to want my parents to be more involved grandparents?

[callhermum]

I’ve been pretty much independent from my parents since I was 16 and have never made a habit of leaning into them for support. My relationship with them is pleasant enough and has had many moments of fun, but it has never been one where I’d garner nurturance or guidance necessarily.

I’m 34 and have been with my partner for 15 years. We have a 3 year old son and another due in a matter of weeks. One of the most surprising, and frankly sad, realities of becoming a parent for me has been the lack of enthusiasm and/or interest my parents exhibit.

I’d like to caveat this by saying they’re always very loving and welcoming to my son, and by no means uninviting when we pop to see them. I just can’t help but think if it wasn’t for me making the effort to facilitate visits, they wouldn’t see him very often. They never offer to babysit or ask for time with him exclusively (i.e without me there too.)

For some context, my dad runs a steady business from home which he manages on reduced hours and my mum isn't officially employed but cares part-time for her 87 year old mum. She helps mainly with keeping the house in order and bits of personal care. It’s by no means a full-time job.

For further context, my parents aren’t exactly old — dad is 55 and mum is 5 years his senior. It’s not like they have busy social lives, activities or commitments that take up their time. They are pretty antisocial and stay in most of the time, and live a pretty simple life.

Anecdotally I know of many people who have a lot of support from their parents. Support which they are massively reliant upon, support which seems to form an essential part in their family system as a whole. From child care throughout the week, to regular overnight stays, and even times the children are taken away on extended breaks.

And I have spoken to grandparents over the years who are thrilled to talk about how much pleasure they take in spending time with their grandchildren. People who light up when they relay stories about their children and grandchildren.

I think I’m mourning what the relationship could be like.

This isn’t me demanding that my parents be of service to my family in a way which just benefits us. However, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on having more involved parents and my son is missing out on having grandparents who take a demonstrable interest in his life.

If it wasn’t for me popping over their house occasionally, I don’t think we'd see them very often at all - and that makes me sad.

So, I guess I’d love to know AIBU to want more from my parents?

It sounds to me like they are doing what they think you expect them to do. They've come to terms with yoi detaching at 16 and they've done the same. You can't have it both ways!

YANBU. I find it soul destroying that my parents are the exact same - although my mother doesn't work or have any other care commitments. I've never been detached from them in the way you describe.

I have two beautiful children who wouldn't know their grandparents if I didn't visit weekly.

Same with DH's parents who are both retired. It's gut wrenching.

I think your expectations are too high. By your own dmissiom they spend time with your child and are kind to him.

Too often these days (and I'm not saying it's the case with you) parents expect the grandparents to bring their kids up. They've done their bit.

Saying that though, it used to sting a bit when I'd be at playgroups with my son, surrounded by grandparents doing all the childcare, so I do get where you're coming from to a degree.

Yanbu...it must be very hurtful

YANBU. My parents are so so involved and it's so lovely seeing their bond and I am so grateful for the support provided. Sympathies to you and I'd feel the same.

My parents don't really know my children.

That's their fault.

YANBU, I think it's a very sad situation when grandparents are like this. My reason for this probably is because I have a very close relationship with my Nan and she absolutely dotes on my son, we joke she loves him more than us.

However, that's their decision and they're ultimately losing out.

Is this something you could bring up with them and ask why they are like this?

I hope your partners parents are more involved.

It's sad isn't it.
It does shine a spotlight on what that relationship never has been and never will be.
It's ok to feel sad about that.
I do too
Then I dust myself off and focus on noticing the good things they can and do give, which are things that are a looong way better than toxic/abusive and definitely better than nothing.

I still have pangs of envy for close supportive families. I let them come and go as it wasn't for me but I have other things in my life in grateful for, so all in all things could be worse.

But you don’t seem to have had a very close relationship with them, either. Maybe because you got together with your partner when you were still a teenager, and that relationship has lasted? That’s fairly unusual, and it means that at a time when a lot of people were still quite emotionally dependent on their parents, your focus was elsewhere.

Dont underestimate how much more tired we get as we get older, either. Your dad is still working , Your DM is looking after her DM ( and that’s no joke). Perhaps they don’t have the time or r the energy to start building a relationship with your children.

At least you all seem to be cordial and polite to each other, which is more than many people seem to manage.

If your relationship was distant before your DC and you've been independent since 16, I'm not sure what would have changed on having children.

It's understandable that you might wish that things were different. Also I think the fact some parents do rely on grandparents to do a lot of day to day child raising doesn't help how you feel. Having your children was never going to suddenly create the sort of relationship with your parents that others have with theirs.

I’ve been pretty much independent from my parents since I was 16 and have never made a habit of leaning into them for support.

I think this sentence is key.
You've clearly left home at a very, very young age, have been distant and independent from them for longer than you have relied upon them, or wanted to be 'parented' by them.
I am not sure why you think they would risk wanting to try to pick up a really close relationship again.
I am quite impressed that they are as involved as they are.

Of course, that doesn't mean you are unreasonable to want a different relationship, but we can all want lots of things that are a bit unrealistic she says, waiting for that big lottery win herself , but usually we do best if we accept where we are and what we have as a starting point and make decisions from there about what we are going to do next to either accept things as they are or to change them.

My parents are exactly the same. I've given up trying to force a relationship that they're clearly not interested in having. It's sad, but their loss

I'm lucky my in laws are very involved though, feel blessed to have them in our lives

Have you ever asked them for support or help with the children? By your own admission you never asked for anything from them, they may feel that they are respecting your boundaries.

