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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DD’s boyfriend to change before coming in to the house

351 replies

AmIEnough · 17/05/2023 21:46

Well just that really.

For a bit of background, I suffer from acute anxiety, OCD and autism.

Not an excuse, but possibly a reason for my over-the-top behaviour.

We live in a newbuild property which has ivory carpets in all of the upstairs rooms, including the stairs and the landing.

My DD (16) has a really lovely boyfriend. He comes for dinner several times a week. However, he works in forestry and often comes straight from work and is absolutely filthy. He goes upstairs to her bedroom which has an ensuite bathroom.

He goes into the bathroom and changes out of his jeans into something else but in doing so leaves a fairly thick film of fine mud and dust all over the bathroom floor which obviously is then getting walked into her bedroom and into the ivory carpet.

I’ve already asked him to leave his motorcycle waterproofs and muddy boots outside, which I have bought a waterproof container for which sits outside the front door, but following recent experiences of having to clean up the bathroom after he has left, I have also now suggested that he goes into the garage to change out of his muddy jeans. (our garage is not really a garage at all, it is a home gym which is painted, has proper gym rubber flooring and air-conditioning and is actually a very nice space so he’s not being asked to get changed on a concrete floor surrounded by cars, tools, and other garden equipment.). However, he has now said that he will not come here during the week because of this request.

It makes me feel really awful because I’m so fond of him, but my OCD and anxiety is overwhelming and I really don’t see why I should put my property at risk of destruction in this manner? AIBU?

Anyone with any bright ideas as to how I can find a solution to this would be very gratefully appreciated.

OP posts:
DysmalRadius · 18/05/2023 04:42

I think the conflict lies in the attitude of the daughter and her boyfriend that if her boyfriend has to go home first and shower before coming to visit his girlfriend, that this implies some sort of rudeness on the part of OP.

Do they have that attitude though? All the OP has said is that he's not coming round after work any more - why is that not as acceptable a solution as the OP insisting that he takes one lot of clothes off outside and another in the garage?

A respectful boyfriend does not track mud all over the carpets of his girlfriend's mother, nor does he leave the bathroom in his girlfriend's house a mess of dirt.

Considering the OP has OCD and has stated that her her daughter cleans up, but not to her standards, I don't think it's as clear cut as that. I'd say that staying away when he knows that the OP struggles with the mess he brings into her home is a pretty respectful solution.

TheOriginalEmu · 18/05/2023 05:14

LadyJ2023 · 17/05/2023 23:23

I dont have ocd but sorry none of my older kids would be allowed to do this either. Coats,shoes muddy or not and clothes are off at the door before they come into the main house its called respect for what we have and the money we use on making a lovely home for our family

….you make kids strip at the door? Coats, shoes….and clothes?

okay.

GnomeDePlume · 18/05/2023 05:50

PotatoScollop · 18/05/2023 01:11

YABU, IMO. I wouldn't want to come round either. I'd feel well uncomfortable, and there's nothing worse than not being able to be comfortable in a place you stay at.

I understand you have OCD, and having lived with a parent with OCD can confirm it's hellish and incredibly stressful. As soon as one issue is resolved, the sufferer moves onto another issue, and the cycle repeats. It's actually neigh on impossible to please a sufferer of OCD because of how the sufferer will move on to the next problem, and the next problem. Your OCD is yours to deal with, not everyone else's. There's being accommodating to your OCD, and then there's being controlling. I also say this as a sufferer of severe anxiety which in my case, used to be outwardly projected as controlling how clean the home was and other people being the cause of the house not being clean enough. It's not just ivory carpets, its always something. I am not blind to the correlation between having a parent with OCD and my anxiety manifesting that way, by the way. Something to think about.

If you look at it from his point of view, his gf's mum is insinuating he's a bit of a dirty minger, so much so he has to change his clothes in a garage (regardless of how 'nice it is' before coming into her home, after already needing to put overalls in a plastic box outside of your home. After complying with the latter, he's (rightly, imo) decided the former is a touch too far for him, so just won't visit. Good, he has boundaries. He's not kicking up a fuss. He just can't be arsed with your demands so chooses not to visit.

You can absolutely bet this has upset your daughter and probably caused issues between them as she wants him to come over but he feels unwelcome and uncomfortable in doing so.

I may be wrong, but this opinion is based off that surely this 'thick layer of dust' he trails about is not actually as bad to most people, as it feels to you. It may well be, in which case fair enough, change your carpet.

It's just a carpet.

I think this is very insightful.

