To threaten to leave DH so close to DMil dying

[MTM2017]

Bit of background, me and DH of 16 years, two DD nearly 9 and 4. DH DM died 2 weeks ago , so obviously emotions are high and I'm trying my best to be there for him and his family. I was v.close to her too so we are all grieving on some level.

I recognised a few days ago he was getting snappy with me and the kids and being unreasonable in minor ways. I chalked it up to the "anger" phase of grief.

Last night though he has overstepped the mark IMO.

DD9 needed a shower, usually I stay with her/in room nearby but I don't actually participate until she needs her hair rinsing... Last night I thought I'd just clean the rest of the bathroom while she was in the shower but alas DD9 wanted some privacy, I tried saying can u just pretend I'm not here I'm only cleaning etc and will be here when u need me to rinse your hair. She refused and wanted privacy. This went back and forth a few times as she was being a bit rude but eventually I left and she locked the door. She's 9 so apart from rinsing hair she's well within rights IMO to ask for privacy and do it herself

I went downstairs and started cleaning up after dinner ... DH starts getting angry about the Smart Meter being on red and "is she just standing up in the shower doing nothing ?" I said to him did u not hear what just happened between me and DD9 and her not wanting me in the bathroom (i.e. I don't know what she's doing right now)

His reply was "she doesn't listen to you just shout in her face"

I was disgusted by this comment and quickly brought him back down that I would not be doing that under any terms

He took it upon himself to storm up to the bathroom and shouted "open the door" , but before she would even have a chance to open it very quickly escalated to actually kicking the lock open and telling/shouting her , for some reason unbeknown to me, "don't talk to your mum like that"

I immediately went up and sorted DD9 hair and got her ready for bed.

DD9 was really upset at bedtime obviously, I consoled her and said I would talk to DH. However I was so disgusted in his behaviour that I couldn't bring myself to talk to him once DDs were in bed.

On way to work today I seriously considered booking a hotel /air BnB and leaving him.

But I talked myself out of it due to him losing his mum and although he is "strict" he's not really done anything like this before, apart from a few years ago he broke a chair in front of DD out of anger(cant even remember what it was over) so talked myself round to talking to him when I got home from work.

Which I just did.

He immediately got defensive and started saying I lacked discipline with the kids.

I told him if anything like that ever happened again there would be no discussion I would take the kids and I would leave you.

I told him I seriously considered this morning leaving him over that behaviour and he basically said go on then pack your bags

I'm torn as he's lost his DM and obviously going through the motions but I will not tolerate that behaviour towards DD

He later acknowledged in the conversation that he owes DD9 an apology and that the behaviour wasn't okay.

We aren't really talking now. It's all gone a bit quiet and moody.

AIBU to threaten to leave him after him losing his DM.

He didn't 'just snap' at all. He was in full control and made a choice.

Do your parents live near so that you could take your children for a little holiday to give your husband some grieving room? And then take it from there as to whether you want to return or not, depending on how he handles himself.
As for the bathroom. You should have left when asked but he shouldn't have kicked the bloody door open! FFS! Surely no one in their right mind does that? You've both acknowledged you were in the wrong.
And water usage, I remember my dad, the gentlest guy ever, rapping on the bathroom door over the length of time the water was running. 😆 And I remember doing similar to mine. It's the way of many parents. But kicking the door in...just, no!!

You both disrespected her boundaries. You husband sound vile though.

'Not to mention she always comes in the bathroom while I'm showering."

This comment is completely irrelevant. That doesn't give you a right.

This! I can’t believe how many posters are condoning and minimising the behaviour, although if I’m being honest it doesn’t actually surprise me. Raising his voice, absolutely could be grief. Kicking down the door is just him being an abusive asshole. The “just scream in her face” comment is indicative of the incident not just being a one off but symptomatic of a bigger problem with his attitude surrounding healthy behaviour and boundaries.

Both of your behaviour was bad . You shouldnt really be doing her hair still. She needs to be independent. And have privacy. You shouldn't of told your dh she had been rude to you. It was you who was very rude. But your dh is on another level . That's abusive behaviour your poor child. You want to hope she doesn't mention any of this to friends or teachers.

Obviously his grief doesn't justify his actions

Are you serious on limiting kids time in the shower? What if she has long hair/hair that needs untangling etc.

Good grief wanna limit toilet roll to two sheets a time while you’re at it?

What a way to grow up, being timed. Seems so controlling. Not like she’s in there for hours

This. Will she get extra 3mins at 14 to shave the pits without a violent bloke breaking the doors down??

I thanked my mum at 15 for not coupling up with anyone during my teens. The reason I stated was exactly this : it would be god awful to have some random grumpy guy turfing me outa way in the bathroom whilst I'm doing my (over the top) teenage ritual in there before heading to school.

Kicking the door open is crossing the line to 'leave him' territory.

