To threaten to leave DH so close to DMil dying

[MTM2017]

Bit of background, me and DH of 16 years, two DD nearly 9 and 4. DH DM died 2 weeks ago , so obviously emotions are high and I'm trying my best to be there for him and his family. I was v.close to her too so we are all grieving on some level.

I recognised a few days ago he was getting snappy with me and the kids and being unreasonable in minor ways. I chalked it up to the "anger" phase of grief.

Last night though he has overstepped the mark IMO.

DD9 needed a shower, usually I stay with her/in room nearby but I don't actually participate until she needs her hair rinsing... Last night I thought I'd just clean the rest of the bathroom while she was in the shower but alas DD9 wanted some privacy, I tried saying can u just pretend I'm not here I'm only cleaning etc and will be here when u need me to rinse your hair. She refused and wanted privacy. This went back and forth a few times as she was being a bit rude but eventually I left and she locked the door. She's 9 so apart from rinsing hair she's well within rights IMO to ask for privacy and do it herself

I went downstairs and started cleaning up after dinner ... DH starts getting angry about the Smart Meter being on red and "is she just standing up in the shower doing nothing ?" I said to him did u not hear what just happened between me and DD9 and her not wanting me in the bathroom (i.e. I don't know what she's doing right now)

His reply was "she doesn't listen to you just shout in her face"

I was disgusted by this comment and quickly brought him back down that I would not be doing that under any terms

He took it upon himself to storm up to the bathroom and shouted "open the door" , but before she would even have a chance to open it very quickly escalated to actually kicking the lock open and telling/shouting her , for some reason unbeknown to me, "don't talk to your mum like that"

I immediately went up and sorted DD9 hair and got her ready for bed.

DD9 was really upset at bedtime obviously, I consoled her and said I would talk to DH. However I was so disgusted in his behaviour that I couldn't bring myself to talk to him once DDs were in bed.

On way to work today I seriously considered booking a hotel /air BnB and leaving him.

But I talked myself out of it due to him losing his mum and although he is "strict" he's not really done anything like this before, apart from a few years ago he broke a chair in front of DD out of anger(cant even remember what it was over) so talked myself round to talking to him when I got home from work.

Which I just did.

He immediately got defensive and started saying I lacked discipline with the kids.

I told him if anything like that ever happened again there would be no discussion I would take the kids and I would leave you.

I told him I seriously considered this morning leaving him over that behaviour and he basically said go on then pack your bags

I'm torn as he's lost his DM and obviously going through the motions but I will not tolerate that behaviour towards DD

He later acknowledged in the conversation that he owes DD9 an apology and that the behaviour wasn't okay.

We aren't really talking now. It's all gone a bit quiet and moody.

AIBU to threaten to leave him after him losing his DM.

Your dh kicked the door down. Obviously this is terrifying, violent and should not be tolerated.

Is there backstory on why your 9yo needs help rinsing her hair?

Surely you have wanted and waited for the day she is independent enough to shower entirely alone? You should immediately leave her be if asked to go. Not have any 'back and forth' about it.

Controlling time in the shower, fair enough. Tell her she gets 5 minutes/10 minutes/ whatever. Set a timer for her. If she isn't out in time, then X sanction applies.

You both owe your daughter an apology.

You should have left the first time, and if she was rude, you should have reprimanded her about that on the spot. There should be a zero tolerance policy against rudeness.

Your husband is a violent bully. What to do about him is up to you. His mother dying is absolutely no excuse for what he did.

You said she asked you to give her privacy you then continued to try to persuade her etc....that's not respecting her privacy. Yes she might walk in on you but maybe today is her turning point in awareness your obviously not bothered or you would be locking the door.
When he started to go off on one why bring up did you hear what just happened if you didn't want it to deflect from you? Most would just say let's put a timer in the shower and nobody can have longer than, or get a grip she's got long hair, etc

I couldn’t live with it. And it’s not really a one off - I know you say he hasn’t done anything like it before, but you then follow it up with an example of a time he did a very similar thing. So he has done it before. And I doubt that’s all he’s done - he likely behaves aggressively a lot but just not ‘as bad.’

If you’re planning on staying with him, my advice would be don’t tell her to keep it a secret or anything. Encourage her to talk about it since it will be extremely frightening and upsetting for her to know that the big man of the house will smash down the door when he feels you’re taking too long to wash and will scream in your face when he feels like doing so. Hopefully she’ll tell her teacher or another trusted adult.

Is this totally out of character, if so then yes i would chalk it up to grief and speak to him seriously about it when hes calmed down.

If its par of the course with him then you need to absolutely leave!

And by the way, the reason your daughter was ‘a bit rude’ was that she asked to be left alone to shower multiple times, and you argued with her. Why don’t you imagine standing naked and trying to wash yourself fully while someone you don’t want there comes in and out as they please. I’m sure you’d get pretty rude.

I agree with this. I was devastated when I lost my dh, but not a chance I would have kicked a door down when my dds wanted privacy. Even worse for a dad to do this to their dd showering

He kicked the door down whilst your daughter was showering in there?

Yes, I’d be leaving him for that.

Are you serious on limiting kids time in the shower? What if she has long hair/hair that needs untangling etc.

Good grief wanna limit toilet roll to two sheets a time while you’re at it?

What a way to grow up, being timed. Seems so controlling. Not like she’s in there for hours.

