To threaten to leave DH so close to DMil dying

[MTM2017]

Bit of background, me and DH of 16 years, two DD nearly 9 and 4. DH DM died 2 weeks ago , so obviously emotions are high and I'm trying my best to be there for him and his family. I was v.close to her too so we are all grieving on some level.

I recognised a few days ago he was getting snappy with me and the kids and being unreasonable in minor ways. I chalked it up to the "anger" phase of grief.

Last night though he has overstepped the mark IMO.

DD9 needed a shower, usually I stay with her/in room nearby but I don't actually participate until she needs her hair rinsing... Last night I thought I'd just clean the rest of the bathroom while she was in the shower but alas DD9 wanted some privacy, I tried saying can u just pretend I'm not here I'm only cleaning etc and will be here when u need me to rinse your hair. She refused and wanted privacy. This went back and forth a few times as she was being a bit rude but eventually I left and she locked the door. She's 9 so apart from rinsing hair she's well within rights IMO to ask for privacy and do it herself

I went downstairs and started cleaning up after dinner ... DH starts getting angry about the Smart Meter being on red and "is she just standing up in the shower doing nothing ?" I said to him did u not hear what just happened between me and DD9 and her not wanting me in the bathroom (i.e. I don't know what she's doing right now)

His reply was "she doesn't listen to you just shout in her face"

I was disgusted by this comment and quickly brought him back down that I would not be doing that under any terms

He took it upon himself to storm up to the bathroom and shouted "open the door" , but before she would even have a chance to open it very quickly escalated to actually kicking the lock open and telling/shouting her , for some reason unbeknown to me, "don't talk to your mum like that"

I immediately went up and sorted DD9 hair and got her ready for bed.

DD9 was really upset at bedtime obviously, I consoled her and said I would talk to DH. However I was so disgusted in his behaviour that I couldn't bring myself to talk to him once DDs were in bed.

On way to work today I seriously considered booking a hotel /air BnB and leaving him.

But I talked myself out of it due to him losing his mum and although he is "strict" he's not really done anything like this before, apart from a few years ago he broke a chair in front of DD out of anger(cant even remember what it was over) so talked myself round to talking to him when I got home from work.

Which I just did.

He immediately got defensive and started saying I lacked discipline with the kids.

I told him if anything like that ever happened again there would be no discussion I would take the kids and I would leave you.

I told him I seriously considered this morning leaving him over that behaviour and he basically said go on then pack your bags

I'm torn as he's lost his DM and obviously going through the motions but I will not tolerate that behaviour towards DD

He later acknowledged in the conversation that he owes DD9 an apology and that the behaviour wasn't okay.

We aren't really talking now. It's all gone a bit quiet and moody.

AIBU to threaten to leave him after him losing his DM.

Fuck the excuses, there's the door mate, shut it on the way out.
The bloke is a complete cunt to behave like he did.

He booted the door in? LTB, that’s not ok nor normal whether or not he’s grieving.

At 9 unless there's additional needs she can wash her own hair, give her the privacy. I think you need to all breathe deeply and put this behind you, emotions are running high

I don't think that grief is an excuse for abuse.
I lost my dad recently and haven't kicked any doors in.
Your poor daughter.

I don't know what thread some posters are reading, but he kicked the fucking door in and stormed in to scream at his naked 9yo daughter?! That must have been terrifying for her. It's abusive, plain and simple.

The chair incident shows that this is a pattern for him. He's upset/stressed, so he feels entitled to act out his filthy temper on his children. How do you think the rebellious teenage years are going to go?

I think you should leave him.

I’m guessing this behaviour doesn’t remotely come as a shock to you op

in which case your children have endured him for years

I think if he had never shown signs of this before and it could be put 100% down to completely out of character behaviour purely down to grief, I could let it go if he seemed remorseful and I thought it was a one off.

However,
He has broken a chair in front of your daughter before
He is normally stricter than you
He is blaming you for his behaviour from 'not being strict enough'

Imagine this wasn't your daughter. He kicked down a door to yell at a 9 year old naked female. there are no circumstances in which that's ok, ever, and if she had had a phone with her and called the police, I think they would agree

Also 'Just shout in her face' !!????
How is that ok?

I'm serious. Some dc can spend an extraordinary amount of time in the shower, which isn't good for the environment or for the smart meter.

Limiting shower time is fine. Kicking in a door and shouting about it is not okay.

A simple timer that goes off after X minutes will do. No fuss, no need to shout, no need to invade privacy.

