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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are so many women afraid of being alone

124 replies

Japanesejazz · 20/05/2023 00:47

So many threads of
aibu
should I leave
is this a red flag
he’s only hit me once
he doesn’t like my child etc
he doesn’t have any contact with his children
his ex is nuts
hes moved in my house because his ex took everything in the divorce

OP posts:
ThisIsaNiceDress · 20/05/2023 14:34

Mumuser124 · 20/05/2023 00:54

Several reasons.

life is very expensive and it is bloody hard work to keep up a reasonable standard of living on your own.

Absolutely everything falls to you which is overwhelming and exhausting.

It can be very lonely not having a life partner and somebody to share the mundane with.

You options become limited the older you get and especially if you have children.

I think ultimately people get so dragged down by these things they start accepting so much less than they should, sometimes out of desperation.

This

Hbh17 · 20/05/2023 14:50

Partly, social conditioning.
Partly, they mistake "being alone" for "being lonely".
Partly, an inability to be happy with just their own company, which is so sad.

discan · 20/05/2023 14:56

For me it's because I need support. I'm happy in my own company but without another adult here I can't maintain a reasonable standard of living. I think for a lot of disabled people being alone is a genuine fear.

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 14:59

Because being alone is difficult? I didn't get the choice as ex left me but I wouldn't have left him. I'm now a single mum can't work because kids with disabilities I'm looked down on and seen as scum because of this

RocketIceLollie · 21/05/2023 01:15

Always comes back to traditional roles. The man provides to the nest. That being the female pay inequality and missing out on pension entitlement when taking time out to be mum, etc, woman still need men to provide, and even more so today if woman have a perfect social media lifestyle influenced level that woman want to aspire to. Nice house, holiday's, etc. More often than not woman get those with a successful man.

Gowlett · 21/05/2023 01:59

Don’t know... Before I got married (40) people (men) would marvel that a nice girl like me could be single. I was nice looking as well. And I had loads of boyfriends. Just nothing serious. It was bloody annoying. I never thought of my self as single. I was just a person.

i don’t think of myself as a wife now either. Just a person who is married. If I happen to not be married in future, then I can’t see myself getting shacked up again. Freedom is more important to me.

AllIeveknewonlyou · 21/05/2023 02:03

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 14:59

Because being alone is difficult? I didn't get the choice as ex left me but I wouldn't have left him. I'm now a single mum can't work because kids with disabilities I'm looked down on and seen as scum because of this

😞 not many people would think that of you and if they do they're not worth bothering about.

JandalsAlways · 21/05/2023 03:59

NuffSaidSam · 20/05/2023 00:50

People are scared of being alone because it's so socially enforced that coupling-up is the right thing to do.

People on their own must be lonely. Or weird. Or have something wrong with them. Or be unable to 'get' a partner because they're not attractive enough.

This. Most people think they have to be with someone and if they aren't they're a loser. Then when you're older and wiser and realise that's not true, usually it's more for financial reasons. It's very expensive being single.

DepartureLounge · 21/05/2023 10:21

Thepeopleversuswork · 20/05/2023 13:53

They are indeed, and this reflects the fact that overwhelmingly marriage suits men's needs far better than it suits women's. Aside from the financial protection, marriage is a pretty shit deal for most women in most marriages, particularly if their husbands are cheats.

But you have to experience that first hand to realise it, no one ever tells you this and the penny doesn't usually drop until you're married and stuck.

It's no accident in my view that there's this huge propaganda push that starts almost at birth to persuade women that marriage is the thing they most want in the world (the Disney Princess syndrome, the teen magazines and over-focus on boys who aren't worthy of girls, the rush to find someone to marry you, the hysteria over weddings). All of this is designed to persuade turkeys to vote for Christmas.

When they actually get married the gap between expectation and reality sets in but it's too late. Marriage is the most over-rated thing in our society, as far as women are concerned.

Show quote history

I agree with this 100%.

There are lots of great posts on this thread. Makes me wish MN had a 'like' feature.

Dweetfidilove · 21/05/2023 11:48

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 14:59

Because being alone is difficult? I didn't get the choice as ex left me but I wouldn't have left him. I'm now a single mum can't work because kids with disabilities I'm looked down on and seen as scum because of this

I'm sorry you're made to feel like this.
Sending you some love and solidarity.
Your children appreciate you 💐

Dweetfidilove · 21/05/2023 11:49

Lots of good great and very honest posts on this thread.

FabFitFifties · 21/05/2023 11:55

As an older woman, I can truly say, if anything happens to my DP, I would not even remotely consider having another. I see so many older women restricted by their either controlling or just boring/stuck in a rut husbands. Some make the best of it holidaying and socialising with friends(good for them if they can) but even so, what's the point?

lap90 · 21/05/2023 11:57

Low self esteem

MovieQueen12 · 21/05/2023 12:01

Try being a single woman at nearly 40.
The stigma is awful. People say they don't judge those of a certain age who aren't in a relationship but they really do...I hate that people pity me. Yet at the same time, I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it or because society says it is normal.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 21/05/2023 12:17

Probably because being single and childless is considered a fate worse than death, unless you’re a man in which case it’s the stuff of dreams.

