Am I being unreasonable to feel boyfriend resents me after giving birth

[megan2906]

I'm sitting here writing this while breastfeeding and I've never felt so alone. I gave birth 3 and a half weeks ago and ever since my boyfriend has been so hot and cold with me. A few incidents have happened over the last 3 weeks which have made me really question our relationship.

When our baby was 15 days old boyfriend decided to go out with his friends to the pub for 6 hours and left me home alone with baby ( both of our first). I looked after baby all evening, boyfriend kept telling me he'd be back 'in 10 minutes' for 4 hours straight , came back and was slurring and stunk of alcohol , claimed he only had 5 pints. I told him I was going to stay at my parents house with our baby for that night because I didn't want our newborn around someone who isn't sober. He lost it with me claiming he was going to get a lawyer and take my son from me , locked me out the house before I could get all baby's things in the car , then unlocked the door shouted at me some more. Slammed the car door on me then opened it again tried to take the keys from me , managed to lock me and baby in the car so he couldn't open it , then he stood behind the back of the car so I couldn't leave.

Fast forward to the last couple of days he's been extra nice cooking us meals and doing the dishes. However tonight he's gone cold with me again. As I'm feeding baby in bed the muslin cloth is damp so I just sent him a text asking if he could bring me one upstairs from the clean laundry basket, he's gone in a massive mood with me because I wasn't prepared and only brought my things upstairs , I brought myself a glass of water , I didn't realise baby's muslin was damp or I would've brought a different muslin up.

I find it so difficult because he can be so caring with cooking , washing dishes and helping me but other times he just switches and treats me like a piece of rubbish on his shoe.

I feel trapped, I'm so scared that if I ever left I wouldn't get to see my son anymore , I couldn't live without seeing him everyday.

Any advice please. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it just my hormones making everything seem more intensified ? I just feel like we need to stay together for our baby

You should've called the police when he was kicking off. If it was a one off it may scare him into not doing it again, but another poster said they have seen other posts where he's been violent to you before. In which case you need to get away from him as soon as you can.

OP, this is abuse and it will only escalate. If you don’t remove yourself and uour

If you don’t remove yourself and your child from this situation you’ll be putting your child at risk as well as yourself.

Can you safely get out, go to your mums? Or call womens aid.

Unfortunately domestic abuse often escalated during pregnancy or after having a child.

The first incident is abusive behaviour, you need to get your baby away from him. Please don't listen to his threats about court, no-one is going to take your baby. I'd be making plans to leave and record any aggressive behaviour if you can and if anything like that happens again you need to call the police. At least tell your family what's been going on. All the best xx

He is your boyfriend.
You have absolutely no ties to him.... no reason to stay.
If he wants to see his son he can go through the courts.
This will not get better.
Leave.

Just seen this. He's abusive, 100%. Get out, asap, your child deserves better and so do you x

I'm not dismissing her reaction as being a result of hormones. I'm suggesting her emotions were high and her resillience was low, which exaggerated her reaction.

And I'm suggesting that her reaction was entirely appropriate in response to his behaviour. You don't need to be hormonal to think his behaviour was completely unacceptable.

He threatened to take the baby from her....but she had just said the same to him!

Eh? Not true. Read the post. She said she was taking the baby to her parents for the night because he was so drunk. He threatened to have a lawyer remove the baby from her. They are entirely different and I can only assume you didn't read the post properly before suggesting otherwise. Then he locked her out of the house. This wasn't a tit for tat, six of one half a dozen of the other situation.

@JudgeRudy

Also if you read later posts from OP under a different name, you'll see that your suggestion she is over reacting isn't just wrong, it's dangerous. Here you go:

He can be aggressive and controlling with or without alcohol. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and find myself running things by him which I should just be able to do without feeling I need permission from him, I just feel like if I don't it will cause a huge explosion/ outburst. Lately he doesn't like me seeing my family because him and my mum have recently fallen out

What would you now suggest she does based on this? Stay and chat?

Presumably OP was removing herself and baby from the situation because of the history she has described of abusive behaviour which is often exacerbated by alcohol.

