Am I being unreasonable to feel boyfriend resents me after giving birth

[megan2906]

I'm sitting here writing this while breastfeeding and I've never felt so alone. I gave birth 3 and a half weeks ago and ever since my boyfriend has been so hot and cold with me. A few incidents have happened over the last 3 weeks which have made me really question our relationship.

When our baby was 15 days old boyfriend decided to go out with his friends to the pub for 6 hours and left me home alone with baby ( both of our first). I looked after baby all evening, boyfriend kept telling me he'd be back 'in 10 minutes' for 4 hours straight , came back and was slurring and stunk of alcohol , claimed he only had 5 pints. I told him I was going to stay at my parents house with our baby for that night because I didn't want our newborn around someone who isn't sober. He lost it with me claiming he was going to get a lawyer and take my son from me , locked me out the house before I could get all baby's things in the car , then unlocked the door shouted at me some more. Slammed the car door on me then opened it again tried to take the keys from me , managed to lock me and baby in the car so he couldn't open it , then he stood behind the back of the car so I couldn't leave.

Fast forward to the last couple of days he's been extra nice cooking us meals and doing the dishes. However tonight he's gone cold with me again. As I'm feeding baby in bed the muslin cloth is damp so I just sent him a text asking if he could bring me one upstairs from the clean laundry basket, he's gone in a massive mood with me because I wasn't prepared and only brought my things upstairs , I brought myself a glass of water , I didn't realise baby's muslin was damp or I would've brought a different muslin up.

I find it so difficult because he can be so caring with cooking , washing dishes and helping me but other times he just switches and treats me like a piece of rubbish on his shoe.

I feel trapped, I'm so scared that if I ever left I wouldn't get to see my son anymore , I couldn't live without seeing him everyday.

Any advice please. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it just my hormones making everything seem more intensified ? I just feel like we need to stay together for our baby

I’d be protecting my newborn baby and leaving this prick. It won’t get better I’m afraid

And I totally agree with @canfor
Talk to your mum, be open with everyone. Abusers tend to thrive on secrecy

There is a big adjustment period to having a baby. Your time is occupied with the baby but he is probably feeling at loose ends. It sounds like he is immature in his reactions and the drunken night would be something I would address for sure but he hasn't been a parent before and he hasn't been the boyfriend to a mother before and he hasn't lived this life before. Some people adjust faster and better than others do. Some know more instinctively how to adapt in a way but others don't. How much experience has he had with babies and young kids. Many young men have had very little experience and their expectations are not realistic. They didn't babysit or hang out with other friends with babies or look after babies in the family. For some, their own child is really their first close encounter with an infant and the needs of an infant and a post partum mother. Women often have had more life experiene with post partum mothers and their infants than men have.

That doesn't mean you tolerate mistreatment but it means you have to accept his learning curve and adjustment are going to look different from your own. And that you will both have to be willing to be accepting of the other going through a range of emotions and thoughts. Him being cold is somethign I would ignore. But the way he acted about you leaving isn't somethign I would ignore. You know if he is a safe and healthy person to stay with and if this is adjustment and transition and learning quirks or if he was like this before the baby and this is who he is.

She does worry. I just don't want to be a burden to her , she has enough on her plate at the moment. My two younger brothers still I've at home so she has them to look after, my grandma isn't in the best health so my mum does lots for her too. It's just difficult with not having a full time job I couldn't afford for me and baby to get a house/flat by ourselves

You don't need to stay with him for the sake of the baby, you should leave him for the sake of the baby. And your own sake.

Is your baby registered yet? If not, don't put him on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname.

Go to your parents and stay there.

I did speak to her after the incident last week , I didn't go into the full extent but did tell her about him saying he'd take the baby from me. She did offer to help with any legal fees I'd incur such as a solicitor. I just feel like such a nuisance and that I've made some wrong choices in who I've decided to be in a relationship with. In hindsight I should've stayed away when I left a year ago... he just always seems to pull me back. Promises me he'll change and I even went over a list of things I'd need him to change such as how he speaks and treats me. Didn't last long

I can only speak from my own experience as a mother, and say that I would rather have you safe in my home than with this man.

You're young. It won't be forever. You can make a plan to get back on your feet.

Unfortunately baby is already registered and he's on the birth certificate. Will this give me less rights?

Yes, I guess that is true. Thank you so much for your advice

Yes you made some wrong choices! You can make better choices this time.

Most of us have made some life errors...

Are you the OP? If so, then it seems you know this is who he is and it isn't about the baby. Have you heard of sunk cost fallacy? A sunk cost fallacy is where "a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial." People often think that if they leave they have wasted all that they invested in it (time, money, resources, love) - but ignore the prospective costs - meaning that staying will continue to take more of their poorly invested time or resources or money or well-being. You may have made mistakes and there may be people in your life you can rightly say I told you so BUT that doesn't mean that making more mistakes and continuing in a mistake is a good thing. It doesn't change the mistakes you made and it adds more mistakes to the list. Better to get off the merry go round and make better choices. No one is going to make them for you.

He can be aggressive and controlling with or without alcohol. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and find myself running things by him which I should just be able to do without feeling I need permission from him, I just feel like if I don't it will cause a huge explosion/ outburst. Lately he doesn't like me seeing my family because him and my mum have recently fallen out

Read this back to yourself, @youngmum2000 !!

