Why are so many women afraid of being alone

[Japanesejazz]

So many threads of
aibu
should I leave
is this a red flag
he’s only hit me once
he doesn’t like my child etc
he doesn’t have any contact with his children
his ex is nuts
hes moved in my house because his ex took everything in the divorce

In what way have I judged them?
I asked a question
judge not, lest ye be judged
But while women continue to post these threads, if we don’t get to the root cause of why women will stay with these men rather than be alone
men will continue to be abusive
My post was not primarily aimed at women in long term relationships with children, but thank you for your input
I feel for all of you who feel trapped by financial constraints and hopefully better days are coming
For those few very insulting posters (seems every thread attracts them now)
I was married for 20 years to a man with bi-polar, when he was manic he spent every penny we had, when he was down he would often beat me, when he was himself he was the most amazing person, my soulmate
I loved him dearly
After the penultimate time of him stopping taking his meds which resulted in a fractured arm for me and his disappearance for 2 weeks, I gave him the if you ever stop taking your meds again I will divorce you
18 months later, he stopped taking his meds, got on a plane to the Far East and while he was away I changed the locks and started divorce proceedings
was I afraid. yes I was terrified
Was I afraid of being alone, no, because in reality, I had been alone for at least half of my marriage
To all who have posted to say, don’t be afraid to be alone, I salute you

You've said it yourself. The reason is because people are afraid to be alone. The fear might be financial, it might be companionship, it might be the unknown. It might be for the kids. It might just be that for them the other option appears worse. I don't think anyone that was confident, financially secure, had a lot of support and was self sufficient would ever stay in a bad relationship. Actually make that just confident.

I've been single since my early 40s, twenty years ago, and have never felt judged, pitied, or been aware of any stigma. I didn't get married until I was 30, and the same applied.

I’ve been ’single’ (I don’t like the word and it has too much negative connotation) all my life and people really treat you like there’s something wrong with you.
Add to that being childfree, as a woman, you truly have no worth in this society.

Once again, I have never been treated as if there is something wrong with me, and certainly not as though I have no worth in this society.

I have lived alone for most of my adult life on a below average salary with no problems. If a woman wants to live the high life then maybe she needs a partner, otherwise no she doesn't.

I have spent significant periods of time single - in my 40's now and really only just gotten into something other people might take seriously as a 'forever' relationship. Never had kids though I was open to that for a while.

I just don't think women are taught or expected to self-actualise in the same way as men are. Even when it comes to hobbies a significant amount of women I know are happy for a wander around the shops or a coffee. Which is nice of course but does speak to a lack of substantial pursuits. Even on these boards most would rather talk about domestic matters and the more 'masculine' topics - finances, politics etc - are not very well patronised. I find this is also true of real life conversations. Women are much more likely to shy away through fear of causing offence or looking silly/ignorant.

I have found that social relationships have been difficult, and dating other women has been difficult because I do want to engage on that level and have been told I am 'too much'. I choose to believe it is not a me issue.

I think socially and culturally it is the path of least resistance to defer to men and allow our lives to be consumed by relationships and children.

Because we know how hard it is doing everything alone with no-one for support? It's not an irrational fear, it's a realistic assessment. I'm alone, plan to stay alone, and I'm glad to be rid of ex, but it's relentless being a single mum - no hope of a break (unless I want to pay through the nose for a babysitter), whereas when I was with ex, if he was around, I could at least leave the house without them occasionally!

Why are men so scared of being alone? Every bloke I know who's divorced (either by his, or the wife's choice) is coupled up again within months. Women stay single much longer - especially if they have the kids, so TBH, I think it's men that have more of a fear of being alone than women.

I just don't think women are taught or expected to self-actualise in the same way as men are.

Nah I don’t agree with that statement at all, the amount of men who expect their wife to take over where their mother left off or who leave behind children only to see them minimally after the break down of a relationship. The responsibility of the children post relationship ending largely falls to incredibly self actualised women. I think actually society doesn’t expect men to be self actualised. The traditional set up was for men to be completely facilitated in their day to day life in order to operate in the corporate/work environment.

I just don't think women are taught or expected to self-actualise in the same way as men are.

I disagree with this but for different reasons. Why do women have to be taught? Why can't they learn for themselves? And as far as expectations - no one has to live up to (or down to, in this case) anyone else's expectations.

This is just more blaming external influences for why some women do (or don't do) something.

And?
That’s you.
My experience is totally different.
Just because YOU haven’t been treated that way, doesn’t my it doesn’t happen.

This is old thread, I don’t remember what you wrote, but have you been single always?
If you did dating/relationships/marriage/kids or perhaps now something more casual, then it’s totally different of what I’m talking about.

I’ve definitely have been treated like I’m a defect I don’t know your story, but if you’ve been treated better, that’s great, but that’s just you.

I just don't think women are taught or expected to self-actualise in the same way as men are.

