Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to feel boyfriend resents me after giving birth

121 replies

megan2906 · 19/05/2023 22:42

I'm sitting here writing this while breastfeeding and I've never felt so alone. I gave birth 3 and a half weeks ago and ever since my boyfriend has been so hot and cold with me. A few incidents have happened over the last 3 weeks which have made me really question our relationship.

When our baby was 15 days old boyfriend decided to go out with his friends to the pub for 6 hours and left me home alone with baby ( both of our first). I looked after baby all evening, boyfriend kept telling me he'd be back 'in 10 minutes' for 4 hours straight , came back and was slurring and stunk of alcohol , claimed he only had 5 pints. I told him I was going to stay at my parents house with our baby for that night because I didn't want our newborn around someone who isn't sober. He lost it with me claiming he was going to get a lawyer and take my son from me , locked me out the house before I could get all baby's things in the car , then unlocked the door shouted at me some more. Slammed the car door on me then opened it again tried to take the keys from me , managed to lock me and baby in the car so he couldn't open it , then he stood behind the back of the car so I couldn't leave.

Fast forward to the last couple of days he's been extra nice cooking us meals and doing the dishes. However tonight he's gone cold with me again. As I'm feeding baby in bed the muslin cloth is damp so I just sent him a text asking if he could bring me one upstairs from the clean laundry basket, he's gone in a massive mood with me because I wasn't prepared and only brought my things upstairs , I brought myself a glass of water , I didn't realise baby's muslin was damp or I would've brought a different muslin up.

I find it so difficult because he can be so caring with cooking , washing dishes and helping me but other times he just switches and treats me like a piece of rubbish on his shoe.

I feel trapped, I'm so scared that if I ever left I wouldn't get to see my son anymore , I couldn't live without seeing him everyday.

Any advice please. Am I being unreasonable ? Is it just my hormones making everything seem more intensified ? I just feel like we need to stay together for our baby

OP posts:

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 02:50

Blondewithredlips · 19/05/2023 22:51

Did he want a baby?

Yes, this baby was planned and wanted by both of us after a miscarriage

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 02:51

GabriellaMontez · 19/05/2023 22:56

He's a twat. Its not normal. It's not you. Is there anyone you can talk to? Mum ?

I could speak to my mum but I don't want her to worry

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 02:52

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:00

And honestly, it's better for your child to have a single parent than to live in an atmosphere of terror and abuse.
Staying together for the sake of it is always the wrong thing to do.

I was thinking this , just don't know what to do for the best , I'm afraid , I couldn't afford to run this house or any house by myself so it would mean moving back in with my parents

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 02:54

Goodread1 · 19/05/2023 23:07

I think first Poster, has hit the nail on the head,
He is really struggling with changes to his life, that having a new baby brings,

the fantasy and the reality is such a stark contrast, that it's really sobering for him,.

I think like first Poster said the question is your partner being like a arsehole towards you threatening to take your son away from you, ect,
Is a he have past history ,form for pulling stunts, histrionics like this?,

he sounds worrying immature, childish, and Controlling,

what if he ramps this Controlling side up,?

I'd say every month or two he will have a strange change in character which leads to him being bitter to me. It definitely gets worse if alcohol is involved or his football team lose

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 02:55

TheShellBeach · 19/05/2023 23:36

I remember your previous threads.
He's been violent to you for a long time.
You really need to leave him.

He has got aggressive towards me for a long time ... he's never physically harmed me, I'm not sure if this is emotional abuse or not?

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 02:58

autienotnaughtym · 19/05/2023 23:49

He sounds aggressive and controlling . Is that the case? If you think it was sn alcohol blip then fair enough but right now he should be supporting you and baby but he just sounds resentful.

He can be aggressive and controlling with or without alcohol. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and find myself running things by him which I should just be able to do without feeling I need permission from him, I just feel like if I don't it will cause a huge explosion/ outburst. Lately he doesn't like me seeing my family because him and my mum have recently fallen out

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 02:58

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 19/05/2023 23:54

He's projecting on to you. He is not capable of being a decent father or partner and deep down knows that means you are going to leave and take the baby from him. Which you probably will once you are recovered enough. In the meantime keep yourself safe especially when he's been drinking, go to your parent before he even gets back next time.

I will, thank you

lakesummer · 20/05/2023 03:37

I would much prefer to have my dd and her baby safe with me rather than with an abusive drunk arse.
Talk to your mum.

PinkArt · 20/05/2023 03:37

Cooking and washing up isn't being 'extra nice', its doing your share of the most basic household chores as an adult. Page 1, a given that this should be happening as standard, not as some sort of treat to another adult in the house. When the other adult gave birth weeks ago, it's even more of a given that he should be doing this and some.
This makes me think your bar is set pretty low with him so please listen to what all of the brilliant posters here are saying. Both you and your baby deserve better than this.