The bf has read the writing on the wall.

At what point will changing (into what? He hasn't had chance to shower at this point) in the garage not be enough? At what point will he be asked to have a little wash down under the garden tap? Whatever he does will never be enough.

YABU

CurlewKate · 18/05/2023 05:56

How old is he?

Pinkychilla · 18/05/2023 06:01

I would say he has to get changed at home first surely if you were going for dinner at your girlfriends house and you were filthy after work you would go home and shower and change first it's common courtesy and quite rude how he has reacted about it too I would not be impressed no respect for you as his girlfriends parents or your household

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 18/05/2023 06:07

bussteward · 18/05/2023 02:39

YANBU – it’s basic courtesy if you have a job like his to get clean before you go visiting, regardless of the colour of your host’s carpets. I’d be more troubled though by my daughter dating someone who wears pyjama bottoms to dinner: tell her to raise her standards.

Definitely. I would expect my son to clear himself up before he went to a girlfriends house. It's grim not to.

Flamesbegin · 18/05/2023 06:09

Hoover lives in DD's bedroom along with a speed mop/floor wipes. He or she cleans it once he's had his shower. DD is old enough to clean her own ensuite and bedroom.

Eviebeans · 18/05/2023 06:11

I would probably have said “that sounds like a good idea” because dinner “several times a week” is a lot regardless of anything else
if he’s still living at home with his parents I don’t suppose they will be delighted about it either- if he plans to do that type of work in the long term he’ll have to think of a solution to the messy clothes, boots etc

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 18/05/2023 06:11

Seriously, after having had numerous boyfriends and girlfriends through my house over the years, how hard or offensive is it to say (and be accepted) “James, you’re filthy, you need to go home and get changed or get changed at work before you come into this house. I’m not having you leave dirt all over the house”.

it’s really not unreasonable to expect visitors to turn up clean. It’s disrespectful that he doesn’t and is affronted by such a request.

BumblebeeBum · 18/05/2023 06:11

Obvious solution is that he cleans up the mess. Daughter’s responsibility to get him to do it as he’s her guest. If they are grown up enough to have a boyfriend stay over/stay over with a girlfriend then they are grown up enough to tidy up after themselves.

AliceOlive · 18/05/2023 06:17

I don’t have ocd. But no, absolutely not.

Actually; I wouldn’t allow the BF to come over before changing in the first place. Not even in the driveway.

Im sure plenty will say I am ridiculous but he needs to show more respect for your daughter, you and your house

5128gap · 18/05/2023 06:21

So he has decided that rather than change his clothes where he's reasonably asked, he's apparantly become so offended by it that he'd rather forego seeing his GF and getting his dinner cooked for him?
This young man is either an overly sensitive limp lettuce or he's looking for an excuse to reduce contact with your DD. Either way, it's not great for her.
You are being more than reasonable, extremely hospitable and generous, and back in a the time before teenagers had been taught to think the world revolved around them, he'd be extremely grateful and happy to comply.

ShimmeringShirts · 18/05/2023 06:22

I’d feel very unwelcome somewhere that I was asked to change in a garage, even if the other person thought it was a nice garage.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2023 06:29

Cornchip · 18/05/2023 01:22

There’s a huge difference between stripping off to your boxers in your own home and doing it in someone else’s home. I wonder around naked in my own home, but I wouldn’t be doing it anywhere else.

I highly doubt you’d be so keen to strip down to your bra and knickers in your colleagues house, for example. Especially in a garage without full privacy.

Show quote history

Op isn’t suggesting he walks around in his boxers though. Presumably he has his pj trousers with him. Or op can supply him with a robe etc. this isn’t a colleagues house and I’m a grown adult with my own home. At 16 I would have complied.

gerispringer · 18/05/2023 06:33

I’d be fed up with a 16 year olds BF coming round several times a week and having to cook for him. How about Dd goes round to his occasionally? How many 16 year olds clean their room , let alone bathroom properly? The dirty clothes is another issue that would annoy me. Why does he lounge around your house in PJs? couldn’t he have some clean joggers or jeans to change into? If he doesn’t want to come round after work now that would be a bonus for me, The Dd might be miffed, but I wouldn’t want a 16 year old to be in what sounds like an intense relationship, so cutting down the visits might be a good thing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/05/2023 06:34

aloris · 18/05/2023 04:09

Well said.

If he goes home after work instead of coming straight to OP's house, then it seems that it solves all the problems: he can shower and change in his own home, as he should, and then if he is not too tired he can go see his girlfriend as a normal visitor.

