Son's Behaviour - do we need help?

[Doublebubblegum]

My 7 yo has always been 'spirited'. Very sure of his own opinion, prone to tantrums, etc.

In recent weeks however his behaviour has taken a turn for the worse. He's absolutely fine at school, no issues with his behaviour at all. But at home he is completely incapable of regulating his own emotions.

A simple request to do something (ie, please go upstairs and brush your teeth as it's nearly bedtime) can result in total defiance, which ends up with shouting/screaming from him. He gets so angry, so quickly. He is so full of rage - red faced, crying, unable to talk sensibly. Whenever he eventually calms down, he is full of regret, saying sorry and telling us he gets so angry but doesn't know how to calm down.

We've been dealing with this by talking about how he can try and stop getting so angry and he comes up with his own ideas (ie if I start to feel angry I'll ask you for a cuddle) but in the heat of the moment this never actually works. Ie when I can see him getting worked up ill ask if he wants a cuddle, but he'll push me away and say no.

When he is calm, we will also give him consequences to his behaviour. We will try to talk about what prompted it, and explain that there's nothing wrong with feeling sad/angry, but it's not OK to shout and scream so we will remove screen time, or something else like that, for a period of time after.

We've been at the park today. At the kiosk at the park, he wanted a cheese sandwich for lunch. The cheese sandwich came with butter on (which is how he normally has his sandwich). He decided he wanted a cheese sandwich without butter, when I explained he had to eat what we had been given it prompted an hour long meltdown, with him shouting and crying. We left the park when I realised he wouldn't calm down, and cried the whole way home. In the middle of the meltdown, he was saying how much he hates himself, how much everyone else hates him, how his behaviour is so bad. I just said that we all love him but we don't like the way he is acting right now.

AIBU for thinking this behaviour isn't 'normal' run of the mill 7yo behaviour? What do I do?

It's making my daughter (10) miserable as she's sad when he acts like this. I feel like me and DH have no idea what we are doing and whether this is normal or a sign that we need help.

I just posted the same thing about ADHD as my son was diagnosed with this as his behaviours were so bad I even got a black eye once.
However, a psychologist from Oxford University was explaining to me that around 6/7 the brain development suddenly accelerates and it can cause extremely volatile behaviours. Thankfully not every child would become agressive ect but he said every child goes through it.
I find it so fascinating.

Maybe take a look at this.

I had it when people on here say "maybe ADHD, PDA, ASD?"

But on the other hand I really wish someone had shown me a parent SNAP years earlier, and we wouldn't be in the mess we are currently in.

The increase in testosterone at this age is a myth of part of the "that's why boys are hard-work/aggressive/hyper" rhetoric.

There is a surge of testosterone during pregnancy to help the fetus form it's testicles/penis, there is another surge post-birth which is why newborn genitalia can look swollen, then it does not increase again until puberty which for boys does not start until age 10-12 at the earliest (before this is precocious puberty which needs to be investigated as it can be a sign of other problems).

Adrenarche occurs at around age 6-7 as secretions from the adrenal glands increase but this does not increase testosterone levels and does not affect behaviour.

Sorry that's a bit blurry because I took a screenshot.

Just Google parent snap

Something I heard was that boys get big testosterone rushes at certain ages, and this can make them temporarily full of rage. My (always laid back, easy going) boy had a patch of rage at a similar age. It could well pass. Good luck x

Okay. I have a similar child. Because he can behave himself at school i am told that he can’t have ADHD as he wouldn’t be able to regulate in that way. So anyone qualified I’ve ever asked for advice tells me he is NT.

My way of parenting has evolved to be completely calm in the face of a meltdown as if I get angry the whole thing goes nuclear. So I maintain the boundary even if he loses his mind and I’m clear that there will be consequences for the damage if things are thrown - which they often are.

As time has passed he knows where we are heading if he starts down a bad road. I’ll often say to him ‘we’re heading down a bad road’ and that can sometimes head it off. Things that are triggering are tiredness, screens during the week, routine change. We try to stay very consistent. We never man handle him
anywhere so those that talk about time outs, they never worked for us. I refuse to put my hands on him when he’s raging.

Things are improving. He will still have massive tantrums but they aren’t as often and him thumping me seems to have lessened. As has him throwing things. I think as he matures he is more able to self regulate.

Hey,

i thought this years back but apparently testosterone surge doesn’t happen. I once asked a health visitor as I wondered this with my son, she said yes but then when I spoke to a Psychologist from Oxford university, he said that it’s a myth and it’s due to sudden accelerated brain development around 6/7.
My son went through a really difficult time and I was so worried but he has now started to mellow out, he also has ADHD, ODD and autistic traits.
I used to be so scared of him and even got a black eye one day.

You could explore the zones of regulation with him?

My 8 YO DD struggles in and out of school so we (school and home) both use zones of regulation. No zone is bad and we discuss lots of ideas together for what she can do when in each zone. It takes lots of practice and naming the emotion from us adults but it is starting to become a tool she uses independently

My now 12 year d has always been like this although it’s improving now (not gone away though)

she was assessed and it all seems to stem from a combination of perfectionism, anxiety and sensory processing disorder. She goes from 0 to 60 in seconds as the moment she explodes all we can do is leave her to come out the other side as she just can’t hear or retain any outside information when she is exploding. It’s really hard. We just ask her to go to her room and let it play out. Our job is to stay calm (easier said than done). She’s always very remorseful. We’ve made a “den” under her mid sleeper with a weighted blanket and she uses that space to calm down. She’s fine at school.

youre not alone OP. I totally get how challenging this behaviour is. It’s no fun being a verbal punching bag.