I’m well-suited for it and don’t mind it so much, other than two things: the constant judgement/pity, and the fact that it’s incredibly expensive (and you’re rarely entitled to help because politicians don’t care about you).

Divorcedalongtime · 21/05/2023 12:41

MovieQueen12 · 21/05/2023 12:01

Try being a single woman at nearly 40.
The stigma is awful. People say they don't judge those of a certain age who aren't in a relationship but they really do...I hate that people pity me. Yet at the same time, I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it or because society says it is normal.

I’ve been a single woman since just before 40 and have just turned 50 , I’ve never felt judged… I do feel left out of social couples things yea but I’ve long since stopped caring about this.

MovieQueen12 · 21/05/2023 18:36

You are lucky not to be judged and pitied.

SandLResources · 21/05/2023 19:22

MovieQueen12 · 21/05/2023 12:01

Try being a single woman at nearly 40.
The stigma is awful. People say they don't judge those of a certain age who aren't in a relationship but they really do...I hate that people pity me. Yet at the same time, I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it or because society says it is normal.

Judged by whom? I'm not much older than you and I haven't experienced any judgement at all. Having said that you can only feel what you allow yourself to and if so if anyone did happen to have a negative opinion about my choice not to saddle myself to a bloke all I would feel is a mild sense of bemusement that they care so much about someone else's life!

YouAreNotBatman · 21/05/2023 19:40

fitzwilliamdarcy · 21/05/2023 12:17

Probably because being single and childless is considered a fate worse than death, unless you’re a man in which case it’s the stuff of dreams.

I’m well-suited for it and don’t mind it so much, other than two things: the constant judgement/pity, and the fact that it’s incredibly expensive (and you’re rarely entitled to help because politicians don’t care about you).

Yep, this.

I’ve been ’single’ (I don’t like the word and it has too much negative connotation) all my life and people really treat you like there’s something wrong with you.
Add to that being childfree, as a woman, you truly have no worth in this society.

Years and years of: ”why haven’t you met anyone yet, you must be lonely, don’t you want company, that and this guy would like to have a gf, selfish, lower your standards, are you a lesbian, you’ll die alone” shit is endless and some women really do think you’re after their men.

I can totally understand why people would date just to stop the alienation.
And money.
I can see why women, and men too, would choose the easy life.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 21/05/2023 19:44

@YouAreNotBatman I actually am a lesbian so I started answering that one with “yes”. It shuts them up! 😂

SilentParrot · 21/05/2023 19:53

MovieQueen12 · 21/05/2023 12:01

Try being a single woman at nearly 40.
The stigma is awful. People say they don't judge those of a certain age who aren't in a relationship but they really do...I hate that people pity me. Yet at the same time, I don't want to be in a relationship just for the sake of it or because society says it is normal.

I'm pretty observant and I've never felt any of this judgement aimed at me, single woman in her forties. In fact, the 40s is a time where a lot of marriages are feeling strain (young kids, ageing parents etc.) and I see a lot of my friends marriages not in their best place and a sense that, not want to ditch their partners, but they feel a bit overwhelmed by it all and are very open about marriage not being all it's cracked up to be.

SilentParrot · 21/05/2023 19:56

But I think finances are the biggie. Our capitalist society is designed in such a way that once you get hitched and throw your lot in with someone, unless you're wealthy it can be very difficult to retain a decent standard of living post split.

Yetisrus · 21/05/2023 20:55

YouAreNotBatman · 21/05/2023 19:40

Yep, this.

I’ve been ’single’ (I don’t like the word and it has too much negative connotation) all my life and people really treat you like there’s something wrong with you.
Add to that being childfree, as a woman, you truly have no worth in this society.

Years and years of: ”why haven’t you met anyone yet, you must be lonely, don’t you want company, that and this guy would like to have a gf, selfish, lower your standards, are you a lesbian, you’ll die alone” shit is endless and some women really do think you’re after their men.

I can totally understand why people would date just to stop the alienation.
And money.
I can see why women, and men too, would choose the easy life.

Show quote history

I have 2 aunts who are single, they've all had partners at some point but now in their 70s they are happily single and have been for decades. No one would dare judge them or pity them. They aren't some timid old lady and were never some timid woman who needed a man's support to get by in life.

Their sister has someone she been with for years but in her words they don't live together as that way she doesn't have to put up with his snoring. All 3 of them don't have children.

I look up to them as they are strong, independent,successful, intelligent women who take no shit and don't need men in their lives. If I can be half as strong as them in my 70s then I'll be winning.

YouAreNotBatman · 21/05/2023 21:26

No one would dare judge them or pity them. They aren't some timid old lady and were never some timid woman who needed a man's support to get by in life.

It’s not about being ’timid’, some people are just close-minded and well, assholes.
I’m obviously not timid or need man’s help or whatever, but people do judge.
That’s their problem, but we (the single women) should be allowed to talk about the stigma that still, even now, persist.
No need to minimize lives experiences of other people.

NorthStarRising · 21/05/2023 21:55

No idea. The only people who could answer your question honestly are those in that situation, and you’ve already judged them. So unless someone’s feeling like a scrap, you may not get responses from them.