To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

[AmIEnough]

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

Due to the OCD I think the OPs version of "absolutely filthy" and other people's might be very different.

I very much doubt there is mud sloughing off him in big gloops while he grinds muck into the stairs as he climbs them, for example.

All OP says is that there is a layer of dust left in the bathroom. I'd question if he really "covers" the bathroom in dust as even one of my old dogs after one hell of a walk would have had difficulty doing that, but in any case a layer of dust is easily remedied.

I think lots of posters here seem to have the impression he's leaving muddy footprints all over the carpet and smearing it on the walls.

OP has said no such thing.

... this is not remotely what has happened, have you posted on the wrong thread?

Nobody is pissing everywhere and nobody is expecting the OP to clean up - she just doesn't find the clean up her DD does to be good enough

Oh and the 16yo boy is not a prick for setting his own boundaries

That's why he goes straight to the bathroom to remove his jeans. But that isn't good enough apparently.

Why are so many people assuming this boy lives on the OPs doorstep and it's practical for him to go home first to shower and change? I'd think if the solution could be so simple it would have occurred to both the daughter and the boyfriend long before now. I think logistics make it unworkable midweek hence the frequency of him dining with his gf's family.

@saraclara "That's why he goes straight to the bathroom to remove his jeans. But that isn't good enough apparently."

Honestly? I wouldn't go upstairs in a friend's house in yard clothes either. I wouldn't mind someone doing it in mine because a) I have wooden floors and b) I am a slattern. But I wouldn't do it in someone else's house.

@AmIEnough - I did ask last night but am still wondering whether you would feel it was necessary to clean the floor etc in the garage after he had changed in there to remove the 'thick layer of dust', if had agreed to change in there?

Also if you didn't have ivory carpets (let's imagine they were dark grey) would you still be concerned about the dust getting trodden into it? Not being snarky just trying to get a clearer idea of the amount of dirt/the level of your anxiety?

Obviously it's your home and you are technically totally in the right and as someone who suffers from OCD it's not as straightforward as just chilling.

That said, I think you do need to try really hard to see the big picture here, which is that your insistence on an unsustainable level of sterility in your home is likely to drive a wedge between you and your daughter.

It sounds as if this is a nice kid who you get on with and who is pretty respectful to you and you are freaking out about nearly invisible dust particles on a white carpet (and having a white carpet is asking for it anyway to be honest).

This all has to be seen through the OCD lens an I do understand you find this difficult but your behaviour is quite unreasonable and will upset and alienate your daughter and her bf if you're not careful.

Are you getting help from someone for this? I really think you need to get a handle on it.

It really depends on whether the lad is genuinely creating dirt - dirty marks and mud which would be noticeable to 99 people out of 100. In that case yes, not unreasonable to ask him to change.

However, and what most people seem to have missed, is that the OP has mental health issues including OCD and anxiety. She is seeing this lad coming into the house in dirty jeans, and perceiving muck and dirt and germs all over the place and feeling she has to do lots of cleaning. A pair of dirty jeans does not leave a "fairly thick film of mud" on a floor.

He has a motorbike so it can't be that difficult. He goes home and showers then comes over to the OP's either before or after tea.

As an aside there are posters suggesting that DD cleans up after him. Why can't he clean up after himself?

I wouldn’t feel the need to clean the garage as I feel that is not really part of the house even though it is adjoining. If my carpets were a darker colour I would still feel the same as you can tell when there is dust in them, because they feel different, does that make sense?

No, it doesn't make sense. That's your OCD talking.

Yes I’m sure you’re right x

Why is he coming to yours straight from work every time? Can't he go home, get washed and changed and come over - or is that too much effort? And for those outraged he's been asked to change in the garage!! (ie home gym) of all places, I have a couple of friends whose husband's have dirty jobs and they get changed in the utility/covered side passage when they get home - just common sense really.

On another note, how old is he and how much of your 16 year old's time is he taking up during the school week when presumably she has homework/revision to do?

Does the boyfriend know that you have these issues? Could you talk to him, apologise for making him feel uncomfortable, and explain that it's something you really struggle with?

Maybe it could be something that the two of you could learn to almost laugh about? Keep it light, and ensure that he knows that you like having him around and you're not judging him?

I don't have OCD and even I wouldn't like this. Forget the carpets for a start, why is a lad who has a home coming and showering at your house several times a week? I'd ask that he goes home first to shower and come after. You're already paying for his dinner, you don't need to be paying for the hot water too.

This type of behaviour is why we have hundreds of posts from women on here who are at their wits end because their boyfriends stay over all the time and don't contribute fairly to living costs and just expect their partners to provide for them.

He has choices

He changes in the garage
he cleans the bath
He doesn't come

Perfectly reasonable

Really good advice, thank you. I have tried to talk to him but I find it very difficult to keep things light enough that he doesn’t feel threatened, but I will try again as I’m so fond of him and I don’t want to upset him or my daughter. Thanks again for your advice.

No it's not right, and you don't even need to cite your OCD as a reason for not wanting a dirty 16 year old turning up at your door for showers and dinners several times a week and not respecting your rules.

There is no way I would have a boyfriend of my 16 year old DD treating my house like this or eating at our dinner table in pyjamas. Whatever happened to respecting and wanting to impress your girlfriend's parents?! Whatever happened to dating and going out for dinner? This is literally a cocklodger in the making and I wouldn't be enabling it. I would also be discouraging my 16 year old DS from turning up at his girlfriend's house in his work clothes too if it was my son.

Yet he's chosen not to come and is being absolutely slated!!

OP, you still haven't mentioned your daughter in all of this. How does she feel?

Why have so many posters assumed he's 16? OP hasn't given his age. He could be 30 for all we know.

I feel a bit like an anthropologist on Mumsnet sometimes! What's wrong with giving a child's boyfriend dinner a few times a week? And how much does a shower actually cost?

@WwhatEever Yes- I'd like to know how old he is too.

Downstairs loo near front or back door he can change in?
Yannbu , he is disrespecting your home.

The OP said he is 16 in the third line of her second post