Why are so many women afraid of being alone

[Japanesejazz]

So many threads of
aibu
should I leave
is this a red flag
he’s only hit me once
he doesn’t like my child etc
he doesn’t have any contact with his children
his ex is nuts
hes moved in my house because his ex took everything in the divorce

Can you give us some of your thoughts first OP?

What are 2 reasons why you think this might be?

People are scared of being alone because it's so socially enforced that coupling-up is the right thing to do.

People on their own must be lonely. Or weird. Or have something wrong with them. Or be unable to 'get' a partner because they're not attractive enough.

Several reasons.

life is very expensive and it is bloody hard work to keep up a reasonable standard of living on your own.

Absolutely everything falls to you which is overwhelming and exhausting.

It can be very lonely not having a life partner and somebody to share the mundane with.

You options become limited the older you get and especially if you have children.

I think ultimately people get so dragged down by these things they start accepting so much less than they should, sometimes out of desperation.

Shocking, I’m the only one in my friend circle still single (after divorce) 10 years later.
it’s a shame society is set up for two incomes, if rent was cheaper I think more people would stay single.

Money really.

If women had equal pay, equal access to jobs and pensions, this would be less of an issue. The twatty men could be consigned to being sperm donors.

God, I love being on my own.
it’s just, as others have said, so damn hard, especially for a woman - it’s not that long ago that we weren’t even allowed to have credit cards, without some man signing off for us.

it’s utterly barbaric, how we’ve been conditioned to be in marriage because we can bear children… and I hope we are progressing to a time when women stop feeling that pressure.

I think things are getting better.

my Mum had to marry, it was expected.
I am glad she did, but also - grateful my parents haven’t pushed that on me, after my attempts ended in abusive disaster.

I’d love to see young girls more free, as they’re growing up, to make choices in the future.

Much more to do with money and labour, as you surely know

It's not really that hard to imagine, if you have a think, OP.

God, I love being on my own.

my attempts ended in abusive disaster.

@barmycatmum I'm with you on that one.

I know having brought up DS on my own, after abuse from his dad, I dread to think how he would have turned out if he'd grown up in that kind of environment.

It sure wasn't a walk in the park being a solo parent but it was the only right way.
He's a well-rounded adult now. YEA!!

Of course I've had relationships since..... but my bullshit radar is very high now.
I've also perfected the art of travelling by myself. It's amazing!

As a mother of two DC with SN, bringing them up alone has taken all of my energy and time - not that I begrudge them anything! - and it's more work and worry than any other occupation I can think of.

I actually think it's part of being a social species - humans need time with other humans.

And nowadays we don't live in big, multigenerational tribes, so as you get older if you want constant company you really need to be in a couple, or live with a friend long term (which is very rare and most don't). Getting a partner is the easiest option

Just over 3 weeks ago, my husband and I parted. He'd been having an emotional affair and I kicked him out. I have been distraught and tbh I really think I've had a breakdown and my mum and sister agree, I've been a wreck. I've spent hours on Mumsnet banging on about it. I have been petrified of being alone. I have thought of everything I'd miss, the impromptu days out, the concerts, the company etc etc.

Today I've had a break through and it consisted of finding out husband is considering moving in with his new girlfriend (I'm assuming they've moved to a sexual affair now). He's told the kids this is to keep housing costs down. My immediate thought was how sad that all sounds. He's using her for cheap accommodation and she's asked him to move in within 2 months of their first texts. They both just sound pathetic and desperate. It's hardly some great love affair is it? They may stay together but I just think it sounds all a bit sordid. I have been thinking about what I want from my life and I have some wonderful things planned and I'll survive on my own, quite happily. My dc are older now but both still at home and they're fabulous company. I definitely win!

You have no clue how being in an abusive relationship affects you. The abuser systematically robs a person of their confidence, self-esteem and their financial situation. Before coming on here judging others, @Japanesejazz you need to educate yourself.

Why? I'm almost 64 and have lived alone for all but around 15 years of my adult life. I've never been a high earner, but have managed just fine financially. I do get that it's harder when you have children, but once again, many manage it, and not just the wealthy.

I don't ever want to live with anyone again - well, not until I need to be in a rest home - and love living alone.

What I find harder to understand is women having multiple children with totally unsuitable men.

