to want my parents to be more involved grandparents?

[callhermum]

I’ve been pretty much independent from my parents since I was 16 and have never made a habit of leaning into them for support. My relationship with them is pleasant enough and has had many moments of fun, but it has never been one where I’d garner nurturance or guidance necessarily.

I’m 34 and have been with my partner for 15 years. We have a 3 year old son and another due in a matter of weeks. One of the most surprising, and frankly sad, realities of becoming a parent for me has been the lack of enthusiasm and/or interest my parents exhibit.

I’d like to caveat this by saying they’re always very loving and welcoming to my son, and by no means uninviting when we pop to see them. I just can’t help but think if it wasn’t for me making the effort to facilitate visits, they wouldn’t see him very often. They never offer to babysit or ask for time with him exclusively (i.e without me there too.)

For some context, my dad runs a steady business from home which he manages on reduced hours and my mum isn't officially employed but cares part-time for her 87 year old mum. She helps mainly with keeping the house in order and bits of personal care. It’s by no means a full-time job.

For further context, my parents aren’t exactly old — dad is 55 and mum is 5 years his senior. It’s not like they have busy social lives, activities or commitments that take up their time. They are pretty antisocial and stay in most of the time, and live a pretty simple life.

Anecdotally I know of many people who have a lot of support from their parents. Support which they are massively reliant upon, support which seems to form an essential part in their family system as a whole. From child care throughout the week, to regular overnight stays, and even times the children are taken away on extended breaks.

And I have spoken to grandparents over the years who are thrilled to talk about how much pleasure they take in spending time with their grandchildren. People who light up when they relay stories about their children and grandchildren.

I think I’m mourning what the relationship could be like.

This isn’t me demanding that my parents be of service to my family in a way which just benefits us. However, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on having more involved parents and my son is missing out on having grandparents who take a demonstrable interest in his life.

If it wasn’t for me popping over their house occasionally, I don’t think we'd see them very often at all - and that makes me sad.

So, I guess I’d love to know AIBU to want more from my parents?

Don't think all grandparents are completely delighted to look after their grandkids either. I've been out with women who are grandparents plenty and have heard some say, when their phone rings, "Oh, it's my child, I wonder what they want this time."

Yes we had similar to you op no help. Sure what can you do. My friend a granny but they cut back a day minding as was getting too much she early 60s. But not easy as you say

As a grandparent, I am sorry but YABU. They seem to have enough on their plates already.

Know the feeling.

Have you invited them over?

You have young parents and yes they should be more involved. Society in general has become more self absorbed and selfish and this is reflected in the responses you are getting on here. Family practically means zero nowadays to anyone bar a lucky few. It is the time we are living in. Yes it is wrong but it is not for changing anytime soon. I think family values and self worship need to plunge even lower, before things start to turn around. Meanwhile we just need to get on with it.

Society? Or do you mean women, seeing as it’s women who have always been the main provider of not just childcare, but care for the elderly too? Well frankly I’m glad women are getting more selfish and making time for their own desires in life. Maybe men can be expected to step up a bit more instead.

I agree with this; 'society in general has become more self absorbed and selfish'. This is always demonstrated in the responses to these sort of posts where parents express sadness that the grandparents show little interest in their grandchildren. Of course, there is no legal obligation anymore than there is for @callhermum to help her parents when they are elderly but it is a stronger and better society where generations support each other.
@callhermum -your parents don't sound as if they have ever been nurturing or particularly supportive and they won't change now. It is sad but at least you have a supportive partner and friends.

Maybe your parents have a low boredom threshold.

Strange thing, my grandparents were instrumental in my boomer parents bringing me up. If they hadn’t been, my parents wouldn’t have had virtually 3 out of 4 weekends away or days / nights out, or holidays all child free or working.

been informed by mine that they are living their life and that asking for childcare 4 times a year is too much. (In total 12 nights a year) I’ve made other arrangements. Btw I’m a widow, so childcare is a nightmare. The 4 times a year were for work, not for trips out. And said parents are in much better health than I am, and will probably outlive me.

I’ve accepted this and moved on, been asked what I’m doing for a special event and the answer is nothing, would I like to do something? No thanks. If you can’t be there for the low moments when help would have been wonderful, you don’t get the good bits. I’ll be too exhausted from work to do anything anyway, and a night at home with the kids is actually my preference for special events.

it’s also absolutely hysterical when someone says, they are living their life, they’ve earned it!!! Like some kind of line has been crossed expecting or asking anything of them. of course they have that right, and they have enjoyed that right their entire lives because of the generous childcare offered to them for free for over a decade.

