AIBU to ignore DSS a little?

[Pullinghairout81]

A bit of background without going into to much detail or drip feeding.

SS has just turned 8 and stays with me and DH EOW and one night in the week (mum won't agree to 50:50 because of in her words her 'benefits will reduce').

SS can be lovely and caring at times, bless him, but is also incredibly entitled, spoilt and is prone to HUGE meltdowns and attention seeking behaviour if he doesn't get what he wants exactly how he wants it.
My DS 12 and and DD 6 just aren't like that so I'm stumped how to deal with it? Hence why I'm here and also reading every parenting website I can!!
Don't get me wrong, my DC have their moments and have had tantrums themselves, aplenty. But it felt very manageable for the most part and 'normal' I guess?

I empathise with DSS as parents had a messy break up which must've been hard and confusing for him (his mum left DH) and though they've made some headway, they really don't get on.

Mum is of the opinion that DSS needs come before everyone else's. DH has tried to explain on several occasions that yes DSS is very important but so is everyone within the family; we're all special and important. She doesn't listen and continues to pedal the narrative that we're not putting DSS first. Very tiring to hear that in 101 different versions.

I try to always be kind and loving to DSS when he's here (much easier when he's not in a strop!), do his homework with him and spend time with him. But we did have a chat a couple of weeks ago in which I -gently- told him that life isn't always fair and it's an important lesson that's helpful to learn (I think I used the words 'when I was little, my Dad told me something very important and I still remember it now...yada yada'). Anyway, because I said something along the lines of 'grown ups need to make decisions sometimes, it's not always the choice of children, but we do really care how you feel'. He's gone back to his mum, told her what I said and she's hit the roof. Saying we don't care about his feelings.

Added to that, the current issue seems to be jealously about DH's relationship with my DC, particularly my DD. Look - I completely get that - it's normal for him to possibly feel a bit hurt that they're very close, he's had his Daddy to himself before we were on the scene a couple of years ago. He gets lots and lots of special daddy time, like camping just the two and activity days out but it doesn't seem to alleviate the jealously. Which, like I said, I get. And we're trying everything to help with that. But he still stomps his feet and almost demands that his dad isn't close to my DC!

Question is, I can't seem to do any sort of parenting/discipline/explaining without it being misreported to mum. He cries to mum and she gets angry. And the tantrums are exhausting, so when he's here, shall I just sit in the corner on my laptop quietly humming to myself and minding my own business?? Is it wrong to distance myself??

For info: DH has tried strict parenting, hasn't worked, now it's therapeutic parenting and is trying to reward good behaviour and ignore bad..we haven't found anything that works yet..

I mean go no contact with the mum, unless for emergency rather than go no contact with the child!

Bungle school have assessed and said no (in their assessment) re: ND. My DD actually is currently being assessed by a paediatrician for ND. She's socially very capable (lots of ND girls are and get missed sadly, at the risk of generalising), but she has some other traits so that's why she's going through that process. Trying to learn as much about it as I can.
I suspect -though not an expert- it's more of an attachment/attention thing than ND with DSS

Hi OP

I dont think that any 'parenting strategy' will work if the rest of the time he is with someone else.

What I am guessing is that there is a little boy who feels rejected by his dad and confused and this is making him jealous. I think it may not be as much about the relationship as the fact your children live with him.

It sounds to me like he would be better off spending more time with your family. For everyone (apart from the mother). I'm surprised that your husband hasnt fought for more access...and this has probably filtered down to his son, even if he can't articulate it. It's awful that his mum is saying 'for the benefits' rather than 'because its best for the boy's or even 'because I'll miss him'. It reads like no one wants to spend time with him, for him.

Who gives a shit about her benefits? You could even agree to pay the same (or not drop them proportionately to the drop in days for her) and have him more

Thanks Crumple I think that's a very good idea.
I can't control what his mum says/thinks nor should I try..

I don't really buy the word trauma in this context. Family breakup is tough but it is also normal. Go back a few generations and parents died in war/the Blitz/of incurable diseases/childbirth... Life has never been stable and easy for children..

I think all one can do is offer as consistent parenting/step parenting as possible (while also trying to implement any new ideas that might help.) I wouldn't withdraw.