You need to go home to your mum. Even if things are tough for her right now , she won't want you to stay in this awful situation.

Don't worry about him getting custody - (a) he won't bother, and (b) no court in the land would grant it.

Get out now, before the abuse escalates or you are ground down by years of abuse. You don't want your precious child to grow up in this environment.

You will both still have rights and that is okay. The goal is to get out of the relationship, not to get him out of his son's life. You will have to learn to co-parent assuming he wants to also take on that role. It doens't help your son in any way for you to punish your boyfriend or to try to keep him from your son. It is fine for a father to have rights as well. Leaving isn't about turning this into a fight over the child. Right now your child is a newborn and so will primarily be with you.

Honestly don't tell him what you're doing just do it. He could have gone to bed pd up, you could have packed your stuff. Quietly put it and baby in the car and left.

If anyone stood in the way of letting me ourlt, I'd have slowly edged the car into them. No way is anyone staying behind moving car.

This relationship sounds doomed, but it's early days. So give it a few more weeks. If he is still unreasonable, leave, OP. You and your baby will be fine and in fact better on your own versus having a manchild around.

Please talk fully to your mum about this, OP! Yes, you made a bad choice, but that doesn't mean you and your baby need to live with it. You must know there is no way on earth he could or would take the baby from you. He obviously wouldn't want to be in sole charge of a baby. He's just trying to scare you so that you don't stand up to him or try and leave.

He is an abusive arsehole and he won't change. You and your baby deserve better, and I'm sure your mum would agree. Don't feel like you're a nuisance - you are her child.

Yikes! This is not OK. Go home to your mum and do the Freedom Programme. Tell the police about the incident.

Your mum will help you and you can help her too.

Parents don't have rights over their children, they have responsibilities towards them.

It's not the end of the world that this deadbeat dad is on the birth certificate, but it may make it more difficult for the OP, for example if she wants to take her child on holiday abroad and he says no just to be spiteful, or if he decides to tell the child's GP he doesn't consent to vaccinations for example.

He was drunk and aggressive. Leave.

That's enough of a line in the sand. He has overstepped it. You don't need to wait for it to get worse.

Parents do have rights as well as responsibilities.

And the baby is 3 weeks old so your decision to call him a deadbeat dad and assume he will be difficult and spiteful is really all I need to know about your view of men.

Going out and with friends for a few hours I could live with. It would irritate me a little if he kept adjusting the plans (ie return time) but being 'left alone for 6hrs isn't unreasonable. I'm guessing he was 'wetting the baby's head' and l wouldn't have been surprised ghat he came home drunk. Provided he wasn't causing a problem I'd have tolerated that. I'm not sure why you felt the need to walk out on him. No wonder he got angry. I'm not saying his reaction was right, but you essentially said I'm taking your child off you.
The incident with the muslin - l mean, is that even an incident? You asked him for a clothe, he implied you should be better organised, you explained you couldn't have anticipated this. He huffed/sniped and you feel unloved at trapped.
I say this with the kindness of intentions but you are both going through the biggest adjustment in your lives...together. it's happening to you both at the same time so you're less able to support each other. Your hormones are raging and your body's in shock and recovering. Yes, he was an arse with the car incident, but I wouldn't be planning on splitting up or making any hasty decisions atm.
When you're both in a calm place tell him joy you're feeling. Don't say you're disappointed and don't feel loved/supported - tell him this is harder than you ever thought it would be and you need him now more than ever. I mean, you're on the same side right?

the car incident

Great attempt at minimising his behaviour. Locking them out, slamming the car door on them, preventing her from leaving. Does it sound like they're on the same side?

I presume you are ignoring the previous abuse?

@JudgeRudy

Your hormones are raging and your body's in shock and recovering.

She isn't reacting how she's reacting because of 'hormones', she's reacting how she's reacting because his behaviour is disgusting. I would say that if their child was older and OP wasn't also having the physical effects that come post birth.

Dismissing a woman's reaction to horrible, nasty behaviour as being due to her hormones has a real whiff of misogyny about it.

Yes, he was an arse with the car incident, but I wouldn't be planning on splitting up or making any hasty decisions atm.

You've minimised this 'the car incident' completely when what actually happened was:

He spent four hours lying that he was coming home to her and their newborn baby while he was in fact getting increasingly drunk--

He came back very drunk to the point he was slurring

He threatened to 'take her son away from her'

He locked her out of the house without the baby's things

He shouted at her, slammed the car door on her then opened it again and attempted to forcibly take the keys from her, all with their baby present

He locked her and the baby in the car

He then physically prevented her from leaving

I mean, you're on the same side right?

You think he is behaving in any way, shape or form like a reasonable man who considers them to be on the same side?

No, yhats not what l said. I'm not dismissing her reaction as being a result of hormones. I'm suggesting her emotions were high and her resillience was low, which exaggerated her reaction.
I don't believe I am minimising the car incident. I've said he was an arse. A drunken arse at that. He threatened to take the baby from her....but she had just said the same to him!
I don't think either of them are acting entirely rationally which is why I've suggested discussing this when they're both calm....to establish if they do actually want the same thing. I don't feel a decision to spilt should be made on this incident alone.