To feel ‘judged’ by appearance when making larger purchases

[CherLloydbyCherLloyd]

It can’t just be me who feels this.

My partner and I are doing okay financially - we live below our means and are on reasonably good salaries considering we have young children (thus both work p/t)

We maybe dress more … low end? As in, we wear comfy clothes. Athletic wear, jeans with trainers, etc.

We are in our early 30s and probably look approximately our age.

We have found when making larger purchases (cars, furniture, holidays etc) we tend not to be approached, or salespeople give us a quick “gimme a shout if you need help” and then move on to speak to someone else.

Personally, I find this off putting and will quickly leave a place if this happens, as I think it’s pretty rude/judgemental, and can only conclude this happens because of either our perceived age or our perceived ability to afford such items.

AIBU to think it’s off putting when a business prejudges customers based on their perception of what the customer can afford?

It’s definitely a thing. I don’t get changed to go into a shop, I’ll be wearing whatever I happen to be wearing that day. Just yesterday I was looking at some fragrance and a sales person came over to explain to me how expensive it was. I can read price tags. I had it happen when I bought my second house too - the agent (this was before Rightmove, in an actual estate agent office) plucked the details of a house from my hands explaining that it was a lot of money.

There's a tipping point in adulthood.

One day you're skipping through life with an adult bank balance and limited responsibilities and people turning their heads to look at you. The next you're suddenly mid-life-woman wearing an invisibility cloak, with people just looking through you.

This can come as a shock, but invisibility has always been a super power, so use it.

Wander round the shop unnoticed, listening to the discounts/offers/advice others are getting, work out what you want, why and at what price.

Then you need to use confidence to shrug off that invisibility cloak. Look people in the eye, say hello, be assertive and ask for what you want.

I doubt it's your work clothes that make the difference, it's probably more to do with the way you feel and present yourself when wearing them; you're in work-mode, here to get the job done, rather than casual, stroll round the shop mode and will be treated accordingly.

It is a thing. If you are post menopausal and fat, you might as well be invisible. It doesn't bother me until I actually do want to try a perfume. When I'm going out I spend on my whole attire, but I accept that day to day I don't look like I can afford £70+ for a perfume. I only shop in one Kurt Geiger shop (so do my family), because the sales assistant didn't ignore me until she spotted the bag/trainers, or until I went to pick up a C&C, unlike in the other two closest shops. It isn't because I'm 'scruffy' either, I just don't wear anything over middle priced stuff and usually sketchers.

Although, I think that people would assume that younger people have probably done their research and have more of an idea of what they want.

I went into a dealership a few weeks ago with 1 year old DS to buy a new car, brand new, in cash. I'd already done my research, knew what I wanted and the price I would pay based on car wow.

20 minutes I stood there and was ignored by sales people because clearly as a 25 year old mum I wasn't worth their time..

I left and bought a different brand car instead

Actually it's a good point about buying on line, I like to see things but then buy on internet. I still prefer to see a holiday brochure then buy on line. And I test perfumes and then - you got it.

I've had the "judging by appearances" thing, mostly buying cars. Fat middle aged woman, usually reasonably casually dressed but with the money in the bank (back in those days) to buy exactly what I wanted outright.

Went into one and told them exactly what type of thing I was looking for. I wanted a sporty car that wasn't a pure sports car, and at the time was looking at fast coupes. Salesman tried to offer me a small, slow, "town car" type of thing. I repeated my request for something 0-60 in under 8-9 secs NOT 0-60 in 15 secs or more, and that I could be comfortable going for hours on long journeys, and again they offered me what they perceived to be the right car for a housewife type person. Didn't get anything there even though that make did do the kind of car I wanted (but was never told about by the salesman). Because middle aged women don't want sporty fast cars presumably?

Another time a few years later, I took my male friend with me as he is very knowledgeable about cars, not that I'm not reasonably up to snuff in that department. One salesman actually asked if my "husband was buying me a car". We left immediately. At other places the salesmen were happily talking technical details to him, and colours and trim to me. Because of course colour & trim is all that matters to a woman, not performance, handling etc. No sale again.

Where I DID buy they asked who was buying and then talked directly to me, what I wanted etc., and only talked to him if he asked a technical question.

We did. In one shop, it played out like this:

we had seen specific bed online. Walked around shop to find the bed, checked it out for a bit (feeling mattress, checking drawers, looking at colour options etc) and then made eye contact with salesperson across store, who then came and asked if he could help.
Told salesperson we were wanting to find out info about delivery dates and payment options for bed, and if there was matching furniture available.
Salesperson said that we could choose our own delivery date, to have a browse round to see if we saw any furniture we’d like, and to give him a shout.
At that point he completely vanished, rather than closing the sale, when we had obviously been looking to do so.

I used to be a travel agent so I always find the exact holiday I want and then go into the store to book. Same as we do with furniture, cars etc. I like to give people the sale rather than booking/buying online. Very fast, easy transaction for those involved.

To be fair, it’s pretty hard to slip bedroom furniture into your handbag.

