MIL completely prefers other GC

[anotherthreadlikethis]

I have 2DC with my H aged 11 and 15

SIL has 3 DC 4, 6, 9

She has SILs dc full time free of charge so SIL can work. Literally enabling her career. H and I have always worked full time working opposing shifts to be around for the DCs.
it was bloody hard when they were young... So it was rough knowing SIL had all the help in the world and could swan off to work knowing dc were sorted

if MIL does help it's only as an emergency and after we've exhausted all other options. SILs kids always come first and if we do ever have to ask it feels like a massive inconvenience for her

She's taken SILs dc away on holiday numerous times and never ours. Visits them all the time and is involved in birthdays etc. I know this as it's all over fb. our lot get a card through the post and a tenner each but no effort.

She barely knows our DCs and they don't know her. DCs no longer want to visit or bother with her on the very rare occasions she graces us with her presence. It's a shame but luckily because of the lack of interest being consistent during their lives they simply do not care. they also have a great relationship with my parents who are very involved and loving. So would be nice to have the same on the other side

But what I just don't get is why ? H won't say anything as doesn't want to rock the boat as he's very close to MIL and won't hear a bad word said. But it pisses me off, these are his children???
I completely get that some grandparents aren't very involved with any of their grandkids and I think that's personal choice and up to them. But this blatant favouritism is hurtful and unfair I think. I just want to understand why.

It is nothing to do with SIL being a daughter. My brother was always the golden child and my mother spent all the time with his kids. My children are now grown up and have their own young children. Guess who are the favourite great grandchildren? But my children and I just laugh about it now. My mum now finds it hard to get out and guess who doesn’t visit? What goes around comes around!

MIL has SIL’s DC full time. I’m assuming she has them 5 times a week? Do you/DH take your DC to see their grandmother when the other DC are not there? Surely your DC are in school Mon - Fri?

How far away from MIL does SIL live?

Try reading all the OPs posts (See All at the bottom of any of her posts), her post at 21:57 should help you

I had this scenario when mine were little.
I don't go out of my way for mil and never put expectations on my now adult dc to do things for her.
When SIL mentions that mil would like more help / visits / shopping done I will help if I am available but absolutely will not prioritise mil above other plans. Also I say that dc just don't really know her that well as she wasn't available much when they were younger, so I say it's good that SIL children know their Nan so well and can help her now she's older.

It seems grandmother has her 3 DGC constantly. The poor woman must be exhausted! Shame on her daughter.

From the never ending posts about grandmothers on MN it seems once you become a GM your life ends. From now on your life has to revolve around your grandchildren - regardless of how many there are

Might be an idea to talk to sil’s DP and make a joke that it seems your mil has the kids so often, when do his parents get a look in & see what they say. Your mil is definitely too invested in sil’s kids.

Hmmm. I think that often when women have children they grow closer to their mum. Often they go on maternity leave and the transition to becoming a mum is challenging. It's common for new mums to become more interested in their mum's. This can grow a close relationship.

You are closer to your parents. Your SIL is close to her parents.
I wonder if this is the key dynamic.

Not the your kids are less popular because of anything they or your have done.

Could you talk to her? Maybe suggest they could have some 1:1 time to get to know each other

It is disappointing when that happens OP but it happened to me, my siblings and cousins too. My grandmother had two sons and then a daughter and her daughters two were always more important than us five that her sons fathered. Grandmother even openly said to one of my fathers cousins that at least she did it the right way. My mum had two daughters and then a son but even if child number 3 had been a girl my parents would have stopped as 3 is what they could afford. What annoyed my mum most was as if she had any choice in what children she had or the order she had us in.

My grandmother would openly give her daughters two children more presents than either of her sons five children. Granny would also regularly look after her daughter’s children even though one of her sons lived in the same village/town as her. None of her sons five children helped when she got older as she hadn’t cared when we were younger. She was my only grandmother and yet my mother’s father who had been a single parent and lived 400 miles away made more of an effort.

Sadly we've the same thing in our family. PIL just simply not interested in our kids but all over SIL's, helping with school runs, holidays and taking them out all the time. Ours are 18 and nearly 15 now (SIL's 5 and 2) but even before they came along PIL weren't bothered. Used to feel upset about their lack of interest, and since SIL's kids came along ours might as well be invisible. DP spoke to them about it a number of times over the years, and they promised they'd make more effort, but didn't of course.

Kids are past caring about it now, have no relationship with PILs and if its any consolation are happy they feel no obligation to them or that they'll have to visit them in their care homes in the future. 😂

If your own mother isn't helping much, that's not your mil's fault. I expect your brothers kids probably get more help from his mil than your mum as well.

Most UK culture is that mothers, not mil, help daughters.

Ask your mum to help more if you need it.

Its clear from the OPs posts that she barely knows them because she shows zero interest in them! She wont babysit or come and spend time with them. Thats on HER not the OP. Its clearly been her decision to spend time with one set of GC and no the other. I had a grandmother like that and barely knew her because she showed zero interest in me. My other nan was very interested in my life and so we became very close. It was nothing to do with my parents behaviour- they constantly tried to make the effort, my grandmother simply wasnt interested- you reap what you sow I'm afraid.

