to want my parents to be more involved grandparents?

[callhermum]

I’ve been pretty much independent from my parents since I was 16 and have never made a habit of leaning into them for support. My relationship with them is pleasant enough and has had many moments of fun, but it has never been one where I’d garner nurturance or guidance necessarily.

I’m 34 and have been with my partner for 15 years. We have a 3 year old son and another due in a matter of weeks. One of the most surprising, and frankly sad, realities of becoming a parent for me has been the lack of enthusiasm and/or interest my parents exhibit.

I’d like to caveat this by saying they’re always very loving and welcoming to my son, and by no means uninviting when we pop to see them. I just can’t help but think if it wasn’t for me making the effort to facilitate visits, they wouldn’t see him very often. They never offer to babysit or ask for time with him exclusively (i.e without me there too.)

For some context, my dad runs a steady business from home which he manages on reduced hours and my mum isn't officially employed but cares part-time for her 87 year old mum. She helps mainly with keeping the house in order and bits of personal care. It’s by no means a full-time job.

For further context, my parents aren’t exactly old — dad is 55 and mum is 5 years his senior. It’s not like they have busy social lives, activities or commitments that take up their time. They are pretty antisocial and stay in most of the time, and live a pretty simple life.

Anecdotally I know of many people who have a lot of support from their parents. Support which they are massively reliant upon, support which seems to form an essential part in their family system as a whole. From child care throughout the week, to regular overnight stays, and even times the children are taken away on extended breaks.

And I have spoken to grandparents over the years who are thrilled to talk about how much pleasure they take in spending time with their grandchildren. People who light up when they relay stories about their children and grandchildren.

I think I’m mourning what the relationship could be like.

This isn’t me demanding that my parents be of service to my family in a way which just benefits us. However, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on having more involved parents and my son is missing out on having grandparents who take a demonstrable interest in his life.

If it wasn’t for me popping over their house occasionally, I don’t think we'd see them very often at all - and that makes me sad.

So, I guess I’d love to know AIBU to want more from my parents?

Yes, I do indeed think it’s a good thing that individuals are at liberty to decide for themselves what they want to do, over being beholden to anyone else’s ideals. if that means they want to help, then cool. If it means they don’t, then cool.

and my initial point was that the people moaning about selfishness are often doing so because they consider themselves entitled to the generosity of others, regardless of the wishes of the others in question.

'Yes, I do indeed think it’s a good thing that individuals are at liberty to decide for themselves what they want to do, over being beholden to anyone else’s ideals. if that means they want to help, then cool. If it means they don’t, then cool.

and my initial point was that the people moaning about selfishness are often doing so because they consider themselves entitled to the generosity of others, regardless of the wishes of the others in question.'

I don't think it's a question of one sided selfishness or entitlement. Often, parents are simply upset and hurt that their parents are not terribly interested in their own grandchildren (not childcare as I have already said). Presumably you think ageing adults also have no entitlement to their adult children's time and would be selfish to complain when they are in a position where they might benefit from support. Fair enough but then we obviously disagree about the best way for society to function.

I would expect my parents to help out too, take the child for a few hrs or a day. But it's important to be honest and ask them. "Mom I really need help, can you take my DC on this day"

I do think grandparents are in a no win situation. They are either "trying to take over" or "never want to get involved". Well, on Mumsnet anyway. In RL most people seem to rub along OK!

Why does her choosing to care for her own mother mean she’s entitled to have her daughter do the same? A daughter she doesn’t seem to have made much effort with to all intents and purposes. I don’t think parents have a right to expect their children will look after them in old age

Why does her choosing to care for her own mother mean she’s entitled to have her daughter do the same?

It doesn't. It's as illogical as the usual 'my mum got childcare from my grandparents so she should give it to me' which is trotted out constantly. I was simply pointing out the mumsnet hypocrisy.

Maybe mum is tired with elderly care? Can you help with that?

Totally understand this OP.

Mine (father and step mother) don’t bother at all unless the kids are right under their nose (i.e. taken to them). Then it’s a case of them plying DDs with sugar for 30 mins. End of entertainment. They know nothing about DDs, don’t talk to them, no efforts to engage. So that’s a twice yearly interaction 🤦🏼‍♀️

MIL thinks she helps us, but her help is monopolising one weekend every month when she comes to visit. No idea why she can’t come during the week instead (she’s been retired 13 years, perfectly healthy, has no other responsibilities) and for a few days a month she could actually help us with school drop offs and pick ups. Instead she comes here to be fed and entertained and to talk non stop at me and DH. She’s exhausting and we’re already exhausted from work/commute/looking after our DDs 🤦🏼‍♀️

DH’s grandparents were self-interested. I remember when his grandmother died and suddenly his grandfather (at age 88) expected to be included in everything and he regularly and loudly questioned why no one was visiting him. He seemed to have forgotten the fact he hadn’t actually spent any time with DH and his siblings and didn’t have any relationship with them. When he died at age 92, there was a big funeral and then literally no one has ever mentioned him or the grandmother again. They aren’t missed. I find that sad. The same will happen with our parents (DDs’ grandparents). I doubt our DDs will care or notice when their grandparents die 🤷🏼‍♀️

What sort of involvement are you wanting? You detached from them at 16, and you say they are kind and loving to your ds. They aren’t the usual disinterested grandparents that you read about. Maybe you need to suggest some things and see if they are interested?
Caring for an elderly relative is extremely draining btw, you seem to really want to minimise that.

What sort of relationship did you parents have with their own Grandparents?
I recall my older and old fashioned DF stating it was a parents responsibility to take grandchildren to visit grandparents . I think he recalled weekly visits to his own Grandparents all dressed up and on best behaviour, enjoying tea and cake.
Times have very much changed and it takes effort on both sides but in years gone buy Granny would of term be in rocking chair knitting and exhausted with life at 65.