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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fiancée doesn’t like my body

150 replies

pumpkin23g · 19/05/2023 10:25

I have lost weight recently (approx. 6 kilos) so I am 2 inches smaller on my waist & hips, bringing my hips down to 38”. Lots of weight loss around face too.

My Fiancée has always loved my body especially my hips, or so I thought.

A few nights ago (on the phone), I had mentioned the 2” loss around my hips/ weight loss generally. He asked if there is now anything left for him to pinch! I said 38” are left and he immediately mentioned that “it’s not enough”, as in my hips are no longer big enough, multiple times. (He is a bottom/ bum kind of man).

I confronted him immediately and he said he didn’t mean it like that &he wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying as he was browsing his phone.

The damage had already been done however and I have been left feeling very insecure and inadequate to the extent that being “not enough” continues to ring in my head, and I cannot fathom any intimacy with him anymore.

We have continued to argue about it, he is apologetic but doesn’t understand how it is a dumpable offence or that it hit me really deep, probably more so than it would most.

I genuinely do not feel confident to continue an intimate relationship with him, and I’m afraid I won’t come back from this or feel comfortable with him again. I suggested not moving forward with this relationship any longer. Am I overreacting? Is this something which is fixable, I feel with my reaction and low self esteem it is something that’ll continue to sabotage our relationship :(

OP posts:
Donotgogentle · 19/05/2023 11:00

I think you probably need to take a step back and work on your self esteem.

It was a throw away comment, probably meant in a positive way, which has caused you to collapse somehow. And now you don’t feel able to continue a sexual relationship.

I don’t think YABU but I think you have some thinking to do.

Gtsr443 · 19/05/2023 11:05

It's all about intent. Was he intentionally unkind or malicious? Did he want to upset you?
I think you are projecting your self esteem problem on him.

Passerillage · 19/05/2023 11:05

It was clumsy, but it was one of those conversations where he couldn't win anyway. If he had said "Oh that's amazing, I can't wait to have sex with you and admire your lovely, hard-earned 2-inches-smaller-waist-and-hips" you could just as easily have decided to think "OMG he thought I was FAT before and has been repulsed by me all this time."

Unless this is part of a bigger picture of micro-criticisms and him running you down, this is a you thing, not a him thing, I think.

aSofaNearYou · 19/05/2023 11:07

I agree with others, you are blowing a throwaway comment way out of proportion.

I also agree that there's no real way of commenting on your partners weight loss without either making it sound like you preferred them before or thought they were fat before.

Scoobyblue · 19/05/2023 11:09

Men (and women for that matter) say stupid things all the time. It sounds like he wasn't malicious and he has apologised. If you can't get over it, then maybe you should move on but I do think that you need to learn to forgive and forget a bit.

Thoughtful2355 · 19/05/2023 11:11

i think your trying to make a drama out of it. Making a mountain out of a mole hill as they say.

He made a stupid comment as it was obvious you were feeling good about it and he should have been supportive BUT he was only saying that he liked your body, not that he wont like it if your smaller .... my husband likes me when im chubby BUT he also knows im losing weight for my health so he accepts it, is sad to see the chubb go but also loves me and my body anyway

Baconking · 19/05/2023 11:13

The title of your thread is not what happened at all.
If you don't want him to mention your body then don't discuss weight and inch loss with him. I doubt he could care any less really and was just trying to say something that sounded like he loves you as you are.
This obviously backfired on him, yes, dump him and let him move on with someone who doesn't take a 2" comment to heart

cocksstrideintheevening · 19/05/2023 11:19

2" so an inch a side so half an inch if looking from front / back. He probably wouldn't even have noticed.

You need to work on your self esteem

MiniCooperLover · 19/05/2023 11:20

It's probably just as well you are thinking of ending the relationship, your marriage would be a disaster if you are genuinely considering ending an engagement over such a ridiculous comment. You started the conversation about your weight loss, what did you want him to say?

moose62 · 19/05/2023 11:21

I think you have really over reacted!
Are you looking for a way out of this relationship? You don't need to find a reason to blame him if you want to move on. His comment was silly and he says he wasn't concentrating but I would be worried, if I was him, how you would react to other things!

