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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for refusing to go for a walk

119 replies

OffMyChest1 · 19/05/2023 18:20

But of background here, I (f36) have a few health issues, mental health issues which means I’m agoraphobic, it’s not so bad when I’m forced out somewhere like work (I work full time shift work) or somewhere I have to take the kids (I have two young ones under 10) but when I have no ‘reason’ it can be bad.
I also have physical health concerns, I’m in pain most of the time, albeit mild for the majority of the time. Walking too far hurts both my hips and my back and the pain can last for days. I’ve even just bought special pillows for my heck and hips to try and reduce the everyday pain.

Leaving my house on my day off is basically the very last thing I want to do.
My husband (m35) is a bit of a fitness nut, he will take our eldest on hikes for miles, they did 10 miles once (keep in mind my eldest is only 8 now and youngest is 4)

We live a couple of miles from a nice lake and he’s been asking for the last year for us all to go on a walk to his area, im always saying no.
We just had an argument about it, he doesn’t want us all sitting inside watching screens on a nice spring day (we’re in the uk) and thinks it’s unfair he takes the kids out on long walks alone but he just can’t understand why I’m always saying no.
AIBU here?

OP posts:
Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 19/05/2023 18:22

You are. Take your kids out for a walk.

Sirzy · 19/05/2023 18:22

Can you drive and meet them there? More from the POV of being out doing something with the children.

are you getting help with your mental health?

Fairowing · 19/05/2023 18:22

No you’re not at all. Stand your ground. It’s not the same thing but I have a fear of ticks and so there are some places I would just refuse to walk or rest in. I get hassled and mocked but I’m not stopping anyone else from going - and neither are you

Heroicallyfound · 19/05/2023 18:22

Yanbu to say no to something you don’t want to do

but you’re a family and presumably care about your family’s and partner’s best interests, so what was your proposal for a compromise? Could you do a trip to the coast or feed the ducks at a nearby river, something to get you all into nature, enjoy the outside and spend quality time together? If not on this day then another day?

Anaemiafog · 19/05/2023 18:24

I can't walk far so we compromise. I'll drive somewhere flat and meet DH, who'll walk thre with our dog. I won't make myself ill or cause pain but being inside stuck on screens isn't great for anyone.

MrsDoylesDoily · 19/05/2023 18:26

If walking causes so much pain, could you afford to buy a disability scooter?

HeadNorth · 19/05/2023 18:27

You need to get your children off their screens and out in the lovely weather, your DH is right. The suggestion of you driving and meeting them there seems a good compromise- you could drive the wee one back as well.

parietal · 19/05/2023 18:28

Go to the lake (drive there ) and take a camping chair. Let DH and dc hike around the lake while you admire the view from your chair.

You do need to get out of the house but you don't need to walk miles.

RoseBucket · 19/05/2023 18:28

Could you do a picnic and let them go for a walk around the lake and you have lunch afterwards.

BounceyB · 19/05/2023 18:30

I think you should try. If the sun is out and you're not doing anything else why wouldn't you at least join them for part of it. It can't be good to always be sedentary.

RaininSummer · 19/05/2023 18:34

Agree that you find a compromise as being indoors all the time or your husband always out alone with your children sounds unfair and miserable for them. Maybe find somewhere nice for a picnic where they can walk. Swim or whatever and you can do whatever you can cope with and wait for them with the picnic and a book or something.

Cherrysoup · 19/05/2023 18:37

Are you getting help for your issues? I can empathise with you and your Dh. Of course he wants to get out on a nice day and he sees you managing to go to work but not for a simple walk? Equally, I have mobility issues and a walk round a lake is the last thing I want to do, but my DH would love to do it.

AffIt · 19/05/2023 18:37

Don't be that parent.

I am desperately outdoorsy, as are / were my sister and late father, but my mother refused to do anything that involved any kind of physical exertion and / or possibly getting dirty.

Don't get me wrong, we did it anyway, but I have little to no relationship with my mother these days as an adult in my early 40s, because she refused to do or join in with anything outwith her comfort zone (or basically anything she didn't like).

As others have said, can you not even compromise a bit by driving to a point and meeting your family there?

Ocresocks · 19/05/2023 18:38

YABU.