I think the conflict lies in the attitude of the daughter and her boyfriend that if her boyfriend has to go home first and shower before coming to visit his girlfriend, that this implies some sort of rudeness on the part of OP. Many posters seem to be backing up that attitude which I find amazing. A respectful boyfriend does not track mud all over the carpets of his girlfriend's mother, nor does he leave the bathroom in his girlfriend's house a mess of dirt.

Very strange to see so many supposedly modern women acting as if a man has every right to make a mess of a woman's home and that woman should just meekly clean up after him or accept the soiling of her nice home.

Madness.

Show quote history

Agreed and that moreover she should just change the carpet either now to a darker colour or later when it’s too soiled… not that this stops the other carpets he walks on from getting grubby.

5128gap · 18/05/2023 06:35

ShimmeringShirts · 18/05/2023 06:22

I’d feel very unwelcome somewhere that I was asked to change in a garage, even if the other person thought it was a nice garage.

Its far from uncommon for people with manual jobs to change outside of the main living area in their own homes. This young man is quite comfortable turning up after work, traipsing upstairs to his GFs bedroom, having his tea, every night. This goes way beyond 'guest' behaviour, when the person would come occasionally, usually clean already, and if not, an occasional inconvenience. He appears to want to treat OPs like a second home, so he shouldn't expect special 'welcoming' treatment. Act like one of the family, fit in with the family rules.

Lcb123 · 18/05/2023 06:40

I think YABU. For the sake of your DD, surely you want him to feel welcome in your home. I’d be really offended if my in laws did this. Just tell DD to clean up after if there’s visible mess. No idea why you’re cleaning her bedroom/en suite

CurlewKate · 18/05/2023 06:41

Isn't it usual for people who have jobs where they get dirty to change before they go into the house? He's being treated like a member of the family- so he should behave like one. Track suit or similar kept on a peg in the gym-thing. Problem sorted. How old is he?

gannett · 18/05/2023 07:16

At what point will changing (into what? He hasn't had chance to shower at this point)

I'm glad someone else brought this up, this logistical point had been bothering me all thread. Is he supposed to change into clean clothes specifically to walk from the garage to the shower, or just wander through the house in his boxers? Neither are great!

The other thing I wonder is what the OP's daughter thinks about this, and about the cleanliness obsession generally. OP hasn't mentioned that, oddly.

The two things I raise my eyebrow at are 1) the amount of dirt that can be created by someone walking from door to shower (under a minute surely), having already removed their shoes and coat; and 2) the information that the kids do in fact clean up the mess but huge alarm bells ringing! it's "not to the OP's standards". I wonder if it ever could be?

"Your house, your rules" misses the point completely. No one is saying OP can't set whatever rules she wants. But if the rules are too onerous, they'll have consequences down the line.

romdowa · 18/05/2023 07:20

I don't have ocd and even I would be having kittens at the thoughts of someone that dirty walking on my light coloured carpets.
Maybe such light coloured carpets where a mistake though. No matter how hard you try, you'll never keep them clean

saraclara · 18/05/2023 07:29

Basically these escalating rules translate into "I'm not really welcome here" in that lad's mind. And it's not surprising.

There was a thread the other day that focused on the impact that other people's mental health problems have on those around them. This might be a relatively minor thing, but as OP has raised her multiple issues that lead to her actions, I think it's fair to point out that they're impacting her daughter as well as this lad.

Taking off a pair of jeans on (presumably) a tiled bathroom floor is something I can't imagine creating the kind of mess that OP and others on this thread are perceiving. Especially since an attempt is made to clean the floor. If I was him, I'd feel that the banishment to the garage was some kind of punishment, and if I was her daughter I'd be embarrassed by OP making him feel that way....

CurlewKate · 18/05/2023 07:31

Important to remember that although he has removed his outer clothes he is still wearing the clothes he's been working in. Which will probably be pretty dirty. When I visit friends straight from the yard, I tend to put a tracksuit on over my jodhpurs before I sit on their sofa! But I can do this in my car-hard to do on a motorbike!

yoga4meinthemorning · 18/05/2023 07:33

He needs to be cleaning up his own mess.

What a prick he is that he comes into your house pisses everywhere then expects you to clean his shit!

DysmalRadius · 18/05/2023 07:40

yoga4meinthemorning · 18/05/2023 07:33

He needs to be cleaning up his own mess.

What a prick he is that he comes into your house pisses everywhere then expects you to clean his shit!

Huh? Are we reading the same posts from the OP?

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