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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's Behaviour - do we need help?

122 replies

Doublebubblegum · 20/05/2023 15:25

My 7 yo has always been 'spirited'. Very sure of his own opinion, prone to tantrums, etc.

In recent weeks however his behaviour has taken a turn for the worse. He's absolutely fine at school, no issues with his behaviour at all. But at home he is completely incapable of regulating his own emotions.

A simple request to do something (ie, please go upstairs and brush your teeth as it's nearly bedtime) can result in total defiance, which ends up with shouting/screaming from him. He gets so angry, so quickly. He is so full of rage - red faced, crying, unable to talk sensibly. Whenever he eventually calms down, he is full of regret, saying sorry and telling us he gets so angry but doesn't know how to calm down.

We've been dealing with this by talking about how he can try and stop getting so angry and he comes up with his own ideas (ie if I start to feel angry I'll ask you for a cuddle) but in the heat of the moment this never actually works. Ie when I can see him getting worked up ill ask if he wants a cuddle, but he'll push me away and say no.

When he is calm, we will also give him consequences to his behaviour. We will try to talk about what prompted it, and explain that there's nothing wrong with feeling sad/angry, but it's not OK to shout and scream so we will remove screen time, or something else like that, for a period of time after.

We've been at the park today. At the kiosk at the park, he wanted a cheese sandwich for lunch. The cheese sandwich came with butter on (which is how he normally has his sandwich). He decided he wanted a cheese sandwich without butter, when I explained he had to eat what we had been given it prompted an hour long meltdown, with him shouting and crying. We left the park when I realised he wouldn't calm down, and cried the whole way home. In the middle of the meltdown, he was saying how much he hates himself, how much everyone else hates him, how his behaviour is so bad. I just said that we all love him but we don't like the way he is acting right now.

AIBU for thinking this behaviour isn't 'normal' run of the mill 7yo behaviour? What do I do?

It's making my daughter (10) miserable as she's sad when he acts like this. I feel like me and DH have no idea what we are doing and whether this is normal or a sign that we need help.

OP posts:
GozerTheGozerian · 20/05/2023 22:43

Elvis1956 · 20/05/2023 22:36

Christ is it I (he asks in his best Bristol accent). He's naughty, disruptive, manipulative and you ask what "punishment" he wants. You need to be a parent not his friend. This is what you are having for lunch. If you don't eat it you go hungry. He's old enough to understand consequences. And if he cries all the way home...so what.
it's a shit world out there you need to start building resilience

If someone is neurodivergent, this is extremely damaging advice.

FarmersWife3 · 20/05/2023 22:50

OMG, you could be describing my DS! They sound identical, and I've been mulling over asking for help for some time. We asked the SENCO at school, and he had some basic 1-2-1 sessions at school but this didn't help as he wouldn't/couldn't engage with it. My DS is now 9, and I'm now likely to call GP for advice this week, but I'm not hopeful, as mental health services are almost non-existent!

AlwaysAuntie · 20/05/2023 22:53

It could be that he holds all his emotions in at school, but when he's at home he's in a safe area with you where he feels he can let go. The tantrums might not be about the specific thing, it could be that he argued with a friend at school. It could be that he's going through a development stage.

Maybe have a chat with the pastoral teacher at his school, they might be able to give you some ideas on what might be happening. The teacher at DN's school is brilliant, we've mentioned about some issues and they've taken him into their room to do some "fun learning" and found out what was going on in his head.

Hbradley · 20/05/2023 22:54

@GozerTheGozerian out of interest have you tried meds with your son? I’m interested as I’m wondering if anything could help my son or whether it’s only our response that can help. It’s so hard to get it right.

GozerTheGozerian · 20/05/2023 23:25

Hbradley · 20/05/2023 22:54

@GozerTheGozerian out of interest have you tried meds with your son? I’m interested as I’m wondering if anything could help my son or whether it’s only our response that can help. It’s so hard to get it right.

Yes he is on medication now. He still has the occasional emotional meltdown but it is so much better now and I am so glad we’ve gone down the medication route as it’s made a huge difference in his concentration at school.

But it’s equal parts how we are responding to him I think, as well as him learning coping strategies, and it’s bloody hard not to lose your rag sometimes. I always say that his fight or flight response is all fight…

Tigofigo · 20/05/2023 23:35

If it's a very recent thing and he

Tigofigo · 20/05/2023 23:36

If it's a very recent thing and he is in y2 I wonder if it could be connected to SATS?

My y2 child has been very out of sorts this week especially but the SATS "warm up" has been since before Easter.

PixieLaLa · 20/05/2023 23:51

No doesn’t sound ‘normal’ sounds like your child is ND and needs support

Shiningstar80 · 21/05/2023 00:04

Elvis1956 · 20/05/2023 22:36

Christ is it I (he asks in his best Bristol accent). He's naughty, disruptive, manipulative and you ask what "punishment" he wants. You need to be a parent not his friend. This is what you are having for lunch. If you don't eat it you go hungry. He's old enough to understand consequences. And if he cries all the way home...so what.
it's a shit world out there you need to start building resilience

You are completely wrong! Children who are possibly neuro divergente are not naughty, disruptive or manipulative!!
They met are not been ´bad’ or a ´brat’, sometimes even overstimulation could cause the outburst.
Clearly you don’t understand how neuro diversity works.