Your "reason" is your DC mental health and wellbeing - that's pretty important OP.

helpfulperson · 19/05/2023 18:38

loads of places hire mobility scooters if your concern is pain from walking. Tell us roughly where you are and I will tell you where locally they are available. If you just don't like doing outdoors then that is something you need to work on with professional help if need but please don't pass your agoraphobia onto your children.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/05/2023 18:40

but when I have no ‘reason’ it can be bad.

Could you look on it that you aren't doing it for no reason, you are doing it because it will massively benefit your children to get into a lifelong habit of being out exercising and seeing beautiful places, rather than sitting at home? Just tell yourself the trip serves a function and you don't have to enjoy it.

Ocresocks · 19/05/2023 18:41

AffIt · 19/05/2023 18:37

Don't be that parent.

I am desperately outdoorsy, as are / were my sister and late father, but my mother refused to do anything that involved any kind of physical exertion and / or possibly getting dirty.

Don't get me wrong, we did it anyway, but I have little to no relationship with my mother these days as an adult in my early 40s, because she refused to do or join in with anything outwith her comfort zone (or basically anything she didn't like).

As others have said, can you not even compromise a bit by driving to a point and meeting your family there?

Same!

When I think of my mum I think of "nothing". She didn't do anything with us. She never came to the park and she never came to the beach 2 miles away.

I love being outdoors!

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/05/2023 18:41

You shouldn’t be in pain but equally you do need to spend time as a family, and it’s not good for your kids if that’s always in doors. Can you go and have a picnic and they have a walk after. You can get a portable chair for you. Or otherwise find out about a mobility scooter as Pp says

TomatoSandwiches · 19/05/2023 18:44

I don't know why he can't take them by himself if he's so concerned about screen time.

I think people are being a bit shitty to you op, you shouldn't have to go out if you don't want to.

Original poster
OffMyChest1 · 19/05/2023 18:44

I do see your points.
Tbh I would probably end up a hermit if I didn't have such an extroverted husband and children.
I will try and come up with a compromise, there are a lot of country fields and walks that I could possibly drive to and do a very short walk.

I am working on all aspects of my health, it's a very slow process though unfortunately.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/05/2023 18:45

I have little to no relationship with my mother these days as an adult in my early 40s, because she refused to do or join in with anything outwith her comfort zone (or basically anything she didn't like).

I find that very strange. Many parents don't share their children's love of football or gaming, or join in the activity, and it certainly doesn't ruin the relationship. I feel like something else must have been going on there.

AffIt · 19/05/2023 18:47

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/05/2023 18:45

I have little to no relationship with my mother these days as an adult in my early 40s, because she refused to do or join in with anything outwith her comfort zone (or basically anything she didn't like).

I find that very strange. Many parents don't share their children's love of football or gaming, or join in the activity, and it certainly doesn't ruin the relationship. I feel like something else must have been going on there.

Nope, nothing else, my mother is just a bit of a pampered princess type who was pretty horrified that her daughters weren't pampered princesses and like ponies / dogs / mud / tractors, rather than sitting around painting their nails or occasionally going clothes shopping.

Hippies bred punks and all that.

MrsDoylesDoily · 19/05/2023 18:49

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/05/2023 18:45

I have little to no relationship with my mother these days as an adult in my early 40s, because she refused to do or join in with anything outwith her comfort zone (or basically anything she didn't like).

I find that very strange. Many parents don't share their children's love of football or gaming, or join in the activity, and it certainly doesn't ruin the relationship. I feel like something else must have been going on there.

I had a great relationship with my mum but I resented her for never coming to the park/countryside walks/the seaside when I was little.

It was always my dad's 'job'.

And 'job' is how she made it feel by not coming.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/05/2023 18:51

MrsDoylesDoily · 19/05/2023 18:49

I had a great relationship with my mum but I resented her for never coming to the park/countryside walks/the seaside when I was little.

It was always my dad's 'job'.

And 'job' is how she made it feel by not coming.

Show quote history

Perhaps your father was not helpful in any other way and that's the only thing he would willingly do so she could have a break?

Original poster
OffMyChest1 · 19/05/2023 18:54

Just to add, I do A LOT with my kids. I take them places, arrange play dates, I take them to visit their cousins and grandparents, I do baking, arts and crafts, I game with my eldest etc, we do a lot. Just the outdoors regular walking that I really struggle with.

OP posts: