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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel ‘judged’ by appearance when making larger purchases

163 replies

CherLloydbyCherLloyd · 20/05/2023 00:17

It can’t just be me who feels this.

My partner and I are doing okay financially - we live below our means and are on reasonably good salaries considering we have young children (thus both work p/t)

We maybe dress more … low end? As in, we wear comfy clothes. Athletic wear, jeans with trainers, etc.

We are in our early 30s and probably look approximately our age.

We have found when making larger purchases (cars, furniture, holidays etc) we tend not to be approached, or salespeople give us a quick “gimme a shout if you need help” and then move on to speak to someone else.

Personally, I find this off putting and will quickly leave a place if this happens, as I think it’s pretty rude/judgemental, and can only conclude this happens because of either our perceived age or our perceived ability to afford such items.

AIBU to think it’s off putting when a business prejudges customers based on their perception of what the customer can afford?

OP posts:
JMSA · 20/05/2023 08:54

@dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway

Not at all. I just don't assume the worst in people. Or expect to be pandered to when I make a purchase.

mondaytosunday · 20/05/2023 08:55

As what you wear is the uniform for about 90% of people I'm surprised. Unless you've walked in to a Ferrari car dealership or a furniture showroom in Belgravia (my daughter goes to school in Belgravia and I tell you people do look rich there even in jeans).

Superdupes · 20/05/2023 08:56

Personally I'd much. much rather not be hassled by sales men who think I've got money and so they can majorly upsell. I'm happy to find them when I've decided what I want. If I get pounced on as soon as I walk in a shop then I walk straight back out again.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 20/05/2023 08:57

Stop waiting for the snub and be assertive in asking for what you want.

I’m a higher earner and stand in high end shops wearing clothes bought from supermarkets, never been overlooked or had an issue.

This is more about your attitude than the sales staff

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 20/05/2023 08:57

JMSA · 20/05/2023 08:54

@dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway

Not at all. I just don't assume the worst in people. Or expect to be pandered to when I make a purchase.

So you're quite happy to put up with rudeness?

JMSA · 20/05/2023 08:59

What actual rudeness has taken place? The level of sensitivity on here sometimes is mindblowing.

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 20/05/2023 09:02

Superdupes · 20/05/2023 08:56

Personally I'd much. much rather not be hassled by sales men who think I've got money and so they can majorly upsell. I'm happy to find them when I've decided what I want. If I get pounced on as soon as I walk in a shop then I walk straight back out again.

Agree with this.

I generally prefer to be perceived as a low life - tells me a lot about the person I'm dealing with.

VWRabbit · 20/05/2023 09:02

This is definitely a thing. I have two full sleeve tattoos, hand/neck tattoos etc, plus a million children, and a passive husband meaning in in charge in buying scenarios. and people seem to think I look and sound younger than I am (been told this directly). I have certainly experienced being ignored or not "seized upon" by staff during large purchases. I have also had the displeasure of hearing how "nice" it is that I have the same surname as my youngest at a medical appointment, because "so many people aren't married nowadays" (?!?!) Plus the occasional sneak peek to look at my wedding ring.

I deal with it by being assertive, politely knowledgeable and mildly unleashing a huge and varied vocabulary. And sometimes walking away to a location where there's fewer snap judgements being made.

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 20/05/2023 09:03

JMSA · 20/05/2023 08:59

What actual rudeness has taken place? The level of sensitivity on here sometimes is mindblowing.

Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

TheBucketWoman · 20/05/2023 09:03

who the fuck takes 2k out in cash to buy a bed? 😂

The undesirable types that shops don’t want to serve, that’s who!

TheBucketWoman · 20/05/2023 09:04

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 20/05/2023 09:03

Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

Show quote history

If people didn’t get rattled over things they can’t see then MN wouldn’t exist.

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 20/05/2023 09:06

Try walking off a building site and into a wedding dress shop- they couldn't get me out of there fast enough!

It was fucking Berketex.

I had one custom made in the end 😁

Onelifeonly · 20/05/2023 09:07

Most people dress casually these days, at least they do in London where I live. I dont like intrusive sales people so if someone says 'give me a shout' I'm quite happy. Sometimes my DH and I just go to browse / research anyway. When we want to buy we ask directly. I don't care what they think we can afford - mostly recently we bought a mattress for our dd and didn't want to spend too much, so we sussed the prices they had there and then told the salesperson our limit (arbitrarily chosen having seen what was reasonable) so he could show us all those below it. We then bought the one my dd liked. I think you are being unreasonable. If it makes you feel better though, dress up to go shopping.

JenniferBarkley · 20/05/2023 09:08

I know what you mean OP. I've found I get this in bathroom showrooms and the likes. Like you, we're financially comfortable but we wouldn't be into clothes and wouldn't be dressed up to go toilet shopping!

Mostly, I find it's that the salespeople want to show us the budget range, which is fine but it takes several attempts to get them to show me the nicer stuff I came to see. Very annoying as it's not just judging based on appearance but not listening to what we're saying!

Astrabees · 20/05/2023 09:23

DH and I seem to have a vibe that affects Audi salesmen. On three occasions when he has been looking to change his car and once with me we have visited the local Audi dealers and been totally ignored, with people who arrived after us being approached and spoken to. TBH the main reason he is on his third Mercedes is that the sales and service teams are really lovely. As we spent most of the car budget on the last one I have a Citroen , again a super friendly salesman who spoke to me not DH clinched the deal.

