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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

351 replies

AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 21:46

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
Unicorn2022 · 18/05/2023 08:47

I'd imagine the DD is probably very upset, but she shouldn't be cleaning the bathroom after a boyfriend at 16 years of age. She needs to set the bar a bit higher than someone who expects to turn up at her house several times a week for dinner and showers (and presumably sex) and gets upset when he is asked to accommodate some very reasonable requests.

I have teens and their friends are always very welcome here but dating is different and I wouldn't want my DD falling into that sort of regular domestic arrangement at 16.

WwhatEever · 18/05/2023 08:49

Unicorn2022 · 18/05/2023 08:43

The OP said he is 16 in the third line of her second post

No, that was OP quoting another poster and replying to them. I don't think OP knows how to quote so it's obvious it is a quote.

elephantmarchingin · 18/05/2023 08:52

How is him changing in the garage going to help? Surely the reason he shows is to clean off this massive amount of dirt and grime so he will still have to walk on your carpets to have a shower.

Also he changes into clean clothes in the garage to walk upstairs to have a shower to then have to change into another set of clean clothes as surely the clothes he puts on in the garage will be dirty by the fact he has not showered.

In the nicest way this seems to be your issue which you are causing issues with.

Spiderboy · 18/05/2023 08:56

Houses are for living in. Sounds like you have impractical flooring and I’d feel really unwelcome if I was him. They should both be making an effort to clean/wipe the bathroom floor though

letsgojo · 18/05/2023 08:58

People don't understand that with ocd you can't help it and you can't talk yourself out of it. If him getting changed in the gym/garage means he can still come round then I think you deserve recognition for offering a solution. Big hugs (in a contactless way of course) from a fellow ocd sufferer xx

iknowimcoming · 18/05/2023 08:59

AmIEnough · 18/05/2023 08:22

I wouldn’t feel the need to clean the garage as I feel that is not really part of the house even though it is adjoining. If my carpets were a darker colour I would still feel the same as you can tell when there is dust in them, because they feel different, does that make sense?

It makes sense from an OCD point of view, yes. It sounds very difficult for you to cope with, and probably for others too, I suspect your dd's boyfriend is trying to do the right thing by avoiding visiting when it's going to make you more anxious I.e. after work. I do hope you are getting some help with this OP, take care x

KimberleyClark · 18/05/2023 08:59

I sympathise with you OP. This young man - he must be older than 16 to be be working in forestry? - should surely go home to his own house and shower and change and make himself presentable before coming to yours for dinner. That’s only polite, surely?

CurlewKate · 18/05/2023 09:02

@Spiderboy"Houses are for living in. Sounds like you have impractical flooring and I’d feel really unwelcome if I was him."
I said earlier that I either change or put trackies on over my yard clothes when I visit friends-I don't feel remotely unwelcome. Why on earth would he?

Original poster
AmIEnough · 18/05/2023 09:07

Thank you. He’s a sweet lad and I just don’t want to upset him but am finding it difficult to find a solution as he has told my daughter he can’t get changed at work (apparently nowhere for him to do so) and it’s quicker to come straight to our house instead of going home ad he doesn’t want to change in the gym/garage as he feels unwelcome even though I’ve tried to explain very gently my OCD issues xx

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 18/05/2023 09:10

but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left

If your DD wants her boyfriend to come round, she should be clearing up after him and making sure the bathroom is clean. You’re not their servant.

Raingo · 18/05/2023 09:14

He should get changed in garage! My DH has a grubby job and gets changed in our kitchen.
If he continues I would give him the vacuum cleaner and tell to clean it up. You are nicer than me.

bussteward · 18/05/2023 09:16

AmIEnough · 18/05/2023 09:07

Thank you. He’s a sweet lad and I just don’t want to upset him but am finding it difficult to find a solution as he has told my daughter he can’t get changed at work (apparently nowhere for him to do so) and it’s quicker to come straight to our house instead of going home ad he doesn’t want to change in the gym/garage as he feels unwelcome even though I’ve tried to explain very gently my OCD issues xx

Tough titty for him, tbh. So what if it’s quicker for him to come straight there, if it inconveniences you? He obviously knows he’s grubby enough after work to need to shower and change, it follows that he’s grubby enough to leave mud on your floor. He should leave it in his own floor and come over slightly later, it’s not an enormous hardship to anyone other than the lazy or entitled. He’s got his own transport, he’s not tied to a bus timetable to access his free dinners at your place.

