Why are so many women afraid of being alone

[Japanesejazz]

So many threads of
aibu
should I leave
is this a red flag
he’s only hit me once
he doesn’t like my child etc
he doesn’t have any contact with his children
his ex is nuts
hes moved in my house because his ex took everything in the divorce

OP, your original comment tells me you don't understand much about domestic abuse. "Why doesn't she just leave?" is so simplistic (to say nothing of victim blaming)

Having witnessed the absolute carnage of my cousin's divorce and custody battle I'm not surprised some people think its preferable to "make do" with what they've got.
There are now 5 shattered lives. Kids that are estranged from one or other of the parents. And every bit of money they'd built up together gone on legal fees.
And yet my (male) cousin jumped straight into a new relationship.

I personally think that early childhood experiences and attachment issues can be a big part of this issue. <Therapy speak to follow> I had a very insecure attachment from having emotionally unavailable parenting growing up. It caused big issues in my family among my siblings and it affected me in millions of little ways.

I always hated the normal changes in dynamics in relationships that life brings because I didn’t have solid relationship foundations. I am much much better now, even though I’m in a relationship I am so much better at knowing I can confidently meet my own needs. But the amount of work to get here given the start I had was significant and is not something everyone with similar issues might have the time and resources or even interest to do.

Many of the women in your examples, OP, have been the victims of parental/social/environmental abuse and/or neglect, craving the validation that they should have been given in healthy relationships with their parents/peers. For many it is not loneliness they are trying to fulfill, it's the belonging within 'social norms' that have been conditioned within us for which some women missed out on for whatever reason. The social pressure to 'fit in' often leads to accepting anything out there, and because of abuse/neglect, those individuals you mention do not have healthy benchmarks to base relationships on and it often means accepting awful behaviours, because it maybe wasn't as bad as before.

Just one of many, many reasons why people enter/remain in bad relationships, including the many examples already mentioned. There is pressure from social, political and economic dimensions (among others) that makes it a real bloody struggle for some to survive on their own and to extricate themselves from bad relationships.

How many of those posts have you seen here where those women are desperate to but cannot leave abusive relationships because they cannot afford to? Or because they don't have the means or social/legal support to do so?

It's not as clear cut as the statement I believe you are trying to make with your post.

There are still so many social/legal issues that need to be addressed before pointing the finger at women for reacting to the pressure that they are reacting to.

I don’t really know many women who have bounced from one relationship to the next, I do know plenty of men like that including my dad who has been in continuous relationships since he was 15. 5 or 6 relationships with a couple of marriages with maximum 6 month gap between. I know loads of long term happy single women!

Financially. You need to earn a high salary to be able to afford to live alone.

Women who are raking it in on Only Fans or in corporate jobs are more likely to be single because they don't need a second income.

Apart from the costs which are significant - many women have never been independent and have gone from relationship to relationship. They get disempowered and think they cant manage and don't have the skills to live on their own. But it's not hard at all. There are a lot of chores, there are times you feel lonely but the benefits vastly outweigh them. Just being able to do exactly you want to do when you want to.

As others have said a lot of it is money: living on a single income is punishing if you have kids.

Also a centuries old focus stigma which has evolved from being about moral judgment when religion underpinned our lives to a vague but all encompassing sense today that a woman who can’t “keep a man” is suboptimal in some way. There’s still a large number of women in our society for whom having a man is the only thing that really matters.

Also dismantling the infrastructure of a relationship is difficult and traumatic so understandably people are reluctant to do it unless they see no other option.

Most women on their own are pretty poor.

Coming from a friend that is in an abusive relationship after hours and hours of discussing how unhappy she was she admitted it’s the social status marriage gives and lower income if she separates.
Shame a woman’s value is determined by if she’s a Miss, Ms or Mrs whereas men don’t seem to face this dilemma.

I think most people, not everyone of course, prefers to be in a relationship. Companionship. But I think men like this too, it isn’t just a woman thing.

For me it would be finances. Without sharing the financial burden of life in the U.K. with my dh I'd probably be fairly poor. It terrifies me the thought of lowering my quality of life. I already feel so stressed out as it is 😂

So when you lived alone what percentage of your income was your rent? Did you need a guarantor for your property? Were you putting in application after application and not getting accepted? Life is very different now to what it was.

Look at the thread about what happens to serial male cheater's. Nearly everyone described them as having a sad life because they ended up living alone. Both sexes can be scared to be on their own. But the reasons why women don't leave relationships is much more complex. As said, living with abuse crushes you. Then there's the financial and practical side. That's without the idea that you'll have to hand your children over to that abuser.