Anyotherdude · 20/05/2023 09:32

Well, if nothing else, it’s an interesting confirmation that a lot of people DO judge people on the way they present themselves. Not saying it’s right - but sadly, it’s human nature, and that’s why it’s good advice to look and be your best for a job interview - but for making a large purchase? I think I would be similarly annoyed OP.

toddlermom1 · 20/05/2023 09:33

MrsFezziwig · 20/05/2023 01:37

“Give me a shout if you need help” is music to my ears. Absolutely can’t bear it when sales assistants start fussing round me when I’m just trying to look at something in a shop. And I never get dressed up to go shopping, who does that?

My thoughts exactly! I like to be acknowledged and left alone. If i need someone i will ask

HagsGlen · 20/05/2023 09:33

Astrabees · 20/05/2023 09:23

DH and I seem to have a vibe that affects Audi salesmen. On three occasions when he has been looking to change his car and once with me we have visited the local Audi dealers and been totally ignored, with people who arrived after us being approached and spoken to. TBH the main reason he is on his third Mercedes is that the sales and service teams are really lovely. As we spent most of the car budget on the last one I have a Citroen , again a super friendly salesman who spoke to me not DH clinched the deal.

From your first sentence, I thought the ‘vibe’ was a sexual one, and that you had battalions of Audi salesmen giving you their number of suggesting a threesome in the back seat! I’m disappointed now!l

Fighterofthenightman1 · 20/05/2023 09:38

Makinghaywhile · 20/05/2023 06:45

"Give me a shout if you need anything"
"Yes I am looking to buy X today."

This is literally how this works.

There's no judgement. You're creating something that isn't there...

Yep this!

alexisccd · 20/05/2023 10:03

I'm just astonished that you go in shops /sales rooms to buy stuff. I'm older than you but don't know anyone who does this (other than my parents in law). You will get better deals online- so you can live even more below your means.

I do think however some people just attract attention from salespeople - subconscious bias is def a thing - DH is a right scruff clothes wise though quite posh - but he's tall and sporty looking, so carries it well. He will always get attention from salespeople / barmen / waiting staff etc. & he's then a talker. Im in the pls ignore me I'll tell you if I need you camp so used to hate going shopping with him

MistyMountainTop · 20/05/2023 10:03

I got totally ignored when I was trying to buy a vacuum cleaner, 30 years ago! Every shop that I went into I was ignored in favour of a family who coincidentally came in after me each time - sales people rushed to help them and left me standing like a lemon. I bought from Argos in the end.

And I also got told in my 20s, with my partner, that we couldn't afford any of the houses that a certain new build developer were selling and we couldn't even look at the show home. So we bought one, 2 months later, from the adjacent developer and drove past the first show home every day after we'd moved in. We ended up with a 4 bed rather than a 3 bed - didn't realise until we'd visited the 1st developer that developer 2 were about to start building so visited another site to look at their show homes, we really got lucky by not being allowed over the threshold of developer 1!

melmos · 20/05/2023 10:27

This might be the funniest stealth boost thread yet cheers op.

All the common sales folk don't understand that posh, rich, successful, thrifty, who look AMAZINGLY young for their age don't go to sofa showrooms or doing houses viewings in their lambo, wearing a flashy designer suit (bad quality mind) - hehehe silly them!

It's a sales pitch they want you to feel good about yourselves so flatter you into buy something, given this thread it seems to be working.

Also to poster who rolled up to dreams with 2k worth of reddies in a carrier bag to buy a bed - thank you I was having a really shit morning and now I cant stop laughing

MrsSkylerWhite · 20/05/2023 10:31

We’re quite well off, scruffy as hell. I can’t stand being approached and fussed over by staff in shops but they often make a beeline for us.

I guess we just exude sophistication 🤣

dontlookbackyourenotgoingthatway · 20/05/2023 10:37

melmos · 20/05/2023 10:27

This might be the funniest stealth boost thread yet cheers op.

All the common sales folk don't understand that posh, rich, successful, thrifty, who look AMAZINGLY young for their age don't go to sofa showrooms or doing houses viewings in their lambo, wearing a flashy designer suit (bad quality mind) - hehehe silly them!

It's a sales pitch they want you to feel good about yourselves so flatter you into buy something, given this thread it seems to be working.

Also to poster who rolled up to dreams with 2k worth of reddies in a carrier bag to buy a bed - thank you I was having a really shit morning and now I cant stop laughing

People who work in sales come from all backgrounds- there are some seriously posh ones in some sectors.

What unites them isn't being "common" it's the culture of constantly chasing money (that is the point of the job) and then displaying it. Cuts across class distinctions quite brutally.

As someone pointed out above, fewer and fewer people are going to sales rooms and buying online. It'll be a dying art soon, thank God.

Whichwhatnow · 20/05/2023 10:42

I do think a lot of the conflicting views on this thread may be based on a difference in opinion on what 'scruffy' means. There's a difference in wearing eg 'leisure wear' - like leggings, a t-shirt and trainers, no make up but hair clean and brushed and clothes of decent quality and clean/not ripped. People wearing stuff like that, I don't see as scruffy in the same way I mean it! If you rock up with dirty hair and torn Primark clothes, or with obvious tattoos/face piercings/mohawk or whatever, then yes you are likely to be judged. Just wearing leisure wear isn't the same thing at all and people are being disingenuous to suggest it is.