OP this is certainly emotional abuse, and there is physical intimidation with him stopping you from going, slamming doors etc. You should go to your mums.

Yuk. Please ignore every bit of this post.

If I had a full synopsis of an abusive relationship I'd maybe have made earlier suggestions including contraception. It's done now. Clearly if there's a pattern of abusive behaviour then yes, separate.

I just gave my opinion on the limited information presented.

@Freefall212

Try reading the full thread for context.

OP under a different name says:

He can be aggressive and controlling with or without alcohol. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and find myself running things by him which I should just be able to do without feeling I need permission from him, I just feel like if I don't it will cause a huge explosion/ outburst. Lately he doesn't like me seeing my family because him and my mum have recently fallen out.

Still think people are just man hating by saying this particular man is awful?

No, it tells you my view of THIS man, who is a domestic abuser.

To be honest it would be bad enough if the worst thing about him was that cooking the occasional meal and putting the dishwasher on once a week was regarded as some great achievement rather than, you know, basic adulting.

But this man has been aggressive and abusive towards the OP both during her pregnancy and in the immediate postpartum period, he has got blind drunk and lied to the OP about when he was coming home, he has prevented the OP from leaving with the baby by stopping her from getting her things and even locking her in the car with their baby, he has isolated the OP from her mother, he has threatened to remove the OP's newborn baby from her.

What more evidence do you need that he is a deadbeat dad?

It is a great shame that he is on the birth certificate and now has parental responsibility, because the likelihood is that he will not help care for this child but simply use his parental responsibility - which he will interpret as "rights", ignoring the responsibility part - to be a thorn in the OP's side for the next 18 years. I bet you any money he will wriggle out of paying child support but suddenly develop an interest in the kid when the OP wants to go on a foreign holiday and he feels like saying no just because he can.

I don't have any view on "men", because men are a diverse bunch.

My husband is a wonderful hands on dad who does more than his fair share of both nappies and housework and has done since the beginning. And even then if he ever got violent with me or the children I would leave him. I actually expect high standards of behaviour from men because I know that most men are capable of meeting them, which is why I take a very dim view of those who fall short.

He has been violent towards her in the past and she was afraid of him.
She was right to be as it happened, because he slammed a car door on her, then pushed her, then prevented her from leaving.
She knew what he was capable of.
She needs to leave.

"I also thought wetting the baby's head still happened but obviously from the comments new father's mustn't get drunk nowadays"

Jesus.
He did more then get drunk.
He assaulted her and terrified her.

In short a man who won't bring you a cloth isn't going to fight for a baby is he?
Go home to your family op. Ask the police to accompany you to remove all of your stuff.

OP - I hope you're okay this morning.
Can you explain where the baby was when this man slammed the car door on you?
Where you holding the baby at the time?

Make plans to leave this bully ASAP.
Look into a non molestation order and you'll need a child arrangements order. I believe with a child arrangements order you are legally allowed to take your child abroad for 28 days without consent of the non resident parent.
Do these things now whilst baby is tiny and relatively unaware of the abuse.

Thank you. Baby was in his car seat in the back of the car

Get rid of him. Move in with your parents. With luck he won't bother seeing the baby and you can build a nice life again.

Well that's unhelpful.
Suggesting contraception.
FFS.

You were protecting him (your baby) and trying to get away because you were afraid.
And then your BF slammed the car door on to you.
Atrocious behavior towards the mother of his baby.

There are too many domestic violence apologists on this thread, OP.

Ignore them.

Dearest OP, do you know what will stop your mum worrying about you? Having you and her grandchild under her roof.

Please, PLEASE go. Just see it as one step. Go. And then you can worry about what next.

Have you registered the baby yet? is there an option not to put him on the birth certificate- then leave

OP please go and visit your mum, take enough stuff in the baby bag for a couple of nights plus all your important documents. Then never go back to him. Text him to tell him you're finished. Your mum will be so relieved and give you help and support. Never be alone with him ever again. Get on with a new life for you and your child. He's an abusive man. Get out now. Best wishes xx