That’s all fine and well unless said parent benefited massively from free childcare and support from their own parents and now are choosing to not pay it forward. It’s all fine, I’ll be just as selfish when it comes to doing boring stuff like visiting nursing homes

Between me and my partner we have four 'sets' of grandparents for our kids. Two are very involved, have them for sleepovers and days out and are very proactive in maintaining a relationship with the kids. The other two are similar in a way to your parents, they are pleasant when we're there but we're always the ones to visit them.
I don't think it's a matter of them not caring but, in our situation at least, they're just not hugely comfortable around babies and toddlers. They're much more involved with the older grandchildren in the family and now our oldest is 4, can use the toilet independently, doesn't need a pram etc, they're way more enthusiastic about spending 1-1 time with her.
Now your son is getting older and, presumably, more independent, maybe now is the time to start asking if they would like to have him for a morning or an afternoon?

My parents looked after my son when I returned to work, including school pick ups till he was old enough to walk home himself. The bond he developed with my dad especially was very special. My dad passed away not long ago and his memories, and the traits he picked up from dad are priceless.

I don’t think though it’s a case of being unreasonable or not though as everyone is different. Grand parenting came naturally to my parents but it doesn’t to everyone

@cmmumm two sets of enthusiastic and involved grandparents... That sounds soooo lovely. Your children are very lucky. 🩵

Why would assume this is exclusively about women? The OP clearly says parents/ grandparents.

Some people are just horribly selfish. It's shocking that they wouldn't want to help you given the help they received and the fact that you are a widow with health problems.
I don't understand this attitude that older people should be able to do exactly what they want 'because they've earned it'. Odd philosophy. It's sad that seeing one's children/ grandchildren/ fostering and maintaining a good relationship is seeing as a burden to some. There is a balance between doing full time childcare and showing some interest in your own children and grandchildren.

Oh definitely! We're very lucky!

My parents are a little like this in that sometimes I wish they were more proactive. However they can also be proactive and will always say yes if they can if I ask them to provide childcare. Have you ever asked them to provide childcare? They may not see your relationship in that way but it doesn't follow that they would say no. And if they do say no you're no worse off than now.

Great question. Your mum cares for her mum, so why are you feeling grdugeful of you needing to do that?

YABU. Your mother is a 60 year old woman caring for an 87 year old woman. To you it may seem "part time," but as a 60-something woman I can assure you that if I were caring for an 87 year old part time I would spend the rest of my time recuperating.

It may just be that your mother is exhausted. 60 isn't old, but it is the decade where even formerly quite active people like me slow down greatly, start having aches and pains, chronic illnesses emerge, etc. She may be incapable of doing more.

And someone at 55/60 have so much more open to them than gps back in the day. Activities, social lives, travelling I don't blame them for not wanting a commitment. Also kids today come with a set of rules and schedules so I don't blame gps for not wanting to help out.

Have you actually invited them to visit you? Have you asked them if they'd like to take their DGC out somewhere by themselves? Have you asked if they could babysit?

My DGD is three now, and I don't think I've ever offered to babysit (though I do have DGD for the day and sleepovers when it's need. I trust that my DD would ask me (and she does) if she needs me.
Thanks to MN I'm super wary of interfering in DD's life. I invite them here, but I don't invite myself to theirs. I mostly wait to be asked.

So yes, if you want them to be involved, invite them to be. Don't just wait for them to suggest it.

When I was pregnant MiL was keen to stop work to look after DGC… I can’t think of a time when she’s looked after them for more than a few hours in the past 5 years.

My parents OTOH said they were not free child care but they regularly take DC out unprompted.

Women in their 60s want to have their own lives as well as having to care for the elderly and young..

True. If you've always been a baby and child enthusiast and find it thrilling to spend time with children, then that's maybe the life that you do want in your 60s. Others might get more oneself from traveling etc

But being responsible for the older generation really does take its toll, physically and mentally. Usually without the rewards that come with looking after children. But it can leave women without the energy to be able to invest in looking after GCs as well. They might want to spend their spare time either relaxing to recover from the elder care, or to do something hobby-wise that de-stresses them

I suppose the disconnect is when your own GPS brought you up (or were instrumental in helping your parents to bring you up), you would be within your rights to expect the same help with your own kids, all other things being equal.

As it stands, my GPS rarely had us and my mum was a SAHM. I was then also a SAHM til the kids went to school. The absolute last thing I want to do when I'm retired is go back to looking after small children.