Son's Behaviour - do we need help?

[Doublebubblegum]

My 7 yo has always been 'spirited'. Very sure of his own opinion, prone to tantrums, etc.

In recent weeks however his behaviour has taken a turn for the worse. He's absolutely fine at school, no issues with his behaviour at all. But at home he is completely incapable of regulating his own emotions.

A simple request to do something (ie, please go upstairs and brush your teeth as it's nearly bedtime) can result in total defiance, which ends up with shouting/screaming from him. He gets so angry, so quickly. He is so full of rage - red faced, crying, unable to talk sensibly. Whenever he eventually calms down, he is full of regret, saying sorry and telling us he gets so angry but doesn't know how to calm down.

We've been dealing with this by talking about how he can try and stop getting so angry and he comes up with his own ideas (ie if I start to feel angry I'll ask you for a cuddle) but in the heat of the moment this never actually works. Ie when I can see him getting worked up ill ask if he wants a cuddle, but he'll push me away and say no.

When he is calm, we will also give him consequences to his behaviour. We will try to talk about what prompted it, and explain that there's nothing wrong with feeling sad/angry, but it's not OK to shout and scream so we will remove screen time, or something else like that, for a period of time after.

We've been at the park today. At the kiosk at the park, he wanted a cheese sandwich for lunch. The cheese sandwich came with butter on (which is how he normally has his sandwich). He decided he wanted a cheese sandwich without butter, when I explained he had to eat what we had been given it prompted an hour long meltdown, with him shouting and crying. We left the park when I realised he wouldn't calm down, and cried the whole way home. In the middle of the meltdown, he was saying how much he hates himself, how much everyone else hates him, how his behaviour is so bad. I just said that we all love him but we don't like the way he is acting right now.

AIBU for thinking this behaviour isn't 'normal' run of the mill 7yo behaviour? What do I do?

It's making my daughter (10) miserable as she's sad when he acts like this. I feel like me and DH have no idea what we are doing and whether this is normal or a sign that we need help.

I don’t think it’s totally abnormal. My ds is like this - people are always really shocked because he’s a dream at school but very much struggles to regulate his emotions at other times.

He’s 10 now and so much better - mainly because he can articulate his way around his emotions so much more, but 7 was probably the peak of it. Anecdotally, when I talk to other people lots of them talk about similar behaviour in their boys.

We use a lot of strategies from How to talk so kids will listen, and he really got a lot from the Inner Chimp workbook too. Philippa Perry’s book is a pretty interesting read as well.

All of that, along with holding firm, clear boundaries and lots of patience seem to be steering us on a better path. You sound like you have some good strategies in place already - baby steps and keep going, I hope you are able to find more ways to help him soon and navigate this for all of you.

Thank you. That's comforting to hear. I'm just feeling a little deflated and worried right now. My MIL is with us this weekend and witnessed my sons behaviour today, she took DH to the side after to say that this isn't normal and we should video him next time so we can speak to a doctor about it ☹️

Hugh

My ds is 7 and exactly the same. Took him to play therapy and got a lot of advice on how to help him, nothing has helped yet but I have heard from friends etc of their kids aged 7-9 who are exactly the same.

I think it could be a sign of something. The fact that he only behaves like this with you might suggest this. He is managing to regulate at school. If it was just how he is I would have expected school to see some of this behaviour. At the same age we took my son to the GP and we were referred to a service which helped. I can't remember now but I think we had intervention from a nurse and or it might have been an occupational therapist.

My ds was like this and has calmed down now. If you’re concerned then speak to teacher or SENCo at school. They might be able to help. And books recommended above are good.

It's not normal but I wouldn't say totally unusual either. My son had an issue with sensory regulation and OT helped, your sons triggers seem different. It's like he is working really hard to keep it together in school and it builds up and explodes at home. I would consider talking to GP to point you to the right services but don't be too worried, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong just that he needs a little help right now.

Your MIL is right .

It’s worth bearing in mind boys have a testosterone surge somewhere between 7 and 9. One of mine became a very angry little boy, the other prone to tears. It settled down.

Also try deep pressure to calm him when he is upset, if its too late to avoid the meltdown. Its recommended for kids with sensory issues but also any child who has lost control of emotions. Basically just give him a very strong deep hug and hold it, really strong like you feel it's too hard. Ppl can be judgemental and think you are rewarding a naughty child with affection but it's not like that at all. Also don't talk during the hug. If it helps and you feel there is a sensory element, things like weighted blankets in the car or deep hand squeezes in new settings can help. OT would really help with this.

It's not a criticism because I think you're doing as well as I would do and my eldest is only 3 so not much experience but from what you've written about what he says, I sense he's feeling shame about getting angry?

Maybe the emphasis needs to be less on "getting so angry" and more on what to do and how to behave when you feel as angry as that.

Being angry should be a perfectly valid feeling but it's the way it's expressed that needs tackled.

