‘He’s so bright but he just won’t work’

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If he was ‘so bright’ then he’d know he needs to work to get results.

The ‘clever but won’t work’ thing is trotted about so many DC, but it’s self defeating. DC worry that if they did work hard but dont’t get Grade As, what then? So they don’t work, and keep the myth of their cleverness alive.

Meanwhile parents convince themselves their children are ‘very bright’ but [x excuse]. It all leads to poor mental health in teens as the myth and the outcome diverge.

AIBU?

It’s not about training for a job - it’s about the DC growing up with good mental health. Not being scared of having their ‘brightness’ challenged by doing actual results-based work.

A pp nailed it above - about how it becomes a problem for resilience. DSs in particular don’t want to try and then fail. So it becomes an impediment to trying.

As I said, I believe nearly all DC are ‘bright’ and talented.

I disagree.

I've coasted all my life. Last minute cramming, procrastinate the hell out of everything. Still manage to turn it in. High earner in a 'big' job. Hence me being on mn now instead of getting on with the report I need to write.

Maybe he want to be a bricklayer when he leaves school ? 🙂

This is me. I fell down at uni although managed a decent degree, and now am doing an MSc and struggling being the dumbest in the room (which I hate, but it is what it is). Im taking the experience as helping me grow, being humble and putting the work in. I just want to pass really.

I peaked at 11, was told the sun shone out of my bum/had never had to try hard in primary and then secondary school was a shock. So I had in my head that I was bright as I'd always been top of the class and I quickly realised I was actually merely average compared to a larger group of peers. That still smarts! I'm stilll convinced I'm a misunderstood genius😂My youngest struggles academically but his trajectory has gone the other way, probably as he's really had to work from day one, whereas I just coasted and learned too late how to really apply myself.

My ADHD child is very bright.

Ah the teachers sat he has the capacity for GCSEs at 8 or 9 grades. Have predicted him 5s and 6s because they think he just won't learn the content he needs too.

Just sat his mocks. One 7. One 4. The rest ungraded.

There's literally nothing I can do, but I understand the frustrations of other parents who's children have all the potential, but don't achieve what they could.

I think it's because we've all been in that situation where our boss/supervisor/whoever has been a total numpty, yet we have to abide by their terms because they are currently more qualified on paper, and know how frustrating that can be. And this will be the future for our child unless they focus. The brightest in the room, in the lowest role with the worst pay, because they couldn't just apply themselves when it mattered.

Because his adhd won't let him he probably won't even get average marks and is destined to fail this could be avoided if the school actually got him help and support but because he isnt kicking off or "being a problem" they leave him too it

Its jot a myth though.
I used to be like that. Never had to work for school, always had too grades. Then went to uni and just dropped like crazy. Bu that point ive never learnt how to study and tbh i also really didnt fee like it because i just preferred to go out 🤷🏻‍♀️
I was “clever” enough to still pass everything imortant, but I could have done much better if i did put in the work.

Sorry, but you are talking shit. Many people I know don't work, they get away with it, and certainly no mental health issues.

I was one of those kids. I was always really good academically until I hit 14/15 then I got a boyfriend and friends who were a bit more rebellious and it all went down hill. I left school with highers but didn’t do anywhere near as well as I should have. Went to uni- did a course that was easy but also pretty much guaranteed me a job at the end. I really could have done something more challenging but never did then life got in the way and i’m still in the same job and understimulated. But I can’t change career paths now as it works for childcare and pays enough.

If he was ‘so bright’ then he’d know he needs to work to get results.

YABU.

First all, bright kids do know what they need to do to 'get results', but that doesn't mean they care about getting results. 'Bright' and 'ambitious' are not the same thing. Not everyone has the same priorities. Just because a parent's happiness hinges on them getting great marks, that doesn't mean a child's does.

Secondly, just because someone's bright, that doesn't mean they necessarily want a career that requires academic prowess, and if that's the case there's no reason they should put a lot of work into achieving qualifications for the sake of it.

Thirdly, kids who are very bright but 'won't work' often don't need to work much at all to get results anyway.

Clever, but not willing to proofread 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh OP, of course YABU. You can be clever and have any number of reasons why you don’t do ‘well’ - applies to adults aswell!

Your son sounds amazing ☺️

But I despair at a school that would award 102%. That doesn't even make sense!

I have a bright but lazy dd. Does just enough to get what she wants; ie wanted to go to an independent school for the 6th form. She worked a bit for the scholarship, but then literally did no work for her GCSEs (opened one text book once, and it remained open on the same page for the duration of the exams), she got a few A*, a few As and to her horror a couple of Bs.

Did little work in the 6th form (but still got offers from decent universities, such as Durham, St Andrews etc), was a bit miffed that school wouldn’t let her try for Oxbridge because of her less than brilliant exam results, did some work from beginning of the summer term, aced her A levels, decided on a year out to apply to Oxford, got in with no help from the school, happily cruised along a uni ( tbh the tutorial system really suited her, proper deadlines for submitting work, having to discuss it in great detail), many of her friends were shocked at how little work she did.

She now has a good job, which thankfully is deadline driven, so no room for her inherent laziness.

I suppose this does prove that you do have to work to get results, but dd certainly does the bare minimum.

I strongly believe that some of these kids need to work a minimum wage manual job to understand the value of pushing yourself academically. If you’ve spent 10 hours of your Saturday on your feet washing dishes for a pittance, and someone puts it to you that you could spend the next 50 years of your life grafting, or you could have a much easier ride off the back of a little effort now, the penny can drop

This is the trope that I was hit with, constantly.

Saving you the long story around how it all came about I was constantly accused of laziness and arrogance.

Turns out it was adhd and was only diagnosed as an adult, albeit almost twenty years ago. Nowadays medication and support has led to a very successful family life and career, outwardly. What is not obvious to the casual observer is the suicidal thoughts, self loathing and abuse that came before I managed to understand that this wasn't a character flaw of mine or my ignorant parents.

It's ADHD

Thw theory you're describing is "growth mindset". Carol Dweck put forward a very influential theory that emphasising Intrinsic "brightness" is damaging to children because they don't control it, and therefore children told they're "bright" can begin to actively avoid any kind of challenge because they're afraid it will reveal they are not "bright". Whereas emphasising learning and improvement through work, error, and effort supports better resilience. Every skill is ultimately an acquired one. It's very influential in education circles now.

I was a coaster in school because I could come top with very little work. Getting into Oxbridge was the making of me, because suddenly every peer had also been top of the class and coasting didn't cut it any more. I pulled it together, learned discipline and focus and organisation, and smashed it in the end, but I wobbled pretty badly first. It would have done me good to have had to learn some of that earlier in life, but at least I got there in the end.

It's ADHD

Physical work and mental work are two completely different things and someone who doesn't want to study may be perfectly happy doing menial jobs with the added bonus they get paid to do it.

I was another with fear of failing.

I also didn’t have good exam technique or study habits . The perfectionist in me thought I had to know everything 100% to be getting A’s. The more I studied the more I realised I didn’t know enough. I couldn’t see how I’d learn and understand everything

wasn’t until I got to uni I realised that I didn’t have to be memory perfect, and as long as I knew 2 out of 3 topics in good depth I’d be ok in the exam.

computers also made a big difference to perfectionist me as handwriting an essay and finding mistakes would make me give up as well.

This is also likely to be ADHD

Fucking hell can there not be a post on MN without someone jumping in to say it's ADHD/Autism/NPD on limited information.

Take a day off will you.

So much of a genuine ADHD trait - time blindness combined with the need for stimulus to act.