To feel ‘judged’ by appearance when making larger purchases

[CherLloydbyCherLloyd]

It can’t just be me who feels this.

My partner and I are doing okay financially - we live below our means and are on reasonably good salaries considering we have young children (thus both work p/t)

We maybe dress more … low end? As in, we wear comfy clothes. Athletic wear, jeans with trainers, etc.

We are in our early 30s and probably look approximately our age.

We have found when making larger purchases (cars, furniture, holidays etc) we tend not to be approached, or salespeople give us a quick “gimme a shout if you need help” and then move on to speak to someone else.

Personally, I find this off putting and will quickly leave a place if this happens, as I think it’s pretty rude/judgemental, and can only conclude this happens because of either our perceived age or our perceived ability to afford such items.

AIBU to think it’s off putting when a business prejudges customers based on their perception of what the customer can afford?

All of this is why I mainly shop online whenever I can, whatever it is we're buying. I've been pretty flush and dirt poor at different points in life, and have definitely noted a difference depending on how I'm dressed.

One that really sticks in my mind was the co op back in the days when they didn't just sell overpriced pasties and nappies but clothes and household goods. I'd gone in to see if there was anything suitable for my mam for a wedding one weekend (she had agoraphobia) and I was fairly casually dressed. The sales assistant was beyond snotty. I then went in one late night after work when I was dressed relatively formally, and the same assistant could not have been more arse licky.

I absolutely loathe having to deal with retail staff, whether it's a sofa or a pair of knickers I'm buying. I can't say I'm surprised the high street is crumbling, I'm just surprised it took this long.

yeah, kinda agree with this...

op, if you're annoyed people don't take you seriously when you dress down, don't dress down. it seems like you want to dress down as some sort of weird test of their morality - will they serve me or not? if not, i'll prance out of there on my high horse and moan on about how it's so wrong to judge a book by its cover, that has no place in the modern world, it's more important to be comfortable than smart etc etc... you sound hard work, aren't there more important things to whine about? if you want service, don't dress like a tramp and try smiling sweetly instead of glaring challengingly - or even go and ask someone to help you rather than waiting for the staff to scurry to wait on you as soon as you swan in. and ps, it may be that they don't serve you because you look rough, it may be because you look young, it may be that they don't want to crowd you or it may be that you're giving off vibes that you're going to be a pain in the arse and they'd rather not have to deal with you at all. (pps fyi in nicer establishments salespeople don't tend to rush over and beg for custom anyway, it sounds rather like you're wandering into porsche and expecting it to be like peugeot)

I'm only going by what you posted You literally said
I can only conclude this happens because of either our perceived age

so you clearly do think it might have something to do with your age.

I'm 52 and I recently heard that ''give me a shout if you need help'' comment. I think they are trying to give you space to browse/think.

I've never given it that much thought. I think any seasoned salesperson would know that neatly dressed doesn't mean more money to spend.

It says a lot about the present economy if people in their early 30s are considered young to be making purchases such as a car.

Op, I think you need to do the ultimate social experiment. Pop along to Lush and see if they ignore you there. If they give you a wide berth then I think you've proved your point.

Please report back as I would love to know if it's just me (Mrs Middle Aged Average) Who they annoy the hell out of.

Personally I think you are being a bit sensitive. I would be grateful that sales people aren't gushing over you immediately. I like the kind of place that smiles, ignores you, yet is there like a shot to help when you catch their eye. I hate being bothered while I'm browsing.

And this all sounds a bit Pretty Woman fantasy to me.

It hardly sounds like you are secret millionaires. Just an average couple out to spend a bit of money. It's what average, normal people do all the time.

I think any one of us can take a situation and find away to feel judged by it

Personally though this shows to me that the people feeling judged judge others

So basically you are judging people for judging you?

They could be thinking nothing whatsoever about you?

It’s not a problem really is it?

Same! I cannot bear sales people following me around, it pisses me off no end. Therefore, my body language likely screams "dont talk to me" and thats why it happens to me. Its literally never once occurred to me they think I dont have the money. Also, in my experience of the truly wealthy- they actually DONT dress all fancy at all, they often dress down. Its the people covered in designer labels that are often the ones up to their eyeballs in debt because its about showing off.

