MIL completely prefers other GC

[anotherthreadlikethis]

I have 2DC with my H aged 11 and 15

SIL has 3 DC 4, 6, 9

She has SILs dc full time free of charge so SIL can work. Literally enabling her career. H and I have always worked full time working opposing shifts to be around for the DCs.
it was bloody hard when they were young... So it was rough knowing SIL had all the help in the world and could swan off to work knowing dc were sorted

if MIL does help it's only as an emergency and after we've exhausted all other options. SILs kids always come first and if we do ever have to ask it feels like a massive inconvenience for her

She's taken SILs dc away on holiday numerous times and never ours. Visits them all the time and is involved in birthdays etc. I know this as it's all over fb. our lot get a card through the post and a tenner each but no effort.

She barely knows our DCs and they don't know her. DCs no longer want to visit or bother with her on the very rare occasions she graces us with her presence. It's a shame but luckily because of the lack of interest being consistent during their lives they simply do not care. they also have a great relationship with my parents who are very involved and loving. So would be nice to have the same on the other side

But what I just don't get is why ? H won't say anything as doesn't want to rock the boat as he's very close to MIL and won't hear a bad word said. But it pisses me off, these are his children???
I completely get that some grandparents aren't very involved with any of their grandkids and I think that's personal choice and up to them. But this blatant favouritism is hurtful and unfair I think. I just want to understand why.

I have exactly the same situation..

Mil favours sil’s children (mainly her daughter) who are a very similar age to mine. My children resent her for it as she always talks about dniece and how amazing she is and can do everything better than them (although in reality this really isn’t the case). Initially it broke my heart, now I just think it’s her loss..

Are you sure it's not a case of your DH has always felt second best so is scared to rock the boat because he feels insecure with his mum? Would explain why she favours her daughter's children

I'm closer with my sister than my brother and by extension, I see her children more and have a "closer" relationship with them but I would never treat my nieces and nephews any different. I love them all the same and make sure they know it. I wouldn't do for one that I wouldnt do for another.

It's really sad to see so many posters falling over themselves to excuse obvious preferential treatment of grandkids just because a daughter birthed them. Like its somehow ok and her kids dont need to be loved equally by thier paternal GM because op has her own mom to do that 🤨

I'd want nothing more to do with someone who would treat my children this way. Nasty woman.

"It's really sad to see so many posters falling over themselves to excuse obvious preferential treatment of grandkids just because a daughter birthed them. " I'm not excusing it- and neither did my mother. She bent over backwards to try not to let it show. But it was an undeniable fact that she had a closer bond with my children than my brothers. In the same way my MIL has a closer bond with my sil's children than mine.

My MIL was the same....she never bothered with our two (first two grandchildren).We just accepted that she would never be a hands on grandma,then SIL had kids 4 years later.
When we went round there would be gifts piled on the chair and she would show us what she had bought for her other grandchildren.

I left one day and told my OH that me and the kids would not be visiting again.
If she came to us she would be made very welcome etc but there would be no effort from me.

My OH totally agreed with me but didnt want to speak to his mam about it.
He did decide to stop rushing over because he was the first person she called when she needed a job doing....sorry mam I am too busy .

What's SIL's relationship with HER in-laws like? Are they very involved and hands on grandparents with her kids?

Actually I wouldn't bother. Every time she answers a question which isn't just one of the PPs cheering her on she puts a bit more unlikely information in there to strengthen her AIBU

Don't worry, mothers of boys can still be awful too. They can be like my MIL and just pick their favourite son and lavish all their time money and attention on him and his children, and ignore their other (much nicer) son and his family completely.

It doesn't have to be gender based.

You can only proceed to act kindly to MIL and be a fine example to your children.
There is no benefit in treating her badly.
Your husband and you have been unfairly treated, it's true.
I sense there is a special closeness between MIL and her daughter.

Soon your children can visit Granny alone and take her out to coffee and develop a new adult relationship which MIL might actually find a refreshing break to all the babysitting.

Mainly it’s not about childcare.It’s not about “you reap what you sow”.
It’s about creating a bond with a child of your child whatever the sex it.

Some people have zero interest and are emotionally unavailable to some children while giving everything to the chosen,favourite one.
How is that not supposed to be hurtful? Knowing that you and your children mean less despite having the same parent?It’s like emotional inheritance,one gets all of it and the other one nothing? How fair is that?

All healthy relationships are two way street.
Grandparent who has had zero input in creating a relationship with their grandchild shouldn’t complain later in life that said grandchild is not interested in grandparent as they are virtually a stranger albeit related.

All children and grandchildren should be loved and cherished,whatever sex they or their parents are.

OP 💐 we are NC with PIL exactly for this reason. I’m hearing on the grapevine they are frail and needing a bit of help. They never had time for our family.

"Swans off to work" that's not nice.

Where are your parents in this?

@shammalammadingdong very true! Looks like we've had similar experiences

It's sad when they so obviously favour some grandchildren.

I'm one of 22 cousins on my dad's side and dad's mother, my only surviving grandparent, indifferent to me at best. I was very polite and well behaved. My cousin who was the same age as me was a total shit and she openly doted on him. Likewise with my eldest sister (also a tricky child I'm told): Granny had her to stay when my mum was in hospital having baby no.2. She don't want to give her back and asked if she could adopt her! Maybe she preferred the "spirited" ones.

Nearly 50 years on and it still rankles.

Exactly

Exactly what? How does helping your daughter mean having no relationship with your sons children and no interest in them?

You're going to have to explain how that makes any sense at all.

LOL. Be kind to her even though she has completely ignored and neglected your children.

Soon they can visit her and take her out for coffee? Why would they ever want to do that? They barely know the woman!

Are you insane with this?

Oh come off it, what a self pitying post. Of course there's nothing wrong with them, and why would you think she doesn't 'love' them, do you always have this victim mentality?

This sort of thing happened with my two sisters, my eldest one was a SAHM and my mum was never asked to look after them, she was kept at arms length quite a lot when they were very young. As they got to toddlers my mum used to take them places, see them once a week and do things with them all the time, but it was always with all of them together and my sister would want to talk to my mum during those times so my mum never really got a look in to entertain the kids or play with them on their own, it just wasn't their dynamic. In comparison when my other sisters child came along a few years later that sis worked full time so my mum would have him a couple of times a week on her own, they did have a very close bond because of the relationship they'd formed, but she didn't treat him any differently, but they did spend more time together because that is what was asked of her, she was very much included in their day to day lives. The problem was my oldest sister helped breed this resentment that 'grandma likes their cousin more' till they believed it themselves, when really it wasn't the case at all, they just had a different kind of relationship/dynamic because she was asked to do more active grandparenting with that one.

If you never needed or wanted active grandparenting from you MIL, as you mostly relied on your side of the family, it's no surprise she has a different relationship now with your children then she does with your SIL, and she's not as open to being called upon 'as a last resort', it may well be that she feels second fiddle, where as with her daughter she's very much first.

It's no-ones fault really, but it happens a lot in families, the good thing is your children have that, but they have it from your side of the family, I'm sure they prefer your mum and dad to your MIL and there's nothing wrong with that. If it really bothers you this much you should talk to your MIL and at least make her aware of how you feel, it baffles me when people feel a certain way and just silently resent the situation for years without ever discussing any of it.

But for what it's worth, once the kids are older, getting on for teens, you may find that even the closest of relationships starts to diminish, they have more friends and independence and no longer want to be around the old people out of choice!

I love how someone up thread is implying l am lying 😆 I bloody wish I was !

I've not engaged with every poster and so what ?? Is there a special Mumsnet rule that requires each and every comment to be replied individually to? I've missed the memo if so

I've tried to answer any relevant questions but if I've missed some then sorry ! And some posts I've just not engaged with as I've got nothing to say to as I can't believe some (very few) posters find it okay

Seen it happen often enough. Kids aren't as bothered as their mothers appear to be by mil lack of attention in the early years.

Of course they aren't. But when the lack of attention keeps goinf past the early years, they notice. They likley don't care much, but they are hardly going to decide as adults that they are going to start taking out the granny who never gave them the time of day , are they?

My DC certainly don't. They don't seem to care that their paternal GP hardly ever bothered with them, but neither would it ever occur to them to seek out their company now. Why would it?

Im so sorry op, its awful. My dm is similar.

My dB has two children both girls. Before I had my children my mum openly said that she loved the eldest more, although never said it to my dB or dn's. She had also declared to my mil that she loved my dB more than me one night when she was drunk infront of me, dh, fil, my dgm and my dgf. I was so upset.

We are now non contact with her. Towards the end of us cutting ties both my children had birthdays - she sent them a card. The month after she took dn to Greece for a holiday. My eldest is bright, he saw the posts on Facebook and made the decision he didn't want znything to do with her any more. My youngest has various disabilities and doesn't understand, we'd just taken the LA to tribunal over his ehcp, she never helped in anyway apart from to tell us it wasn't worth it and not worth the money.

You get out what you put in. My dB can do all the help when she's old- he won't.

It’snot about “you reap what you sow”.

Because humans are what we are, we tend to get out of our relationships what we put in. This relates to non-romantic relationships, it has to be stressed, as entirely different parameters apply to these.

My sibling and I had a wonderfully close relationship with my maternal grandparents, with whom we spent a lot of weekends, and who made our childhoods far richer, happier and more meaningful than they otherwise would have been. I supported my maternal grandparents through everything that came to them in their later years, which became even more essential given my mother tragically died young and both her parents outlived her.

My father visited his parents most Sundays when we were young, and my mother often asked him to take us with him so as to nurture those relationships too. No one, including my father, was interesting. They wanted to go and sink a few pints in my grandparents' local pub, and not one of them wanted grandkids around cramping their style.

Paternal grandparents were alright. I quite liked them. But I barely knew them and felt no real affection to them beyond that.

When we were teenagers and had our own lives and friends, our father used to rail at us - really yell and tell us we were utterly worthless - because now we had access to our own transport and independence we weren't spending our weekends visiting and doing the shopping for our increasingly ailing grandparents. Why would we? We didn't even know them.

That's the way it works, I'm afraid.

Similar situation for the 20yr marriage I had with my ex. MIL did nothing to support her grandchildren going through the worst trauma of their lives. Constant contact with XSILs chn though.

I'm sorry you're going through this @anotherthreadlikethis . It kills, doesn't it?

OP I know this must be very hard on you and your children. This used to upset me but now I am older it doesn’t. I think you can just make sure that you treat your children and grandchild all the same. This is what I have done.