A bit of background without going into to much detail or drip feeding.
SS has just turned 8 and stays with me and DH EOW and one night in the week (mum won't agree to 50:50 because of in her words her 'benefits will reduce').
SS can be lovely and caring at times, bless him, but is also incredibly entitled, spoilt and is prone to HUGE meltdowns and attention seeking behaviour if he doesn't get what he wants exactly how he wants it.
My DS 12 and and DD 6 just aren't like that so I'm stumped how to deal with it? Hence why I'm here and also reading every parenting website I can!!
Don't get me wrong, my DC have their moments and have had tantrums themselves, aplenty. But it felt very manageable for the most part and 'normal' I guess?
I empathise with DSS as parents had a messy break up which must've been hard and confusing for him (his mum left DH) and though they've made some headway, they really don't get on.
Mum is of the opinion that DSS needs come before everyone else's. DH has tried to explain on several occasions that yes DSS is very important but so is everyone within the family; we're all special and important. She doesn't listen and continues to pedal the narrative that we're not putting DSS first. Very tiring to hear that in 101 different versions.
I try to always be kind and loving to DSS when he's here (much easier when he's not in a strop!), do his homework with him and spend time with him. But we did have a chat a couple of weeks ago in which I -gently- told him that life isn't always fair and it's an important lesson that's helpful to learn (I think I used the words 'when I was little, my Dad told me something very important and I still remember it now...yada yada'). Anyway, because I said something along the lines of 'grown ups need to make decisions sometimes, it's not always the choice of children, but we do really care how you feel'. He's gone back to his mum, told her what I said and she's hit the roof. Saying we don't care about his feelings.
Added to that, the current issue seems to be jealously about DH's relationship with my DC, particularly my DD. Look - I completely get that - it's normal for him to possibly feel a bit hurt that they're very close, he's had his Daddy to himself before we were on the scene a couple of years ago. He gets lots and lots of special daddy time, like camping just the two and activity days out but it doesn't seem to alleviate the jealously. Which, like I said, I get. And we're trying everything to help with that. But he still stomps his feet and almost demands that his dad isn't close to my DC!
Question is, I can't seem to do any sort of parenting/discipline/explaining without it being misreported to mum. He cries to mum and she gets angry. And the tantrums are exhausting, so when he's here, shall I just sit in the corner on my laptop quietly humming to myself and minding my own business?? Is it wrong to distance myself??
For info: DH has tried strict parenting, hasn't worked, now it's therapeutic parenting and is trying to reward good behaviour and ignore bad..we haven't found anything that works yet..