to want my parents to be more involved grandparents?

[callhermum]

I’ve been pretty much independent from my parents since I was 16 and have never made a habit of leaning into them for support. My relationship with them is pleasant enough and has had many moments of fun, but it has never been one where I’d garner nurturance or guidance necessarily.

I’m 34 and have been with my partner for 15 years. We have a 3 year old son and another due in a matter of weeks. One of the most surprising, and frankly sad, realities of becoming a parent for me has been the lack of enthusiasm and/or interest my parents exhibit.

I’d like to caveat this by saying they’re always very loving and welcoming to my son, and by no means uninviting when we pop to see them. I just can’t help but think if it wasn’t for me making the effort to facilitate visits, they wouldn’t see him very often. They never offer to babysit or ask for time with him exclusively (i.e without me there too.)

For some context, my dad runs a steady business from home which he manages on reduced hours and my mum isn't officially employed but cares part-time for her 87 year old mum. She helps mainly with keeping the house in order and bits of personal care. It’s by no means a full-time job.

For further context, my parents aren’t exactly old — dad is 55 and mum is 5 years his senior. It’s not like they have busy social lives, activities or commitments that take up their time. They are pretty antisocial and stay in most of the time, and live a pretty simple life.

Anecdotally I know of many people who have a lot of support from their parents. Support which they are massively reliant upon, support which seems to form an essential part in their family system as a whole. From child care throughout the week, to regular overnight stays, and even times the children are taken away on extended breaks.

And I have spoken to grandparents over the years who are thrilled to talk about how much pleasure they take in spending time with their grandchildren. People who light up when they relay stories about their children and grandchildren.

I think I’m mourning what the relationship could be like.

This isn’t me demanding that my parents be of service to my family in a way which just benefits us. However, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on having more involved parents and my son is missing out on having grandparents who take a demonstrable interest in his life.

If it wasn’t for me popping over their house occasionally, I don’t think we'd see them very often at all - and that makes me sad.

So, I guess I’d love to know AIBU to want more from my parents?

YANBU to wish it was different.

You may want to discuss these feelings with someone as they could get upsetting as you progress through your own parenting. Are you going to do things differently with your own kids?

It’s funny to me how many people on this thread have perceived being independent from my parents as somehow deserting them or having a really distant relationship. That’s not the case. I’ve been of service to them and considered them massively throughout my adult life, it’s just not reciprocated. It wasn’t a conscious choice of mine to have it this way, if I could’ve had a more interdependent relationship I’d have liked that, but I have never felt able or comfortable to lean on them. That precedent was set at the top and trickled down. We’re all subject to familial conditioning and this was how I learned to be in the family unit.

That’s why people are saying you can’t expect it to be different with them as grandparents to your son, if they were never close and involved parents. It’s not your fault.

It’s OK to feel sad about it. But it’s unreasonable to expect them to be different people.

Having children usually brings up feelings about our own childhood and how we were parented. It’s OK to feel disappointed. But it’s best to deal with the feelings and try to move on from any resentment.

Have you spoken to them about this? Have you explained to them the way you have explained on here?

As for “expecting too much” I see this too… people who expect others to carry them through life and assist them through every hardship or challenge. However, I’ve never once considered that my child is anyone else’s responsibility but mine. However, I also believe that families benefit most when they’re invested in one another’s lives. It lifts the whole system. What’s the point otherwise? For example, when my parents reach their elder years, I would feel a sense of moral obligation to take care of them. I see that partly as my duty. How that would work practically is difficult to say, but they will be able to count on me to advocate for them at every turn.

I haven’t had a direct conversation about it with them. I couldn’t even imagine it to be honest. They’re conditioned to see it as burdensome, or offering a ‘favour’, as I suspect they were shown that and so it’s just landed that way with me.

Tbh as a mother of three 3 years old are very active and not necessarily aware of safety or ability to listen very well.

Yes I agree with this, resentment gets us no where and having children is incredibly insightful. Some of the responses here reveal to me that this is a wider social issue. It is no surprise that the rates of loneliness are so heightened when some people see family as burdensome as opposed to systems of enrichment and support.

I discuss this issue with friends and feel supported in my relationship so I don’t believe there is a risk of it getting out of hand per se.

Yes — I hope to be there for my kids in ways I haven’t experienced. I believe quite passionately that having an integrated family, in fact I think that’s what makes up the vast majority of meaning in life.

I don’t see myself as detached from them necessarily. I just see the relationship as lacking in ways I think are important.

I’m sorry you experience this too. ❤

I’m glad you get that. It’s nice to hear accounts of people who have this as I know I can create that for my family. ❤

It’s not going to change I’m afraid. Build your own life. Your children are unlikely to be close to them and as they become teenagers will show zero interest in them. It makes parenting harder, the only silver lining I can see is that my parents/in laws are now elderly and my kids have nearly left home and I'm not burdened to look after them or change my life for them. They can’t have it both ways.

