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AIBU?

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Original poster

Fiancée doesn’t like my body

150 replies

pumpkin23g · 19/05/2023 10:25

I have lost weight recently (approx. 6 kilos) so I am 2 inches smaller on my waist & hips, bringing my hips down to 38”. Lots of weight loss around face too.

My Fiancée has always loved my body especially my hips, or so I thought.

A few nights ago (on the phone), I had mentioned the 2” loss around my hips/ weight loss generally. He asked if there is now anything left for him to pinch! I said 38” are left and he immediately mentioned that “it’s not enough”, as in my hips are no longer big enough, multiple times. (He is a bottom/ bum kind of man).

I confronted him immediately and he said he didn’t mean it like that &he wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying as he was browsing his phone.

The damage had already been done however and I have been left feeling very insecure and inadequate to the extent that being “not enough” continues to ring in my head, and I cannot fathom any intimacy with him anymore.

We have continued to argue about it, he is apologetic but doesn’t understand how it is a dumpable offence or that it hit me really deep, probably more so than it would most.

I genuinely do not feel confident to continue an intimate relationship with him, and I’m afraid I won’t come back from this or feel comfortable with him again. I suggested not moving forward with this relationship any longer. Am I overreacting? Is this something which is fixable, I feel with my reaction and low self esteem it is something that’ll continue to sabotage our relationship :(

OP posts:
neilyoungismyhero · 19/05/2023 11:38

Surely it was just a bit of a jokey remark..we're all very different but if that had been said to me I'd have told him to suck it up or ship out. I think you're reading far too much into his remark - being this sensitive must be hard work.

ShinyShite · 19/05/2023 11:39

Well done on the weight loss.

I’d be more annoyed that your fiancé was focussed on his phone and not your conversation, to be honest.

However, what he said was clearly a throwaway comment, not worthy of being taken apart and deeply analysed so YABU to fixate on it.

If you suffer from low self esteem generally, this is what you actually need to deal with. It sounds to me like maybe you’re twisting things that others say to prove a negative to yourself and that’s incredibly unhealthy. Any relationship you enter into is doomed until you fix this aspect of your mindset first.

I don’t know if people can switch from having a ‘glass half full’ mentality, but if you can learn to filter out the pointless crap and focus on positive thinking, you’ll be far happier generally. Try reading a few self help books and I also recommend trying hypnosis to help re-programme your brain into a positive thinking mode, so your first thoughts aren’t automatically focussing on the negative.

amusedbush · 19/05/2023 11:47

You brought up the fact that you've lost some weight - I'd bet money that he wouldn't have noticed a 2" difference in your hips if you hadn't brought it up.

"Is there anything left to pinch?" is just one of these silly comments people make when someone has lost weight, like "you're fading away" or "there will be nothing left of you at this rate". Nobody means it literally.

MuggedByTheSleepThief · 19/05/2023 11:48

Sissynova · 19/05/2023 10:44

So he basically says he is happy with you being slightly bigger and no doubt if he said he preferred you smaller you would also launch into a rant about how much pressure he was putting on you, how hard it is to maintain a lower weight, how you shouldn't have to do that to please him etc etc.
The man can't win.

This level of reaction over a comment like this, ending an engagement and moving out signifies an extreme level of insecurity from you.
It sounds like actually you aren't ready for marriage.

I agree. Have a think about your reaction here and how this level of emotion attached to a harmless perhaps thoughtless comment at worst and a kind, body positive and encouraging comment at best, may play out going forward. It sounds like a potentially febrile place to live, where in fairness he won’t know where the land mines are.

Dreamstate · 19/05/2023 11:53

Even if its a bit clumsy he apologised, why didn't you just accept the apology. Instead you've just massively overreacted. Its so harmless and for you to not even accept his apology and move on is in my opinion a bit odd.

No-one is ever perfect all the time and always says the right thing in the right words.

PhyllisFogg · 19/05/2023 11:54

I'd end the relationship.

Losing weight was a healthy step, surely.

If he doesn't understand that, he's an arse.

He's also an arse for saying he liked you larger.

Where will this all end? Criticing clothes, hair, make up?

38andtrying · 19/05/2023 11:54

sounds like you are looking for a problem and this isn't the actual issue!

User63847484848 · 19/05/2023 11:55

Tbh I think it’s nice he liked you as you were before and I’m sure still does now, a couple of inches all the way round isn’t going to make masses of difference!!

Stravaig · 19/05/2023 12:03

I don't really understand why you were talking to him about exact inches off specific parts of your body - unless it was a joint training plan or something? It's a very objectifying way to talk about yourself to a partner.

What response did you want or expect from him? What would have been a good thing for him to say? If you can figure that out, it might help you understand your own upset, and whether your expectations of him are reasonable and fair. (They're not.)

Your fiancé likes the squishy squeezable sensation of plump flesh. He's allowed to, and it's really not okay to make him feel bad about that. Going on about it is only teaching him he can't be honest with you, that he must lie in future. It's not a very healthy approach to relationship.

Original poster
pumpkin23g · 19/05/2023 12:07

MargotBamborough · 19/05/2023 11:23

What is your BMI, OP?

Are you trying to lose weight for your wedding?

