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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lodger and booby traps

510 replies

Hoppygolightly · 18/05/2023 15:25

Hi

I have had a lodger for the past year , clean tidy and shares house.

I have an ensuite so she generally has main bathroom to herself. She does not I stress have an ensuite , she shares main bathroom and usually has to herself

In the past year a handful if visitors have used the main bathroom and this really upsets her and she will then loudly and obviously start cleaning it and disinfecting it and sighing , this could be when someone has just washed their hands , I'm not talking about leaving a filthy toilet etc

Realised yesetrday she has wedged toilet paper in the bathroom door so she can see if ils been opened and toilet paper around the toilet seat so she can see if it has been lifted

Hasn't spoken to me about any of this, if someone's used that bathroom she will clean up noisily, spray air freshener everywhere and not speak to me for a while

I know it's weird , I can't stop visitors using the main bathroom unless I tell them to use my ensuite , had a friend over at the weekend and did actually do that so as not to cause issues ..but they look at me like I'm crazy

Apart from this she is great, but I'm thinking it's bloody odd , it makes visitors feel really awkward !

OP posts:
Im99912 · 19/05/2023 10:51

Have you ever watched Single White Female 😂😂
honestly she has a fucking cheek

Wanting notice if you - As in YOU the actual owner have guest

my son has a huge 2 bed 2 bath apartment with a ensuite that is his and his partners
They rent out the ground floor bedroom to a lodger who is kind of a friend
The main bathroom is mainly used by the lodger but to get to the utility room you have to go through the bathroom
My son made it clear that while the lodger would have the main use of the bathroom. If they had guest or someone visiting they would use the main bathroom

To be fair the room rent is only 550 a month inc bills and its a fabulous flat so the lodger is absolutely fine with it

OnTheHamsterWheelOfDoom · 19/05/2023 10:59

I normally mention to my lodger "by the way my friend Fred is popping round for tea later" as a matter of courtesy. Not that it's ever come up, but that they might need the loo while they're here is fairly obvious.

I doubt I'd evict for this alone (better the devil you know sometimes) but I wouldn't be too surprised if your lodger starts thinking about moving on.

I would consider swapping rooms for the next lodger though - en suites command a premium and tax returns aren't as scary as people think. A quick search of Spareroom shows en suite rooms all bills inc living with a landlord within a mile of Bloomsbury going for £1200-1600 per month.

Im99912 · 19/05/2023 11:04

Those who are saying the lodger is nice
she isn’t
if she is suffering from OCD that’s her problem to deal with and not to inflict it on the OP who is the owner of the flat

Honestly OP just get rid of her she isn’t nice
giving you the silent treatment is boarding on being abusive and if It was a partner who was giving you the silent treatment everyone would be saying that they are being abusive

When you advertise next time make it clear that while you have an ensuite the bathroom is shared if you have any guest or family visiting

in fact add that into the lodgers contract that it’s a shared bathroom

Im99912 · 19/05/2023 11:09

She will most likely change her mind when she finds out that to get a room with an ensuite in zone 1 will cost probably double the amount.

I would give her notice now and tell her that you aren’t going to bother with having a lodger for a few months
Just In case she try’s to backtrack when she realise that she can’t afford an ensuite room in zone 1 and grudgingly decides to stay

knobheeeeed · 19/05/2023 11:18

She will stay if she gets advance notice of guests and when they are going to use the bathroom , otherwise she said she would start looking for somewhere else

Nope, she can look for somewhere else.
Just tell her that you won't be giving notice.

If she's got OCD or simply wants a bathroom to herself, if that's a non-negotiable for her then she needs to look for a place with ensuite and if she can't afford that in Zone 1 then she needs to move out to somewhere she can afford.
She doesn't get to live in Zone 1, in OP's flat, paying rent for a room without ensuite and then demand that no one else uses the main bathroom, she's basically getting an ensuite without paying for it and that's not on.

Newyearnewmeow · 19/05/2023 11:25

It’s your bloody house that you pay for and you don’t have to inform her if you are having guests over. She’s being very controlling and entitled.
I would tell her to start looking pronto for a new place with an en suite and get remove the toilet paper trap immediately. Time for being nice and accommodating is over OP.

HamBone · 19/05/2023 11:27

She sounds immature and has probably used the silent treatment on her family when she doesn’t get her own way. But you’re not her Mum!