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 06:03

Talk to your Mum. She's worried anyway. Make a plan to leave.

This isn't how life should be. Especially not with a new baby. We're not supposed to live in fear of our partners.

When a new baby arrives, good men, step up and support and cherish their partners. They don't terrorise them.

Is there any video/witness to the car incident? You need a solicitor.

Pahpahpotato · 20/05/2023 07:10

Of course he and your mum have fallen out, of course they have, abusers handbook page 6, isolate your partner. Seriously, speak to your mum. She’ll be worried about you anyway, trust me.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/05/2023 07:20

This isn’t going to get any better. It might well escalate, but even if it doesn’t, do you want your baby to grow up in fear of their bad tempered dad who’s mean and aggressive after the pub/when his team loses/when life isn’t going his way.

PinkRobotDuck · 20/05/2023 07:21

It sounds like you have a new baby and he is some hanger on who can be useful occasionally to get stuff for you.
Doesn't he interact, hold, cuddle, bath, walk the baby.
I also thought wetting the baby's head still happened but obviously from the comments new father's mustn't get drunk nowadays.

cptartapp · 20/05/2023 07:25

Take your son? Lol.
He won't even do 50/50 when you split. Guarantee it.
Get rid and make sure he pays up. This won't get better.

canfor · 20/05/2023 07:27

If there is a history of you feeling like you are walking on eggshells as you say above, you have to get out. This will not get any better. Because you have a young baby you are so vulnerable. Your emotions will be all over the place.

Im so sorry, these should be the happiest days for you - your partner should be cherishing you and the new baby. You shouldn't have to think about leaving your home. The future is both you and your child walking on eggshells to accommodate him. When he was drunk and preventing you from getting in the car, that's how it might play out from time to time but only likely to ramp up as you protect your child - is that what you want as the backdrop to family life?

Talk to your mum, be open with everyone. Abusers tend to thrive on secrecy.

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 07:34

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 06:03

Talk to your Mum. She's worried anyway. Make a plan to leave.

This isn't how life should be. Especially not with a new baby. We're not supposed to live in fear of our partners.

When a new baby arrives, good men, step up and support and cherish their partners. They don't terrorise them.

Is there any video/witness to the car incident? You need a solicitor.

I think one of the neighbours might have a cctv camera but not sure if it covers where our car was parked. No witnesses unless any of the neighbours heard me scream

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 07:36

You know you've changed usernames?

WorryMcGee · 20/05/2023 07:36

Have my first Mumsnet LTB. Decent men don’t act like this. It is well known that DV risk is increased when a woman is pregnant/pp and he isn’t going to get any better. As earlier posts point out cooking and cleaning is not being “super lovely” it’s the bare fucking minimum. It’s his house too so he has a joint responsibility to keep it clean. He’s an abusive twat.

It is also well known that DV increases when these twats’ football teams lose and I see he’s one of those as well. Throw this one back in OP.

Desperatelywantinganother · 20/05/2023 07:36

PinkRobotDuck · 20/05/2023 07:21

How is going out to the pub 3,5 weeks after the birth and drinking so much you are slurring your speech and behaving erratically ´wetting the baby’s head’. Surely that tradition was supposed to be having a drink in celebration of the baby’s birth, probably the day of the birth and while the mum and baby were still being looked after in hospital or by female relatives. Getting bladdered and abusive to your wife three weeks in is just abuse and drunkeness.
OP, go and stay with your mum for a few days. Don’t wait for the next incident. Go. Tell her how bad things have got and see what she says about if you could stay for a while. Long term you’re going to be a single parent I’m afraid.

WaltzingWaters · 20/05/2023 07:38

He’s being abusive and controlling. Don’t worry about him taking your son. I’m sure he wouldn’t last two minutes as a full time single dad.
Just think, is his behaviour the type of role model you want around your child.
Plus, him doing cooking and washing up is just life, not him being extra attentive and caring.

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 07:39

Could you ask neighbours about cctv? It may be useful if you need a non molestation order. His behaviour on the drive sounds terrifying. But mainly, just get out.

Can you tell us how old you are?

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 07:40

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 07:36

You know you've changed usernames?

Yes, I'm maybe just being over anxious but was just scared if he ever saw the post he'd know it was me from that username

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 07:42

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 07:40

Yes, I'm maybe just being over anxious but was just scared if he ever saw the post he'd know it was me from that username

Show quote history

If you think this is possible, you can click the report button and ask mumsnet to delete or alter the thread.

youngmum2000 · 20/05/2023 07:42

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 07:39

Could you ask neighbours about cctv? It may be useful if you need a non molestation order. His behaviour on the drive sounds terrifying. But mainly, just get out.

Can you tell us how old you are?

I'm 20 and he's 27

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2023 07:46

Your Mum must be worried sick. If one of my daughters was with a man like you've just described, I'd want to do anything I could to get her away.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5