‘He’s so bright but he just won’t work’

[WeightInLine]

If he was ‘so bright’ then he’d know he needs to work to get results.

The ‘clever but won’t work’ thing is trotted about so many DC, but it’s self defeating. DC worry that if they did work hard but dont’t get Grade As, what then? So they don’t work, and keep the myth of their cleverness alive.

Meanwhile parents convince themselves their children are ‘very bright’ but [x excuse]. It all leads to poor mental health in teens as the myth and the outcome diverge.

AIBU?

YABU.

both of mine are bright. Eldest is ahead in everything, great work ethic and smart.

second is described as ‘a little sponge, SO bright’ (by educational professionals) but is behind at school because they’re so distracted and not concentrating. Would rather make jokes and socialise than work, so they do. Unfortunately don’t realise at their age, the impact it will have when they’re older.

so, YABU. Second definitely takes after their father 😉

Sigh.

It's not a thread about you.

Being hardworking or lazy is a character trait not a constituent of IQ.

I was bright but lazy - I got all As for O level and A level and a double first for my degree. I did very little work for O and A levels and just had a good time. Degree I had to work for because we had short terms and 1 essay a week, and you can’t write a good essay at that level without thorough research.

Yes! Looking back it was a huge mistake of mine to put aommuch emphasis on schoolwork. Schoolwork didn't suit my DS and making it so important was really stressful for both of us.

I really should have made developing his other skills more important.

I was bright at school and teachers would be frustrated at my lack of effort to push myself and “achieve my potential”. This then followed into the workplace and for 20+ years bosses have told me they wish I was more ambitious. I have chosen to coast my whole life - happy with Bs at school, a 2:1 degree, and a skilled but not professional career.

I know exactly why I am like it - start amazing people with brilliant work and they will EXPECT it all the time. I have never wanted to be as stressed as to have to live up to everyone’s expectations for brilliance all the time. I choose to give 80%, and stay sane.

I don’t think it’s healthy for parents to expect brilliance and performance from their children all the time as it ALWAYS comes at a cost (stress, mental health, identity crises, perfectionism etc).

Learning a musical instrument is a really good thing for bright kids who find they don't need to revise for exams, you can't be instantly good at playing the clarinet for instance, teaches perseverance and it quite satisfying for kids who haven't had to try very hard at school work

I am spectacularly good at devising fairly original memory techniques and revision systems. At a much older age, I discovered that the revision techniques I invented for my own use fit incredibly well with brain recall functions.

Because I am lazy, intelligent, and don't want to work very hard, I'm good at coming up with systems that mean the minimum effort possible is required.

This is a highly useful career skill for a systems developer - but everyone was busy telling me I should do law!

Yes it teaches patience and perseverance. It’s also very good for your memory.

I was always bright at school. Top 3 in my year. The guy with the highest grades challenged me to beat him at a test if I was so bright. I actually did some study for once, and yeah, I got the higher marks :-)

Being able to apply yourself is a trait that some bright people don't have. I was always happy with a couple of A's, mostly B's and a couple of C's. I COULD have got mostly A's sure, if only I could have been bothered. But I just couldn't. Life was about more than being a bookworm for me. I did the bare minimum to get where I needed to be. Same is true 20 years later. Of course if I want to go up and up at work, I will identify the minimum I need to do in order to do that and execute that plan. For now, I'm content with less work, stress and money. My time is worth more than a few extra £££.

YABU. I was like this. I had no motivation, did very little work and next to no homework then sailed through exams.

But what is 'the work'? Is it the putting in hours of revision, or is it the results? The very brightest don't really revise and still get 8s and 9s. So they have done the work, but not done 'the work'. And there's no point, what would it achieve.

Different in an office job, but I would argue that learning that results matter more then presenteeism is a useful lesson.

Also, as a side note, what the results even are is also open to question. DD's art GCSE a few years ago, in the exam she decided that she could change her piece to get a few more marks, but she preferred it as it was and so went for her own artistic sense. Which is clearly both stupid and admirable.,

@SisterWivesrus you've nailed it.

I don't think I am wrong @WeightInLine. You said If he was ‘so bright’ then he’d know he needs to work to get results and I said if he's getting results he already knows he can get them without doing the work.

I was ‘bright but lazy’, especially as I got to A levels and felt like I’d been at school with my life completely at the mercy of other people’s instructions for a hundred years by then. I have a senior professional job now at which I excel and I absolutely do not work hard. I do lots of things and have lots of qualities that people sometimes use ‘work hard’ as shorthand for, but it’s not working hard. I have a staff member who, when they send me a completed piece of work, I can usually tell they’ve genuinely worked hard to produce it, and I don’t consider it a good thing.

Ha ha yes that is totally me!

It’s so much better to learn the work ethic whilst your young as it’s very hard to change habits once out in the real world.

I’m so grateful my (very bright) Dd does also work very hard. She’ll be much better prepared for the world of work.

My ds is one to whom none of it comes easily but hoping to teach him that he can do it if he puts his mind to it.

My sister was very clever academically, got a place in a grammar school, high achiever, excellent grades, but she hasn’t a clue in the real world, no common sense, always told how clever she was etc..worked a few jobs in a shop for a few hours a week as had a partner support her for years. She’s been in her own for the last 20 years on benefits, as are her children, straight out of school with kids, all claim whatever they can, cares for each other, how does that work? She has never pushed her children to do anything, benefits has become their way of life. She has never used her brain for anything. I was ‘poor old thrown, really dim, bless her’ yet I left school, college, did a degree and held down a really challenging role. So you can be really bright but achieve nothing or you can be not so bright but excel at something if you put your mind to it.

My brother, now in his 50s, was "bright" but bone idle. He was lucky because he got his mojo before he ruined his education. Went from a solid C at best and often D, to a solid B with a few Cs. Even in adults intelligence and sensible actions don't go hand in hand - what makes you think that children grasp how important working hard is when they have other things on their minds? It doesn't make it the case that a child isn't bright just becuse they don't achieve much in education, because there can be many reasons for that.

It's actually bad for everyone to be told they're "talented". If all your ability/self worth comes from something you were born with, what do you do when that's not enough?

Yeah, that’s an issue, especially when they’re not really that bright - ie they might be in the top 2 or 3 at maths in a class of 30, but that’s not really special when applied to a whole national year group of say 500,000 children.

That's great that he's ambitious!

Don't get me wrong my husband has a professional job and earns reasonable money with a brilliant work life balance. But he's not interested in becoming management or switching to windfarm consulting which he could easily do because he doesn't want to!

He could easily be much higher he's very intelligent and picks up complex things on the first pass then remembers them. He just doesn't wish to and enjoys time off more!

I'm the polar opposite and had to work extremely hard to get to my career point and still work extremely hard to keep up with latest aspects etc but my DH is far more chilled and better with the children then I am!

@Weallgottachangesometime

Whether you like it or not, it's manifestly true. And the trouble with pretending otherwise is that children see through the lies. We all knew who the clever kids were, fortunately at my school we didn't force them to hide it.

I don't really understand your point.

My eldest DC is academically capable but doesn't apply himself and so won't reach his academic potential on his current trajectory. These are just objective facts, observed by many of his teachers, and I place no value judgement on them. I do not consider him innately more deserving of success because he is 'bright'.

Also secondary schools are not particularly conducive to learning these days for a lot of children. They are too big and classes sizes are too large.

YABU if you're that bright you don't need to work and can coast through mandatory testing.

This basically.

Plodders tend to be better - they don't tend to have a fear of failure or crushing pressure of expectations and don't get caught out as much when work demands increase with level.

what is manifestly true?