Eventually your stepchild will work out that complaining to his mother isn't actually helping. I think encouraging him to try and talk about anything he doesn't like to his father/you would be a good idea.

I always found just saying calmly - the broken record? - 'This is how we do things here' would be a good idea. Children of his age can understand that different families do things differently. When he's at his Mums certain things happen. When he's with you, other things will happen.

As you know school often miss children who ‘mask’ so I’m not sure I’d take that as any indication. Personally I disagree with others that meltdowns are normal at 8. It may be an attachment problem but there would be other indicators. Strategies used for ND children will work for NT too and if it could benefit your own daughter too I’d personally concentrate on those strategies. Have you done ABCcharts for the meltdowns?

I know what you’re saying about everyone being important, but I don’t think that’s actually equal
SS isn’t getting the same amount of his dads time, you don’t know what the parenting is like at home for him either and what he’s dealing with there - you’ve said she has problems

and then it’s confusing and weird for him to drop his usual home and routing and come into someone else’s home, into an established family unit, just for a couple of days a month. So I do think actually it’s not that he should come first across the board, but for a while yes, it may be better to make him really feel welcome and comfortable and not overwhelmed. Which may be part of the tantrums. He must have a lot of emotions about the situation.

also is he clear on the boundaries And rules of your house
it may be hard to flip between ‘versions’ of himself for the homes and he may feel a loyalty to ‘report’ to his mum, he’s in a tough spot.
also the jealousy thing is hard, but obviously there’s these children who get to spend all their time with his dad, time he doesn’t get to spend. Maybe he feels resentful dad is ‘choosing’ to love them more than him.

i don’t think any of it’s an easy fix but I think just trying to appreciate his situation and how he may feel is really the main part of it.
maybe don’t punish him for a while as well, can you try some gentle parenting?
it sounds like you’re making an effort though op and that’s really lovely, I’m sure you’ll all get through it.

Thank you BCC that is such a kind post. I'm glad it comes across that I care about DSS because I really do. Being on this thread and talking about him is making me miss the little cheeky mite!

this though:
The tantrums are pretty normal at 8 only two years after a family split. Just manage as best you can. Give him an outlet or safe space to get his frustrations out. As his mum shouts at him, the tantrums could me more at your place because he feels safe with you guys. He may be letting off negative feelings from how his mum treats him while at yours because you are safe and understanding and do not shout

Wow - never occurred to me that that's why he displays those behaviours here. Thank you. Makes so much sense.

What his mum is saying is that your dh should put dss before the other 2 which arent his children and i absolutely agree with that. I dont believ YOU dont love your own children more than him him!
His dad has to make it clear to the child thathe is more important to him than his stepkids. They have their own dad presumably, and even if they dont they are not dh's

My God, we're going to end up with a generation of damaged kids because of these 'blended family' set-ups. No wonder the kid is jealous and playing up! Your own kids live with his father, and see him a hell of a lot more than his own son does!

Very sensible LaGiaconda and -personally- having myself one parent who came from a war torn Middle Eastern country, I think like that! children don't generally (naturally there are some that do have an awful situation) have it that bad in this country at this time. It's the way I think personally as I was brought up I guess to be quite pragmatic, and to have humility and gratitude. But I'm trying really dang hard not to judge as I recognise that if he does have trauma (I'm no expert), that that's valid and he deserves understanding and patience and support. It's hard!

I don't know enough about therapeutic parenting to comment really, but be clear that whatever strategy you go with aligns with it.

My inkling is all the "my dad told me and I'm telling you .." is still top down, however kindly put, whereas therapeutic parenting starts much more from showing you understand their world view and giving them a place of safety. I may be way off but just take care that the discipline and ignoring you are trying to do don't argue with your "bigger picture" parenting strategy, which could further confuse and distress him. There's definitely a place for judicial blindness and deafness, but I would read up on exactly when and where that's appropriate in the context of therapeutic parenting.

Forgot to say 'that's how we do things here' is a very good one to use'

Myself, my siblings and friends must be all screwed up from having step-parents and parents. Oh some of my friends and siblings are in their 60s, and one friend is a grandparent....

This child is only just 8. In his life his parents have split and his dad has married someone else with an older and younger than him child. Eow off he goes to this family who are rather smug about how much effort they put into parenting and being a family. Also, they think his mum is a twat, which is hurtful whether true or not.