We have usually done our research.

For example when buying our car (Audi dealership) my partner went in and told them the exact car he wanted and what branch it was located in. The salesperson usually doesn’t even need to do anything except closing the sale.

Same for holidays, I usually go in and say we want to go to Mexico, staying at the moon palace on the 27th of july, 2 adults and two children. Easiest sale ever.

Maybe it is because most people our age tend to do these things online though. In both those scenarios, we could have done them online and cut out the salespeople completely. However, having worked in sales, we do prefer to spend our money locally rather than online.

Unfortunately people often do judge on clothed and appearance. My weekend attire is usually very dressed down unless I'm out socially. Leisure wear, trainers, parka. I get treated totally differently when I'm in smart office wear. I get followed by security guards a lot when I'm in my scruffs. I mentioned it to a friend's husband who is in the police and he said the combo of parka (ready to put hood up), trainers (ready to run), middle aged but skinny with long unstyled hair (potential junkie) adds up to "shoplifter". Once security in m&s called the police who said they'd had a report of me taking bottles of wine without paying. I had a receipt so it was fine but as soon as I started speaking (I have quite a posh voice) the officer's demeanour completely changed, before I'd even shown the receipt. Scruffiness runs in our family sadly. I've Christmas within a 48 hour period I was mistaken for a shoplifter, my son was mistaken for a drug dealer and my elderly dad was mistaken for a homeless person. We really ought to make more effort I suppose. Airports are fun too ...

Dh and I were once staying in a fairly nice hotel and a member of staff ran into the lift after us to check we were guests! That was funny.

We get ignored in shops/car dealerships too - we also tend to take our business elsewhere when this happens. We are often a bit scruffy and dh is mixed race (not sure if this makes a difference, I expect it does to some people) - he also earns a mid 6 figure salary, so it’s their stupid loss.

Sounds like heaven - i can't bear being ambushed by oiky salesmen - if I want assistance or advice I ask for it.
the only thing worse than the ambush is the"& do you need to check with your husband" -I genuinely got that the last time I bought a new car just before lockdown.

We are looking to replace our motability car and I wanted to look at the Audi Q2 for quality and boot size to see if our daughters wheelchair would fit.

I walked in the showroom, looked around all the cars. Sat in the Q2, looked at the boot. And left. No-one else in the showroom and no-one offered assistance.

My DH thought it was hilarious and said I clearly didn't look like I could afford one. Motability aside, I earn enough I could afford one

Why don’t you dress better?

Salesperson said that we could choose our own delivery date, to have a browse round to see if we saw any furniture we’d like, and to give him a shout.
At that point he completely vanished, rather than closing the sale, when we had obviously been looking to do so.

Am I missing something here? Why didn’t you just say to someone else “we’d like to order XYZ bed please”. Come on, use your big girl words!

But why on earth didn’t you just approach someone and say “hello, I’m looking to buy a car” :S

Because I don’t want to? There is nothing wrong with what I wear - I wear smart clothes for work and I like the distinction of workwear and casual wear. The clothes I wear are clean and in good condition, and suitable for our active lifestyle.

Because we wanted to know further information, ie where the matching furniture was located in the showroom (because we couldn’t find it) - we didn’t want to just order the bed, we wanted the set. As I had already told the salesperson. Which he ignored and scurried away.

We have this all the time, especially DH who has long hair and a VERY beaten up leather jacket and lives in jeans and T shirt. Also earns six figures as a computer bod, but is overlooked frequently. We were stopped by doormen at the door of an expensive central London hotel we were staying at recently because they thought we were coming in off the street!

Doesn't bother him at all, occasionally bothers me. But people judge on appearances, that's just how the world is, if it really bothered either of us we'd change what we wore to something less comfortable 😁

Ha ha, snap! Hadn't seen that!

I totally get how you feel.
We were in a high end kitchen shop looking at replacing our dated kitchen. Eventually an assistant came over and said " they have very nice kitchens in B&Q!" We were speechless and left quickly. I was so pleased when they went bust a few months later.
At the opposite end of the spectrum whilst on holiday in Orlando we decided to dress up and go out to dinner. We were ushered past lines of diners dressed in tees and shorts.
People are very shallow and judgemental.

In our twenties, we went to a bathroom showroom and were the youngest customers there by about 30 years. It was busy, all the staff were serving people, and we were prepared to wait - but every time somebody became free, they approached other customers and ignored us. I overheard that one of the customers they prioritised was there to replace their shower head - we were there to gut and replace our entire bathroom, ensuite and cloakroom, but we gave up and went elsewhere before anyone bothered to speak to us to find out.

YaWee Because if someone wants my busy, I'd like them to at least look like they are interested?! If I was going to spend £40k on a car, why would I have to approach someone to see if they want the commission from my sale?

With my job it is only if someone is free
So if you're not approached and can't see anyone then they will all be with customers

But if they're free and not approaching then that's not on. And we aren't fussed what people wear, mix of male and female staff and it's usually a male dominated industry