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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To threaten to leave DH so close to DMil dying

123 replies

MTM2017 · 18/05/2023 14:16

Bit of background, me and DH of 16 years, two DD nearly 9 and 4. DH DM died 2 weeks ago , so obviously emotions are high and I'm trying my best to be there for him and his family. I was v.close to her too so we are all grieving on some level.

I recognised a few days ago he was getting snappy with me and the kids and being unreasonable in minor ways. I chalked it up to the "anger" phase of grief.

Last night though he has overstepped the mark IMO.

DD9 needed a shower, usually I stay with her/in room nearby but I don't actually participate until she needs her hair rinsing... Last night I thought I'd just clean the rest of the bathroom while she was in the shower but alas DD9 wanted some privacy, I tried saying can u just pretend I'm not here I'm only cleaning etc and will be here when u need me to rinse your hair. She refused and wanted privacy. This went back and forth a few times as she was being a bit rude but eventually I left and she locked the door. She's 9 so apart from rinsing hair she's well within rights IMO to ask for privacy and do it herself

I went downstairs and started cleaning up after dinner ... DH starts getting angry about the Smart Meter being on red and "is she just standing up in the shower doing nothing ?" I said to him did u not hear what just happened between me and DD9 and her not wanting me in the bathroom (i.e. I don't know what she's doing right now)

His reply was "she doesn't listen to you just shout in her face"

I was disgusted by this comment and quickly brought him back down that I would not be doing that under any terms

He took it upon himself to storm up to the bathroom and shouted "open the door" , but before she would even have a chance to open it very quickly escalated to actually kicking the lock open and telling/shouting her , for some reason unbeknown to me, "don't talk to your mum like that"

I immediately went up and sorted DD9 hair and got her ready for bed.

DD9 was really upset at bedtime obviously, I consoled her and said I would talk to DH. However I was so disgusted in his behaviour that I couldn't bring myself to talk to him once DDs were in bed.

On way to work today I seriously considered booking a hotel /air BnB and leaving him.

But I talked myself out of it due to him losing his mum and although he is "strict" he's not really done anything like this before, apart from a few years ago he broke a chair in front of DD out of anger(cant even remember what it was over) so talked myself round to talking to him when I got home from work.

Which I just did.

He immediately got defensive and started saying I lacked discipline with the kids.

I told him if anything like that ever happened again there would be no discussion I would take the kids and I would leave you.

I told him I seriously considered this morning leaving him over that behaviour and he basically said go on then pack your bags

I'm torn as he's lost his DM and obviously going through the motions but I will not tolerate that behaviour towards DD

He later acknowledged in the conversation that he owes DD9 an apology and that the behaviour wasn't okay.

We aren't really talking now. It's all gone a bit quiet and moody.

AIBU to threaten to leave him after him losing his DM.

OP posts:
Grumpigal · 18/05/2023 16:15

Grief at the loss of my parent sent me to a very dark angry place.
I will openly admit I was full of rage.

It doesn’t excuse it but it does explain it.

Whilst he obviously cannot go around screaming at people (kids) because he is grieving, he does also need some support and recognition that bereavement is really fucking hard for people.

Im saying this on the assumption otherwise he’s not angry, aggressive or abusive

MrsKeats · 18/05/2023 16:16

I want to know what the definition of 'strict' is as well.

zingally · 18/05/2023 16:19

You BOTH owe your DD a massive apology. Regardless of what DD has said/done in the past, on THIS occasion, she asked for privacy. You gaslit her, and your DH kicked in the door to scream at her, naked.
Ask yourself how you might have felt about this had your DD been 5 years older? Or if a male partner behaved like this to her in 20 years from now?

PimpMyFridge · 18/05/2023 16:23

Doesn't sound to me like any of you communicate nicely.
He asked you what she was doing and you could have just answered normally, I don't know I left her to get privacy, instead you did a snarky did you not just hear what was said.
You didn't grant her privacy easily and nicely, regardless of how rude she was you're not modelling good manners, you argued the point as it wasn't convenient for your cleaning and eventually left.
He reacted really badly obviously.