I feel very sorry for him.

I have a friend in your exact position and it’s got worse as SS gets towards teen years. His mum is telling him she’s the only one who understands him, that it’s mean when his dad makes him do homework, that he doesn’t have to do chores or his hobbies or go to school if he doesn’t want to…

Basically the mum is using the child for emotional validation and encouraging co-dependency to meet her own needs, and isolating the dad and other family is a strategy to enforce that. It’s really sad.

In your shoes I’d be as consistent as possible in solidarity with your husband, block SS’s mum and get DH to grey rock her. There’s no easy answers though and it’ll probably get worse. Poor kid and poor you for having to be part of it.

Thanks Bungle - I haven't used ABC charts for meltdowns, but I'll look them up!

Don't punish DSS for his mum's crappy behaviour by withdrawing from him. Don't give her opinion so much weight. I would get on with parenting him the way you think best.

Thank you to all the really helpful replies. Lots flying round my brain and really sorry if I haven't replied to everyone individually after you've taken the time to post, I read it all through again.

I think I'm coming away with more of an appreciation of how DSS feels. That although we've been softly-softly with many things, it's still is hard for him, and that's to be expected. He's been an only and now he feels like he has to share which must be incredibly difficult. He's a good kid, I think more time here would help, then he wouldn't get FOMO as much either - he'd probably realise we're actually pretty boring and he's not missing much!!

Can he have one to one counselling? He may need it. I have a relative who divorced and his children have had counselling for years - every Saturday. It seems to be the thing to do now, a growing industry. One of the children was very quiet and withdrawn but now is full of confidence and very out going etc since counselling If your employer pays for private medical cover non NHS counselling is included for children. Don't know when they will ever stop though.

Thanks Skandi so, so similar. Mum exhibiting some emotional manipulation and trying to constantly get validation. None of us are perfect and who knows, maybe I'd display similar behaviour in her shoes (hopefully not!). She contacted the teacher recently to say he shouldn't be expected to do homework when he's with her because it's stressful for him and upsets him. That stumped me as I know he's very capable and can do it (I know because I've done it with him!).

I think ignoring him would be very unkind and harmful for him, he's a very little boy in a confusing situation where he is having to deal with some complex emotions. It is OK for him to let those feelings out sometimes, and a tribute to your parenting that he feels safe to do so in your home. Maybe give him a place where he can let out his feelings, an area to go when he is feeling overwhelmed or cross or unhappy somwhere safe where he can't do any damage. Maybe a punch bag would be a physical release for him.

I would leave any chats about behaviour and all but the most minor discipline to your DH. But you continue to show him love and support.

As for him running to his Mum whenever he doesn't like something, it may well be that his mother is questioning him when he gets home and he has cottoned on that she wants to hear bad things because she enjoys the drama. Children are very good at knowing what appeases parents and what they need to do to find favour.

Agree with the diagnosis of more time with you, even if on an ad hoc basis if you can't get mum to agree e.g. for a week during school holidays etc so he feels more part of the family. Just wanted to add also it seems like you really care about him and you and DP are doing your best for him so that's great. Hopefully with consistency in demonstrating you love and want him, which you've already been trying to show him, he will get there. Perhaps his dad can tell him he'd love to have him with him more and plans to speak to his mum about it so it's clear that he wants him, though obviously avoiding setting up any sense of undermining his mum.

He must feel so conflicted.
His mum is hostile and he will feel such a strong loyalty to her that he will feel that he should be hostile too.
But then when he's at your house he likes it and likes you. The guilt must be hard and is likely to be at least part of why you are experiencing these tantrums.

I worked in a specialist semh school and usually used something like
' I can see that you are angry/frustrated/upset. I know that's hard. I will be in the kitchen when you are calm and you want me.'
Then back off and refuse to be drawn into an argument.
I also ask what they need to feel better after a meltdown, most kids ask for a hug or a drink.

We talk about it later in the day. They are still not in a good enough place straight after.

You seem to be doing everything right. But I think if mum kept being rude about his time with you Dh should say I think the problem is it’s not enough time so it’s hard for him to adjust and if you think he’s struggling a bit I should add a day a week for him to be at ours.