As suggested, let her look for another place and realize what a good deal she’s got with you. Even if she does move out, you’ll soon find a new lodger.

BirminghamNewStreet · 19/05/2023 11:29

Oh wow OP. Nothing to add except your lodger is a CF.

stayathomegardener · 19/05/2023 11:32

I can almost guarantee she won't find anywhere cheaper so this ridiculous situation will now drag on.

Personally I'd let her know you are looking for a replacement lodger immediately and what are her timescales to vacate, pretty sure she will quit the sulking and weird marking behaviour and fall in line.

Job done!

WisherWood · 19/05/2023 11:36

She will stay if she gets advance notice of guests and when they are going to use the bathroom , otherwise she said she would start looking for somewhere else

I would just say no the advance notice and let her take action, or not, from there. I get that to some it seems like one small issue, but to me it isn't small. It's dictating over living space. She's gone from happy with the arrangement, to unhappy and huffing, to trying to dictate and deliberately making you uncomfortable with having guests around. I'm all for tenant and lodger rights and security. But I wouldn't want that in an equal house share either. I think she'll just keep pushing. Definitely time to draw a line that is not to be crossed.

TucSandwich · 19/05/2023 11:57

Time to give her notice.

EsmeSusanOgg · 19/05/2023 12:02

Hoppygolightly · 19/05/2023 10:30

Well.....

She will stay if she gets advance notice of guests and when they are going to use the bathroom , otherwise she said she would start looking for somewhere else

I think she includes me in the above , not that I would go in there generally apart from cleaning

I'm generally easy going , but irritated now, and toilet paper traps still there which I find pretty childish !

I think she needs to rent a proper ensuite somewhere personally

How did you keep a straight face when she said this?

I'd say 'oh, that's a shame. Can you tell me the date you are looking to move out? As mentioned when you took on the room, you are renting a bedroom with access to the house. The bathroom is the main bathroom for the property. And whilst you have access, usually only for yourself, it is not part of your lodging agreement. And I will not be committing to giving you notice as to when others may use the shared bathroom.'

MinnieGirl · 19/05/2023 12:04

Hoppygolightly · 19/05/2023 10:30

Well.....

She will stay if she gets advance notice of guests and when they are going to use the bathroom , otherwise she said she would start looking for somewhere else

I think she includes me in the above , not that I would go in there generally apart from cleaning

I'm generally easy going , but irritated now, and toilet paper traps still there which I find pretty childish !

I think she needs to rent a proper ensuite somewhere personally

For god sake….
No she will not be given advance notice of guests. And will they have to answer a questionnaire on arrival? At what time will you be using the bathroom? She’s off her rocker…..
This is your home and your guests. How dare she behave so rudely…
I would tell her straight that the toilet paper traps need to stop right now and give her notice.
Who does she think she is?

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2023 12:10

I would always tell my lodger if I had visitors due. I mean it's just respectful surely?

Probably the day before if possible.

So don't really understand the pushback against that idea.

Unless you have people round every other day or something. Might be best just assumed in that case thar people could be over any time within certain hours.

Especially if it's a guy coming over who may use our bathroom. Who wouldn't prewarn their lodger of that? You'd have to be a total dickhead.

TheHandmaiden · 19/05/2023 12:13

Well time to find another lodger as this one is trouble with a capital T

OnTheHamsterWheelOfDoom · 19/05/2023 12:23

TheHandmaiden · 19/05/2023 12:13

Well time to find another lodger as this one is trouble with a capital T

If you really think this is trouble with a capital T, you have absolutely no concept of just how bad it could be.

One of my past lodgers is still a friend and we see each other from time to time but having taught him how to do his laundry when he was in his 30s, stopped him from killing himself in the spare room, and provided endless dating advice, I did get a bit more picky about who I took in.

... and things could be far, far worse than that!

MzHz · 19/05/2023 12:55

Hoppygolightly · 19/05/2023 10:48

Yes said that wouldn't be possible

Think we are back to silent treatment now

Oh wow. That’s super irritating

that would piss me right off. The entitlement! Who TAF does she think she is?

