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Original poster

Fiancée doesn’t like my body

150 replies

pumpkin23g · 19/05/2023 10:25

I have lost weight recently (approx. 6 kilos) so I am 2 inches smaller on my waist & hips, bringing my hips down to 38”. Lots of weight loss around face too.

My Fiancée has always loved my body especially my hips, or so I thought.

A few nights ago (on the phone), I had mentioned the 2” loss around my hips/ weight loss generally. He asked if there is now anything left for him to pinch! I said 38” are left and he immediately mentioned that “it’s not enough”, as in my hips are no longer big enough, multiple times. (He is a bottom/ bum kind of man).

I confronted him immediately and he said he didn’t mean it like that &he wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying as he was browsing his phone.

The damage had already been done however and I have been left feeling very insecure and inadequate to the extent that being “not enough” continues to ring in my head, and I cannot fathom any intimacy with him anymore.

We have continued to argue about it, he is apologetic but doesn’t understand how it is a dumpable offence or that it hit me really deep, probably more so than it would most.

I genuinely do not feel confident to continue an intimate relationship with him, and I’m afraid I won’t come back from this or feel comfortable with him again. I suggested not moving forward with this relationship any longer. Am I overreacting? Is this something which is fixable, I feel with my reaction and low self esteem it is something that’ll continue to sabotage our relationship :(

OP posts:
roarfeckingroarr · 19/05/2023 13:21

Two inches off 38" is not making much difference, so I strongly doubt he now doesn't like your body. Weird post.

Goodread1 · 19/05/2023 13:25

@Gtsr443
I agree with your comment,

You made a very interesting and insightful emotionally intelligent comment, !

I was about to come on here and make same kind of observation, comment aswell,

Niveaprincess · 19/05/2023 13:29

I think the responses you've had here would be very different if he'd have said to you that you need to lose more weight.

So, in that sense...it's not nice to be told you're too fat or too thin.

But surely this is not a massive deal?

Meili04 · 19/05/2023 13:30

Lol my DH says he likes me at 62kg. I'm 58 I just tell him to shut up, I don't micromanage his weight. Don't let it bother you.

BrokenWing · 19/05/2023 13:32

He knows I struggle with my body image (previously felt very “fat”), and he has always tried to reassure me.

That is your problem. You need to work on it, not work on his fairly reasonable and honest response to a question that seems to have been designed to trip him up. If you are going to blow out of perspective answers to questions about your body, then don't ask them!

Axahooxa · 19/05/2023 13:33

I’m wondering if this is a possibility:

You were talking a lot about your weight loss. He wasn’t interested (not a bad thing if this is the case) and was scrolling through his phone.

You asked him is it not enough?
He replied ‘not enough’ without even listening to the question, as he’d zoned out.
(I’ve done this)
Then your reaction startled him out of scrolling- he paid attention- he was honest that he was just in his phone and not listening.

Dazedandbemused0 · 19/05/2023 13:36

He was probably not really paying attention while at the same time attempting to be complimentary and emphasise how much weight you’ve lost while also at the same time trying to show you that he loved you as you were previously. You’re being a hit of a dick to massively blow this up and be such a drama llama about it. Such a non issue.

Goodread1 · 19/05/2023 13:40

Hi @pumpkin23g

I would seriously look into addressing low self esteem, past traumas of dysfunctional family childhood background of emotional abuse,
extremely toxic abusive past relationship with your former ex partner, who further wrecked, destroyed your fragile identity, self esteem, from having shitty dysfunctional family dynamics, as a child,
also any other traumas, in the mix too,

Preferably have a therapist who ideally specialises in whatever traumas,you need support, help to start to heal from,

Your main first mumsnet thread op@pumpkin23g

to be honest and frank screamed , past history of traumas, sabotaging yourself, your happiness and future relationships,

remember you deserve to have much better self esteem, it's your birth right, !

don't allow this self sabotaging to continue,
as you frankly deserve better, and deserved a lot better, so much more in the past too. !

JennyJenny8675309 · 19/05/2023 13:40

🙄

Londisc · 19/05/2023 13:41

I've lost 2 inches off my hips.
Oh well done! That's great, bet you look really good!
ARE YOU SAYING I DIDN'T LOOK GOOD BEFORE?! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LIKED BIG HIPS! THAT'S IT THE WEDDING IS OFF!

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 19/05/2023 13:44

Everyone is saying how it’s better that he wants you bigger rather than smaller, but “chubby chasers” can be just as toxic with their fetishes as men who want skinamalinks…

MintJulia · 19/05/2023 13:45

brunettemic · 19/05/2023 10:37

This isn’t the reason you want to end the relationship, if you want to stop making silly excuses like this and address the real reasons.

This.