AmyDudley · 19/05/2023 11:21

I would advise him to rethink the relationship, because if you are that sensitive about what was a throw away remark and not in fact particularly unkind, then he is in for a life time of walking on egg shells around you and that is a miserable way to live.

Dedodee · 19/05/2023 11:22

Slow Friday at work?
Bet this thread disappears soon.
A but like OP’s 2 inches!

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 19/05/2023 11:22

Absolute madness.

MargotBamborough · 19/05/2023 11:23

What is your BMI, OP?

Are you trying to lose weight for your wedding?

If you were a perfectly healthy weight before, this might be his way of telling you you're getting a bit too thin.

Prettylittleroses · 19/05/2023 11:24

Blimey.

Hankunamatata · 19/05/2023 11:26

It was a throw away comment, chill.

Atishoos · 19/05/2023 11:27

Is he Adonis himself? The cheeky fkr.

Even if it was a throwaway remark, it has cut you to the quick. If you feel that your body image (to him) is never going to work on an intimate basis, I don't see how you can sort it out in your head.

If you can, fine. If not move on.

gannett · 19/05/2023 11:31

Cannot stand people who talk about weight loss because there's no polite answer, and if they're talking about it in public it tends to mean they're so fixated and insecure that they'll take whatever you say in the most negative way. If you say they look nice, it'll be "oh you thought I looked fat before", if you say they looked good anyway then you're not recognising their "achievement" or some such bollocks.

Please just stop talking and stop thinking so much about your bloody weight. Be more interesting.

UsingChangeofName · 19/05/2023 11:33

He said "it's not enough" - it was his honest gut feeling, and he's trying to retract it now.

Yes, he said "there's not enough of her" after OP has put him on the spot about her weight loss, and he was trying to say there is nothing wrong with her as she is. He's not saying the weight loss isn't enough.

A few nights ago (on the phone), I had mentioned the 2” loss around my hips/ weight loss generally. He asked if there is now anything left for him to pinch! I said 38” are left and he immediately mentioned that “it’s not enough”, as in my hips are no longer big enough, multiple times.

As explained by a few posters, whatever he replied could be interpreted as a bad comment, if that's the spin the OP wants to put on it, but most of us are hearing an attempt by the poor bloke to say I love you as you are.

Confusion101 · 19/05/2023 11:33

And now I understand why my OH never replies when I mention I'm unhappy with my body... It is a lose lose situation! Agree with PP who said if he had said omg wow you look amazing it could be taken up that he didn't like it before.

Ultimately, you need to get a love for your own body!! If you love your own body and how you feel in it, comments like this wouldn't have such a massive baring on you, speaking from experience!

Merangutan · 19/05/2023 11:33

There’s a standing joke: ‘does my bum look big in this?’ Most men are told never to say yes or to imply that they’d prefer smaller. Yours is truthfully saying he doesn’t care if you gain weight - I’d be happy if he said that to me - he can’t win!

strawberry2017 · 19/05/2023 11:34

By mentioning it to him you opened up the conversation, but I think you have over reacted to his response.
It looks like you are looking for a reason to be annoyed with him.
Men don't think about weight the way women do.

Irisheyesareshining · 19/05/2023 11:34

Wow, you are massively over reacting . Maybe you need to look at your relationship in general .

ScrollingLeaves · 19/05/2023 11:35

I think you need to see a counsellor.

You should not have been telling him how many inches you lost in the first place.

Of course he felt pushed into saying something and he couldn’t win. If he’d said that was wonderful you might have said he had thought you were too far before.

As it was he gave a reassuring answer meaning that he’d loved you as you were anyway.

You would be too exhausting to live with if your self esteem continues to be so low imo.

Mari9999 · 19/05/2023 11:38

OP, you brought up the topic. He very well may not have noticed the loss of an inch or two had you not mentioned it.

If you were not prepared for an honest response, you should not have raised the topic. You may be losing inches, but you need to work on gaining some self confidence.

Insecurity and lack of self confidence are not particularly endearing attributes .