But all of those exchanges were rubbish on some level so I wonder if your family had a style of communication which is aggravating and at times of grief it will be all the more magnified.

ClawedButler · 18/05/2023 16:25

If I was in the shower and my DH kicked the door in and screamed at me, I would be TERRIFIED. Add to that she's only 9, and it is beyond any sort of excuse or apology.

Men are not allowed to get away with violence towards little girls.
Not even if they're really sad.

He needs to see how serious this is. And your DD needs to see that you are taking it seriously.

Imagine having literally NOWHERE that's safe for you to be. Not a single space you can feel safe. Even the place you thought was a lockable haven turns out to be somewhere you can have your privacy invaded, your boundaries kicked in, your vulnerability exposed.

You may be able to move on from this, but your first priority has got to be ensuring your DD feels safe. A grown man's feelings, however strong, are secondary to that.

PickAChew · 18/05/2023 16:30

Love how OP is being blamed for her husband's violence 😠

Snoken · 18/05/2023 16:34

PickAChew · 18/05/2023 16:30

Love how OP is being blamed for her husband's violence 😠

I know! As if their actions are in any way comparable. Insane that people think that she was egging her H on to become violent towards their daughter.

Blendintothebackground · 18/05/2023 16:39

Having recently just lost a parent myself, I would say anger is a very normal emotion.
Its absolutely not an excuse, but the pain he is feeling often comes out in anger x

Liveafr · 18/05/2023 16:39

On way to work today I seriously considered booking a hotel /air BnB and leaving him

Please tell me you were thinking of taking your DDs with you in the hotel/airBnB, not leaving them alone with a man who had just had a violent outburst that terrified them...

Cloud9Super · 18/05/2023 16:55

I’d be calling the police on him myself, how abusive does he need to be before you decide to get rid?

Dora33 · 18/05/2023 16:56

You definitely need to apologise to your dd for not respecting her right to privacy while showering. Just because you are comfortable with your children coming in while you are showering, doesn't mean they have to reciprocate.
I have no problems with my daughters seeing me in shower / getting changed but they don't. We all entitled to privacy.

Your dh is another level totally. That he became so angry towards a 9 year to smash a door in while she was naked and vulnerable, is shocking.
I have vivid memories of my dad being horrible when I was young but nothing like what happened to your daughter.
An apology isn't enough. That won't stop a child's fear of a similar incident happening again.
Your dh needs some form of anger management/ counselling. Though I don't think I could trust a partner again even with this.

DysmalRadius · 18/05/2023 16:56

You've apologised to your daughter and resolved never to argue about her bathroom privacy again. He has blamed you for his violence, dismissed your concerns, showed no remorse even when you said you considered it serious enough to leave him and has grudgingly admitted that he should apologise.

He hasn't acknowledged that his behaviour was awful, suggested he needs help or support, sought counselling, called his GP or anything that suggests he actually believes his behaviour was problematic.

An apology is nowhere near enough - without a proactive commitment (ie not suggested or forced by you) to counselling, I think you have to leave. He doesn't really think he's done anything wrong, so he will do it again. What if you're not there next time?

MissSammy · 18/05/2023 16:56

I lived with a volatile father, similar this. My mother did nothing and sided with him when it suited her. I'd never subject my children to living with a man who boots in doors to confront them naked in the shower. Grief is no excuse, we all go through that and don't suddenly become a fucking maniac.

Or stay with him and see what happens next.

Cherry2010 · 18/05/2023 16:58

All I am really getting fro this is that you don’t need to rinse hair for someone when they are in a shower, and you hanging about when you’re child has asked for privacy is weird.

ShowUs · 18/05/2023 16:58

You can leave whenever you want to but it doesn’t actually sound like you are planning to leave so I’m not sure if your question?

If someone had kicked the door open whilst their daughter was in the shower and had previously broken a chair out of anger then yes I absolutely would leave because that’s not a healthy environment.

