Lodger and booby traps

[Hoppygolightly]

Hi

I have had a lodger for the past year , clean tidy and shares house.

I have an ensuite so she generally has main bathroom to herself. She does not I stress have an ensuite , she shares main bathroom and usually has to herself

In the past year a handful if visitors have used the main bathroom and this really upsets her and she will then loudly and obviously start cleaning it and disinfecting it and sighing , this could be when someone has just washed their hands , I'm not talking about leaving a filthy toilet etc

Realised yesetrday she has wedged toilet paper in the bathroom door so she can see if ils been opened and toilet paper around the toilet seat so she can see if it has been lifted

Hasn't spoken to me about any of this, if someone's used that bathroom she will clean up noisily, spray air freshener everywhere and not speak to me for a while

I know it's weird , I can't stop visitors using the main bathroom unless I tell them to use my ensuite , had a friend over at the weekend and did actually do that so as not to cause issues ..but they look at me like I'm crazy

Apart from this she is great, but I'm thinking it's bloody odd , it makes visitors feel really awkward !

I think for now, I'd start using the main bathroom whenever I need to wash my hands or have a wee.
Maybe desensitise the situation for her (or push her over the edge to move..)

Sound likeahe doesn't know - or chooses to ignore - what being lodger actually is. I.e your house and she pays to use a room and share the rest if the facilities. I'm old and remember when logings had strict rules and basically a lot of them you had use if your room and bathroom and that was it. If you were lucky there might kitchen use providing the owner wasn't using it.

It’s fairly common these days for rooms to be rented either with an en suite or with exclusive use of a bathroom. However, as you would expect, that has to be paid for. In Bloomsbury I would think an en suite double room would be at least £1,000 and probably more like £1300-£1500 a month.

£600 is more ‘run down single room with 5 people sharing the bathroom’ territory in central London. The fact she has a nice double room and near exclusive use of the bathroom for that amount is a brilliant deal and she is no doubt in the process of finding out she won’t be getting anything nearly as nice / convenient for the same money.

I’m expecting her to withdraw her notice any day now.

Room with en-suite is 1200 where I am in east London. Or more, it used to be 1500 for a one bed, 2000 for two bed two Bath, but it's close to 2k for a one bed now.
600 is an absolute steal, she's nuts for kicking up a fuss.

she doesn't want to discuss at the moment and got very agitated when I asked if she had given a months notice earlier and when was she planning on leaving

Sounds like she realises she's painted herself into a corner and is regretting it. She probably thought you'd back down. Unfortunately, some people do make life hard for themselves.

@Hoppygolightly

I have been too wimpish in giving in and avoiding confrontation with her so partly my fault she now feels she can dictate

It can be hard asserting yourself as a landlord, especially if you are both living in the same space. However, things aren't going to get more comfortable for either of you whilst in this no-man's-land where you are irritated by your lodger's behaviour, your friends being made uncomfortable in your own home or her passive-aggressive actions regarding the shared bathroom. Time, perhaps, for a deep breath and to formally give her written notice plus a firm date to leave so you can get someone who behaves better.. 🌹

I’d start using it myself to reinforce the point that she doesn’t have exclusive use of it.

You should give her written notice.

No way should you be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home

Agree with this.

She is being totally unreasonable. You have been very kind but she needs to go. She doesn’t want to discuss it? She gets very agitated? Come on… just give her notice. Say you are sorry she is not happy but you cannot and will not subject your guests to her behaviour. It is embarrassing and unacceptable and in the circumstances it’s best if she finds other accommodation. And don’t back down… you can get another lodger who will pay a more reasonable rent and be happy.

Thank you that is a very good idea!

Thanks !

She is a middle aged woman so not a young 20 or 30 something and I don't or didn't want to be overbearing landlady so have I suspect been too much the other way

Totally agree she will need to move and find something more suitable and will formalise dates on Monday

I'm always slightly sceptical of this Monday to Friday lodger idea. My own city* - not London - has 576 room wanted ads on Spareroom. Only one of those is looking for a Monday to Friday room, and his ad says he's not looking in my neighbourhood.

