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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to feel boyfriend resents me after giving birth

121 replies

megan2906 · 19/05/2023 22:42

I'm sitting here writing this while breastfeeding and I've never felt so alone. I gave birth 3 and a half weeks ago and ever since my boyfriend has been so hot and cold with me. A few incidents have happened over the last 3 weeks which have made me really question our relationship.

When our baby was 15 days old boyfriend decided to go out with his friends to the pub for 6 hours and left me home alone with baby ( both of our first). I looked after baby all evening, boyfriend kept telling me he'd be back 'in 10 minutes' for 4 hours straight , came back and was slurring and stunk of alcohol , claimed he only had 5 pints. I told him I was going to stay at my parents house with our baby for that night because I didn't want our newborn around someone who isn't sober. He lost it with me claiming he was going to get a lawyer and take my son from me , locked me out the house before I could get all baby's things in the car , then unlocked the door shouted at me some more. Slammed the car door on me then opened it again tried to take the keys from me , managed to lock me and baby in the car so he couldn't open it , then he stood behind the back of the car so I couldn't leave.

Fast forward to the last couple of days he's been extra nice cooking us meals and doing the dishes. However tonight he's gone cold with me again. As I'm feeding baby in bed the muslin cloth is damp so I just sent him a text asking if he could bring me one upstairs from the clean laundry basket, he's gone in a massive mood with me because I wasn't prepared and only brought my things upstairs , I brought myself a glass of water , I didn't realise baby's muslin was damp or I would've brought a different muslin up.

I find it so difficult because he can be so caring with cooking , washing dishes and helping me but other times he just switches and treats me like a piece of rubbish on his shoe.

I feel trapped, I'm so scared that if I ever left I wouldn't get to see my son anymore , I couldn't live without seeing him everyday.

Any advice please. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it just my hormones making everything seem more intensified ? I just feel like we need to stay together for our baby

OP posts:
canfor · 19/05/2023 22:50

You had a fight when he was drunk. Sounds as though he's adjusting to life with baby and is being selfish. It's not your hormones, he's been a dick on the two occasions you describe. The question is, is all of that out of character and just settling in problems or is this him now? Don't feel guilt tripped to stay together for baby. Can you take a break and go to your parents for a few days to reflect on this? It might do you both good. And by the way, no court in the lane would take a very young baby from its mum, particularly if you are breastfeeding.

Blondewithredlips · 19/05/2023 22:51

Did he want a baby?

JennyForeigner · 19/05/2023 22:53

He's 'going to get a lawyer and take' your son.

No he isn't.

He sounds like an arsehole but a stupid blustering pathetic arse is still an arse. It is vanishingly unlikely that you could be separated from your child, even if you weren't the sober one locked inside the car while your drunk off his ass partner ranted and raved outside.

On the other hand, this is not a model you ever want to set for your child again. I would be thinking very very carefully about whether this man is worth a second chance.

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 22:55

That sounds very familiar to me.
My first husband did almost the same to me when our baby was born.

You need to divorce. Your husband is cruel and abusive. Things are not going to get better.

Protect your baby and yourself. Of course you'll see your child after you split up. Your partner's threats are nonsense.

I was very foolish. I stayed. I even had another baby.

I didn't leave until the younger child was three. I cannot describe the years of abuse. It was unimaginable.

Please leave. Don't be me. It was over thirty years ago but I still regret not leaving with my first baby.

The abuse started when I was pregnant. He punched me in the abdomen. I don't know why I stayed. I think I thought it was going to get better.

Big mistake.

Don't be me. Leave him. Just get out with your baby.

GabriellaMontez · 19/05/2023 22:56

He's a twat. Its not normal. It's not you. Is there anyone you can talk to? Mum ?

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 22:57

And despite his threats that I'd never see the children, he actually had no interest in them once we'd split up, and never sees them now.

They both hate him.

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:00

And honestly, it's better for your child to have a single parent than to live in an atmosphere of terror and abuse.
Staying together for the sake of it is always the wrong thing to do.

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:03

canfor · 19/05/2023 22:50

You had a fight when he was drunk. Sounds as though he's adjusting to life with baby and is being selfish. It's not your hormones, he's been a dick on the two occasions you describe. The question is, is all of that out of character and just settling in problems or is this him now? Don't feel guilt tripped to stay together for baby. Can you take a break and go to your parents for a few days to reflect on this? It might do you both good. And by the way, no court in the lane would take a very young baby from its mum, particularly if you are breastfeeding.