You marry someone because they are your best friend, you know them better than anyone else on the planet and trust them implicitly.

If this was true, you'd know he was just kidding, that is was just a throw away remark. Yet you're prepared to throw away 40 years of life together on one clumsy comment ! There has to be more to it than that.

adriftinadenofvipers · 19/05/2023 13:49

Surely there's more to you than an arse??!

LivC19 · 19/05/2023 13:54

You’re blowing it out of proportion and sound a little insecure tbh OP. My husband is vocal about liking my body when it’s a size or even two bigger. But then I am vocal about how much I fancy him when he’s been to the gym recently. It doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate and fancy each other when we’re both skinnier. I actually find it refreshing being with someone who makes me feel beautiful when I’ve put on weight and feel a bit crap about it.

I’d just make it clear to him how it makes you feel when he comments negatively on your appearance so it never happens again. He probably didn’t realise it’d offend as I think it’s well known to never say someone is too fat but maybe he doesn’t realise this also applies to saying they’ve not got enough fat on them.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/05/2023 13:57

It seems a very insignificant remark to get so upset about. You can’t fathom having sex? Really? It is just a tiny comment that you are reading far too much in to. Marriage is full of comments like that ‘not sure about those jeans on you’ ‘I prefer you with some meat on your Bones’ ‘You’re eating for England tonight’. If you take everything so literally you’ll be arguing a every day. It’s all just chit-chat between two people, don’t get so offended. Surely you have preferences to the way he looks? The way he dresses?

foulksmills · 19/05/2023 13:59

He's probably worried about the financial pressure of you having to buy a whole new wardrobe based on your completely and totally and unrecognisably new shape. I mean, all your previous clothes will be far too huge on you, you'll be swimming in them!

Confusion101 · 19/05/2023 14:01

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 19/05/2023 13:44

Everyone is saying how it’s better that he wants you bigger rather than smaller, but “chubby chasers” can be just as toxic with their fetishes as men who want skinamalinks…

Omg I dont think his comment makes him a "chubby chaser" at all. Christ....
If he said nothing: omg he doesn't think it's enough, he's not interested in me anymore.
If he said "well done you look great": omg he hated my body before hand
If he said "aw you didn't need to do lose anything": omg he mustnt like my new body
There is absolutely NO right comment to make if the person you are talking to does not like their own body and is relying on others to feel good. Nobody can say anything right in that situation!!

ChocChipHandbag · 19/05/2023 14:08

I thought from the title you must be a man or a lesbian.

It's fiancé for men. A fiancée is female.

Selfietaker · 19/05/2023 14:11

I'd be out of the relationship because he scrolls on his phone while talking to you! His remarks were dickish - it wasn't his finest hour.

Does he still find you attractive?

Booklover40 · 19/05/2023 14:14

RestingMurderousFace · 19/05/2023 10:41

Presumably there’s more to you than the circumference of your arse?

🤣🤣🤣

LetItGoHome · 19/05/2023 14:23

Selfietaker · 19/05/2023 14:11

I'd be out of the relationship because he scrolls on his phone while talking to you! His remarks were dickish - it wasn't his finest hour.

Does he still find you attractive?

Seriously!? My husband would have divorced me many times if phone scrolling is a dumping offence. Surely we all do it on occasions.

Ohnohedident · 19/05/2023 14:24

Let it go. (and be glad he is the kind of guy that is not in to rakes like so many are)

Killingmytime · 19/05/2023 14:26

Op in nicest way i really think you do need to get help with this.
it doesn't sound like your dp can win no matter what he says.
it sounds like you want a way out, if you do that’s your right, but be honest.

LivC19 · 19/05/2023 14:28

Confusion101 · 19/05/2023 14:01

Omg I dont think his comment makes him a "chubby chaser" at all. Christ....
If he said nothing: omg he doesn't think it's enough, he's not interested in me anymore.
If he said "well done you look great": omg he hated my body before hand
If he said "aw you didn't need to do lose anything": omg he mustnt like my new body
There is absolutely NO right comment to make if the person you are talking to does not like their own body and is relying on others to feel good. Nobody can say anything right in that situation!!

Show quote history

In this case, the OP and her partner need a rule of not commenting on each other’s appearance.

Sissynova · 19/05/2023 14:32

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 19/05/2023 13:44

Everyone is saying how it’s better that he wants you bigger rather than smaller, but “chubby chasers” can be just as toxic with their fetishes as men who want skinamalinks…

2 inches is really not that much, its not noticeable to other people in clothes.
OP has a BMI of 21, he's nor force feeding her lard and ice cream to keep her 300lbs.
Chubby chase FFS get a grip.

If he said he preferred her now it would be just as easy for OP to complain about him and how she has to lose weight to keep him happy.

The poor bloke can't win.