Most of the behaviours sound normal (though difficult!) from the little I know about 6-8 year-old boys. That said, what stood out to me in what you wrote was: “In the middle of the meltdown, he was saying how much he hates himself, how much everyone else hates him, how his behaviour is so bad.”

Saying he hates himself feels like a potential red flag to me. I think it could be good to get him seen by a child psychologist for a few sessions. If nothing else, it can help him learn a few more coping mechanisms.

I seem to remember reading somewhere that a boy's brain goes through significant changes at age 7. My children are much older now but I can recall similar behaviour although perhaps less frequently. One thing I once noticed was that during the long school holidays he wasn't like it, it was almost as though the constant school routine was a bit overwhelming and although he behaved really well at school he let it out at home instead. He doesn't have any issues now, it was more of a passing thing.

My 7 year old son is similar. His temper is out of this world. We're continuing to work on it with him. His sister went through a really stroppy phase at this age too. She was much easier to reason with and learnt she couldn't be arsed with the consequences very quickly. My son is way louder and more emotionally unstable right now. It sounds like you're taking the right approach though, so I'd wait it out for now personally.

My health visitor told me they did (the boys were acting up when she visited and I had a new baby. I didn’t have a reason to doubt her.

My daughter is a little like this, she’s nearly 8. We definitely notice that there are triggers, like if she’s tired, overwhelmed by noise, etc. It mostly happens at home but occasionally in public. She’ll get so worked up and then end up in a bit of a cycle of feeling bad about the way she’s acted.

If you’re worried I would speak to the SENCO at school, they might have suggestions. I know at our school the SENCO isn’t just there to support kids with a diagnosis so they might be able to help a bit.

i would honestly reconsider the punishment aspect/consequences. He clearly can’t help it and feels ashamed of it. Tbh I would try adding more flexibility, for example, give a 5 minute warning. “Ok, it’ll be time to do your teeth in 5 mins”. I let my kids negotiate too, sometimes I’ll give them 5 mins and they’ll ask for 10. I say yes and they stick to the deal.

Have you heard of the coke bottle effect? Holding it all in at school can mean it’s extra extreme when it finally bubbles over.

I think you should seek help from the school SENCO, ask them to monitor his behaviours at school. Whilst he may not have meltdowns, there could be other signs that he needs support.

Also, look up the Incredible 5 Point Scale. This aims to help children to identify when their difficult emotion is arising, and come up with tools to diffuse. Takes a lot of support/modelling/mentoring but it’s a really useful tool in aiding with emotional dysregulation.

Sending hugs xx

Our DD is almost 5 and we are sort of seeing the reverse - at home she’ll start to get annoyed but then will regulate herself pretty well. At school she seems to escalate roughly once every 2 weeks to throwing something (like crayons). 2x behavioral psychologists + 2x pediatricians have said it’s completely normal but her school is treating it as if she’s completely out of control. Not UK so are in the process of getting a full behavioral evaluation. Initially it hasn’t found anything, but I think going through the complete process will give me some peace of mind that it’s just age related.

We’ve found 123 Magic to be really helpful - it was recommended by the behavioralist and is apparently very evidenced based. DD has always been good at taking herself off somewhere to calm down but would get pretty wound up, but since starting it, she has been able to stop her meltdown by 2 (you count to 3 slowly). She’s also started doing things more like saying “I am so mad at you for xxx” or even “I hate it when you do xxx.” Some of it isn’t super nice - like we now have some name calling but I think it’s actually progress from when she was 3 and would just scream.

the other part of the book I found super helpful was around testing and manipulation, some of what was identified as anxiety (she would say “nobody likes me, you hate me because you won’t do xxx” was coming out as her being very sad etc, but the behavioralist pointed out it was only happening when she wasn’t getting what she wanted and it WAS getting a big reaction from us, anxiously trying to reassure her. The book outlines different types of testing and manipulation, a lot of which seemed so obvious once it was pointed out, but we were definitely getting sucked in to them. I wonder if your son is doing the same with saying he hates himself etc - it’s SO distressing to hear as a parent but if it’s just happening around not getting his way, it may be related to testing.

Also, second the coke bottle! DD had a new babysitter a few weeks ago and was SO POLITE all day (I was WFH but could hear some) and literally as soon as the babysitter left, str completely imploded! We often find if she’s had a hard day at school, she’s completely fine at home too.

Hey there,

Did you see my reply to the OP? Between the ages of 6/7 there is sudden acceleration of brain development with children.
This can cause a sudden deterioration in behaviours, a lot will improve but some can deteriorate.
I was explained this by a psychologist from Oxford University as we were discussing my son.
Also, it could be neuro diversity. My son has ADHD, ODD with autistic traits and before medication he was a nightmare sometimes.
Maybe ask your doctor for your child to be assessed by CAHMS?

My son has developmental trauma and ADHD. I was told meltdowns longer than 20 minutes are red flags for other issues.

I don’t understand why but even some of my Mum friends think this and that there is a surge at 7??
I know that there is an acceleration in brain development which can cause negative behaviour at age 6/7.
My son has ADHD, ODD and autistic traits and he was diagnosed at 5. However, he was assessed recently for something else and that’s when I found out about the brain development, had no idea before. I find it all so interesting. It’s amazing how the brain can cause different behaviours

Yeah my son has ADHD, ODD and autistic traits and even back at age 3 he was showing signs that something else was going on. I kept getting fobbed off by the health visitor and then I finally got him diagnosed.
My son did go through a lot of trauma due to DV when he was younger.
He has really improved though now

I find brains fascinating. One common organ but with infinite variations on behavioural output.

That maybe the case but maybe her MIL should be more mindful of the way she communicates things

Sorry just to add something. It could also be that he is displaying these behaviours at home as he feels safe at home.
I know it doesn’t seem very comforting when it’s happening