Yes, this rings true for me.

I spent quite a while wondering what I was doing wrong, ending up in and out of fleeting relationships - fleeting because even though when alone I felt I was somehow lacking, I still wasn't willing to put up with as much bullshit as many - and even then I look back and think I put up with too much, I know I definitely did in one relationship that was abusive - but I put up with it because I was already convinced that I was somehow a defective human, which of course plays right into an abusers hands when it comes to blaming the victim for 'making' them do it.

Never ever stopped to ask if I was happy being single, I genuinely think it was 75% feeling like I was an unattractive failure of a woman because no one wanted me, rather than actually being unhappy in myself at being single.

I've realised that actually, I'm happy single and I don't want to change that. I'm not saying never, I'm open to the possibility of someone coming along and changing my mind - but it's not the be all and end all. I still get the "Aww, there's someone out there for you" head tilt sympathy from some - there might be, but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

I like my life the way it is, someone's either going to have to slot right in, or for any compromise I make on that not be a sacrifice or feel like I'm losing something I think.

Getting tied up in relationships when we are too young, innocent/naive.

The parlarva and messiness of divorce.

Not wanting to tear shit up for your children, especially when young children are involved.

Being ground down by the patriarchy and conformity/social pressures.

And money. Because access to money equals options and doing what you want to do, when you want to do it.

Threads like these often cause me to think about the time I bought a second-hand car in my 20’s from an independent dealership 20 years ago. I initially visited the car dealership alone and then returned alone to pay for and collect the car. The car dealership owner was an older man. Old enough to be my Father. He asked me if I was sure my bloke had given me the okay to buy my own car. I looked at him like he was crazy and laughed.

I think if you are in a marriage or long-term relationship that's not really making you happy but isn't abusive and no one's been unfaithful, it can be very difficult to weigh up the pluses and minuses of staying vs leaving, particularly if you have kids. It can feel like, better the devil you know, compared with the uncertainty of what life alone will be like. I see a lot of threads like that on here, along the lines of 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' or whatever that book is. I found the book rubbish btw but I read thread after thread on here when I was in that position and even started a couple of my own. I got to a tipping point eventually but it took courage and some concerted effort to sort out the practicalities, which is not possible for everyone. I've been on my own for 6 months now after 20+ years and 3 kids, and can honestly say it's one of the best decisions I ever made, so if anyone clicked on the thread because they're in the same place of indecision I was in 3 or 4 years ago, I would tell them to embrace it. You would not seriously consider leaving unless it was going to be the right thing to do eventually imo. Honestly, I love it on my own. I do what I want and I don't give a fuck.

I left my first husband after ten years of marriage. He was all I had known since i moved from belfast to canada. I married him at 20 yrs old. at thirty when i left in the night to a refuge with my daughter.. I was TERRIFIED as I had never been alone and was so used to being controlled that i did not know how to just be ME. I met my husband now. I have been married to him for 20 years this september and I am no longer afraid of being alone. I know the only thing that will put me in that position is his death. I also know that I have now had great love and if for some horrible reason I lose him, he has built me up as a strong woman and I CAN do it alone.

Living completely alone for 2-5 years is the best gift a young woman could ever give herself. It gives her such a huge power for the rest of her life, knowing she can survive going it alone.

I know it Is extremely difficult with rents and costs of living though.

I think some people need drama, I think a lot of people that have lots of dramas themselves can't really cope with out it also invest in other people lives and dramas

Through an organisation I'm involved with, I know a lot of older women whose husbands have died and they're scared to be on their own. But actually, after a few months, they realise they're happy only looking after and pleasing themselves and they have a good social life. Not that they don't miss their husbands, but being alone is not the scary, lonely state they'd thought it would be. (Covid aside.)

I think its an interesting topic, actually. I'm glad the op posed the question.

this Sounds just so goading.

I’ve always done alright so I don’t get why anyone struggles even though I’ve never had children.

im curious to know how well you’d manage if you did have children and or would be financially screwed by a break up?

also many women meet men who for a great many years are suitable and then the relationship breaks down for individual reasons, a lot of which would be unforeseen. Nobody enters a relationship hoping they have kids together and then it fails miserably. So judgemental.

Age old evolved fear

Finances

Stigma