The original intent of the posts was in relation to "partners". I'll add another reason. My father is in/our of hospital, and I'm mostly alone on his farm, apart from a few contractors that help out with certain items. We've had some issues with trespassing (scoping for targets I assume) and an attempted robbery. I have some help from neighbours, but I'd certainly appreciate not being physically alone so much of the time (I'm from here originally, but don't live here anymore, so DH is working in our "home" area, and unable to be here much).

I agree with you OP, I also wonder why many women are afraid of being on their own. I have known a few friends who, after gaining their freedom from disastrous relationships, have been absolutely desperate to pair up with someone...in some cases, picking unsuitable partners and moving in too quickly, just because they don't want to be single (and of course, making mistakes all over again because of it).

I assume it is more about company and companionship, and a lack of being able to enjoy solitude, rather than financial issues. At least, I hope that's the case, as it would otherwise mean they are finding partners purely for the extra money??

I was married for 21 years and had a couple of short relationships after that but soon concluded I loved the freedom of being independent. I just don't want to have a partner again, I never want to remarry and never want to live with anyone these days.
I think I have more friends now than in my earlier years....female friends, male friends, couples....

But I enjoy the freedom to live where I like, move when I want to, change jobs or do something entirely different without considering anyone else. I have masses of hobbies, go out to places, travel a lot....all things I could never do when I was married because I had to factor in someone else all the time. I have a very full life but don't fear quietness or solitude (in fact, I rather enjoy it) and don't fear being old and single (quite frankly, I think it will be easier without someone else to consider). If I become infirm or entirely demented, I shall happily succumb to the nursing home.

I do accept, however, that for those on their own with young children still at home, singledom is much harder to manage.

Agree with it being about money...and also as a pp said, social status. Also having a husband/partner gives you an element of protection in many ways.

to a vague but all encompassing sense today that a woman who can’t “keep a man” is suboptimal in some way

Ages ago I saw a comment about Jennifer Aniston in yet another article rehashing her love life, asking 'why is the question always 'why can't Jennifer Aniston get and keep a man'? why isn't it 'why can't any of these men get and keep Jennifer Aniston?'

Always it's the woman who's judged to be deficient in some way.

Money. Not only do women earn less, they’re also more likely to have custody of the kids, which limits the hours they can work. It’s very telling that ordinary people don’t separate, while celebs (who have unlimited cash) get divorced way more often. Because JLo doesn’t have to think about how she can work and still look after the kids, or whether she can afford a decent house on her own.

There's nothing wrong with worrying about being alone. We're not all strong and fearless. Live and let live op.

The vast majority of divorces are initiated by women though

I have in the past both lived alone and with partners and have been living alone for a few years now since I was widowed.

On the whole, I like living alone. There are times when I think it would be nice to have someone to share the work involved in running a life though. Apparently it costs £10,000 a year more to be single than in a couple. There are many things that need to be done that are as much or nearly the same effort to do for two as for one, and if it’s just you it’s tiring. Some things are impossible to do at home alone (e.g. mattress turning as it weighs more than I do!)

They are indeed, and this reflects the fact that overwhelmingly marriage suits men's needs far better than it suits women's. Aside from the financial protection, marriage is a pretty shit deal for most women in most marriages, particularly if their husbands are cheats.

But you have to experience that first hand to realise it, no one ever tells you this and the penny doesn't usually drop until you're married and stuck.

It's no accident in my view that there's this huge propaganda push that starts almost at birth to persuade women that marriage is the thing they most want in the world (the Disney Princess syndrome, the teen magazines and over-focus on boys who aren't worthy of girls, the rush to find someone to marry you, the hysteria over weddings). All of this is designed to persuade turkeys to vote for Christmas.

When they actually get married the gap between expectation and reality sets in but it's too late. Marriage is the most over-rated thing in our society, as far as women are concerned.

I believe that it can be partly explained by some women feeling that they're a failure if they're single - no man has picked them, so they're of lesser value. So they'll have a relationship with a crap man rather have no man.

This was my mother's view, she felt that to be a success as a woman you needed to have a man, and whoever got the best man won the womanhood competition.

I don’t think I will be married again. I was married as a teen. I’m now early 30s I’m okay being alone but I date a lot

I'm scared to be alone, terrified even. I'm very fortunate to have married the most placid man ever but i can see how easily I could have been saying any one of those things in the OP. It was luck, not judgement.