Both of you acted appallingly in your own ways.
She's 9 years old and asked for privacy and your argued with her and she was rude. Of course she was rude. Do you want her to grow up not having boundaries for herself and sticking to them when challenged? That's what she was doing, and good for her.
On another note, having a man break down the door of the room you are naked and showering in is traumatising at any age. He had no right. She won't ever forget that.

I'm all honestly I think he should be sent to grief therapy or kicked out. Maybe even stay at a hotel for a bit during his 'angry phase' as you put it.

That poor girl had her privacy violated twice that night.

And stop being tight about the hot water. Unless you are struggling to feed yourselves and keep a roof over your head, these are the things you should be spending your money on.

@orangegato I have to set a timer for my dd in the shower because she thinks she's a mermaid and has literally spent half an hour in there before just swishing around. Our water is metered, gas is costly and I cannot afford for her to play Ariel in the shower every day.

To the OP, I echo a pp that said if he genuinely understands what he's done was absolutely awful and can apologise sincerely to dd and promise her it will never happen again (and mean it) I would suggest grief counselling for him and expect him to agree.

Otherwise I think it would be the end for me, to protect my kids.

Sorry to pile it on, OP, but I really do not think an apology is the right balance for kicking down a door while she was in the shower.

That is either a deeply unpleasant dickhead or someone is who severely unwell with grief.

If he's a dickhead (and my money is on that), then you are married to a dickhead. Once that uses violence to control situations he doesn't like.

If he is severaly unwell then he needs to prioritise grief counselling because it is not ok to make his daughter suffer for it.

This is not a 'sorry-and-it-all-goes-away' scenario, for me.

I voted you are being unreasonable because you've already given him an opportunity to improve his behaviour. Don't threaten something if you're not going to follow through on it.
I mean who breaks a chair in front of a child? Also who breaks down a bathroom door?
What he has shown his daughter is that she is not to expect any level of privacy from the very man that should be her champion against other men/boys in her life so that she knows she can always go to him and expect security and privacy. She got neither.

Leave him.

Leave him and show your daughters that if they ever find themselves in a similar position as an adult, they too have the option to leave their abusive partner.

I completely disagree and do think his behaviour is monstrous. How would you feel if any man, be it father or partner, broke down the bathroom door to you scream in your face whilst you are naked in the shower?

Honestly OP this is making my blood boil. There’s no excuse for this display and the fact he didn’t immediately reflect and apologise would be the end for me.

Poor kids has just lost a grandparent aged 9 then her parents lose it with her. I lost a grandparent aged 9 and my dad had a huge breakdown, I felt I couldn’t talk about my grief because of his anger. I still struggle with her loss even now. My heart breaks for your kid.

I remember every single violent thing my dad did growing up. It used to terrify me as a child and left me with issues that needed unpicking through counselling as an adult.

YABU. Grief is awful and can seriously affect people's behaviour and judgement. How about actually trying to help him by finding a councillor or something?

You were also behaving poorly.

You've got two issues here:

1. Your DH is grieving, and grief does funny things to people
2. Your daughter is coming to her teen years, and you both haven't had to deal with that before

Try and unpack those two issues from each other.

Well you were in the wrong for not leaving when she asked you to, it doesn't matter if she was fine with you in there last week, she's decided that she now wants privacy so you should have left. Your husband well... kicking the door down to scream at her naked is just crossing the line, whether or not his mother just died his behaviour is not acceptable. I wouldn't be leaving to go to a hotel, I'd be packing his bag for him to go. His behaviour towards a child is disgusting and he needs to know you aren't going to stand by and tolerate it. You tolerate this what does he do next, under the "I was bereaved" excuse? Don't put up with it.

Yes, that is a third issue:

3. Your daughter has lost her grandmother

OP sorry for kicking you when you are down but have you told the school etc what happened. You do know if the school hear about this it will be reported.

Your DD will 100% always remember this incident with her dad. I remember every unreasonable and aggressive outburst my father had when I was growing up. In fact, the negative memories overshadow the good ones by far, even though my childhood was okay otherwise. Negative incidents stick in the brain more efficiently than positive ones.

It’s perfectly reasonable to leave at any time. He can’t behave that way and think he gets some sort of a free pass because his mum died. It might contribute to his overreaction but he’s been violent before so he’s already shown you that occasionally he lets himself get to that point. My ex was the same, in the 20-something years we were together he was violent 4 times (ripped a door of its hinges, punched a hole in the wall, beat up another man) then the last time he targeted one of our children, that’s when I decided to leave. The timing is never right, but if he really didn’t want jeopardise his family he should have treated them kindly.

I've worked with a lot of abuse survivors. What happens in the face of low level abuse is that people try (typically in order) fight, flight, freeze. Your DD tried fight (that was the rudeness at having her having no boundaries around nakedness). Your response was to ignore, your DH's was to violently enforce his wants. Next time she won't bother with fight, it didn't work.

This child will go out into the world and need to protect her boundaries. If you remove fight from her and she can't run, she will freeze.

You both just made it more likely she will be in an abusive relationship as a teen or adult and made it less likely she will be able to leave. Congratulations.

If you want to turn it around, stop parenting your DH and start parenting your DD. Apologise, tell her her body belongs to her, tell her you were both wrong and that she is allowed her privacy. If she wants the door locked, it's locked, and you will enforce that. If you can't enforce it, leave your DH.

What a truly ghastly environment for your children