You should have left the bathroom when DD asked you to, but I can see why you didn't, and you're clearly apologetic. Most of us have had silly altercations with our DC and they quickly blow over after an apology, with no harm done.

More to the point, though: a man should never, ever use physical force to make his point, whatever he thought his point was.

Grief can make people do funny things, but this combined with the previous chair-breaking episode would make me very, very disinclined to stay with him. That said: you have to bear in mind whether you want your girls to spend EOW and various other times just with him. The alternative is to 'grey rock' him for the time being, and bide your time. I know MN hates this advice, but "LTB" isn't always as easy as it sounds.

My mum died 18 months ago. I went through an angry stage. Never once did I lose my shit with my kids amor kick a door in. It’s absolutely unacceptable. My mums death broke me and I don’t think I will ever recover. It’s changed who I am. But losing my shit and kicking a door in and scaring my child, just wouldn’t have happened.

From what I can read, there’s a lot of communication problems. I think even outside grieving there’s a lot of problems. You talk about respecting your dds boundaries, but didn’t. He asked what she was doing, you were arsey. He suggested dealing with her by screaming in her face, then Kicked the door in.

I think you are kidding yourself if you believe your house is a happy household around this.

You should not threaten anything unless you are prepared to actually do it!

Did he actually kick in the bathroom door when your 9 year old daughter was in the shower?

If so I'd definitely say he needs to get a hotel for a few nights, and go from there. That's insane behaviour. Your DD isn't responsible for his grief or anger.

That would be my worry - that he would lose his shit sometime he had the children alone.

I'd also be wary that your DD would be left feeling responsible for the breakup of her family.

It's not just black and white.

I think how he behaved is enough to leave. Smashing bathroom locks while his daughter is in there is totally unacceptable and I’d find it difficult to respect a man who does that. I can’t live with people I don’t respect.

I personally think that you handled things between you and DD ok. In future respecting her privacy is best.

Your DH though and I use D very reluctantly, is absolutely out of line and I would be putting him out of the house until he gets his mood sorted out. Me personally, he'd be served with divorce papers because I'd be too worried about something like this happening again.
How do you know that he's not terrorising the children when you aren't around?

For god’s sake when will people stop excusing bad behavior—outright abuse—as a legitimate phase of grief. My MIL died a year ago and my parents are slowly going and neither my DH nor I would dream of overreacting in this way.

At my son’s primary school ,a child disclosing that ,would have social services involved.
it actually happened for much less than that ,and the dad had to move out while they investigated.
you don’t kick the door in on a bathroom knowing a child is naked the other side of the door.

Your dh's behaviour was completely unacceptable and grief is not an excuse, if it is out of character perhaps he does need help with his grief.

Sounds like as a family you are all lacking respect for each other and cannot communicate with each other, the child has an excuse but the two adults could do with having a look at each other and why that is.

Your husband is a bit off and probably needs to go to grief counseling if you don't leave him but also...

Why would you possibly want to clean the bathroom while someone is in the shower?????

Like ignoring all the weird stuff about bursting in on naked children... What's the point in cleaning if someone's just going to immediately get out and drip all over the place...

So did he also lose someone when he broke chair infront of her before then? Probably not. Which means it's not the grief. He has a temper and has now traumatised your child. Twice. His reaction is over the top. He is escalating.

Agree with your others that she should have more privacy and yes pre hormonal children will be rude. His reaction is scary. I wouldn't be raising my children around that.

I agree with every single person who says that children shouldn't be around the kind of behaviour demonstrated by the husband. But what is the actual solution, short of the husband having some kind of effective therapy to manage his anger (which I suspect he won't do). The OP is absolutely between a rock and a hard place. If the husband is already grieving and potentially blaming shitty behaviour on grief, how's he going to behave if she leaves him? How will he take this out on the children? His behaviour isn't bad enough for him to have no unsupervised contact. How will the OP feel when she's not there with her daughters to make sure they're okay? As a PP says, would the older daughter blame herself for her parents splitting up if it were to happen in the aftermath of this episode?

I'm not expecting anyone to answer this, as there isn't an answer to it. It's a horrible and very difficult situation for you, OP.

His behaviour isn't bad enough for him to have no unsupervised contact.

I'm fairly sure Children's Services would take a dim view of a grown adult man breaking down a door to get to a naked female child.

The children can have one safe home and one unsafe one. Or they can have just one unsafe home. The choice isn't good but it needs to be made.

Agree with this. All of it is absolutely correct.

Yanbu. Grief or not, I wouldn't judge or blame you for leaving after he did that. His behaviour was abusive and unforgivable.

The only time I'd waiver on that would be if he had shown huge remorse immediately afterwards and said he didn't know what had came over him. With the right counselling and support, maybe, just maybe it could have been an isolated incident. But he didn't did he. I couldn't get past this.