spare parts bored 😔 .

Why put your kids through that?

Just take a step back.

If dh wants to take the kids let him but you stop going.

Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 22:00

TomatoSandwiches · 20/05/2023 21:57

Did your mother help you out in a similar way op?

No we did not ask or expect it plus my parents worked and still do. However my parents did and do have my kids so H and I can go out occasionally but they want to and often ask if they can have them

But Work wise H and I managed on our own by alternating shifts etc

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 22:01

I think what I want to know is what is "wrong" with my DC that their own grandparent does not love them 😞

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 20/05/2023 22:03

She helps her daughter. Your mother helps you.

fjgytuyg · 20/05/2023 22:04

Is your SIL a single parent? Does your MIL find it harder to engage with teenagers? I think some grand parents find little kids easier to entertain inside their house than older ones that you have to take out or make more of an effort with.

Cashew22 · 20/05/2023 22:04

anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 22:01

I think what I want to know is what is "wrong" with my DC that their own grandparent does not love them 😞

Nothing is wrong with them. It probably has less to do with your MIL's feelings towards your children than it does with her relationship with your husband and SIL. Doesn't make it any more fair, but unfortunately it's the way it is.

Pinkea · 20/05/2023 22:05

Perfectly normal in my experience.
MIL is going to have a stronger relationship with her own daughters children rather than her sons wife's children.

What have I just read… son wife’s children? What, do you mean sons children? Fucking hell. What about women who don’t have daughters, do they not get to have relationships with grandchildren as they are their sons wife’s children?!

TheHateIsNotGood · 20/05/2023 22:05

For some reason Mothers of Daughters feel they have an 'over-riding' right to be in control of their GC. Being old enough for being a GP I've seen it time and time again.

The latest is a neighbour who has 2 pregnant daughters - already she's calling the unborn dc "her babies" and converted a room to a 'nursery'.

I just nod politely. I've just got 1 young adult male dc, but if anyone wants to take total charge of him, any future partner and their dc please PM me.

I could do with a break.

thecolourpurple49230 · 20/05/2023 22:14

What do you mean son's wife's children? They are the son's children how is that any different from them being the daughter's children?

ZekeZeke · 20/05/2023 22:15

Pinkea · 20/05/2023 22:05

Perfectly normal in my experience.
MIL is going to have a stronger relationship with her own daughters children rather than her sons wife's children.

What have I just read… son wife’s children? What, do you mean sons children? Fucking hell. What about women who don’t have daughters, do they not get to have relationships with grandchildren as they are their sons wife’s children?!

In my personal experience, mother's have stronger bonds with their daughters and their daughters children. Daughters visit their mother's more often, go out. Lots of mother's do childcare for their daughters more often than they do foe their sons.
And judging from posts on this forum, it's other people's experience too.

I only have sons by the way. Neither are married or have children. But I've a very large extended family, lots of friends...and generally, daughters are closer to their mothers.

Pinkea · 20/05/2023 22:17

Well how sad for your sons when they do have children, considering you don’t even see them as being theirs!

ZekeZeke · 20/05/2023 22:19

Pinkea · 20/05/2023 22:17

Well how sad for your sons when they do have children, considering you don’t even see them as being theirs!

I was trying to distinguish between a daughter and daughter in law ffs.
Everyone picks posts apart of this forum

timetorefresh · 20/05/2023 22:19

My MIL once took my daughter and SIL's son out in her car. We had given her a proper high spec car seat, SIL had given her a booster. MIL put nephew in DDs car seat and DD in the shitty booster. Said it all to me :P

calmandcaffeinated · 20/05/2023 22:22

This must be so hard OP, it's one thing for you and your DH to feel second class, but a whole other thing to see your children being treated that way. I think this is really between your DH and MIL, how does he feel? Perhaps he could raise it with her or ask about things. It sounds very stressful having to look after all of SIL's kids all of the time and is unaware of how it comes across. I would also look closely at the relationship between MIL and DH and MIL and SIL. Could he talk to SIL about it?

Original poster
anotherthreadlikethis · 20/05/2023 22:28

Pinkea · 20/05/2023 22:05

Perfectly normal in my experience.
MIL is going to have a stronger relationship with her own daughters children rather than her sons wife's children.

What have I just read… son wife’s children? What, do you mean sons children? Fucking hell. What about women who don’t have daughters, do they not get to have relationships with grandchildren as they are their sons wife’s children?!

My thoughts exactly what the actual hell 🥴

My children are also my DHs children

Are they somehow lesser as I birthed them ???

OP posts:
Jaberwockky · 20/05/2023 22:28

MIL is like this. I drew the line after we invited her to the sea life centre and she invited her step grandson along (just appeared with him in tow, no warning, expected us to pay) then made a big thing of buying him whatever he wanted in the gift shop. She showed no interest in engaging with DC all day, and not that I wanted her to buy anything, but DS asked why she hadn’t wanted to buy him anything too. She shows up once a year for some performance grandparent photos, posts a picture and a cringy thing on Facebook about what a great grandma she is. She came a few weeks ago, told the kids she was too busy to play with them and sat on the sofa watching quiz shows. I let her crack on. It’s her choice, and it’s quite sad she feels the need to create this false narrative of being an involved grandparent for her Facebook friends.

You can’t control the behaviour of others. I’d let it go. Honestly you’ll be so much happier OP. It’s not worth the frustration of trying to unpick someone’s actions.

Daughtersandbristolian · 20/05/2023 22:29

It’s the same for us @anotherthreadlikethisy husbands brother is the eldest and has a daughter ( the first grandchild) and it’s favouritism at its finest - when my first child was born she actually said to me now I have a fave grandchild and so does you your grandad or something fucked up like that !!! It’s been same over all the years having her stay in secret, buying her loads of clothes, stuff and backhanders over the years and asking when she’s going to see her, my children can go months without her even asking how they are: when we are all together it’s like night and day and the worst of it all is she doesn’t give a shit.

mummabubs · 20/05/2023 22:35

Very similar scenario at our end. I feel you. I do think my MiL cares about our kids, but as they all get older the preference for SiL's children is becoming more and more obvious. Like yours, my kids are close to my parents and will still feel loved, so I don't worry at this stage too much. I'm more concerned for when they start to (inevitably) notice the difference as they get older.

GreenestValley · 20/05/2023 22:36

No one has asked about proximity… do you all live the same distance from each other?

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