If you were a perfectly healthy weight before, this might be his way of telling you you're getting a bit too thin.

My BMI is 21.64! I think between 20-25 is healthy so I’m doing OK!

Weight loss is for wedding AND health!

I appreciate these comments, even the tough love ones! I do suffer with low self esteem and body image issues, he has never been malicious or made me feel unattractive before this.

I just can’t kick the excessive fear of hearing “it’s not enough” in my head forever!

OP posts:
38andtrying · 19/05/2023 12:09

It sounds like he is trying to be nice and ensure you dont have confidence issues, that you know he loves you as you are and you dont need to lose weight, instead you have taken opposite from it and are behaving downright childishly and cruel. It is like how men say to their wives I like you without makeup on, it is to make us feel less sh!t, take it as a compliment and move on, keep losing weight and do what you want to do and seriously get over it.

neveradullmoment99 · 19/05/2023 12:12

I really wouldn't worry. Once you have been married as long as me, you will have yoyo'd all the way through! After pregnancy, after stress, during menopause. Its a flash in the pan! Ive been skinny, been slim, plump, now overweight!

standardduck · 19/05/2023 12:12

It was a silly comment, but I think you are overreacting massively. Especially if it's just one off.

It doesn't sound like he meant it in any malicious way. It sounds more like your self esteem is very low.

Let it go and well done on your weight loss.

Goodread1 · 19/05/2023 12:15

My first thought, was to look at addressing your body issue insecurities and low self esteem @pumpkin23g

Why does it depend, hinge on whoever you are seeing ,in a relationship wise,?

Your self esteem should never depend on what someone thinks of you ,

otherwise you are at someone mercy, mood swings ,insecurities like a puppet on a string,

it's very precariously situation to be in emotionally,

no good whatever for you,

trust your instinct on how you feel on this one longer term too,

First of all where are your insecurities coming from,?
from past as in past relationships, or dysfunctional family background/or family member, past trauma unresolved?

Nordicrain · 19/05/2023 12:15

YABU. It wasn't a great comment, for which he's apologised, but you are totally overreacting. Carrying on arguing, "the damage is done", "dumpable offence" - dramatic or what!

skippy67 · 19/05/2023 12:15

KimberleyClark · 19/05/2023 10:32

He has no right to dictate how your body should be, I would think twice about marrying him.

🤣🤣

FMLWTF · 19/05/2023 12:16

It sounds like a daft comment that he probably intended as a compliment. Lose weight for yourself if you want to. Don’t do it/not do it for anyone else.

Nordicrain · 19/05/2023 12:17

Poor bloke, I bet he thought that his comment would tell you that you were perfect before and no need to lose weight - a more of you the better kind of thing - and it completely backfired.

You need to look at your own insecurities or you are going to have the same issues in whatever relationship you are in.

tanstaafl · 19/05/2023 12:20

Is he trying to lose weight as well OP?

MargotBamborough · 19/05/2023 12:21

pumpkin23g · 19/05/2023 12:07

My BMI is 21.64! I think between 20-25 is healthy so I’m doing OK!

Weight loss is for wedding AND health!

I appreciate these comments, even the tough love ones! I do suffer with low self esteem and body image issues, he has never been malicious or made me feel unattractive before this.

I just can’t kick the excessive fear of hearing “it’s not enough” in my head forever!

Show quote history

In that case you sound absolutely fine, OP. I think he was probably just trying to say he loves you the way you are and you don't need to lose tons of weight or make any drastic changes.

If there's nothing else the matter with your relationship, I think these comments telling you to end it are absolutely nuts!

Nothingisblackandwhite · 19/05/2023 12:21

The reality is , he still loves you and wants to marry you , he is allowed to have a preference , as long as he supports you in any shape and lives you in any shape then that’s all it matters .
Why are you so upset ?
my partner is a boobs guy , he absolutely love sky boobs when I get pregnant because they get even bigger . Should I be offended too ?

Freeballing · 19/05/2023 12:21

pumpkin23g · 19/05/2023 12:07

My BMI is 21.64! I think between 20-25 is healthy so I’m doing OK!

Weight loss is for wedding AND health!

I appreciate these comments, even the tough love ones! I do suffer with low self esteem and body image issues, he has never been malicious or made me feel unattractive before this.

I just can’t kick the excessive fear of hearing “it’s not enough” in my head forever!

Show quote history

The thing is nobody can 'make you feel unattractive'. That's all you. This whole thing is you, 'fiance doesn't like my body' is something you invented, not something he said. If you want to ruin your relationship over this that will also be all you.

LadyJ2023 · 19/05/2023 12:22

For goodness sake if I left my hubby for his daft comments sometimes we wouldn't be happily married lol. Men don't think or concentrate sometimes but you yourself have blown it way out of proportion tbh so apologise and make amends

Goodread1 · 19/05/2023 12:23

What I mean on longer term@pumpkin23g ,!

Does your partner have form, past history of making you feel like crap💩 at all?

remember if someone anybody makes you feel insecure ect , you don't have to stay or have them in your life long term,

whoever long you have been with them, !

Goodread1 · 19/05/2023 12:27

Typo mistake,
I ment to say " however " long you have been with them @pumpkin23g ect.

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