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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To threaten to leave DH so close to DMil dying

123 replies

MTM2017 · 18/05/2023 14:16

Bit of background, me and DH of 16 years, two DD nearly 9 and 4. DH DM died 2 weeks ago , so obviously emotions are high and I'm trying my best to be there for him and his family. I was v.close to her too so we are all grieving on some level.

I recognised a few days ago he was getting snappy with me and the kids and being unreasonable in minor ways. I chalked it up to the "anger" phase of grief.

Last night though he has overstepped the mark IMO.

DD9 needed a shower, usually I stay with her/in room nearby but I don't actually participate until she needs her hair rinsing... Last night I thought I'd just clean the rest of the bathroom while she was in the shower but alas DD9 wanted some privacy, I tried saying can u just pretend I'm not here I'm only cleaning etc and will be here when u need me to rinse your hair. She refused and wanted privacy. This went back and forth a few times as she was being a bit rude but eventually I left and she locked the door. She's 9 so apart from rinsing hair she's well within rights IMO to ask for privacy and do it herself

I went downstairs and started cleaning up after dinner ... DH starts getting angry about the Smart Meter being on red and "is she just standing up in the shower doing nothing ?" I said to him did u not hear what just happened between me and DD9 and her not wanting me in the bathroom (i.e. I don't know what she's doing right now)

His reply was "she doesn't listen to you just shout in her face"

I was disgusted by this comment and quickly brought him back down that I would not be doing that under any terms

He took it upon himself to storm up to the bathroom and shouted "open the door" , but before she would even have a chance to open it very quickly escalated to actually kicking the lock open and telling/shouting her , for some reason unbeknown to me, "don't talk to your mum like that"

I immediately went up and sorted DD9 hair and got her ready for bed.

DD9 was really upset at bedtime obviously, I consoled her and said I would talk to DH. However I was so disgusted in his behaviour that I couldn't bring myself to talk to him once DDs were in bed.

On way to work today I seriously considered booking a hotel /air BnB and leaving him.

But I talked myself out of it due to him losing his mum and although he is "strict" he's not really done anything like this before, apart from a few years ago he broke a chair in front of DD out of anger(cant even remember what it was over) so talked myself round to talking to him when I got home from work.

Which I just did.

He immediately got defensive and started saying I lacked discipline with the kids.

I told him if anything like that ever happened again there would be no discussion I would take the kids and I would leave you.

I told him I seriously considered this morning leaving him over that behaviour and he basically said go on then pack your bags

I'm torn as he's lost his DM and obviously going through the motions but I will not tolerate that behaviour towards DD

He later acknowledged in the conversation that he owes DD9 an apology and that the behaviour wasn't okay.

We aren't really talking now. It's all gone a bit quiet and moody.

AIBU to threaten to leave him after him losing his DM.

OP posts:

AbreathofFrenchair · 18/05/2023 14:21

It's not ideal at all how he spoke to her or his actions. Grief probably is playing a part and if he's never done this before that could potentially explain it.

I also think you should have left the bathroom when your daughter asked for privacy and not insisted on staying and thinking she should just ignore you in there.

Saucemonkey · 18/05/2023 14:24

He can’t do this, grief or not - and the past suggests he does have an issue with his temper. I think you are right to call this out and for him to apologise

SoTired12 · 18/05/2023 14:25

Yes you be unreasonable to do that to him.

Unless there's more to it, he hasn't exactly been a monster, he's just lost his mother and he snapped...after you made out she'd been really disrespectful to you...he has apologised.

Your behaviour towards your DD isn't right either, leave her to get a shower ffs, she shouldn't have to practically beg for a bit of privacy.

Lifesagamethentheytaketheboardaway · 18/05/2023 14:27

First, when she asked you for privacy, why did you argue with her? When kids start asking for privacy over their bodies, you give it to them. You don’t tell them to pretend you’re not there and continue to hover around whilst they are naked and asking for privacy. You were rude to her. If she started being rude to you then you deserved it.

Then, whilst she is naked in the shower, her dad kicks the door in and shouts in her face.

Poor kid. She deserves better. And you are tolerating it because you have stayed, and when she tries to put up some boundaries, you argue back and forth with her to try and stop her so you’re not just tolerating it, you’re joining in with it. Disgusting from the both of you.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/05/2023 14:28

Neither if you were being a good parent to your 9yr old tbh but he definitely went too far.
I think if he apologises properly and I think you should too then draw a line under it.

Original poster

MTM2017 · 18/05/2023 14:30

Whilst I see your point she didn't practically beg for privacy.

It just started off immediately rude.