*Which according to Spareroom covers towns up to 20 miles away

I had a look just now

There seem to be a lot of M to F rooms offered, alot seem to do the laundry and change sheets for the room etc and are quite restrictive about what the person moving in can do in the house

No harm in having a think about it but wouldn't want to be changing someone's sheets every week!

It is probably more common in London than other cities and towns as obviously a lot of workplaces/study/training locations are based there.

If you look at rooms wanted rather than offered, OP, hardly anyone mentions wanting 'housekeeping' like laundry doing, and many are at pains to say they just need a room and a shower and perhaps some kitchen access if convenient. Some explicitly say they'd like to be able to use a washing machine, which very much implies they're not expecting laundry doing for them.
If I were you, I'd just place an ad being very clear about what you are and are not offering. See who bites and take it from there.

Yes, good idea thank you

I think they are more common in London because it’s so expensive and also so accessible by train. It’s much, much cheaper to pay £600 or so a month for a M-F room plus the mortgage on a 3 or 4 bed house 2+ hours North (bearing in mind that takes you well north of Birmingham on a fast train) than it is to buy a house in London.

I did the M-F thing for a few years and often the whole ‘change sheets every week’ is because someone else will be using the bed. I had to basically strip the room down including taking the sheets and quilt (my own) off the bed and putting them in a box (when I didn’t take the sheets home to wash). I had one drawer in the dresser and a tiny space in the built in wardrobe. I was also allowed to leave towels in the bathroom. It meant I could leave a dressing gown, hairdryer, towels etc. and not have to haul them back and forth plus I had a kitchen to cook in (saving money) but I took a week’s clothes in a suitcase each week.

M-F usually means 4 nights with the person travelling down before work Monday and home after work Friday - it’s not a home, it’s basically a hotel room with cooking facilities and storage.

I have also done the ‘full time lodger’ thing (which I mentioned above) and that was my home and I felt very differently about it.

DP and I are thinking about looking for a Mon-Fri (or shorter) lodger, as our current long-term full-time lodger may move out soon and we'd like a bit of a change/break.
While we'll probably require the person to bring their own bedding, we wouldn't dream of renting the room/bed to more than one person at a time There's plenty of storage space in the room too, and the lodger will be welcome to leave their stuff in the room over weekends. While it wouldn't be the same as a full-time lodger arrangement, or a houseshare with mates, we're hoping/intending that it'll be more relaxed and friendly than a hotel room – we'd like to cook for/with them sometimes, for example, and eat together.
Anyway, that's a bit of a derail!

I used to do the weekly commute too, but work paid accommodation expenses so I just did regular lodging/house share which gave me the flexibility to be there at weekends if I needed to work or wanted to change my travel arrangements due to very bad weather. The house owners did get the benefit of me not being there much but not so that they could use "my" room.

What am I reading? It's your house. Get a backbone ffs!!

She needs to go. It’s not her house.

Sorry OP, hadn't rtft 🤦🏽‍♀️ Good you made your feelings clear.

Weirdo

She will stay if she gets advance notice of guests and when they are going to use the bathroom ,

This is highly, highly abnormal and irrational reaction to the discussion.

The first symptom was territorial control (she stakes out the bathroom as hers) That was HER behaviour. But now her loss of reality is escalating fast.
She is dictating to you, how you and your guests have to behave . She intends to control YOUR behaviour (in your own home), because she imagines herself to be at risk or in danger. (She's already attached her groundless paranoia to any unknown male)

Don't go along with this; if you do then her coercion and control attempts will expand beyond the bathroom with her setting rules for other communal areas and dictating what you must do to meet her demands. And when you refuse, she may interpret that as further risk/threat to her safety , and defend herself in totally irrational ways.

This is going to get worse very quickly and for your own safety you must tell her YOU have decided she is to leave . ASAP>

This is not her bathroom ,it is for her and any guests you have the house belongs to you ,she might need reminding.