AIBU for refusing to go for a walk

[OffMyChest1]

But of background here, I (f36) have a few health issues, mental health issues which means I’m agoraphobic, it’s not so bad when I’m forced out somewhere like work (I work full time shift work) or somewhere I have to take the kids (I have two young ones under 10) but when I have no ‘reason’ it can be bad.
I also have physical health concerns, I’m in pain most of the time, albeit mild for the majority of the time. Walking too far hurts both my hips and my back and the pain can last for days. I’ve even just bought special pillows for my heck and hips to try and reduce the everyday pain.

Leaving my house on my day off is basically the very last thing I want to do.
My husband (m35) is a bit of a fitness nut, he will take our eldest on hikes for miles, they did 10 miles once (keep in mind my eldest is only 8 now and youngest is 4)

We live a couple of miles from a nice lake and he’s been asking for the last year for us all to go on a walk to his area, im always saying no.
We just had an argument about it, he doesn’t want us all sitting inside watching screens on a nice spring day (we’re in the uk) and thinks it’s unfair he takes the kids out on long walks alone but he just can’t understand why I’m always saying no.
AIBU here?

OP I had a catastrophic breakdown. I was on valium to break up 5 day long panic attacks.

This book changed my life and I wonder if it'll help you too? Audiobook was easier to absorb as I struggle to focus and read.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Nobody-Told-This-Before/dp/0241529719

This is an excellent book!

I have this book on my shelf, I've not read it yet though.

Thank you, i will look into this book.

The thing is there are people out there with genuine mental health issues, depression and anxiety who have been diagnosed and seeking treatment and help, But there is a large percentage of people who haven't and they detract from those genuine cases.

We don't allow our children to be anxious we tell them they're suffering from anxiety, no they aren't!

We don't allow them to be sad, we tell them they are suffering from depression, no they aren't they are sad about a situation.

Re above message, sorry, the book wasn't aimed at me, misread the post.

Fresh air does you good and getting out together as a family. Have you thought about using a wheelchair or disability scooter? It's not healthy to be in the house so much.

And there are a huge amount of people who are not diagnosed. Who are suffering but don't seek help, who are to afraid, too anxious, TOO BLOODY PANDERED TO... and then they read posts like yours. Kids who clam up and don't talk about their feelings, men who bottle things up and don't seek help and take their lives, people suffering in silence BECAUSE of their illness. People are DYING and here you are are spouting your shite. I really hope nobody who is really having a hard time and for whatever reason are not speaking up reads your posts

So anyone is is not yet diagnosed is detracted from people who are?? I just can't with you...

Well it's a free country. Even assholes can read and are welcome to have books

😊

This shows that you are fighting your demons in order to ensure your children don’t miss out. So based on this your not being unreasonable to not join in other activities which aren’t for you.

Why thank you. I'll put it on my list.

Are you seeing a physio or OT to help with the back/hip pain? My friend found an amazing sports physio and it made a massive difference to her hip and back pain, and greatly improved her mobility.

The best thing you can do for your health is get outside and get some fresh air and exercise. Going for a walk doesn't need to be a hike and the more often you go out, the easier it will become. If not, you are just going to get much worse.

Put this one on your list too, it will serve you well.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Not-Be-Dick-Etiquette/dp/1936976021/ref=sr_1_3?crid=ZQI2S310T1L3&keywords=how+not+to+be+an+arsehole+book&qid=1684526294&sprefix=how+not+to+be+an+arsehole+b%2Caps%2C1159&sr=8-3

Thank you, any more?

I would get your vitamin d levels checked, if you're deficient that coupled with agoraphobia could explain your pain and it's a fairly easy fix

Anxiety and avoidance are best friends. I feel for you but if you want to reduce your ‘phobia’ you will need to exposure yourself to the situations that make you feel anxious. Driving as opposed to walking to the lake feels like a good compromise especially if you are in pain. Could you go for 30 mins the first time then gradually increase it? If your DH has been asking for a year then going a couple of times over the summer doesn’t feel that much of a burden? Try and step back from all or nothing thinking and find compromises.. you might end up enjoying it!

I wouldn't see you as being unreasonable at all. Is it an option to give up work and your partner work with only leaving you free to make the "reason" (relative to your struggles) to focus on the outings instead of work? It seems like you're under pressure to be this breadwinner role, too when with adjustments, maybe he could be the breadwinner and would leave you more "spoons" to focus on outings? Rooting for you anyway x

Do a compromise that you are comfortable with. People who haven’t experienced how you feel can’t understand. It would be good to take little steps like you said, you don’t want to be a hermit but you’re not ready for what he’s insisting on. Hopefully a compromise and little by little, you can progress!

as well as arthritis and osteoporosis running strongly in my family

Do you actually have these arthritis or osteoporosis? Most of us have these conditions in our families. My mother in particular is shrinking before my eyes, and I know it is stressful. But I don't yet have osteoporosis, and about the worst thing someone in their thirties can do if they want to avoid osteoporosis is to avoid weight bearing exercise.

YANBU in my opinion. Why does it have to be long walks? Why not a picnic and short walk? Then you're outdoors, you're together and you are not in pain.

The family walks thing is self perpetuating. I hated going for walks as a kid but I was dragged out. When I had my own DC I still hated it but dragged them out in the same way, because it is 'good for you'. They hated it too. No doubt they will drag their DC out for walks too, if they have them, and so it goes on.

What we enjoyed more was going to National Trust parks where there were benches to sit on, woodland to explore, tree stumps to balance on etc. it would be easier in your hips and back.

I know what agoraphobia feels like. I think if it’s affecting your family life it’s time to speak to your GP.

Yes, I agree

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Essential-Help-Your-Nerves-Overcome/dp/0722540132/ref=pd_lpo_sccl_2/257-7544394-6705149?pd_rd_w=IZhA2&content-id=amzn1.sym.efc89c20-c5a9-4620-b6cd-2f4e51bac956&pf_rd_p=efc89c20-c5a9-4620-b6cd-2f4e51bac956&pf_rd_r=7HFWZQMBZV71A635SHQ5&pd_rd_wg=O8KSB&pd_rd_r=1400e27e-89a7-4fd6-94c1-685f618677c1&pd_rd_i=0722540132&psc=1

This is a great book by Claire Weekes, all her books are relevant to anxiety and especially agoraphobia, even though they are old now- explains why and how to overcome it. Seeing the dr for a chat is also an option as is meds to help in the short-term.

What is great about Claire Weekes is she explains how to cope when the anxiety rises when you are out, she also has audiobooks which are very old-fashioned as she has a plummy Australian voice. It explains exactly why staying in is worse and how anyone can recover from 'nerves' or agoraphobia, however mild or severe. Good luck OP!

Defo need to find a compromise for the benefit of the whole family.