And Try not to compare your daughter's behaviour to his. I am 4 years older than my brother and distinctly remember him being told "we were having a lovely day and now you've ruined it. Look your sister has been so well behaved" it didn't help either of us!

Yes @LaMaG that's what I try to do - but he pushes me away and sometimes makes him worse.

My DD14 started doing this the same age. She was masking, turns out she has ADD and ASD. Not saying your DS is, it's more common for girls to be diagnosed later than boys it's just something to consider.

is he being bullied at school?

And just to add sometimes the long hug works but sometimes she doesn't want to be touched. I'll often just do the it's ok, it's ok it's okaayyy.

No. I'm as certain as I can be that he isn't. He goes to a small ish village school and has quite a close group of friends. He is very happy at school.

Is he able to behave himself at school?

No, they don't. Testosterone levels in boys don't start to increase until puberty.

OP, what's he like in other areas of his development/life? Does he have steady friendships, does he enjoy school, is he able to effectively communicate his thoughts/emotions/wants, is he usually pretty chilled, etc? Also what's he like in terms of sensory input?

If you're concerned about his development then don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks, seek professional advice. This could be the school SENCo, the school nursing team or your GP.

Yes. He's never had a meltdown/tantrum at school. He does as he's told, engages in learning, is keen to do well, and is kind to other children, according to his teacher.

Hi,
First if all, I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
Secondly, I can empathise as my son used to be an absolute nightmare. I’m a single Mum and have been since the day I found out I was pregnant, his Dad never bothered about him.

Anyway, my son is 8 now.
My son has been through trauma due to witnessing DV when he was small, however, I knew that there was something else as he used to just have such massive meltdowns and at one point I would flinch when he would raise his hand as I thought I was going to get hit.

I remember at 5 years old I told him that he couldn’t watch any more cartoons, he had a compact mirror in his hand and he smacked me in the eye with it and I ended up with a black eye.

I ended up telling my GP about it as I had kept it hidden for a long time as I didn’t want people to think badly of him.
He would also be agressive at school, I mean really agressive.

Anyway, my son has always been impulsive from an early age and I had raised concerns that he potentially had a neuro diversity issue, my GP agreed with me but the CAHMS here tried saying that I was the problem.

Anyway, in the end I pushed to get him assessed by an independent psychologist and they agreed he had ADHD as well as ODD with autistic traits.

My sons behaviour at home actually improved considerably before CAHMS got a new doctor to assess him who agreed and officially diagnosed him with ADHD.

Sadly, my son was told he had to move from mainstream to a school for children with mental health issues and neuro diversity.

Sorry to ramble it’s just so you are aware of the things he did so you can see that you aren’t alone.

Do you see signs of ADHD? Does he have a short attention span? Is he impulsive?
Its worth talking to your doctor to see if he could be assessed for any neuro diversity issues.

I was informed recently by a psychologist from Oxford University Hospital that around 6/7 a child goes through a major transition of the brain and it can often present with sudden behaviours such as these, it’s because the brain suddenly accelerates.

This would make sense as to why it’s suddenly showing up.
The reason school probably see less of it is more likely because they have a very rigid timetable and more structure than a home environment.

Try and make sure you keep to the same routine each day, bath, bed story ect. (Sorry, I don’t mean to sound like I’m telling you to suck
eggs)

I’m adding a link which explains a bit more about the accelerated brain development below.

I know it’s really hard and I really feel for you. Always here if you want to talk.

Take care

Brain

I remember all mine being similar at that age. I think it's an age thing!

Being fine at school can be him masking his sensory difficulties. My daughter is like this was diagnosed autistic at 8.

School said she was a model if anxious pupil.

Look up autism and masking

Definitely video him we did witj our daughter it helped get the diagnosis

Emotional dysregulation can be a sign of neurodiversity =- it doesn't have to present itself in school - neurodiversity like inattentive ADHD (busy brain rather than busy body) can be masked in primary school.
But I also think its likely at his age he is starting to get more testosterone?
I think you are on the right path - but sit him down and ask him to identify what are the signs he is getting emotional ie does his voice raise? Doe he get a funny feeling in his chest? that develop a system to reduce this stress before he loses it. Good advice I got in a parenting course is mimic the behaviour but in a positive way - like if he wants to shout - encourage him to sing. If he is rushing around - encourage him to run or get one of those tiny indoor single person trampoline's and encourage him to jump. See you are noticing him about to shout - and offering him a cuddle - he wants to get his emotions out not suppressed - so suggest to him he he jumps on the trampoline or starts to sing. Or try breaking into a funny dance and encouraging him to join in. His emotions want to be physical - help him to positive physical things that match those emotions...than offer a cuddle.

It’s very common around 6/7 as the brain’s development suddenly accelerates at this age which can cause a sudden change in behaviours which can be really volatile.

I went through hell for a while with my son but he has improved significantly now. He also has ADHD. It’s so stressful.