Raingo · 18/05/2023 09:16

He’s not a sweet lad, he’s selfish. A sweet lad wouldn’t be leaving a mess and expecting the little woman to clean up his mess!

saraclara · 18/05/2023 09:19

AmIEnough · 18/05/2023 09:07

Thank you. He’s a sweet lad and I just don’t want to upset him but am finding it difficult to find a solution as he has told my daughter he can’t get changed at work (apparently nowhere for him to do so) and it’s quicker to come straight to our house instead of going home ad he doesn’t want to change in the gym/garage as he feels unwelcome even though I’ve tried to explain very gently my OCD issues xx

You sound very caring, and I do understand the effect it has on you.

But really, your OCD is your responsibility to deal with. Not his and not your daughter's.

I don't recognise the lad that other posters are describing. He's not being unpleasant, he's not being 'filthy' and he's accommodated your wishes so far. But this one is a step too far for him. And I understand that too. He's tried, but his efforts aren't good enough for you and he's feeling bruised.

saraclara · 18/05/2023 09:21

Raingo · 18/05/2023 09:14

He should get changed in garage! My DH has a grubby job and gets changed in our kitchen.
If he continues I would give him the vacuum cleaner and tell to clean it up. You are nicer than me.

What the difference between getting changed in the kitchen and getting changed in the bathroom? Personally I think the bathroom is the better and more hygienic place to remove grubby jeans. And that's what the boyfriend is doing.

Cola2534 · 18/05/2023 09:27

Thirty years on, I still think about my hot gardener boyfriend turning up at my house straight from work, covered in mud and sweat 🔥😍🔥
You may not enjoy the muck, but your daughter might!

KimberleyClark · 18/05/2023 09:35

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2023 06:29

Op isn’t suggesting he walks around in his boxers though. Presumably he has his pj trousers with him. Or op can supply him with a robe etc. this isn’t a colleagues house and I’m a grown adult with my own home. At 16 I would have complied.

Show quote history

Why should she have to supp,y him with a robe? She’s not running a hotel.

YoucancallmeKAREN · 18/05/2023 09:40

Can i ask why , when you have OCD & acute anxiety and keeping things clean is an issue, you choose cream carpets ? Surely this is just adding to your stress ?

GracePalmer33 · 18/05/2023 09:40

What the difference between getting changed in the kitchen and getting changed in the bathroom? Personally I think the bathroom is the better and more hygienic place to remove grubby jeans. And that's what the boyfriend is doing.

Im guessing that the kitchen is nearer to the entrance to their house, would mean not having to traipse through any other rooms or across any carpet or up any stairs. From a logical point of view, when someone enters a house filthy then the less they travel through the house the better as the filth will not spread about the house. Makes sense to me. When my husband comes in from his allotment and is particularly filthy he doesn't just track straight through the house with it.

KimberleyClark · 18/05/2023 09:42

YoucancallmeKAREN · 18/05/2023 09:40

Can i ask why , when you have OCD & acute anxiety and keeping things clean is an issue, you choose cream carpets ? Surely this is just adding to your stress ?

They came with the new build house, she didn’t choose them.

bobbysock · 18/05/2023 09:49

Yanbu. But does he not go to school if he is 16…?

bobbysock · 18/05/2023 09:52

Spiderboy · 18/05/2023 08:56

Houses are for living in. Sounds like you have impractical flooring and I’d feel really unwelcome if I was him. They should both be making an effort to clean/wipe the bathroom floor though

He obviously is more than welcome, if he eats dinner there several times a week..

bobbysock · 18/05/2023 09:53

When he gets his own house he is welcome to get his own carpets dirty too if he wishes. At 16 he likely wouldn’t understand this though.

Lockheart · 18/05/2023 10:04

KimberleyClark · 18/05/2023 09:35

Why should she have to supp,y him with a robe? She’s not running a hotel.

Show quote history

I think if you're asking someone to get undressed in the garage the least you can do is give them a robe to walk through the house in.

Aprilx · 18/05/2023 10:04

albapunk · 17/05/2023 22:57

@billy1966

"Is he dragged up?"

seriously? The young lad is out working, and by OPs own admission is a nice lad....feeling unwelcome and asked to change in a garage, no matter how fancy it is, surely would make most adults be a bit wtf!?

No I would not be wtf because I would never be so bloody rude as to turn up at somebody else’s house in muddy boots and dirty clothes after work and expect to have a shower and get changed there. He is a guest and should have a bit more respect for somebody else’s home.

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