It's very simple.

Women often put a lot more time and effort into the relationships with their mums whereas many men don't bother. Women usually put a lot more time and effort into caring for their children whereas many men have nominal interest.

Is it any surprise that women have a closer relationship with the daughter's children?

I was a grandchild of a grandparent who did exactly the same thing.

I hated them for it.

I went to the pub with my aunt when I was about 18, we went back to hers and this grandparent was babysitting her kid, my cousin.
And my grandparent said "is this the other babysitter?"

No, in your fucking granddaughter and you would know that if you had seen me in the last 15 years.
They saw my cousins weekly.

We all loved 20 mins from one another.

It fucking sucked.

Same here.PIL called SIL DC 'ours'. They favour SIL too though over DH so no surprise.

I’m afraid I’m that “other” grandchild, @anotherthreadlikethis, but not on purpose. My parents and much older siblings worked, so my grandparents kept me. I spent 3 solid months with them every year for 11 years. In the beginning when I was little, I thought I was being punished because I couldn’t be with my family. My older siblings resented me because they thought I had it easy - I was 5.
My cousins were never around, and when they were, they were loud and rowdy and in the cupboards and fridge and slamming doors and my grandparents were just put off by them - although to their credit they never said that. My grandparents didn’t say anything when the rowdy cousins appeared.
In the end, I was the only grandchild who ever visited, who ever spent any time with my grandparents as they grew older - and even though they were always happy to see me, I know they wanted to see the other 5 grandkids too. Even the rowdy kids.
My mum was a good daughter, I think more out of duty than anything else, but I truly loved them. I visited often.
OTOH - my other grandmother was pretty bad. She played favorites and was intentionally mean. I grew up instinctively knowing to avoid her. She died alone. I don’t miss her. I miss my grandparents desperately. Always will.
Your kids will learn who loves them and who doesn’t, too - all on their own. They’ll know whom to avoid. They’ll know whom to love.
I hope this helps. Much love.

It's a cultural thing really, because Asian families traditionally work the other way round where the sons and their children are prioritised. I haven't noticed the sons making too much effort with their mums, or more than in white British families anyway, so I'd assume just a cultural preference for the male rather than female line, and we have the opposite.

How can people have lived all their life in a culture and not have noticed that the culture is for mothers to be closer to daughters and their families? So many of you here acting all surprised. You have your own mothers - they are the ones expected in most UK culture to be more interested in your kids. If they aren't then that's not your mil's fault.

Do you live a lot further away? MIL sees a lot more of our kids than DH's brother's and it's mostly down to Geography.

We have the same situation. MIL completely obsessed with SIL children and ignores ours.
The result has been ours now avoid her. ( oldest now a teen)
Also on a positive we have no debt for childcare with her so will not be doing elder care, that falls completely to SIL.
You have to take the positive spin somewhere I afraid.

I have this. My son was first gc, my mum was very ill and died when he was 2, my dad is very elderly and needs support. I assumed ils would have a big role and was surprised when they initiated us visiting them every month. (Live 45 min away) but assumed they were not hands on gp. But when dn was born it all changed they say her every day (10 min drive away) lots of childcare /involvement. When my mum was dying and I needed emergency childcare pil complained about needing to cancel his volunteer role (he's retired) to help. A role he quit months later when sil needed childcare on that day. We had no childcare so had to pay and eventually I gave up work. Sil has her parents, bils parents and bils two sisters who both are adults with no kids. I do not understand why they wouldn't support us more. But equally accept they are closer to sil and bil. Also annoying when we visit sil n bil are always there too. It's nice to see them but sometimes it would be nice for our son to have time with gps without dn there.

This is why. My mum thinks she has a better relationship with my children than MIL because she’s the maternal grandma. She thinks “A son is a son until finds a wife. A daughters a daughter all of her life.” is gospel.

From what you've described, she isn't going to change her ways meaningfully or genuinely if your dh raises it with her.
My main priority would be to make sure the kids don't feel they are lesser or not deserving of love. Focus on all the good relationships, such as your parents etc and obv make no further effort with mil.
It has nothing to do with you or your children. She made a choice based on her own feelings or whatever. Don't waste your energy trying to change her.

Unless you don't have your own mum, I think it's normal that a grandmother would spend more time with daughter's kids than son's. She's likely closer to her daughter when it comes to child related issues, as she'll have supported her through pregnancy and been involved fay to day. Also less chance do of conflict than with DIL

My in laws always favoured my SILs children (ie her daughters children). Even their iPad passwords were the name's of SILs kids.

it's not my "uk culture" nor anyone else's i know. my mum passed away when i was 20 so should i not have kids because i will be without help or will be condemning kids to having a poor to none relationship with their grandmother and all they will know is taking second place to cousins with no one putting them first. what an awful mentality.

the number of people on this thread who think it's normal/ok to favour daughter's children is really sad. it's not ok. the comment that GC are son's wife's children basically sums up this backwards thinking. there will never be equality with so many women peddling this sexist rubbish. they are all your children and all your grandchildren. this same thinking leads mothers cutting off paternal grandparents if they split up with the father. that's also not ok but reading this thread I'm starting to think it might be understandable in many situations.