This is a DD who normally wants me in there with her and nearby.... And if not would always call me back in if I was nearby. Not to mention she always comes in the bathroom while I'm showering.

I don't believe that DH was doing that in "my honour" he seemed more annoyed that I WEREN'T in there, policing how long she was in the shower for, rather than being angry about the "way she spoke to me" . I weren't annoyed by the way she spoke to me,and I didn't express that to him either. I merely said that she wanted privacy.

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 18/05/2023 14:30

How abusive and traumatic. There is no excuse.

Rollonannualeave · 18/05/2023 14:31

YANBU. I hate male violence like that. Your DC won't forget her boundaries have been violated.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 18/05/2023 14:31

I left dh the day his dgf died.

Planned move. I had seen dgfil in hospital and he acknowledged I was doing the right thing. Dh was owed naff all consideration.. Same as your dh. I hope your dd never discloses to an adult what happened. Or maybe she should?

Original poster

MTM2017 · 18/05/2023 14:32

You're right there and I totally accept that opinion

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 18/05/2023 14:33

No. There is absolutely no excuse for him kicking the door open.

What it teaches your daughter is that she is not allowed boundaries and that male violence is acceptable.

Disgraceful behaviour.

growgrowinggrown · 18/05/2023 14:33

Fucking hell your 9yr old daughter is wanting privacy and your husband breaks the lock to scream at her naked?

Unreal.

He should have left that night to show your daughter no man can behave that way, what an awful thing for her to have witnessed.

FeedMeTiramisu · 18/05/2023 14:34

No matter how rude dd was being (and in this instance, she was being reasonable in asking for privacy whilst showering), your DH kicking down a door (she could have been on the other side of it!) and ignoring his daughters wishes of privacy whilst naked AND then shouting because the gas was in the red?? Not acceptable. I would have serious issues with his behaviour. His mother passing is no excuse. If their wasn't enough gas, he should have sorted it before child got in the shower.

LucyIoo · 18/05/2023 14:35

You both owe DD an apology.

His behaviour was disgusting. I'd leave, he's shown he can be a monster.

jannier · 18/05/2023 14:36

AbreathofFrenchair · 18/05/2023 14:21

It's not ideal at all how he spoke to her or his actions. Grief probably is playing a part and if he's never done this before that could potentially explain it.

I also think you should have left the bathroom when your daughter asked for privacy and not insisted on staying and thinking she should just ignore you in there.

This total disrespect of child by both parents

DisappearingGirl · 18/05/2023 14:37

Absolutely he should not be screaming at DD or kicking the door open. You were right to put your foot down about that being unacceptable.

However if things are otherwise good then I wouldn't actually leave due to him losing it as a one-off after his mum just died.

Mabelface · 18/05/2023 14:37

She must have been terrified. Imagine being naked and vulnerable and a huge man kicks the door in to shout in your face. Fucking hell.

I lost my mum a month ago. Whilst it affects people differently, grief does not make him do this. His lack of self control does.

orangegato · 18/05/2023 14:38

Do the best for your children. Your daughter will remember being spoken to like that and might be I fear in the shower that he will burst in to confront her? For doing fuck all wrong might I add.

His behaviour is disgusting and grief doesn’t excuse it. Plenty of people grieve without become complete arseholes to their young children.

35965a · 18/05/2023 14:38

He’s much worse but you owe your DD an apology too. Poor kid.

Original poster

MTM2017 · 18/05/2023 14:38

I did apologise to DD9 while in the bathroom already when I was leaving, I assumed as she always wants me with her she would be okay with me pottering around. But you're right she shouldn't have to ask for privacy twice.. But I will back it up again today with another apology.

OP posts:

fajitaaa · 18/05/2023 14:39

Your poor child

Original poster

MTM2017 · 18/05/2023 14:39

Yes I do x

OP posts:

purplecorkheart · 18/05/2023 14:41

One of my close friend's husband became a different person after his father died. He became a really Jekyll and Hyde character and the entire family walked around him on eggshells. Eventually there was an incident slightly more that what happened in your case but not much more and she told him to leave.

OhBling · 18/05/2023 14:42

I think the key thing is whether or not he genuinely understands it was not okay. In light of his mum dying recently I absolutely would cut him a lot more slack than I usually would for a heat of the moment event, but he still needs to completely acknowledge that breaking the door down while she was showering was a massive over reaction and while understandable, not okay.

if he's not able to acknowledge that then you have a bigger problem.

orangegato · 18/05/2023 14:42

Also this is where is starts. If he thinks that’s okay he could start smashing through doors, possessions to prove his point regularly if you let this slide.

He sounds volatile and unstable if he thinks that response is proportionate to a child just having a shower. What if she ACTUALLY did something wrong?

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