Hell yes I have to limit shower time

my son would stand there until it went cold!

I know you say he hasn’t done anything like it before, but you then follow it up with an example of a time he did a very similar thing. So he has done it before. And I doubt that’s all he’s done - he likely behaves aggressively a lot but just not ‘as bad.’

I'm sorry OP but I can't help wondering your dd's wish for you to be there usually is because she is afraid of her father.

This. And please don't underestimate how much he's grieving.

I wouldn't be staying with him, bereavement or not. You need to let your dd know you have her back & that you will fight to protect her, either leave or report it to the police & get him out. It's a slippery slope, breaking down a door first & then progressing to violence.

Dd2 would spend 25 minutes in the shower if you didn't occasionally remind her not to.

Blimey.

You are wrong, take accountability for it, all events after we're caused by you not giving your daughter the privacy she asked for, this is on you OP

Why are you lingering around when she showers. It is weird. And invasive!
And at age 9: she can rinse her own hair surely?!?!

And him kicking the door in is beyond me. I dont care how angry and hurt he is. Kicking in doors is a no no.

I would have lost my shit at him.

This is abusive behaviour and grief is not an excuse. He behaved in a way that was both physically intimidating and humiliating for your DD.

From what you have described, this is not a one-off. It is part of an escalating pattern of behaviour.

You need to protect your DD from the possibility of any further repeats of this or similar behaviour. If you can't do that without leaving, then you have your answer.

Your poor daughter. She asked for privacy which you wouldn't accept at first. Then her dad was beating the door down. How scary. She'll be moving out as soon as she's old enough.

He kicked the door open, to go and shout at his naked daughter?

I’d certainly have told him to leave for a few days whilst I decided what was happening.

Not only is it intimidating to have a man shouting at a young girl, the dynamic of clothed/naked and the vulnerability is horrific. I wouldn’t have him in the house currently.

He must apologise to her immediately.

As an aside, if your DD can’t care for her hair on her own, it’s too long.

There is a lot of minor bad behaviour that could be excused while he is so recently grieving his mother, but this act of violence and violation of your daughter’s privacy is definitely, definitely, definitely not ok. Massive YANBU. Poor little girl, she will be traumatised and will need careful help to process that 💔

He kicked the door in on a nine year old showering. Inexcusable. Leave him. Your DD will be traumatized by this.

Well my DH went out one morning and didn’t come home. I don’t remember yelling at people or kicking doors in. Bereavement isn’t an excuse to act like an arsehole.
What if your DD had been trying to open the door when ( I assume) he kicked it open?
I wouldn’t let my children stay in a house with a man like this. LTB.

I'm glad so many people have flagged up the fact that you totally trampled over your dd's requests for privacy, OP. You're acting as though you want us all to side with you in viewing his behaviour as the problem in the household when to me it seems more as though both of you are completely disrespectful of your dc and of each other.

His behaviour was completely disgraceful, but I also think you incited it to some extent by saying "did you not hear what just happened", as though dd had done something wrong by asking for a bit of privacy in the shower ffs. You need to own that imo instead of just being "disgusted" at how things unfolded.

As for your dd, this appalling incident comes after a previous one when he smashed a chair up in front of her (wtf) and in a general atmosphere of "just shout in her face". Words fail me, really. I generally think MNers are a bit quick to label something abuse or to call LTB but this is appalling. You can't think it's okay for little children to be growing up in this environment, can you?

I don't really know if the solution is to leave/ask him to leave. You both sound pretty bad tbh. From a marital point of view, I think you need to take some responsibility for your role in the high emotional temperature and he clearly needs some anger management help. From a parenting point of view, I think it's probably best if your dd talks to a teacher and some professionals step in tbh.

I think you've mashed together several different issues (not that it excuses the behaviour but I think everyone is fighting about different things and you all just need to sit down).

DD was rude to you because she didn't want you in the bathroom because she decided today she wants privacy.
You wanted in the bathroom but not so you could help her but to clean other things.
You gripe to husband who thinks she is not getting showered/rejecting any help/ refusing to come out. He goes mental because she's ignoring her mother (probably triggering odd things tied to the loss of his mother).

The lock is bad. It shouldn't have happened but everyone is in a highly emotional state. You all need to sit down, say sorry to each other and commit to it not happening again.
If he's an otherwise good husband and father then this is the time to show how we apologise and acknowledge our poor behaviour. I think spelling out to him this is non negotiable is fine but flouncing off to a hotel will just make everything worse as everyone digs their heels in.