Fiancée doesn’t like my body

[pumpkin23g]

I have lost weight recently (approx. 6 kilos) so I am 2 inches smaller on my waist & hips, bringing my hips down to 38”. Lots of weight loss around face too.

My Fiancée has always loved my body especially my hips, or so I thought.

A few nights ago (on the phone), I had mentioned the 2” loss around my hips/ weight loss generally. He asked if there is now anything left for him to pinch! I said 38” are left and he immediately mentioned that “it’s not enough”, as in my hips are no longer big enough, multiple times. (He is a bottom/ bum kind of man).

I confronted him immediately and he said he didn’t mean it like that &he wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying as he was browsing his phone.

The damage had already been done however and I have been left feeling very insecure and inadequate to the extent that being “not enough” continues to ring in my head, and I cannot fathom any intimacy with him anymore.

We have continued to argue about it, he is apologetic but doesn’t understand how it is a dumpable offence or that it hit me really deep, probably more so than it would most.

I genuinely do not feel confident to continue an intimate relationship with him, and I’m afraid I won’t come back from this or feel comfortable with him again. I suggested not moving forward with this relationship any longer. Am I overreacting? Is this something which is fixable, I feel with my reaction and low self esteem it is something that’ll continue to sabotage our relationship :(

I wouldn't have argued over it. It was just a flippant comment.

Would it have made a difference?? 🥴

Maybe tell him how much it upset you and why. He does sound really supportive. Also get some help to deal with your low self esteem. 💐

If you know that your partner is a bum-man then why draw attention to it at all? I agree with PPs that a 2 inch loss really wouldn't have been a stand-out for him but now you've forced a comment, got an ill-advised one, and are now questioning your relationship?

Really, if you don't want comments, stop inviting them. It really is tiresome. If you genuinely want a view then be prepared to get one.

Good luck to him. Sounds like he's in for a lifetime of treading on eggshells.

To be honest if you're considering ending a relationship over one comment then you need to question if you're in the right place for a marriage.

YANBU

The analogy of the toothpaste that can't be put back in the tube applies here.

At worst, you have a fiance who thinks of you as a body that is available to him, a body that is only acceptable if it comes with certain trim, like a car he's buying.

At best, you have a thoughtless chauvinist on your hands.

If you can't get past this, then you can't get past it. End of.

You don't owe him another chance. Backpeddling on his part can't get that toothpaste back where it should be.

Jesus Christ.

What? Get over it!

You say he is apologetic (which is a good thing) but he doesn't understand. Is he trying to understand or just wants to avoid an argument.

Does he know you had an eating disorder? He seems really insensitive if he did. What did he mean that you needed to regain the weight you'd lost for his benefit?

You've dropped approx.. a dress size and a half - to lose 6 kilos - nearly a stone. approx size 12 UK. Were you expecting him to be pleased or to encourage you or say well done?

I can understand that hearing negative comments like that have upset you, if he'd known your history. However, whether you are over reacting by ending things depends on whether he really didn't mean it negatively, and whether this something you've discussed often between you.
What is his weight situation like? Sometimes people who have never had any difficulty maintaining a slim build just don't understand. Does he want to understand? or is he dismissing it? Do you talk about it a lot? was he indicating that he was bored? Why wouldn't he want you to trim down if it makes you happy? Or was he trying to say he likes you are you are.

It takes a while to lose 6k so have you not seen each other in person? It soundslike he hasn't seen you for ages, or is it that he didn't notice the weight loss.

Weight is such a personal thing and I've found it helps to discuss it with someone who is prepared to encourage you and steer clear of mentioning it with someone who is not, so that you don't derail your progress.

However if you are engaged to this person, you ought to feel comfortable talking to them about these issues and its sad that you don't. It could be a red flag possibly, or maybe just something you need to talk about with him.

Is there anyone you can talk to in real life about this?but there must be some organisations that help people who have had eating disorders in the past who might like some advice on managing their weight and any issues that it raises who could help you put this into perspective..

@Confusion101 not in this context, no. But perhaps OP might like to know in case she uses the word again in a context where it does make a difference?

I genuinely do not feel confident to continue an intimate relationship with him

So don't marry him.

How the hell do women plan to spend a lifetime in a relationship like that.

It was a joke you are reading too much into it

But the fact he was scrolling on his phone while supposed to be chatting to you is horrible

Saying “it’s not enough” to someone who has previously had an eating disorder puts him on dodgy ground, I think. And saying it multiple times makes it even more of a concern.
Only you know how he is generally. If you think this is him showing his true colours, I would reconsider being with him. If he’s genuinely behaved nothing at all like this before, maybe have a frank conversation with him and take it from there.

Sorry I agree with him. He was joking around because he loves your bum. He likely thinks you look perfectly lovely and was just teasing.

Oh, sweetie, my heart goes out to you in this situation.

Your feelings are valid, and no one should make you feel inadequate or insecure about your body. You deserve to be loved and appreciated exactly as you are.

Trust your instincts, my dear, and have faith that you will find the love and happiness you deserve.

It sounds a bit as though your ED has been triggered by the stress of the wedding. I would ask the GP to refer you to a counsellor

Oh god. I wonder what if you are pregnant and going into labour. Your body will change dramatically. Love yourself OP. Love your own body.

I think it's fair enough to be interested in how your partner finds you attractive just before you marry him. It may not seem rational to people in a different position but too bad, you sound completely normal to me. If he goes to the trouble of saying something negative he can deal with the reaction. His words, your reaction.
Maybe you could have told him you don't like something about him, you know, in the nicest possible way (or half-arsed, checking your phone). Then he'd have to deal with it. We could all agree that would be your problem too.

If I were you, I'd stick with how you feel rather than trying to rationalise yourself into thinking/something else. If you don't like it, you don't like it (you don't need mumsnet to tell you whether you like it). You can take whatever action or inaction you like in response to this. You can bide your time, think about it and get over it. Or the opposite. That's the freedom you have. You can do whatever you like.

^ that is terrible advice, not least because it's not clear if anything negative was actually said. It was heard and that is a fact. Recognising feelings and talking about them is hugely important. Acting on them without rationally reflecting on them is a recipe for self-sabotage and regret.

"You can take whatever action or inaction you like in response to this. You can bide your time, think about it and get over it. Or the opposite. That's the freedom you have. You can do whatever you like."

You are being way OTT about it in my opinion.

He clearly likes your body just fine. The comment was flippant and not cute but he apologised and clearly didn’t put too much thought into it.
Be glad he’ll likely not sulk if you happen to regain the weight.

He probably had a fetish for larger women lol

Does he know about your Ed? Maybe he’s concerned or maybe he genuinely didn’t think.