It’s hurtful especially when the children are so tiny and are your whole world and focus and they are indifferent. In laws were like this. They even emigrated for a few years mil uttered a classic line “well there’s nothing to keep us in England”. We had a baby and a toddler at the time. Our teens barely know them and one is actually quite resentful of them.

It’s futile being upset though having come out the other side.

It sounds like they did their bit with you for as long as they wanted to, luckily you've been able to find your own feet. Some people just aren’t family oriented. It's an absolute shame because they won't even understand what they'll miss out on. Similar experience here.

When you went distant from your parents at 16 they were probably hurt and have gone through a process where they have had to deal with their own loss and pain. They've probably come to a place of acceptance and made peace with how things were and learned to get on with their lives on the terms you set. Do you now want that to suddenly change because you changed your mind? Do they know you've changed your mind about how you want your relationship to be?

You say they've never offered to babysit or have your son on their own. Have you ever asked? Maybe they don't know you want this or assume you don't? Maybe they think you actively wouldn't want this because of the long running distant relationship you've had with them the last 18 years?

Your parents still have busy lives, in spite of how you assess it. Caring for an 87 year old, especially when you're not that young yourself, is hard and draining. Your father is still working. They are allowed to have some quiet times. This is probably more necessary for recovery as you age.

I do understand as I never had much help from the family with the kids. There's nothing wrong with feeling disappointed but try to see things from their point of view. You may be able to rebuild a relationship with them over time. Communication would be a good place to start. Ask them if they will babysit for a couple of hours as a start.

Are you only child op.
They sound wrapped up in what they do.

Either you need to be mote clear about what you want or they arnt interested... Strange you said your mum looks after 87 year old mum..
Not your grandma? Great grandma not interested I'm child??

I think it depends on the reason you distanced yourself from such a young age. Perhaps they think you still want a relationship on your terms and don't push anything. They can't be expected to completely change after almost 20 years due to you now having a child.

You're not unreasonable to want your parents to be more involved. You are unreasonable if you expect it. I don't think it's actually true that most grandparents regularly have their grandchildren over on their own simply because the grandparents want to see them. I'd say the 'norm' is that they'll help out occasionally with childcare (if it suits) for something special or important, and that they will see the grandchildren as part of the package of having "the family over'. I'm not saying there aren't any hands on grannies offering regular childcare etc but I think they're in the minority. Grandads even rarer.
Parents often mention that the grandparents have no disabilities or they don't work full time. Whilst I acknowledge that could make childcare harder if they did, the fact that they don't have these challenges or commitments or as you say a busy social life is irrelevant. Maybe your children have a great relationship with your best friend or have lots of friends from swimming club. I don't think 'blood' ties are necessarily more important. I mean you've said yourself you left home early and had limited contact.

Lots of people have lower levels of energy at 60 and caring for an elderly parent can be draining. Sometimes people have health issues which they may not fully share with you. Do you visit your grandmother with your son or do you ever leave your son with your DP to go out with your mum, say to the cinema, a show, shopping?

YANBU.

When I was growing up, I went to my grandma's every weekend. I actually don't have an early memory of spending a weekend at home. That didn't change until my parents got divorced, and "grandma time" became "dad time". So my parents didn't look after me or my sister from Friday night - Sunday morning throughout my whole childhood.

On top of that, dad worked away during the week and came home for weekends, and mum worked shifts. When my mum was at work, I went to my nan's. I had to ask which house I was going to after school. I used to lay in bed at my nan's wishing I was in my own bed at home.

My mum got a regular 9-5 a year after I went to uni.

When I had DS, I was very clear with my boyfriend (now DH) that no child of mine would ever have to wonder where they were going to sleep. DH became a SAHD while I worked. We lived off less to keep stability for DS.

My mum was very clear that she'd "raised her kids" and "done her time". She sees my kids occasionally but nowhere near what I saw my grandparents. I broke down once (I was sobbing, it was embarrassing) and asked her why she didn't want to see her grandkids. She said, "Well, you never asked me to look after them." She's never understood that I've never wanted her to babysit - I've wanted her to want to spend time with her grandkids.

I have such wonderful memories of times with my grandparents that I cherish every day, especially as they've all passed now. Especially my grandma, who would make every weekend an adventure, blackberry picking or baking or random arts and crafts. It saddens me every day that my kids don't have that with my parents.

I think you have an idealized notion of what the perfect grandparent/grandchild relationship should be and you're disappointed that the reality doesn't live up to this.

At the same time you've had a somewhat unusual relationship with your own parents by being independent from them since the age of 16. Yet it sounds like, all in all, you are on good terms with them.

What I'm getting at is that not all relationships have to fit a cookie-cutter mold in order to be beneficial and fulfilling. While your parents may not be the hands-on, uber grandparents that some people seem to have, if they are kind and welcoming to your son then he'll benefit from his relationship with them.

Try not to dwell on what you wish they'd be like and accept them for who they are. And be aware that often when grandparents are super involved in their adult children's (and grandchildren's) lives there are complications that go along with that; it isn't always the picture perfect scenario it appears to be from the outside. Work on appreciating what you do have rather than dwelling on what you feel is missing.

My in-laws are like this. They don't make much effort with the kids. Their choice but the infuriating thing is they then complain that the kids are standoffish when they haven't seen them for awhile. My parents are very involved the kids aren't shy around them.

I think your expectation are too high. Sounds like a nice normal relationship. Why should they necessarily look after your kids?