You both seem to lack boundaries regarding your DDs privacy but to kick open a door while a child is stood naked and vulnerable in the shower seems very traumatic for her.

DysmalRadius · 18/05/2023 17:00

Cherry2010 · 18/05/2023 16:58

All I am really getting fro this is that you don’t need to rinse hair for someone when they are in a shower, and you hanging about when you’re child has asked for privacy is weird.

That really is an unusual take on the OP's situation.

Lovingitallnow · 18/05/2023 17:01

I can't believe he broke open the door in rage and shouted at her and the aftermath was you and she went off to dry her hair? Was she not hysterical? That's a strange reaction. I think I'd be hysterical or terrified if that happened. If dh opened the door suddenly without me hearing him whilst I was in the shower I jump, you're so vulnerable. The poor child. The lack of reaction from the adults is not ideal. What message have you sent her about his behaviour? I don't care if it was an hour after his mother died, my priority is to advocate for my child regardless of who the adult aggressor is or the trigger.

Lovingitallnow · 18/05/2023 17:01

And if the roles were reversed I'd expect dh to either read me the riot act or take the kids and go.

ShowUs · 18/05/2023 17:02

Also I’m site your DD used to be fine with you coming into the bathroom whilst she’s in there but she’s getting older now so it’s only natural that she’s going to start wanting privacy - which is a good thing as that will help protect her and she’ll be less likely to get naked around a stranger or take a photo of herself.

Her wanting privacy when she’s naked should never be seen as a bad thing and you and DH need to not be controlling in this aspect and respect her and her boundaries.

5128gap · 18/05/2023 17:03

If you think you need to leave him over this, then his bereavement shouldn't be a reason to stay. The cause of a person's behaviour unfortunately is not the pertinent point, its the outcome. That door was no less kicked down, that 9 year old no less intimidated while vulnerable and exposed in the shower because his mum has died. Either that warrants leaving or it doesn't.

Goodread1 · 18/05/2023 17:05

Hi @MTM2017

I agree with other posters, that you need to respect your daughters privacy, aswell, rather than being instant on keeping bathroom clean, whilst she is using bathroom,

Girls especially are entering puberty earlier, starting younger for some time now,
so no wonder she was reacting like this,

Your husband is obviously in depths of grieving stage ,
like rest of your family,

It still outrageous behaviour on his part, and no bloody excuse, to wilfully ignore his daughter Automy on her needing to have privacy and personal space too.

So lesson behind this drama in family background,
is you both need to respect your daughter attitude on wanting privacy and personal space in family bathroom, !

that's it really.

DaaamnYoullDo · 18/05/2023 17:10

He kicked in the bathroom door and screamed at your naked child? Yeah I think he needs to leave, at least until he can control his emotions.

GabriellaMontez · 18/05/2023 17:13

Within a relationship l, I could understand and forgive a lot from a husband who has just lost his Mum.

What I couldn't accept is what he did to your daughter. That's disgusting. If a child told me this story in the workplace I would escalate it. "My Dad kicked the door in while I was locked in the bathroom naked". If someone did this to my daughter. It would be the only time.

skyeisthelimit · 18/05/2023 17:15

He may be grieving but he needs to accept that he is bang out of order here. and 9 is old enough to want her privacy. Girls often develop at 9/10 now.

Have you had talks with her about puberty, or bought her books that she can look at ? My DD's primary school SEN advised it when she was about 9 as it was clear that she was starting to develop at that point and they said you must have the talk sooner rather than later so that there are no surprises.

Does DH understand that even though 9 is still a child, it is old enough to not want her parents around when she is naked?

His aggression and violence is not acceptable on any level, and he should be deeply apologetic to DD about it.

5128gap · 18/05/2023 17:16

I should ignore for now the posts criticising you regarding her privacy. You'll leave when asked in future I'm sure.
Some people seem to want you to believe that your behaviour is in the same camp as your husband's. Its nothing like it. If you start to believe you're just as bad, or even nearly as bad, you'll be half way to minimising what he did, and seeing it as a joint parental failing.
Keep your focus on what he did and how very inappropriate that was.