She’s trying to dictate how you live your life, who comes here and even if you give ‘advance warning’ (wtf!) there’s no guarantee that she won’t do the whole sighing and passive aggressive cleaning thing

I think If the silent treatment continues past today that tomorrow you say that she had better start looking for somewhere else to live because you won’t be told how to live your life, you won’t have this booby trap shit in the bathroom and when the simplest of situations- where she’s 100% in the wrong - results in silent treatment then what happens when there’s something more serious?

shes showing you who she is. Pay attention.

she does need to go.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 19/05/2023 12:56

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2023 12:10

I would always tell my lodger if I had visitors due. I mean it's just respectful surely?

Probably the day before if possible.

So don't really understand the pushback against that idea.

Unless you have people round every other day or something. Might be best just assumed in that case thar people could be over any time within certain hours.

Especially if it's a guy coming over who may use our bathroom. Who wouldn't prewarn their lodger of that? You'd have to be a total dickhead.

You warn family, or a partner. A lodger is somebody you have a business transaction with. The only notice of anything they need is of works to their room, and eviction.

If the lodger wants to live in zone 1, they need to work on their own income or their expectations, they do not get to dictate to the homeowner what they are permitted to do.

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2023 12:58

IncyWincyGrownUp · 19/05/2023 12:56

You warn family, or a partner. A lodger is somebody you have a business transaction with. The only notice of anything they need is of works to their room, and eviction.

If the lodger wants to live in zone 1, they need to work on their own income or their expectations, they do not get to dictate to the homeowner what they are permitted to do.

Show quote history

In theory. In real life though when it's just you amd one other woman in the home you grow a level of closeness. You respect that whilst she is 'just the lodger' she has the right to feel safe and comfortable in her space the same as you do.

If there's a man coming over, you warn her.
I don't care about the official relationship dynamics. It's just basic respect and decency.

OnTheHamsterWheelOfDoom · 19/05/2023 13:00

IncyWincyGrownUp · 19/05/2023 12:56

You warn family, or a partner. A lodger is somebody you have a business transaction with. The only notice of anything they need is of works to their room, and eviction.

If the lodger wants to live in zone 1, they need to work on their own income or their expectations, they do not get to dictate to the homeowner what they are permitted to do.

Show quote history

A lodger is someone you live with. Yes, money is involved, but it's not solely a business transaction.

It's the live in landlord's property, but it's both the live in landlord and lodger's home.

I find treating lodgers with respect and common courtesy, not like they're mere cash cows, goes a long way. It's polite to tell your lodger you're having guests around.

Manners cost nothing, as they say.

Hearmeout · 19/05/2023 13:05

Let her find somewhere else and remove any booby traps, don't feed into her delusion that she has the right to behave that way in her lodgings. She has access to, not rights over, the bathroom.

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2023 13:08

Actually genuinely horrifying to think there are people out there that wouldn't prewarn you guests were coming over!

I mean I get that on occasion it is spontaneous tbf. Or they were out so you couldn't tell them. But otherwise...

MarkWithaC · 19/05/2023 13:10

TBH I always tell my lodger if I have people coming over, with whatever notice I can – so if I invite someone to dinner in two weeks' time I'll tell her then, and if someone says 'I'm in the neighbourhood, can I pop by in ten mins?' I'll tell her then. It's basic courtesy and it works the other way too – not that she has visitors often, but when she does she always lets me know as soon as possible.
So I don't agree with the hard line on it being purely a business transaction and not telling a lodger about anything short of works to their room, or eviction – in the real world, often people are friends or at least friendly with lodgers and treat each other with courtesy.

But of course the nonsense about 'when they're going to use the bathroom' is insupportable and I'm glad you told her that (as an aside, I do wonder how she thought she would actually use that information).
Silent treatment is not acceptable and neither is toilet roll in the door. I'd not address the silent treatment – it's too silly to warrant a response – but I'd tell her firmly to remove the toilet roll and not do it again.
And actually I'd give her notice at this point. There are people who would bite your arm off for a room at that price in that location.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 19/05/2023 13:10

Pinkbonbon · 19/05/2023 13:08

Actually genuinely horrifying to think there are people out there that wouldn't prewarn you guests were coming over!

I mean I get that on occasion it is spontaneous tbf. Or they were out so you couldn't tell them. But otherwise...

Horrifying?

DixonD · 19/05/2023 13:14

She needs to go. You can’t allow your lodger to start dictating the rules in your home.

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