He slammed the car door on her and prevented her from escaping his violence.
It was more than a drunken tiff.

Goodread1 · 19/05/2023 23:07

I think first Poster, has hit the nail on the head,
He is really struggling with changes to his life, that having a new baby brings,

the fantasy and the reality is such a stark contrast, that it's really sobering for him,.

I think like first Poster said the question is your partner being like a arsehole towards you threatening to take your son away from you, ect,
Is a he have past history ,form for pulling stunts, histrionics like this?,

he sounds worrying immature, childish, and Controlling,

what if he ramps this Controlling side up,?

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:36

I remember your previous threads.
He's been violent to you for a long time.
You really need to leave him.

Pahpahpotato · 19/05/2023 23:39

It’s incredibly common for a man to become abusive while his partner is pregnant or with a small baby, it makes them a much ‘easier’ target as they are so vulnerable. This man is a waste of space and you’d be better off without him, so would your son. His behaviour isn’t something I’d want to normalise for my child.

frazzledasarock · 19/05/2023 23:44

Oh diddums adjusting to fatherhood by terrorising and abusing his newly post partum partner.

LTB. Never ever put up with abuse in the hopes he’ll change.

does he terrorise his work colleagues and mates in this way? No? Well gosh he can control his emotions and chooses to terrorise you.

leave, find a good solicitor and get shot of this waste of space.

Somanycats · 19/05/2023 23:45

Again, did he want the baby? Actively want it, not just go along with it for a quiet life. It sounds like he didn't want it and is now regretful. He doesn't want to be there and for god's sake don't encourage him to stay

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:46

Somanycats · 19/05/2023 23:45

Again, did he want the baby? Actively want it, not just go along with it for a quiet life. It sounds like he didn't want it and is now regretful. He doesn't want to be there and for god's sake don't encourage him to stay

Not wanting a baby is not an excuse for being violent to your wife.

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:46

Somanycats · 19/05/2023 23:45

Again, did he want the baby? Actively want it, not just go along with it for a quiet life. It sounds like he didn't want it and is now regretful. He doesn't want to be there and for god's sake don't encourage him to stay

Not wanting a baby is not an excuse for being violent to your wife.

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:46

Somanycats · 19/05/2023 23:45

Again, did he want the baby? Actively want it, not just go along with it for a quiet life. It sounds like he didn't want it and is now regretful. He doesn't want to be there and for god's sake don't encourage him to stay

Not wanting a baby is not an excuse for being violent to your wife.

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:48

Sorry, I don't know why that posted three times.

autienotnaughtym · 19/05/2023 23:49

He sounds aggressive and controlling . Is that the case? If you think it was sn alcohol blip then fair enough but right now he should be supporting you and baby but he just sounds resentful.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 19/05/2023 23:54

He's projecting on to you. He is not capable of being a decent father or partner and deep down knows that means you are going to leave and take the baby from him. Which you probably will once you are recovered enough. In the meantime keep yourself safe especially when he's been drinking, go to your parent before he even gets back next time.

FuckNuggets · 20/05/2023 00:01

Get out! He will only get worse. Ordinary men don't react this way to becoming fathers. Get out now before he actually causes you or your son, physical damage.

EnaSharplesStout · 20/05/2023 00:13

@Blondewithredlips wtf difference does it make if he wanted a baby or he didn’t?! She didn’t climb on top of herself and get pregnant!

ASandwichNamedKevin · 20/05/2023 00:38

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:48

Sorry, I don't know why that posted three times.

It was worth posting 3 times to be fair, there is no excuse for abuse.

OP this is abuse. He should be falling over himself to help all the time. The fact he is nice some of the time is what makes you think it's not that bad. It will trap you. Really, get out lovely, behaviour like this twice when your baby isn't even a month old is awful.

Have you registered the birth yet? If not do it alone and don't put him on the birth certificate. I don't care what people say about that, I've worked in children's services and that advice would save many abused women from some of the heartache of having a dickhead father in their children's lives who has no interest in them other than as a pawn in the game of tormenting the mother.
Give the child your surname too.

Violasaremyfavourite · 20/05/2023 00:44

Leave.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/05/2023 00:51

Does he really imagine that a court is going to give him the baby when he was drunk and treated you both so badly?

Abcdefgh1234 · 20/05/2023 00:51

you know. There is lots of good man out there. Just leave. Trust me he wont take your baby. Prick. Like him dont wanna take care of baby. He is too busy going out with his friend. Your boyfriend is a boy. He still act like a teenager. Just leave him.