Brilliant!!
You need to pop in again on your flash new bike and all your kit to show him what missed out on a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman

I agree. When I was at school I worked in a more expensive shop and was serving a woman at the checkout. I asked if she had the shop's membership card (because I had to ask everyone this, like how in Sainsbury’s they ask everyone if you have a nectar card). She took offence at this, shoved her card in my face and told me not to judge a book by its cover and stormed out of the shop before I could explain. So she probably went home and told people "you wouldn't believe the awful cashier, just because I was dressed scruffily she didn't think I could have a membership card!" When actually I didn't notice what she was wearing until after she'd made the judging a book by it's cover comment (she was dressed pretty scruffily but really it wasn't something I remotely cared about)
She was judging me to be a snob. Plus I think it probably said something about how she viewed herself.

Go back to buy a bell!

"Give me a shout if you need anything"
"Yes I am looking to buy X today."

This is literally how this works.

There's no judgement. You're creating something that isn't there...

Yes, I am a bit of a scruff bag, and we often get this:
Went to dreams to buy a bed and security and a staff member cornered us and asked if we should be going to going to the store next door because we had a shopping bag, I had 2k in my bag which I then took and spent at an independent bed shop.
Same when we've been to buy a car, salesman with sandwich hanging out of his mouth. Buying a carpet, salesman comes to the door scratching his balls....
Would this happen to a well turned out couple? Probably not.
Generally, I walk straight out snd go somewhere else. If they give that behaviour as the first impression, what will the after-sales be like? And after all, you want to feel happy when buying something and not irked.

Sounds like you’re making something out of nothing to be honest, do you actually think they were trying to insinuate they thought you’d steal/deface a bed 😂 and I’m pretty sure a car salesman eating his lunch wasn’t a personal slight on you….

I'm not sure why it's a problem? I actively give off 'leave me alone to look vibes' to sales people. Nothing worse than a Daddy Pig style 'I'm a bit of an expert, don't you know' they never are an expert. Whenever I go to Currys to buy an appliance they are falling over themselves to sell you something and yet know nothing more than the blurb on the web page about each appliance. Utterly pointless.

Oh I absolutely get this OP. I earn very well but since being with DH and particularly since WFH I really can't be arsed with dressing up, so DH and I mostly look like aging emos (jeans/leggings, band t-shirts/hoodies, boots/trainers). We do like the finer things on occasion and it is very very obvious when we go to a fancy restaurant and order the most expensive steak for example, and a waiter is noticeably put on 'watch table 7 in case they try to do a runner without paying' duty, or we're ignored in a car showroom despite being the only customers there, or blatantly followed by security in a high end clothes shop.

I used to make far more effort appearance wise when with my awful appearance-obsessed ex and working in the City, so looked a lot more the part despite being younger and actually earning a fraction of what I do now. The way we were treated was VERY different, so it's not just in your/my head. Tbh I don't really give a shit what people think and generally find it quite funny, but it does sometimes affect how much of a tip I give (we're usually very generous tippers but not if the server has been ignoring us when we want to order more drinks etc, talking down to us, watching us like a hawk in case we make a break for it and generally being rude!).

Me too! hate being approached by the sales people without asking for help. Maybe I need to dress more scruffy when I shop!

What on earth do you think other people are wearing to a car dealership?
Spoiler alert it’s also jeans and trainers not a bloody 3 piece suit.

Most people hate swarmy intense sales strategies, and many people are must browsing. I think it’s totally normal to leave customers alone but make them aware you’re nearby if they need help.
You’ve really weird expectations and sounds like you think you should receive a big fuss over buying some furniture.

Yes people judge.
Turning up in a dirty grey tracksuit smeared in food and dirty trainers with the hood up gives off a different vibe to turning up in a suit and ironed shirt with clean leather shoes. Just look at all the threads in here about wedding attire!
However, through experience if I was selling something I would still offer good customer service.
All humans make judgements based on appearance it’s part of the survival instinct. Maybe smarten yourselves up if you want to be given better treatment. Would you expect to go to parents evening and see your child’s teacher in 6 inch heels, hot pants and a cropped top? If not then you can’t have double standards.

I've chosen not to return to certain car garages because their sales staff have been too keen and ready to pounce. The dealer that gets repeat business from us is the one that lets us browse and has brilliant service.

It sounds like you're expecting a bit more fuss for making 'big' purchases and are hung up on whether people think you have money or not.

If you enjoy wearing athleisure then wear athleisure. If you believe lots of sales people aren't serving you due to wearing athleisure and this bothers you, don't wear gym wear when making big purchases.

I used to dress more smartly to shop in John Lewis - but that was 20 years ago.

I think posture makes a lot of difference to how people appear. Here in the UK we are prone to slump - somehow eg French people stand better.

Is your hair shiny, do you know what you are buying so can ask sensible questions (and appear genuinely interested). Are your trainers broken down and grimy?

It's so unusual to see people not in fleeces and trainers that as a shop worker I'd probably make more effort with them.