I appreciate your response as you’re talking as someone who has clearly benefited from a more interdependent relationship with your grandparents. It reinforces my belief that those relationships are a) possible and b) beneficial for everyone involved. Enjoy your family ❤

You’ve hit the nail on the head. I do feel as though they reached a stage where they believed their ‘work’ was done and that any further investment in my life, and now my child’s life, is almost asking for too much.

How often do you go and care for your grandmother so that your 60 year old mum could have a day off?

YABU. Your mum is 60, she has her own home to care for, and her mum's. At 87 your gran probably needs hospital appointments and a reasonable amount of support.

I think perhaps you don't realise how energy levels fall away at 60. I'm 59, I have one fairly self-sufficient teen and work from home but I'm shattered by the end of the week. I keep myself fit, run park run and practice karate yet no way would I want to spend time with a toddler alone, unless in an emergency.

Can you explain a little more about how you were independent of them at 16, that’s pretty unusual if you are only 34 now.
My adult children are a similar age and were at school until 18, then supported at university and lived back at home for a couple of years after uni. That seems the norm for most of my friends.
Did they throw you out, did you leave to live with a boyfriend?

I agree with Naunet - what support are you giving your DM with her own elderly DM (your grandma). I am your mother's age with an elderly mother ... it is very tiring and draining. I also work part time, have volunteering commitments etc. I can't imagine wanting to commit to regular childcare. I don't have grandchildren myself but see many friends my age run ragged with caring for their elderly relatives, still working and being expected to provide childcare. Women in their 60s want to have their own lives as well as having to care for the elderly and young. .
Sometimes my adult DS will visit my mother and take her out to lunch or a garden centre, to be honest that gives me a lovely break but know that my mother is getting a visit.
Your post comes over as 'all about you'.

OP your situation sounds similar to my own. Lovely loving parents but from early adulthood I did my own thing and they aren't overly involved grandparents. No sleepovers or anything like that . Mine are 10,7 and 4 so no babies or nappies or anything like that. They do love their grandchildren but it would be amazing to have had more help when I did need it and was stressed but unfortunately that ship has now sailed as they are starting to get health issues now themselves so that won't understandably ever happen.

They're used to you being independent and not asking or needing their help for the last 18 years. Your 60yo mum cares for your 87yo Dgran, they may both have health issues you know nothing about, and maybe she is trying keep her mum independent in her own home for as long as possible? That's no mean feat! Did you ask them for help when dc1 arrived, or did you not invite them to help? Maybe they feel you're so independent you don't need their help? If you want things to change and do now want more of their support with dc2 on the way why not speak to them and arrange a regular visit with them? If you can't talk to them about the situation it won't change.

I'd say this is very normal for grandparents, and more unusual for them to be so involved. Most grandparents are still working full time when they have young grandchildren so probably want to wind down when they're not at work. I think it's wonderful for a grandparent to be really involved, but it's not a standard thing to expect.

Damned if we do and damned if we don't.

Following threads here there are two schools of thought on this - some grumble that parents or ILs are seeking/insisting on too much contact, others too little. So what is the right thing to do?

I have GC and look after them/pick up from school etc. when asked. But I do not just pop round to their homes - they have busy lives and I do not want to interrupt them. Am I doing the right thing? - who knows? No grumbles yet.

Sadly you can't expect it. My parents had an amazing bond with our eldest DC (we have a large gap of 10 and 12 years between our DC) and only he met my DF but all three had an amazing bondwith DM until she died. They miss her greatly.
PIL told me the day I gave birth to our eldest that they'd done their share of being grandparents. Ultimately it was their loss. DC are now much older (youngest is almost 17) and as much as MIL now wants a bond it simply isn't there and never will be. One has never set foot in the house she lives in only a ten minute drive away (he has a car) and the eldest works a couple of minutes away and wouldn't think of popping in, yet he went out of his way to visit my mum. They reap what they sow..

My parents were involved but never the in laws. They lived 20 minutes down the road but it was always us suggesting we see them. In fact they have no relationship with one of their (now adult) grandkids. Shame - but you can't force it.

Caring for an elderly relative is hard work, don’t underestimate how much it can take out of you.

It seems like they’re carrying on as they always have, so whilst it’s ok to be sad that you don’t have the relationship you’d like with them (and you could possibly make changes but it would be led by you and could lead to more resentment), they’re not going to change.

You can make the change with your own children and have closer relationships with them.

For example, when my parents reach their elder years, I would feel a sense of moral obligation to take care of them.

This bit stood out in one of your posts - you have no obligation to put your life on hold for them, likely at a time when your own children are older and you have the potential for some freedom, or enjoying your own grandchildren, please don’t feel that you are obligated to be their carer when they need it. I’m not saying to leave them to it, but please don’t take on sole responsibility and forfeit your chance for some happy times.