70sDuvet · 21/05/2023 01:28

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 could you expand on your comment about tantrums lasting more than 20mins being a red flag for another condition?

I have a young family member who I adore but who has had nearly all of the issues mentioned above. Unfortunately their parent's are not in a mental state to care/put routine into place for them. They are now in secondary school and have a private diagnosis of ADHD but I see no improvement in their behaviour.

I see them regularly, it's many many outbursts of extreme anger lasting hours at times. Followed by regret and apologies. But they are like a ticking bomb...at times the regretful tears aren't even dry before another tantrum appears and they are genuinely scary and also heartbreaking to watch.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 21/05/2023 05:57

70sDuvet · 21/05/2023 01:28

@Princessconsuelabananahammock9 could you expand on your comment about tantrums lasting more than 20mins being a red flag for another condition?

I have a young family member who I adore but who has had nearly all of the issues mentioned above. Unfortunately their parent's are not in a mental state to care/put routine into place for them. They are now in secondary school and have a private diagnosis of ADHD but I see no improvement in their behaviour.

I see them regularly, it's many many outbursts of extreme anger lasting hours at times. Followed by regret and apologies. But they are like a ticking bomb...at times the regretful tears aren't even dry before another tantrum appears and they are genuinely scary and also heartbreaking to watch.

I don't know much more but I've been told kids should be able to regulate in that time period.

Meltdowns are exhausting and take lots of energy. 20 minutes is a very long time to sustain.

slore · 21/05/2023 08:40

LaMaG · 20/05/2023 16:02

Also try deep pressure to calm him when he is upset, if its too late to avoid the meltdown. Its recommended for kids with sensory issues but also any child who has lost control of emotions. Basically just give him a very strong deep hug and hold it, really strong like you feel it's too hard. Ppl can be judgemental and think you are rewarding a naughty child with affection but it's not like that at all. Also don't talk during the hug. If it helps and you feel there is a sensory element, things like weighted blankets in the car or deep hand squeezes in new settings can help. OT would really help with this.

No, it is not recommended for any child, especially not with sensory issues - that can go either way. Be careful what you advise. This form of restraint disguised as a hug is completely damaging for some children.

LaMaG · 21/05/2023 09:46

slore · 21/05/2023 08:40

No, it is not recommended for any child, especially not with sensory issues - that can go either way. Be careful what you advise. This form of restraint disguised as a hug is completely damaging for some children.

Show quote history

Oh interesting... I'm going on advice I got. In what circumstances is it damaging? Do you mean a child with an aversion to touch? Or is there specific conditions or circumstances where it should be avoided.

CabernetSauvignon · 21/05/2023 10:48

It sounds like classic demand avoidance. Masking it in school is an extremely common feature. I suggest you ask your GP for a referral to CAMHS as soon as possible.

Itwasnaeme · 21/05/2023 11:05

OP I'm finding the book "10 days to a less defiant child" really helpful. I suspect my dc has ODD (definitely has ADHD) but the book is really aimed at any child exhibiting very defiant behaviours.

Itwasnaeme · 21/05/2023 11:05

I'm not very clear on the differences between ODD and PDA

Original poster
Doublebubblegum · 21/05/2023 19:32

Thanks for the various book recommendations. I read the Explosive Child a while ago but found it quite difficult to put into practice. I think I just struggle to know what to do when we are right in the heat of the moment.

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/05/2023 20:40

I think I just struggle to know what to do when we are right in the heat of the moment.

You can't really do "Explosive Child" in the heat of the moment, and there may not be anything that works to stop a tantrum once it has started. It's more about identifying trigger points and planning out how to manage them differently so there's less friction.

And what you actually did - taking him home for as long as it took to calm himself down in a quiet safe private place - is fine.

ADHDDDDDDDBOOM · 22/05/2023 07:47

Itwasnaeme · 21/05/2023 11:05

OP I'm finding the book "10 days to a less defiant child" really helpful. I suspect my dc has ODD (definitely has ADHD) but the book is really aimed at any child exhibiting very defiant behaviours.

I read this book recently and it was absolutely fucking awful.

The examples he gave with unreal.

There was one where the daughter came out with dirty jeans, and instead of getting into a power battle (which I agree, it absolutely is a power battle!) the mother instead said "that's a shame, you look so much prettier in clean trousers." And just like that the daughter went off and changed her trousers. Then later did the washing up without being asked.

And alllllll the other examples are in the same vein. Load of bollocks.

Itwasnaeme · 22/05/2023 10:36

Well it wasn't a load of bollocks for me, and has improved things at home by about 50% - mostly due to me managing not to shout or get drawn in to the rows! But yes, not every example will be relatable.

poppet131 · 25/08/2025 12:28

@Doublebubblegum Did you find strategies that worked for your son? Did you end up seeking help or did he grow out of this behaviour? X

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