I think that society just pushes us towards self-actualising different things - although I'd say that's been changing over the last 50 years. Now it tells us to self-actualise everything, whilst berating us that 'we can't have it all' and with the existing patriarchal laws and societal setup hasn't caught up to support us when we try yet. (ie. no-one's figured out how to square the circle that women have to have kids, yet we are also human beings who deserve jobs and independence and self-actualisation!)

Practical reasons: Money, shared bills, shared childcare, shared household tasks etc Unless you are on a very high wage (which average salary in UK indicates not) it’s much financially harder to live alone.

Emotional reasons: Humans are generally social creatures who enjoy being in relationships. Intimacy, sex, companionship are important to a lot of people (not all obv but most people I know crave these things)

Societal expectations: Coupledom is the norm in our society

With regard to abusive relationships, many women are trapped due to lack of money and resources so it seems a bit shitty to be questioning that as isn’t it bloody obvious?

I think it’s a bit odd to be all like “WHY do people want to be in a relationship???” That seems just as silly as asking “WHY are people happy being single??” Because everyone is different and not everyone will want the same things out of life! Even though I personally don’t want to be single, I can still appreciate why others might enjoy it even if it’s not an active choice id make myself.

I guess I don’t understand the bafflement about other peoples choices, we all want different things.

Fear of change. Societal expectations relating to being in a relationship. Financial security. Growing up in an abusive home so it feel normal. Their abuser making them feel helpful and unable to leave. Fear of losing their children. There are countless reasons.

So you put up with 20 years of that yet ponder why other women may put up with things out of fear of being alone? Yawn

This. If you stayed for 20 years this begs the question- well why didn’t YOU leave earlier if it’s so simple and straightforward as you imply it is?!

What are you going on about? Just as my experience is one way, so is yours, I never said it doesn't happen just that it has never happened to me. I was merely responding to say that I have never experienced judgement, so obviously not everyone is judging. Maybe it depends on the sort of people you are surrounded by.

I also find it strange that you "don't know my story" when I literally wrote three posts, one after the other. As you seem incapable of reading I will repeat myself: I have been single for most of my adult life and I have no children, and am now in my 60s. So, other than being married for 12 years I have been single, I haven't dated in decades and have no intention of doing so. I'm perfectly happy being single, and have never been judged or made to feel like I'm a defect.

I think it's money. I know I wouldn't have stayed with some exs had I had money. I also wouldn't have let it get so far we were living together.

It is so expensive doing it alone. But I much prefer it. I've got my little home to keep the world out.

Don’t raise your blood pressure over nothing now.

You took days old quote from me, used the word ’again’, so obviously I thought there has been back and forth.
I don’t check every single poster’s name, no time for that.

Maybe it depends on the sort of people you are surrounded by.
🥱 What a lazy retort.

Anyway, you’re beyond rude so bye now!

Tbf, people DO ask singles why they are single and pretty much pressures to get into a relationship and shame singles.
Many people think there is something wrong with single people.

No one has ever talked about this topic or asked someone why they are in a relationship IRL.

This

It's not a lazy retort. If the people you know treat you like a "defect" simply because you are single, and the people I know don't treat me like one, then surely it is because of the type of people you know! I have single friends, not one of them has been treated the way you seem to be. I also don't live in the UK, maybe people here are a bit more tolerant.

As for being "beyond rude" - pot, kettle, springs to mind.

You're right- this is true. People do question single people and I agree thats wrong. However, I also think its fairly obvious why women especially might find it hard to leave problematic relationships and I do see this question on MN and in real life a lot.

Finances are a huge reason and its not easy to just up and leave when you have a very low income or none at all. Thats what annoys me- the "just leave" thing. Its easy to say, not so easy to do.

As for being "beyond rude" - pot, kettle, springs to mind.

Nope. I haven’t said anything rude.

And it’s the society and people I come across, sure some are family members I have to see here and there and now ex-friend’s.
I cut close-minded people off, but the get a partner/marriage/kids narrative is still here.
But yeah, it’s amazing this is not your experience, but stigma is still huge, how you miss it all is baffling, but good for you.

Exactly this. I stupidly gave up my career to allow me to move abroad with XH's, then we had a child with multiple severe health issues so I stayed at home for several years.

A year of counselling and getting back into a decent job (which paid half what I earned before but enough to live on outside London) and I left him.

Seven years on he is still very bitter, still tries to exert control every now and then which I completely ignore. Hates the fact that my career has flourished and I once again earn more than him.

I was a shadow of myself towards the end of my marriage, living a half life.

I am resolutely single, it would take a lot for that to change.

I'd never judge anyone, anyone who hopes that it will get better if they keep on keeping on, anyone who can't afford to live if they leave, anyone who has had their self esteem shattered by someone they are in a relationship with.

There by the grace of god OP, let's hope you never experience it.